Monthly Archives: May 2010

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Ghosts & sex

I have a poster art print thingy in my living room that I think is simply stunning.  I’d post an image but Pete still has my camera that somehow got wedged underneath the seat of his car.  Thankfully out of the clutches of Bandit the designer shoe chewing dog.

But I digress.  Some of my friends think its creepy, some people don’t “get it” but they like it.  Others think its just kind of wrong given how Jason committed suicide.  However I sense that there is a correlation between my buying that particular print and his death (as Pete once presented forth to me and I did ponder this) seeing as how I got it two days after he died, while I was at the tattoo convention.

Something about it sucks you in.

I think its beautiful personally.

Its a depiction of a woman standing in front of some cardiogram graph thing with a beautiful tattoo on her hand going up her arm, a row of rose thorns around her neck causing her to bleed as she’s smiling and holding a revolver to the side of her head.  I was captivated by this image, something about it spoke volumes to me and I had to have it.  I remember when I purchased it, the gentleman selling it to me pointed to the gun and said:

“It’s just a prop”

I remember thinking in one of  my grief stricken moments I wish Jason’s was just a prop.  It however was not.

Anyway, I can’t afford no fancy frame for this oddly sized sucker so I went to Zellers and purchased a poster frame that’s really just a piece of Plexiglas with a backing and the four sides that are all removable.  Except it doesn’t always co-operate like it should.

Of course.

I was standing in my kitchen earlier this evening and I heard what can only be described as a ripping noise and I looked behind me and all I could see was this insane print swinging to & fro.  One of the sides had come away from the wall (it was being held in place with blue tac to help keep it straight on the wall because it doesn’t lie flat.)  Then I got to thinking…

Perhaps its the new book that I’m reading?  Its called follow, to summarize its a creepy book about a woman who’s haunted by visits from dead people.  Then I got to thinking about the conversation that Ms. Jackson and I had a few days after Jason’s demise and how she told me that if there was life after death then Jason would know how much I’m hurting.  I got to thinking about this last night, more so because of something I wanted to do/should have done in my last e-mail but didn’t.  So I thought to myself you know, I really do hope that there is life after death because even though he would see my world of hurt, he would know just how much I loved him too.

So then this whole poster thing happened and I ain’t going to lie, it Creep-ed. Me. Right. The. Fuck. Out.  I looked at her and something about that print made my skin crawl.  Between my nerves, my stalker, that strange (but good) book I’m reading, haunted encounters I have had in the past (I’ll save that story for another day) and loosing my best friend I thought to myself what if a ghost comes to visit you and you’re in the middle of something?

Like having sex for instance.

Do they stick around and watch?

Is there porn on the other side?

Strange to ponder I know but I got to thinking about this at random.  Then I thought to myself as I was walking around with no pants on, is he here?  Was that some sort of sign from him?

I’m just not down with the deceased seeing my O face I guess 😉

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Tampons, condoms & vibrators (at the dollar store) a touching story.

Deep thoughts with Steph part 309

So I seen (via a friends twitter feed) a great blog post.  Now I trust Tracey’s instincts when it comes to humor, because she’s one funny lady.  So when she posted a link to this blog story I thought instead of posting some of the ones I had to share in the comments section, I thought “hey I have my own blog, so what not write my own?”  So here I are 🙂

I can relate to tampon related issues, after all I am a woman.  Yeah, yeah I know TMI, but whatever.

I have a uterus, therefore I bleed.  Deal.

Anyway, I got my period and my massive boobs early in life.  I didn’t need guidance from my mom, I read Judy Blume.  You know books like: Are you there God? It’s me Margaret.  My sister who is older then me had already started at this point (sorry Sandra) so I would just use her pads.  OMFG pads sucked balls.  Don’t give me this ultra thin non-sense, I swear to God it was like wearing a mini mattress between your legs!  Then I discovered tampons.

At first I wasn’t entirely sure what they were for, then I got a clue so I thought I would you know “practice”.  I’m pretty sure that’s how I really lost my virginity.  Well at the very least broke my hymen for real.  The whole sex thing came later, I’ll save that story for another day.  So yanking that sucker out, well sucked since I wasn’t on my actual period.  However that really isn’t the point to this post, more so in relation to other things.

Working with a bunch of women, period talk is just about damn near inevitable when you think about it.  So one of my co-workers (from my old job) shared this particular story with me  and even thinking about it now still makes me laugh to no end!   She’s from Brazil, so her first language was neither English or French (I live in Quebec so this applies).  She was in need of a pad and no one had one so another co-worker gave her a tampon.  Poor woman had no clue what it was, so said co-worker tried to explain it to her.

Except she got it wrong.  Dead wrong.

First she put it in with the wrapper still on.

Then after having some major discomfort (no doubt!) took the plastic off, but left the applicator on.

Still couldn’t figure out why it didn’t “feel” right, only to realize that no, the applicator is not meant to be “left behind”.

OK maybe some of you won’t find that funny, had to be there I guess…

On Condoms & tampons…

One day I was at Pharmaprix (or shoppers drug mart for you non QC residents) buying some personal items such as tampons and Trojan magnum condoms for an uptight friend (seriously, it really was for a friend.  All the guys I know who wear them hate buying them) anyway I am the kind of person who will not only make fun of you in the condom aisle, I’ll also buy them for you because your pansy ass is too embarrassed or whatever.

I mean seriously hello, think about how awesome that makes me look?

Anyway I get in line and this couple who was considerably younger then I was who were standing behind me snickering the whole time at my purchases.  Tampons, maybe some bikini wax and of course a box of Trojan magnums which looks like this in case you didn’t already know:Not exactly discreet if you know what I mean.  So anyway I glanced back behind me and the guy who was snickering and pointing at my crap on the counter was Asian of some sort. (beware slightly racist comment to follow)  It’s a well know stereotype that Asian guys aren’t “well endowed” now I don’t know this to be fact of course.  After all it IS just a stereotype right?  So forgive me if that just offended anyone.  Anyway moving along…

I glanced behind me once again, looked the guy straight in the eye and said what?  Are you jealous?

Well, the look on his face was PRICELESS!  So was the Cashiers, she was laughing so hard!

That snotty brat had nothing to say about that 😉

On Condoms and tampons:

Eons ago (I was maybe 15 or 16 at the time) you know back in the dark ages.  I had a bet with my then boyfriend that he wouldn’t have the balls to buy me tampons.  To which he retorted “Well IF I buy you tampons, then you have to buy the condoms!” I accepted this challenge and living in a smaller city, our shoppers drug mart wasn’t that big so the tampons and condoms were in the same aisle/area.  I gave him what I wanted and grabbed the box of condoms and we were both off and running to the cashier looking rather triumphant that we had both completed this task.  Of course the cashier looked at us like we were on crack but looking back on it, it was pretty damn funny!

Dollar store vibrators:

Yesterday I was out with my friend “LA” and she was in need of a few items for her hot date and I was just browsing.  I do love the dollar store and I have always maintained that you can find anything there.  So while in the aisle that has your usual assortment of “Health & Beauty” products I spotted a “personal, hand held back massager” that  looks similar to this (for the sake of argument):

Alleged "back massager"

So I jokingly said to LA:”Ohhhhhhhh look a vibrator! You really can buy everything at the dollar store!”  She looks at me like I grew a second head and says to me and I quote:” Now Steph, that’s NOT A VIBRATOR its a back massager.  You use it to massage your back, nothing else” Or something like that…

I beg to differ, seeing as how I have an online store that carries these “alleged” so called, personal massagers…  The way I see it, if it takes batteries and it vibrates then its a vibrator.  Not necessarily a good one, but hey even welfarians need sex toys too you know!

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I’m at it again…

Yeah I know, do I ever really stop?

Not usually no.

Anyway lots of craziness has happened in the past little while.  Far too much to write about, but hey here’s some highlights:

Spider man & hello kitty in cake form:  I was asked by the other bosses wife to make a hello kitty cake and a spider man cake for their 2 children.  Hello kitty is easy (or so I thought) and spider man, well I did a Google search for spider man cakes and found a great website that had lots of images of a 3-d bust of spider man (sorry no pictures camera is MIA) although I was assured that I would be e-mailed some.  Anyway, I was So. Ridiculously. Sick. on the day of the event that I was due to not only cater the food but finish the damn cakes.

Mission impossible?

Hell yes! Not entirely

At first glance I had my doubts about it looking like spider man, more like the victim of a tragic farming accident.  Had to re-make the fondant 3 freaking times and of course it just wasn’t going red like I wanted it to.  So I had to finger paint on the red.  Next time I’m buying red fondant, in a pail because the cost vs effort, well there’s no comparison what so ever.  In the end it wasn’t perfect but looked close enough to spider man to make the little man happy and for a first attempt in conjunction with being deathly ill I did OK.  Even hello kitty fared pretty well in the end, thank God!

I also got quite the tip for my efforts which was nice.  I My Visa will appreciate that 🙂

I also made a killer snow white cake, which of course the pictures are on my memory card in my camera that I can’t currently find at the moment.  (keeping my fingers crossed that its in Pete’s car/Apt)

Not to mention the most bitching wedding cake ever, with the help of Pete.  I honestly don’t think I could have pulled it off without him.  OK I’m pretty sure I could, however I have to say that having him around made this task a lot less daunting and working with him was nothing short of pure greatness 🙂  I also made Clint a grooms/birthday cake which I do have a picture of, on my freaking camera of course!

Anyway without further ado, the most bitching wedding cake of the century!

Pete has better pictures but there’s a general idea for you.  The little wee one is for Jen, she can’t have raspberry so we made her a non raspberry one just for her.  The cake in case you were wondering was lemon sponge finished with a raspberry liqueur simple syrup and each layer’s filling (4 per tier) was alternating lemon curd Swiss meringue butter-cream & raspberry Swiss meringue butter-cream which was then covered in a combination of the lemon/raspberry Swiss butter cream and topped with lemon flavored fondant.  Was a huge hit and everyone loved it!

Once I get the pictures from Pete I’ll post them here 🙂

In other news, I decided to volunteer for IAMAlive which requires me to be certified as a suicide prevention counselor that’s offered through Eastern Washington University.  50 hours, costs $250.00 so I will be hitting people up for sponsorship to help offset the cost.  Its important to me and more importantly it will help to benefit my foundation as well.  All in due time of course, for the moment I need to focus on getting better physically and feeling better emotionally.  Which I seem to be getting there on both levels.  Physical aliments I can deal with, working in a daycare those seem to come and go.  I’m more focused on the emotional aspect of it now.

Also on a final note, I got a surprise when my best friend from ON decided to come to Montreal for this beautiful long weekend and I got to spend some awesome time with her and her lovely family including her beautiful new baby boy.  OMG he IS the sweetest little thing ever!  Was a good day, did lots, seen lots and had a great time.  Was so good to see them!

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More random grumblings

So I think I have thought of the best possible solution to le problem that I seemingly have…

Kill them with kindness, it makes them wonder what your up to.

No seriously, I do need to get this off my chest, along with a few cup sizes…

If I manage to do so without yelling and screaming that will be quite the impressive testament to my skills I have to say.  Yeah I know its not what you say, but more so how you say it.

I just hope I recall it all

Sometimes my short term memory fails me, not when I actually want it to.

Of course.

Usually when I am trying to illustrate a really important point, then I forget half of what I was going to say and then I have to bring it up again because my OCD just refuses to let things like these go.

I am also thinking that I might be having a mid life crisis.  Totally plausible, I’ll be *cough* 32 *cough* soon and well seeing as how a majority of my family drops dead dies from some hideous form of cancer passes onto to the after life if there even is one around 64 or so with a few exceptions, that would in fact put me at the halfway mark which is mid-life no?

BRING IT ON!