Depression, a boy & his puppy, oh and art.

“Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” – Jean Kerr

Couldn’t have said it better myself.  Which is precisely the feeling I’ve had pretty much all of last week.  As in, I hope this goes away, you know like yesterday?  So its been

7 months  25 days ago

33 weeks  6 days ago

237 days ago

169 weekdays ago

0.65 years ago
Since Jason died, but hey, who’s keeping track?  Most days I’m pretty much OK.  Wed April 21st? Not such an OK day, nor were the days leading up to it either.  As a matter of fact, those (the days leading to) were the worst.  A few years ago Jason asked me what it was like to be 30.  I simply & honestly replied “Dude the first 6 months of being 30 were the best 6 months of my life” and they were.  On. So. Many. Levels.  He replied with something to the effect of:”I hope mine is just as good, gives me something to aim for/look forward to.  Except Jason didn’t make it to be thirty years old.  Wed April 21st 2010 was Jason’s 30th birthday.  That was a hard day.  A dark day if you will.  That whole week?  Hello depression!
I shut pretty much everyone out, I really didn’t bother to correspond with anyone if I could help it and it sucked balls.  I’m not going to lie.  You see, I had a conversation with someone not so long ago that sounded a little something like this:
Them:”I don’t ever say I’m depressed, just “sad”.
Me: “See, that pisses me off.”
Me: “Because I am SO sick of the stigma around depression!  Sometimes you get depressed briefly, usually after a period of grief, its very common.  Also depression is a disease that affects so many people and those people sometimes don’t get help because of statements like that!  Either they’re afraid of the “social stigma” or too embarrassed or something along those lines. “
Them: “Well since you put it that way, you have a point”
I at least like to think that I do…
Jason was a diagnosed manic depressive.  It made him suicidal.  Hence my burning desire to start Jason’s memorial foundation.  These people who are suffering either briefly, or for the long term need to know that we are NOT afraid of how they feel!  Its human instinct to try and “make someone feel better” however I now know that its impossible.  Support them? Yes!  Make them feel as if they’re less alone? Absolutely!  However “feeling better” in its truest form takes time, love, support and a whole lot of patience.  I hit an all time low last week that scared the shit out of me.  Not suicidal low, just OMG I haven’t ever felt this “dark” inside in my entire life and it freaked me out.  I sought immediate help.  After doing a quick Google search I found  GROWW: Grief recovery online while this site is a bit of a pain in the ass to navigate, it was well worth the effort.

Disjointed fragments

memory is a funny thing.  My heightened level of exhaustion is truly screwing with my mind more often then not it would seem.  There’s things I want to remember because they’re just beyond hilarious and I seem to forget them and then come back to them.  Sometimes I wish I could videotape my life so I can look back on it and laugh.  Laughter is a wonderful thing.  Memories fade and its usually the good ones I find.  As I was having my most enchanted evening with him, something he said triggered a long forgotten moment in what I refer to as my old life.  It was a surreal trip down memory lane & I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about that.  He felt bad (no need to), as my beautiful friend Carly referenced:“you are only as sick as your secrets.

Fuck. I. have. a. lot. of. secrets.

Some of which I share (rendering them a secret no more), some I keep to myself.  As much as I didn’t don’t want him to feel bad, it totally dawned on me that there was something semi huge that I shared on here and not with him.  I meant to & somehow I totally forgot & for that, I’m sorry.  I guess now that the moment is over (thankfully)/crisis averted there was no need to bring it up.  However had things not been so damn crazy for either of us (seriously I tried to wash my hands with toothpaste the other day, don’t ask) I’m quite certain I would have mentioned it.  Because he had the right to know and still does.  What a kick to the balls to read it on here and not hear it from me.  Yeah that’s pretty damn low.  Pending of course he reads my blog at all.  Anyway, back to that whole memory thing.  It was strange because it took me back to a place that I hadn’t visited in so long.  It didn’t bother me, it just made me feel unsettled for a while I guess.  I did put a positive spin on it because there is one.  Although I will always wonder what I would have been like had that not happened.

I’m obviously not destined to know.  We all have our scars & that part of my life is my cross to bear and I feel for the most part I bear it pretty well.  I lived it, learned from it and became whom I am today because of it.  I like me most of the time.  I don’t like talking about it because of the emotions it evokes in other people.  I personally have moved on, I can’t & won’t forget what happened but it made me stronger in the end.  Which in a way I am thankful for.  I don’t however want to hurt him with that story.  Disjointed fragments come out now & then; he’s not stupid (he’s actually too smart for his own damn good) I like love that about him.  However I know first hand how hearing about that hurts some people and evokes the general reactions of anger/sympathy/pity and a slew of others that I would rather not do.  Like he said “we all have issues” which we most certainly do.  However I personally think its all in how you deal with them in the end.  Do you learn from them, embrace them as a period of growth or do you react like some people I know and surround yourself with it like a shroud and use it as a shield?  Or more accurately [use it] as an excuse for how messed up you think your life is?  There’s something to be said about letting go and for the most part I have.  It changed me on a number of levels, some of which I don’t particularly care for personally.  I have however made my proverbial bed and while I did lie in it for a while, I have since exchanged it for a new & improved model.  Mostly.

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I rarely ask anyone for help, however my furry and non furry friends at reach for the stars rescue desperately need your help!

The animal rescue site along with pet finder is offering $10,000 yes ten thousand dollars to a shelter!  So please head on over to the voting page and vote for: reach for the stars rescue, Montreal, QC Canada!  They’re not even in the top 10 🙁  Lets help them get ahead!

I  can’t think of someone more deserving then them.  All the money raised goes to the animals, its one of the only shelters that provides everything for its foster animals.  Jacquie is one of the most selfless people I have ever had the pleasure to know & I think what she’s doing is wonderful.

Thanks guys!

updates & upheavals…

Good bye social life, enter into workaholic mode instead.  After I left Gryphon I had some serious time to kill since I left there on a Friday and didn’t start my new job until the following Wed.  Major shift upheaval at its best.  I went from working my nice M-F 9-5 job to working Thursday-Saturday 6pm-4pm and Sunday’s 5pm-1am. Which is somewhat OK for the most part since I prefer to have a consistent schedule but not having any time off of on the weekend DOES suck just a little.  Oddly enough getting myself to stay up until at least 4am and not rolling out of bed til around 1pm, wasn’t that difficult.  Granted its going to suck when I have to be awake and alert for a dental appointment at 8am on Thursday.  I’m going to try & go to sleep a little earlier then the norm, get my dental work done and then go home and take a nap before work so I don’t screw myself up too badly sleep wise.

I also seem to have developed a new compulsion: working out.  I’ve never really been “anti-exercise” per say but it was never that high on my priority list either.  Now I work out every day, even if its only a quick 20 minute routine I still do it.  It has very little to do with my overall appearance with the exception of my biceps.  Mostly because I have bitching tattoo work and loss of definition has made me slightly anal about it.  I figure if I ain’t getting none, might as well blow off my frustration somehow right?  I save the heavier routines for my days off simply because once the adrenaline rush wears off, I tend to crash pretty hard right in the middle of my shift.  Not cool if its busy, which fluctuates quite a bit depending on the day.  Which is exactly what happened on Sunday.  I woke up @ 1:15 and had to be at work for 5pm which was the COC ass-rape-a-thon  starring none other then yours truly.  Having a full board usually isn’t a big deal for me alone but when the orders are all over the damn place that’s a whole other story.  The menu is limited, but so is space, equipment and tools required to make things happen like pans…  Which makes what would seem the simplest of tasks that much more tiresome.  Who would have thought that making mac & cheese & grilled cheese would piss me off so much.  Well it does, sounds simple which for the most part it is but there’s just SO much running around to make it happen.  That and our fridge has no shelves which just makes things that much more complicated.

Overall I like my job, less responsibility and bullshit then the last one.  FAR more respect since the boys who are running the place aren’t exactly qualified quite like I am so when I talk, they listen (woo hoo!) even the exec Chef is fresh out of culinary school (class of ’08).  But the demographic is a lot different.  I thought hoped that I would get away from whiny FOH staff but oh no, such was not the case!  So I got into it on Sunday with the girl answering the phones she’s like I need blah blah blah, to which I fired back I need 5mil and a pool boy but doesn’t mean I’m going to get it right away now am I.  Put her in her place pretty fucking quick.  Yeah I get it, I’m the new girl I expect *some* flack and/or criticism/corrections however BOH reins supreme over FOH and I ain’t going to take shit from a kid who isn’t anywhere near as qualified as I am.  Overall aside from almost cutting a piece of my index finger off, burning my right butt cheek on a sandwich press and my stomach on the fryer, I kinda like my job.  Wonder what D is going to say when I tell him I essentially need all my working days off for Christmas this year.  Ticket is bought, tattoo appointment booked.  There ain’t NO WAY, I’m NOT going home…  Especially if I get screwed with all the crappy shifts that no one wants…  He’s going to OWE me come the end of December.

So that’s about it, I’ve done nothing but work and exercise and I know that a thrill a minute for you all.  Oh and well Heddy has become an anorexic/bulimic since the arrival of Xavier, whom she hates quite a bit still.  So she’s super stressed out and refuses to eat & only occasionally drinks.  I’m screwed if she ends up with renal failure so I’ve had to force feed my poor baby with water and baby food.  I have to be careful because if I give her too much at one time, she just throws it back up again.  Yeah like you needed to know that…

In other news, Monday was a stunningly beautiful day here and there’s an abandoned building at the end of my street that I’ve been dying to investigate.  This odd fascination I have, I know.  I was prepared to walk down and around to the highway underpass (which I’ve done countless times to get up on the roof & watch the sunrise) since I didn’t feel like hopping the fence but to my surprise, the gate was wide open so I just walked right in SCORE!  It was late in the afternoon though and fairly muddy so I didn’t really venture too far into it since it was getting dark and I didn’t have on proper shoes.  I do however plan on going back tomorrow since I have Wed off before it gets too late in the day and doing some better “investigating” if you will 🙂

Sucks that the flash on my camera is being pissy, I’m thinking its time to buy a new one.  Otherwise I would have gotten far better images then I did.  I’m buying a new computer first, that’s my up-most priority since I need a better model for school and well I just want to replace my laptop that I miss so dearly.  Then I’m buying a new camera, I already know which one I want, its just a matter of obtaining it.  Since I’ll be working my ass off, this shouldn’t be mission impossible  come the new year.  Got to pay off my visa bill first and I have school to think about as well.  But CC bill takes priority overall of course.  So Wed, I’m going to take care of things around here and enjoy the day off that I have and then Thursday morning at 8am, I have to have a filling replaced.  Which I’m oddly happy about because every time I floss my teeth it gets stuck because its starting to come up and its not hardcore painful yet, but letting it go is NOT an option.  Besides, silver fillings are gross in spite of the fact that amalgam fillings (the tooth colored ones) aren’t as strong.

Had a lovely leisurely day with my friend Jen this afternoon.  She texted me on Monday saying “hey girly, I miss you, how are you?”  meanwhile I had un-read text’s from two other people and I replied back to who I thought was Jen ” miss you too!  We need to get together soon, I should get my schedule today”  So then Mat (my “neighbor”) texts me and he’s like huh?  Turns out my phone likes to text random people a little too often!  Which only happens when I have un-read text messages waiting from others.    A mutual friend of ours was supposed to join us, but I have to admit I wasn’t the least bit dissapointed when she bailed out.  She’s nice enough of course, but I wanted Jen all to myself so we could talk, catch up and gossip 😉  So we had lunch, did some shopping which I shouldn’t have done but you know…  We had a ton of fun just the two of us!  I’m getting too girly, its kind of crazy!  I’m slowly changing some aspects of my appearance or at the very least stepping out of my comfort zone.  Having more liquid assets comes in handy too, can’t wait to my pay is more regulated!   In the meantime, I take comfort in knowing that I’m helping to keep visa in business.