There are NO words…

Instead of posting a total downer post (ta da!) here’s some useless, although highly amusing (to some) links.

Enjoy ūüėČ

Natural harvest (hmm, wonder if I should add this to my recipe book collection?)

Puby panties? (not entirely safe for work or children) Who designs this stuff?  Seriously!

A killer top ten thanks to Twwly!

The most random lawsuit ever!

That’s quite the er tramp stamp you got there…

Deep thoughts with…

Steph, Erma Bombeck & him.¬† Inspired by Carly ūüôā

Ah the art of letting things go.¬† Mostly stuff, not “mental stuff” (although I am working on that) by actual physical true to life “stuff”.¬† I hung out with Mr. AP on Sunday which was as always wonderful.¬† He also just moved.¬† So in asking my opinion on what I would do personally to make it look more like a home per say.¬† I at first used the term decorate and then changed it to polish (which he said sounded less threatening) who can blame him?¬† After all the last thing any guy wants is a woman to waltz in to their home no less and be all heyyyyyy i’ma going to let you finish but first I’m going to do this that and the other thing.¬† He likes minimalism & who can blame him?¬† I do as well to a degree, but Christ I have so much stuff its UN-freaking-real!¬† I also hate bare walls & do love me some photography & art.¬† So needless to say my walls aren’t covered in them but tastefully decorated.¬† So he said I was allowed to make him some art awesome!¬† Let’s just hope that what I have in mind actually comes to fruition, but I think its going to look pretty damn stellar.

Anyway, its spring-ish which means spring cleaning for some.¬† You see, I must have inherited the pack-rat gene from my father.¬† I think there’s also some psychosomatic need to¬† “horde” things because when Jeff & I split, I had nothing.¬† Well almost nothing.¬† Thanks to some good friends and¬† cheap rent, teamed up with working my butt off (not to mention some killer sales) I am the proud owner of things.¬† Except I have too many things.¬† I’m sentimental like that, I like to keep reminders of times gone by.¬† People that have passed on & fond memories.¬† However when it comes to the point of consuming your precious space you need to get rid of some stuff.

Which led me to a poem by Erma Bombeck:

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the ‘good’ living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.”
There would have been more “I love you’s.” More “I’m sorry’s.”
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute, look at it and really see it , live it and never give it back.

Mostly the candle comment, which oddly enough we were talking about on Sunday (something to do with wedding favors or some such) and how there’s no point in holding onto something that you can actually use.¬† If that makes any sense?¬† Also what’s the point of holding onto stuff that you don’t use/want/need?¬† Oh right, there isn’t.¬† So essentially I’m scaling down my life some.¬† I cleaned out my closet (dear God what a job that was) and got rid of a ton of stuff.¬† I saw no point in holding onto it “just because” . Just because why? Its not as if its some rare one of a kind item that I can never get back again.
Also a lot of it was just taking up too much damn room.¬† So I’m breaking up with “stuff”, if I don’t have a practical use for it, or some hardcore emotional attachment to it, out to the curb it goes.

Normally I would donate it to charity, but seeing as I don’t have a car craigslist will have to suffice.¬† I gave it a shot last weekend in spite of being sick and wouldn’t you know it 99.5% of it was gone by morning.¬† That made me exceptionally happy ūüôā¬† So going to finish off the job and get rid of the rest of it!

Clearing out all this crap makes my head that much clearer!

Ohhh FFS!

I’m still sick, not nearly as bad as I was on Monday or Tuesday mind you.¬† However I still sound like a combination of Darth Vader and a coffee maker gone horribly wrong.¬† This is what I get for doing the things I do.¬† I was Mostly OK on Sunday.¬† Well OK enough to see him after I pumped myself full of drugs, took a bath and almost killed both my cats in the process.¬† In spite of the fact that I felt like (and still do feel like) a bloated¬† cow…¬† I’m also feeling tres barftastique!¬† For real…¬† I had to get blood work done on Sunday, that is always fun.¬† Maybe then I’ll discover what the hell is wrong with me. I can nap on demand and my body aches all. the. damn. time.

I also feel compelled to point out this: “Love may be blind, however I am not in love. I also have glasses that didn’t come with the rose colored tint, so I can also see ;)”¬† Although Jen had a valid point with this: “if love blind pluck it out and see not with rose colored glass but look into the soul and u will see clearly if your attended is worthy of your love”

Why do you ask?

Because I refer to him as Mr. Almost Perfect.¬† As in almost perfect FOR me.¬† I like him, we get on well.¬† However like I said to him the other day, the stars got knocked out of my eyes a LONG time ago.¬† I am not infatuated with him, nor am I in love with him.¬† I do however enjoy his company immensely.¬† Its new & I’m not looking too far ahead.¬† Right now I’m just enjoying the moments as they come.¬† Besides no one truly knows our situation except for us.¬† So needless to say I got rather annoyed flat out irritated when one of my friends felt the need to point out that no one is perfect, let alone almost perfect.¬† On my facebook wall no less.¬† She felt that I “needed a reminder”.¬† Um hmm.¬† OK how about you stay outta my personal life and drop dead. mind your own business?¬† What am I some starry eyed 15 year old?¬† No I happen to be on the edge of being *cough 32 cough* I see no need for any sort of alarm or concern.¬† Either of which is horribly misplaced.¬† I know what I’ve been through, last time I recall I was there.¬† I am not a naive fool thanks.¬† If you feel the need to comment on anything I do in my life, then fucking well message me privately.¬† Even my mom & her mom both said that I wasn’t in need of a reality check.¬† Thanks though, however if I wanted your opinion; I would gladly give it to you.

For real.

Apparently that pissed me off more then I thought it did. Who knew?  Which is why I deleted that post & the argument/comments that followed.  It was getting a tad ridiculous!

In other news…

I’ve been corresponding quite a bit with Jason’s mom.¬† Who’s been nothing short of wonderful!¬† She wants to bring Jason’s ashes to Canada.¬† He always wanted to come & I believe it was last 2 summer’s ago¬† that he almost made it here too.¬† Well to Toronto for BME fest.¬† I was mighty pissed that I wasn’t going to be able to meet him, except he wasn’t able to cross the border due to a lack of a passport.¬† So the poor guy got stuck in Buffalo NY.¬† So of course pending she decides to bring him here (which I’m assuming she will) I’ll get to “meet him” in retrospect, however that wasn’t what I had in mind…¬† However I think it will be nice to have a memorial service and scatter his ashes with his mom and whomever else chooses to be in attendance that day.¬† Yeah I know that’s technically not legal but hey, why not?

So out of curiosity I checked out the price of airline tickets on Expedia.¬† Carlsbad has an airport and so does Montreal, so that made searching easy.¬† The cost blew. my. fucking. mind.¬† Almost $1300.00 yes that would be thirteen hundred freaking dollars for a round trip ticket!¬† Yet for about the same price I could go to you know Cuba and stay in a 5 star all inclusive resort for a week.¬† W.T.F.!?!¬† I wonder how long it would take to drive there… One day and 12 hours according to Google maps (of course I had to check you know). Not that I would do such a thing but you know what I mean?¬† I think Jason was taking the bus across the border into Niagara Falls and grabbing a flight from there to Toronto.¬† Can’t recall now, obviously it doesn’t matter that much.

Something to ponder anyway.

On a final note, I really want a cupcake!

um stuff?

Its 10:00am, I just had cheesecake for breakfast. ¬†Don’t judge me!

I thought I deserved a little self indulgence. ¬†I’m sick, as in dear God someone please kill me now sick. ¬†No one’s taking up my offers to run me over though damn you! ¬†I blame him, him as in I was going to see you Wed but your still sick and now i’m sick, him. ¬†Granted I work at a daycare where runny noses are always in abundance but I’m the Chef, not an educator so I rarely interact with the little ones very often. ¬†There’s a reason for that. ¬†I had managed to stave off anything that was in fact going around the daycare, but then he was sick and we were making out in the museum on Saturday. Sigh

God damn him and all his yummy-ness!

In other news, I had a shift last night at COC that no one mentioned to me. ¬†Fabulous! ¬†Had it not been payday on Thursday (hooray!) and had I not contemplated taking Maximus primes Sunday shift I would have had no freaking clue. ¬†That is until D-rock would have called me & been “hey Steph, where the fuck are you?” I thought about stabbing myself so I could go home early but my morals got¬†the¬†best of me and thought it would be best to stick it out with the new guy. ¬†That’s OK because new guy got one hell of a dose of Steph that he’s not likely to forget anytime soon *smirk* heh… ¬†I’d write about it but i’m currently stoned on cold medication and i’m lazy. ¬†Besides it was more like one of those you had to be there moments.

Anyhow moving along…

A while ago I briefly mentioned biting the bullet and contacting Jason’s family(among other things). ¬†Which I was hesitant to do because I don’t know them, therefore they sure as hell don’t know how I am either. ¬†Grief is a funny thing & we all deal with it differently & for me its also a private matter. ¬†OK well not too private since I’ve been blogging about it from the get go but still. ¬†I just know how much it hurt me personally and I couldn’t begin to¬†fathom¬†how his mother would feel. ¬†So one night at work a co-worker and myself were talking about Jason and he brother who sadly met the same demise in a similar fashion. ¬†She made me feel better by saying that her mom loved hearing from anyone who knew her bother. ¬†Its almost April and I was¬†starting¬†to wonder if my letter (yes I wrote typed out a letter and mailed it the old fashioned way) reached its destination or not. ¬†Although I remember Jason telling me that it was a small town and well the mail service sucks, not to mention its in another country.

I came home in between jobs yesterday to feed the kids and decided to check my e-mail. ¬†There was two in there from the same person, one containing pictures & another one where the subject line: Thank you for the beautiful letter. ¬†I didn’t¬†recognize¬†the name & at first I thought it was spam but I opened it and sure enough, it was from Jason’s mom. ¬†I was floored, but happy that it had arrived safely! ¬†I was also pretty happy that she wholly supports what I aim to do which is amazing ūüôā ¬†I quote:” ¬†And I think, too, that if his death brings people together who can change even one other life in this world, there is new beauty and hope.” I totally agree! ¬†So that simple gesture made me feel 100 times better about the situation as a whole. ¬†Not just his foundation, but the grief¬†I’ve¬†been¬†experiencing¬†in general. ¬†What she wrote just made everything seem OK for the first time since it happened.

Which is amazing and perhaps what I needed all along, so thank you for that.