Snippets and other misc. shit

I’m sick. Sick as in I want to crawl into bed and stay there because my head is so fucking congested right now and the back of my throat is so seriously itchy I am thinking about sticking a fork down my throat so I can scratch it.  Thankfully I could in fact do that, I have no gag reflex. At least not in the traditional sense.

That however is a story best saved for another day.

How did I get sick? My little ‘boyfriend’ (AKA favorite baby at work, not my actual boyfriend) KG sneezed. In. My. Mouth.  Last week he was all sick and cranky and he just loves me so of course I pick him up and try to comfort him and that was the thanks I got in return.  I’ve been fighting it all week, but of course today it hits me like a fucking Mac truck and I feel like ass.


So anyway, today being good Friday and all, work was a lot more lax.  So much in fact that I didn’t have much to do and left before 2pm. That almost never happens as while handy, that’s going to hurt come payday…  Anyway instead of doing something useful like cleaning my office or working on my new cake website because that just takes far too much effort… So I come on here to bitch and whine about being sick and other random nonsense that spews forth in my mind.

So today, I stumbled upon the following (in no particular order):


Yeah I know it’s blasphemous and I don’t give a shit…  I’m going to hell in every religion anyway and that happened loooooooooooooong before this post happened.  

Continue reading

Baby… Don’t sing it! Bring. It.

Funny thing about dating, a large number of guys that I have spoken to or gone out with play the OS card.

I ain’t talking about operating systems either. 

Oral. Sex.  Why, oh why does everyone play that card?  I mean I know men are horribly desperate for blow jobs, however that doesn’t mean that our thighs get all a quiver at the mere thought of someone dining out on us.  I’ve lost count about how many times a guy has claimed that he just loooooooooves going down on a woman. *Insert eye roll here* 

You want to know what phrase actually get’s me hot?

I’ll do the dishes.

So listen up boys, if you’re going to go on and on and on about just how much eating pussy gets you hot…  Maybe you should go to Chinatown .

Prove it.  Don’t fucking sing it honey, just bring it.

Otherwise? Just do my dishes and STFU.


Woman everywhere.

Life’s little conversation gems…

OK so bear in mind I had a major fat kid vacation so my healthier habits basically went into the toilet.  As a result I’m making a conscious effort to do a little better.  One of those things would be to consume more water, I’m tired of feeling lethargic and dehydrated.  So this is a good thing, having to pee all the time, not so much.  As a result of this, this conversation happened today at work.

Me: Good lord, I need to pee again!

Co-worker: Happens to people who are pregnant.

Me: Nope, that’s *not* possible.

C0-worker: Sure it is, my friend got pregnant and she was on the pill.

Me: (laughing) No (insert co-workers name here), I can’t get pregnant because I don’t have anyone to have sex with.

C0-worker: *Awkward silence*  Soooooo lunch?

We both had a good laugh over the whole thing.  Maybe you just had to be there?


Online dating: the do’s & don’t edition

Here’s what slays me, in this day and age a lot of people utilize online dating websites.  It’s a lot more convient then to bother going to all the trouble of trying to meet someone in person.  Most people won’t own up to this though.  Every single guy I know who uses a popular (and free) dating site, the conversation always starts with: A buddy of mine set up a profile for me and I met this woman…  Online dating, the hidden shame of us all.  It is however, not without it’s pitfalls…

I get a lot of messages depending on what category I place myself in.  I’ve tested this theory out and the most attention grabbing (and also garnered the creepiest replies) was of course ‘intimate encounters’ a close second although not nearly as popular was dating.  Haven’t ever bothered with a long term commitment, figure my in-box would look like a ghost town and that’s not really what I’m after from the get go anyway…  The whole hang out/e-mail talk thing hasn’t ever been an option I’ve chosen, nor activity partner.  I figure intimate encounters pretty much covers this, after all sex is an activity right?

Of course it is! 

Anyway…  Online there’s no consequences, or at the very least not very many.  I personally keep my profile pretty brief and to the point.  Most people these days have short attention spans.  That being said:

Don’t write a fucking novel!  Jesus Christ.  It’s one thing to write a well thought out profile that show cases your highlights.  More often then not though, they usually start with something like OMG I am SO bad at talking about myself lulz and then they proceed to write their life stories, the cliff notes edition.

Use proper grammar and spelling!  Jesus Christ!  Is it really that difficult to spell out an entire word?  You know instead of U how about adding those three extra letters.  OR PEOPLE WHO TYPE LIKE THIS -or- my personal favorite LiKe THsI.  I had a discussion about this with someone last night.  Not bothering to use proper spelling and or grammar makes you look like a fucking idiot who didn’t make it past grade 2.

Private messages: It’s one thing to drop someone a quick word or five to open up the line’s of communication.  However it is in poor taste to write a message to someone that is another novel that highlights your income, the kind of car that you drive and blah fucking blah.  You know what that says to a woman like me?  I’m insecure and I’ll buy you everything that you want because I’m really trying to buy your love because dammit I need someone to fuck love me. Or that you’re a materialistic douche bag.  Either way? Do. Not. Want.  Real woman who will like you for you and you alone, don’t need to know your entire pedigree.  We’re not buying a dog.

Comments on my pictures and or  my tattoos:  Yes I am pretty to most people, thank you.  However saying: ‘Yeah but you’re really hot, you must not be having any problems getting laid” Well not usually no I don’t.  However I don’t need you to point that out.  Proves to me that you’re terribly, terribly insecure.


Saying you want to lick all of my tattoos is not a turn on.  I have 27 and they’re essentially all over the place.  Yes I do have my naughty bits tattooed (and pierced) also my butt cheek, along with one on my big toe and I’m sporting one in my left armpit among other places.  Do you really want to lick my armpit?  Furthermore do *I* want you to lick my armpit?  No.  No I do not.  What are you a dog?  Do I need a bath?  Do you feel that my skin is dry and I should drink more water and or up the ante on my moisturizer?  So just don’t.  It’s NOT attractive and makes you look like a douchebag.

YOUR pictures: The whole point about dating period is all about looking to score.  Regardless of what you want, we’re all searching for something or someone.  Perhaps you’ll get lucky and actually find it.  So naturally no one isn’t going to post pictures of themselves looking anything less then their best usually.  Most guys do OK in this department.  Here’s what’s not OK (in my eyes at least)

  • Pictures of your ride.  What are you a fucking transformer?  No?  Didn’t think so!  Likely you’re over compensating for something.  I don’t want to know what that something is.
  • Your bitchin’ tan.  Most of you look like Jersey shore rejects, it’s not hot.
  • Pictures with what is clearly your ex girlfriend cut out of the picture.  Take 5 mins and take a new one!  Jesus!
  • The mirror pictures showing off your so called ‘bad’ self.  For example (yes this is an actual picture from someone who messaged me)

The caption: a sneak peek at my physique.  You want to know what I see:

  1. A sneak peek into your mom’s/grandmother’s and or wife’s bedroom.  The glaring mauve walls and 80’s mirror are a dead giveaway.  Along with the flowery curtains and the picture of Marilyn Monroe.  I have one of her too because I love her but mine’s hotter.
  2. Back hair.  It looks like your pubes have escaped from your groin and planted themselves above your butt crack.
  3. Douchebag taking a picture of themselves in a mirror.  Self timer’s, even my fucking phone’s camera has one.  Try it sometime.

Pictures of your junk: Most guys assume that if you place yourself in the intimate encounters category, you automatically want a picture of their cock.  No, no I don’t actually.  Why?  Because I, unlike most people have professional pictures of mine.  Thank you Hylton!  I happen to have a really awesome, rock star vag.  That aside, I am also a Chef.  I’m a very visual person in that regard (not unlike most men) and to coin a phrase from someone: “I eat with my eyes first” and that’s true!  So when you send a girl a picture of your junk and it’s not up to par.  I’m going to judge your sorry ass!  I won’t post pictures of some of the eye bleach inducing    genitals I’ve gotten lately but I will tell you this much.  Make. An. Effort.  I personally haven’t ever been with a guy who isn’t cut and after seeing the latest, I really don’t want to.  Not trying to be all judgmental, however not one of you is selling me on it.  Really you’re not, not in the least.

Save for one.  I’m giving him a medal, only because I feel that he deserves one.  As a general rule of thumb, best not to send a picture of your junk unless she asks for it.  It’re pretty damn presumptuous of you to assume that we want to see it.  Also your definition of well endowed can likely vary vastly from mine and on a final note if your going to take a self shot, best not to do it when looking down.  Why?  Because when I look down at my chest, it’s not nearly as large as it actually is.  Ergo, you’re selling yourself short (pun is totally intended).

So if you’re going to create an online profile looking to score, might want to keep some of these points in mind.  Men judge woman based on many, many things and you know what? We do the same.