Baby… Don’t sing it! Bring. It.

Funny thing about dating, a large number of guys that I have spoken to or gone out with play the OS card.

I ain’t talking about operating systems either. 

Oral. Sex.  Why, oh why does everyone play that card?  I mean I know men are horribly desperate for blow jobs, however that doesn’t mean that our thighs get all a quiver at the mere thought of someone dining out on us.  I’ve lost count about how many times a guy has claimed that he just loooooooooves going down on a woman. *Insert eye roll here* 

You want to know what phrase actually get’s me hot?

I’ll do the dishes.

So listen up boys, if you’re going to go on and on and on about just how much eating pussy gets you hot…  Maybe you should go to Chinatown .

Prove it.  Don’t fucking sing it honey, just bring it.

Otherwise? Just do my dishes and STFU.

Sincerely,

Woman everywhere.

Online dating: the do’s & don’t edition

Here’s what slays me, in this day and age a lot of people utilize online dating websites.  It’s a lot more convient then to bother going to all the trouble of trying to meet someone in person.  Most people won’t own up to this though.  Every single guy I know who uses a popular (and free) dating site, the conversation always starts with: A buddy of mine set up a profile for me and I met this woman…  Online dating, the hidden shame of us all.  It is however, not without it’s pitfalls…

I get a lot of messages depending on what category I place myself in.  I’ve tested this theory out and the most attention grabbing (and also garnered the creepiest replies) was of course ‘intimate encounters’ a close second although not nearly as popular was dating.  Haven’t ever bothered with a long term commitment, figure my in-box would look like a ghost town and that’s not really what I’m after from the get go anyway…  The whole hang out/e-mail talk thing hasn’t ever been an option I’ve chosen, nor activity partner.  I figure intimate encounters pretty much covers this, after all sex is an activity right?

Of course it is! 

Anyway…  Online there’s no consequences, or at the very least not very many.  I personally keep my profile pretty brief and to the point.  Most people these days have short attention spans.  That being said:

Don’t write a fucking novel!  Jesus Christ.  It’s one thing to write a well thought out profile that show cases your highlights.  More often then not though, they usually start with something like OMG I am SO bad at talking about myself lulz and then they proceed to write their life stories, the cliff notes edition.

Use proper grammar and spelling!  Jesus Christ!  Is it really that difficult to spell out an entire word?  You know instead of U how about adding those three extra letters.  OR PEOPLE WHO TYPE LIKE THIS -or- my personal favorite LiKe THsI.  I had a discussion about this with someone last night.  Not bothering to use proper spelling and or grammar makes you look like a fucking idiot who didn’t make it past grade 2.

Private messages: It’s one thing to drop someone a quick word or five to open up the line’s of communication.  However it is in poor taste to write a message to someone that is another novel that highlights your income, the kind of car that you drive and blah fucking blah.  You know what that says to a woman like me?  I’m insecure and I’ll buy you everything that you want because I’m really trying to buy your love because dammit I need someone to fuck love me. Or that you’re a materialistic douche bag.  Either way? Do. Not. Want.  Real woman who will like you for you and you alone, don’t need to know your entire pedigree.  We’re not buying a dog.

Comments on my pictures and or  my tattoos:  Yes I am pretty to most people, thank you.  However saying: ‘Yeah but you’re really hot, you must not be having any problems getting laid” Well not usually no I don’t.  However I don’t need you to point that out.  Proves to me that you’re terribly, terribly insecure.

NOT ATTRACTIVE!  

Saying you want to lick all of my tattoos is not a turn on.  I have 27 and they’re essentially all over the place.  Yes I do have my naughty bits tattooed (and pierced) also my butt cheek, along with one on my big toe and I’m sporting one in my left armpit among other places.  Do you really want to lick my armpit?  Furthermore do *I* want you to lick my armpit?  No.  No I do not.  What are you a dog?  Do I need a bath?  Do you feel that my skin is dry and I should drink more water and or up the ante on my moisturizer?  So just don’t.  It’s NOT attractive and makes you look like a douchebag.

YOUR pictures: The whole point about dating period is all about looking to score.  Regardless of what you want, we’re all searching for something or someone.  Perhaps you’ll get lucky and actually find it.  So naturally no one isn’t going to post pictures of themselves looking anything less then their best usually.  Most guys do OK in this department.  Here’s what’s not OK (in my eyes at least)

  • Pictures of your ride.  What are you a fucking transformer?  No?  Didn’t think so!  Likely you’re over compensating for something.  I don’t want to know what that something is.
  • Your bitchin’ tan.  Most of you look like Jersey shore rejects, it’s not hot.
  • Pictures with what is clearly your ex girlfriend cut out of the picture.  Take 5 mins and take a new one!  Jesus!
  • The mirror pictures showing off your so called ‘bad’ self.  For example (yes this is an actual picture from someone who messaged me)

The caption: a sneak peek at my physique.  You want to know what I see:

  1. A sneak peek into your mom’s/grandmother’s and or wife’s bedroom.  The glaring mauve walls and 80’s mirror are a dead giveaway.  Along with the flowery curtains and the picture of Marilyn Monroe.  I have one of her too because I love her but mine’s hotter.
  2. Back hair.  It looks like your pubes have escaped from your groin and planted themselves above your butt crack.
  3. Douchebag taking a picture of themselves in a mirror.  Self timer’s, even my fucking phone’s camera has one.  Try it sometime.

Pictures of your junk: Most guys assume that if you place yourself in the intimate encounters category, you automatically want a picture of their cock.  No, no I don’t actually.  Why?  Because I, unlike most people have professional pictures of mine.  Thank you Hylton!  I happen to have a really awesome, rock star vag.  That aside, I am also a Chef.  I’m a very visual person in that regard (not unlike most men) and to coin a phrase from someone: “I eat with my eyes first” and that’s true!  So when you send a girl a picture of your junk and it’s not up to par.  I’m going to judge your sorry ass!  I won’t post pictures of some of the eye bleach inducing    genitals I’ve gotten lately but I will tell you this much.  Make. An. Effort.  I personally haven’t ever been with a guy who isn’t cut and after seeing the latest, I really don’t want to.  Not trying to be all judgmental, however not one of you is selling me on it.  Really you’re not, not in the least.

Save for one.  I’m giving him a medal, only because I feel that he deserves one.  As a general rule of thumb, best not to send a picture of your junk unless she asks for it.  It’re pretty damn presumptuous of you to assume that we want to see it.  Also your definition of well endowed can likely vary vastly from mine and on a final note if your going to take a self shot, best not to do it when looking down.  Why?  Because when I look down at my chest, it’s not nearly as large as it actually is.  Ergo, you’re selling yourself short (pun is totally intended).

So if you’re going to create an online profile looking to score, might want to keep some of these points in mind.  Men judge woman based on many, many things and you know what? We do the same.

Ranty food review aka where not to eat in Old Montreal

So with the family being here on vacation from Ontario, we of course made a trek to Old Montreal and the port since it was my nieces first time here.

To my utter disappointment,  Le Merville which was hands down my favorite restaurant of ALL time (which says a lot coming from me!) has closed it’s doors for good and Amir in it’s place.  Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind Amir when I’m drunk & starving but we wanted to go somewhere nice.  Seeing as how most restaurants in Jacques Cartier Square have rather exorbitant prices given their upscale locale, you would think that the food would be fabulous, good, above decent?

Twice now I have eaten in the port recently only to be horribly dissapointed.

Both times.

In July I went there with a friend to see the fireworks at Le Ronde and we wanted to grab something to eat.  I was down with going to subway because I was eating on the cheap that night.  I wasn’t feeling something fancy or sit down.  We almost went to La Grande Terrasse but for some reason decided against it.  So we went to Montreal Poutine instead.  Which wasn’t bad per se, the poutine was good but nothing to write home about.  The smoked meat was a little more greasier then I prefer and it came with a nice green salad.   Including a drink, tip and taxes it was almost $30.00!  Thirty bucks for that?  Are you fucking kidding me?  They sell their t-shirts for cheaper!  I mean seriously, I will drop top dollar for GOOD food.  Not mediocre eats you know?

Needless to say, I’ll be heading to Lefleur (or however that’s spelled, don’t judge me!) next time I need a poutine fix.  It’s cheap, uber fast and freaking delicious!  Although I have been told to give La Banquise a go as well.

Anyhoo enter yesterday:

Le Merville is closed much to my sadness so we thought we would give La Grande Terrasse a go for lunch with the kids.

HUGE mistake!

The prices appeared to be borderline reasonable-ish enough at first glace although they were a little up there.  Just goes to show you that you don’t always get what you pay for!  For some reason people seem to have it ingrained in their minds that if it costs more, then the quality is better.  Jacques Cartier Square is known for having some of the most pretentious expensive restaurants in the island.  It goes with the territory of being in such a beautiful place on the island I suppose.  Not only that it’s a major tourist pit in the summer especially and most places are seasonal as well.

Being a Chef, I get that.

So we arrive, the place is crazy busy with servers running around all over the place.  We were largely ignored until I managed to nab a server to see if we sat ourselves.  Which would have been a tad awkward since we were 5 and the tables are bolted to the floor and either sat 2 or four people outside.  Anyway, we finally got a seat and it was SO windy that everything kept blowing all over the damn place!

We order our food: Chicken quesadilla ($15.00), poutine (which was very small $8.00), Royal burger with poutine instead ($17.00), Terrasse Trio ($13.00 for 4 chicken wings, some onion rings, 4 cheese sticks & salsa) & Fish & chips ($16.00).  Soft drinks ($3.00 each) for a grand total of  $93 + change with tax.

The food: SHIT!  I was beyond appalled at the low quality of the food for such a location!  The ONLY thing that appeared to be made in house was the quesadilla.  The wings were super tiny, the fries were your typical McCain shoestring french fries much like McDonald’s, no seasoning at all and they were cold, the cheese sticks were pre-fab frozen stick in the fryer for 3 mins deal,  the onion rings left an after taste of fryer oil that was in dire need of changing, the skimpy piece of fish was mechanically separated, pre-fab and obviously frozen, Captain Highliner style.  Although Captain Highliner is superior to the fish that was served.  The tarter sauce was nothing more then miracle whip with cucumber and nothing else, the burger obviously came out of a box too!

I’ve eaten at my share of places in Montreal and tend to favor the more casual pub style deals because even though I am a Chef and have some seriously high expectations when it comes to food; I’ve eaten better at McDonald’s compared to this place! For the price that we paid, I could have gone to IGA, gotten far more superior quality food and fed all 5 of us for at least a week, if not longer!

La Grande Terrasse, you went above and beyond my level of disappointment!

I miss Le Merville 🙁