Time to purge thyself

It’s not often that I “expose myself” online, or anywhere else for that matter.  No one likes a downer, and I am a far cry from one of those attention whore, drama causing, pity me types.  Although someone (only one person in fact) has actually called me a drama queen.  Although, not only are they the ONLY person who’s ever said that.  Apparently everything that happens in my life (according to them) = drama.

Heh.

Apparently…

riiiiiiiiiiiiight….

Yeah I’m a little bitter, but I’ll get over it.

Although they have yet to meet some of my friends people I know who are the epitome of drama/pity me/feel sorry for me.  So much to the point that they could start their own theater production company are in dire need of therapy.

Anyway, this isn’t about them.  It’s about me.

Fuck you it’s my blog.

Anyway I was reading Tanis AKA the redneck mommy’s latest post on her blog. It broke my heart.  On a number of levels.  I can also empathize with her on a certain level.  Earlier last year, I had a miscarriage.  Had that not happened, I would be just about ready or already have had a child at this point.

No I don’t care to talk about that.  So please don’t ask me about it here at all.  However should you feel oh so compelled to inquire about it.  Please e-mail me instead.  So I don’t have to publicly tell you to fuck off err drop dead please respect my privacy.  It’s still a touchy subject for me.  I am however taking the first step to acknowledging that it happened, I will perhaps discuss it when I’m ready.

Anyway part of her post (mostly how she felt like a failure) hit home.  As in felt like someone smashed me in the face with a baseball bat.  I’m not a parent, but one thing I do know is loss.  Also grief and how it follows you like your own personal natural disaster, hanging out in the background and lingering.  I like to think that for the most part I have a handle on this whole grief thing.  Reese Butler (the founder & president of the Kristin Brooks Hope Center/1-800-suicide) said in an interview after loosing his wife to suicide:

“The first year after her death was the most painful year of my life. The 2nd year after her death was only worse because it was the opposite, totally numb and a total loss of desire to live anymore. It was then that I learned how a depressed person could welcome death as a relief from the pain or hopelessness that ensued.”  Feel free to read the whole thing here (it’s pretty awesome).

Depression sucks.  So does feeling like no one’s there to listen, or feeling like a non person.  Especially when the people that are there for you claim to be there for you, but are far too self centered/wrapped up in their own lives merely pretend to care.  All the while thinking, please just STFU.  I know who those people are, they no longer have a welcome place in my life.  I don’t keep score, but please don’t expect me to give a flying fuck about ANYTHING that goes on in your life, when you could truly care less about what goes on in mine.  I believe in equality, and treating people the same way that they treat me.  So if you take me for granted/walk all over me I will do the same be the bigger person and walk away.

Most of the time.

Sometimes I can’t.

Because Karma’s a bitch and sometimes her name is Steph.

That’ll learn ya now won’t it.

Anyway, moving along!

I completed my OSIS (Online Suicide Intervention Specialist) training at the end of November.  All through my professor droning on and on (Christ he’s such a pompous ass!) and playing solitaire all the while.  Because let’s face it, it’s about as dry as dinosaur remains and I needed something to keep me awake visually stimulated that wouldn’t outwardly distract me from what I was doing.  Occasionally I would glance up and would look at Jason’s picture.  Just a friendly painful reminder of why I’m doing this.  I’m doing it for him, I’m doing it in the hopes that I can spare someone else the soul sucking heartache of loosing someone to suicide.  It was a great reminder and then it became my downfall.

I was there, hitting the finish line. *Cue chariots of fire.* wrote my final and BAM!

I was done YAY!

I threw my head back in an attempt to stretch.  Sitting on one’s ass in a computer chair for hours at a time is harder then you think.  Closed my eyes and thought to myself VICTORY! I was proud, euphoric and stuff.  Then I made the mistake of sitting up and opening my eyes and once again looking at Jason’s picture on my wall and that feeling of awesome immediately felt like:

FAIL!

Now, I know I shouldn’t.  Except a small part of me wonders, if I couldn’t save him, what makes me think that I can save others?  I truly have no idea, but I’ll be dammed if I don’t at least try.  I’m pretty sure Julie (Jason’s mom) feels the same way.  She sent me a wonderful e-mail telling me that I’m doing a great thing and I’ll help lots of people.  After reading that I couldn’t help but thinking the UN-written/UN-spoken words to follow that should have been:

“Why couldn’t you help my son?”

Can’t say I blame her, because if I was her…

I’d probably feel the same way.

This is my battle to fight.  One that I intend to win.  I try to console myself with the thoughts that Jason’s death is not in vain.  Although part of me ( a rather large one) wishes that he was still here and I was doing this because I wanted to help others.  Not because I want to help others because I know firsthand how much it hurts.

Everything happens for a reason.

Right?

OSIS & books

I feel like I’ve given birth and ran a marathon simultaneously.  Pete told me on the evening of the 18th to take a break.  Break?  Quel est ce mot pause, il parle de?  So I checked out Merriam & Webster’s definition of the word break and I’m still not sure what he’s getting at?  Does he want me to break someone’s arm?  Perhaps his?  Perhaps his face?

Not that I would, he’s too cute.  Although I have thought about it 😉

Anyway moving along…  I wrote a book as you all know and after some major hurdles, mishaps, yelling, screaming, trips in the rain and making my visa bleed…  It’s here!  My publisher is nothing short of awesome!  She went above and beyond my expectations and my book looks wonderful.  I haven’t had time to actually sit down and absorb the fact that I am in fact an author.  It’s still really hard for me to believe.    *note to self, if you ever write another one, don’t give yourself the most tightest deadline known to man!* I’m going to re-design her website for her, I’m good like that.  I’m going to post a video about my book soon, since it’s far more interesting then writing about it.  Then you can buy one!

No seriously,  everyone should own one!  Except printing is limited to a mere 43 copies so only a few people will be privileged enough to own a signed and numbered copy.  Because I’m special like that!  It’s also for charity, so karma points kids!  Think about karma!

So yeah I wrote a book and in midst of writing said book I was busy fund-raising for  IAMAlive more so for moi to help offset the $250.00 (USD) training costs.  Through the generosity of  a few of my friends and a scholarship I was able to start training.  Said training, offered in conjunction with Eastern Washington University, more specifically the QPR institute leads to 30 university credits, 40 hours of accreditation and most importantly Online Suicide Intervention Specialist certification.  That very generous scholarship did however come with a couple strings.  One of them being that I had to complete my training by no later then December 1st.  The upside to that is if I’m one of the first 100 people to complete it, then I will be recognized as one of the founding volunteers.  Which is pretty awesome!  I don’t know if that applies to me or not so I’m not going to get too excited or say much about it until then.

It was a long hard road to get my book out on time and throw in university at the same time.  Completing this course, while exuberant for me on one level, left me and still has me quite sad  on another.  During the gatekeeper portion of my training, there’s a video in it that says something to the effect of:” If you have lost someone you love to suicide, we acknowledge your loss and give our sympathy to you.  However don’t feel too bad if you couldn’t save them, because you didn’t have the proper training!”

Really?   I know you didn’t just say that you arrogant bastard!

Everyday hero’s aren’t always Dr’s or police officers or whatever.  Sometimes when a person has given up all hope, it’s amazing what kind words from a person can do.  Kevin H, who is one of the survivors  of the Golden Gate bridge recalls how all he wanted was for someone to care that day he choose to jump.  After being passed by two bridge workers and a police officer oblivious to his tears a woman had stopped him and he thought to himself, finally someone cares!  Turns out she was a tourist who only wanted her picture taken.  Who knows what would have happened had she had stopped and said hey, is everything OK?  Long story short, it’s amazing how much a small token of caring can make a world of difference.  You can read Kevin’s story here, it’s nothing short of amazing.

I’ve sat through hours of lectures, read a couple books on the subject through the course of my training.  One of them being Suicide the forever decision.  Which you can download or read online.  It’s not a long read, nor full of technical jargon that the average person can’t understand.  Everyone should read it, even if they’re not nor have ever been suicidal.

Jason’s picture hangs on my wall right above my desk.  I just need to glance up and there he is.  Which turned out to be a good thing as I sat there and listened to my prof drone on and on and I was trying not to fall asleep and fighting the urge to say screw it; then I would look up and remind myself of the number one reason why I’m doing this.

I’m doing it for him.

I’m doing it in the hopes that I can spare another family the pain and soul sucking heartache of loosing a loved one to suicide.  Part of me will always wonder if this was in place years ago if it would have made a difference, if I had in fact had this training previously could I have saved him?

I’ll never know the answer to that and because of that I try hard not to dwell on it.  Although I know myself well enough to know that part of me, in the back of my mind will always wonder if it would have made a difference.  Don’t ever be afraid to reach out and help someone, even if it’s a complete stranger.  You just might be the one person that makes all the difference, simply by caring.

I have a lighter heart…

Mostly thanks to him.

Not just any him, but THE him.

Le sigh

He gives me the most amazing ideas I have ever had.  He’s my muse, my inspiration and while he has moments of total douchbaggery (no one’s perfect right?) I think he’s pretty awesome and does some pretty awesome things as well!

I sent him a copy of this simply because I really liked it and I thought he would like it to:

Hope

He passed it onto a friend.  Which gave me the idea to create the hope project.

I want to pay it forward the same way he did, only in a slightly different manner.  So I posted about it on NAOYP facebook page which I in turn cross posted to my profile.  I had gotten a comment that it was a really powerful image and it is.  Later on that night, I got a message from someone dealing with depression (including a failed suicide attempt).  This simple image moved them to tears.  They also went on to say a few other things that I won’t/can’t share (without their permission) and also mentioned that they were thinking about copying it and hanging it around their home.

I hope they do.

I was floored and very, very touched. 

I miss Jason A lot.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and while I wish that I still had him, in loosing him I found a purpose in life.  Or perhaps it’s just a purpose in general.  My only goal for starting the foundation was to help even one person to not give up so that Jason’s death wouldn’t be in vain.

I’ve succeeded in doing this.  I won’t lie, it feels incredible!

I had some help along the way from Pete.  I gotta say Pete and I seem to work really well together and I’m really happy and extremely fortunate to know him.

Together we seem to accomplish great things and I love him for it.

The great wedding cake project, this was taken at 4am when we were finally done the most epic cake I have ever made!