I stumbled upon an article on gossipbook crackbook facebook the other day Via Rebekah who got it from someone else. Anyway the article titled:
Made a whole lot of sense to me. OK granted I know a lot of people who blog that use it as their space to vent/un-load (myself included) for whatever reason. I pay for this space, ergo I feel that I should be entitled to post what the hell ever I deem fit.
Fair enough. If anything I have to say gets anyone down that much, they don’t have the read anything that I write. Writing is therapeutic for most people. I personally do it because it’s my outlet, a way to express myself to no one in particular other then whomever happens to stumble upon my blog that day. We all have problems, we all have issues and we’re all a little crazy no matter how “normal” you might like to think you are.
Society is hard core fucked up you know!
Anyway, back to what I was saying.
So. Many. Of. Them. Infect. My. Life.
DO. NOT. WANT.
Essentially I’m tired of people expecting other people to blow sunshine up their ass every damn day! Learn to be self reliant and find your OWN form of happiness! I can drum up several examples of people who post status updates on facebook/titter/their blog whatever social media outlet you choose; that scream: PITY ME! FEEL SORRY FOR ME! FIND A MAN/WOMAN/S’HIM/WHATEVER THE HELL I’M ATTRACTED TO FOR ME! PRAISE ME! MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL! ACKNOWLEDGE ME! PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEE!
I have since blocked these people from my news feed because quite simply I can’t take their self centered bullshit any longer. People like that NEED HELP. Usually because they have no self esteem/self worth. Why can’t you just be happy with YOU. Why is a requirement for other people to make you happy? Who has time for that?
I really wish people would learn to get off their asses and learn to be self sufficient for a change! Life is what YOU make it, not what others do! Be INSPIRED by others to do something good for yourself/others. Only YOU can make this happen at the end of the day.
Please, please! GET. OVER. YOURSELF.
Google is your friend! Having a shitty day and need a laugh? GOOGLE! Bored, want something to do? GOOGLE! Learn, educate yourself, amuse yourself, do something worthwhile because YOU can! Christ don’t sit on your ass and expect other people to do it for you. Otherwise you’ll find yourself in the “energy vampires” category ergo someone I can’t stand anymore.
on a totally random/semi-unrelated note. I stumbled upon this interesting article on a very smart octopus. Working as a Chef usually means your going to stumble upon squid of some form in your life. I refuse to eat them because I see what they look like BEFORE they hit your plate. At least now I can justify it by saying that some of them are smart. However even though I said this was semi-un-related, Otto seems to be an attention whore too. Not so random after all.
It’s not often that I “expose myself” online, or anywhere else for that matter. No one likes a downer, and I am a far cry from one of those attention whore, drama causing, pity me types. Although someone (only one person in fact) has actually called me a drama queen. Although, not only are they the ONLY person who’s ever said that. Apparently everything that happens in my life (according to them) = drama.
Yeah I’m a little bitter, but I’ll get over it.
Although they have yet to meet some of my friends people I know who are the epitome of drama/pity me/feel sorry for me. So much to the point that they could start their own theater production company are in dire need of therapy.
Anyway, this isn’t about them. It’s about me.
Fuck you it’s my blog.
Anyway I was reading Tanis AKA the redneck mommy’s latest post on her blog. It broke my heart. On a number of levels. I can also empathize with her on a certain level. Earlier last year, I had a miscarriage. Had that not happened, I would be just about ready or already have had a child at this point.
No I don’t care to talk about that. So please don’t ask me about it here at all. However should you feel oh so compelled to inquire about it. Please e-mail me instead. So I don’t have to publicly tell you to fuck off err drop dead please respect my privacy. It’s still a touchy subject for me. I am however taking the first step to acknowledging that it happened, I will perhaps discuss it when I’m ready.
Anyway part of her post (mostly how she felt like a failure) hit home. As in felt like someone smashed me in the face with a baseball bat. I’m not a parent, but one thing I do know is loss. Also grief and how it follows you like your own personal natural disaster, hanging out in the background and lingering. I like to think that for the most part I have a handle on this whole grief thing. Reese Butler (the founder & president of the Kristin Brooks Hope Center/1-800-suicide) said in an interview after loosing his wife to suicide:
“The first year after her death was the most painful year of my life. The 2nd year after her death was only worse because it was the opposite, totally numb and a total loss of desire to live anymore. It was then that I learned how a depressed person could welcome death as a relief from the pain or hopelessness that ensued.” Feel free to read the whole thing here (it’s pretty awesome).
Depression sucks. So does feeling like no one’s there to listen, or feeling like a non person. Especially when the people that are there for you claim to be there for you, but are far too self centered/wrapped up in their own lives merely pretend to care. All the while thinking, please just STFU. I know who those people are, they no longer have a welcome place in my life. I don’t keep score, but please don’t expect me to give a flying fuck about ANYTHING that goes on in your life, when you could truly care less about what goes on in mine. I believe in equality, and treating people the same way that they treat me. So if you take me for granted/walk all over me I will do the same be the bigger person and walk away.
Most of the time.
Sometimes I can’t.
Because Karma’s a bitch and sometimes her name is Steph.
That’ll learn ya now won’t it.
Anyway, moving along!
I completed my OSIS (Online Suicide Intervention Specialist) training at the end of November. All through my professor droning on and on (Christ he’s such a pompous ass!) and playing solitaire all the while. Because let’s face it, it’s about as dry as dinosaur remains and I needed something to keep me awake visually stimulated that wouldn’t outwardly distract me from what I was doing. Occasionally I would glance up and would look at Jason’s picture. Just a friendly painful reminder of why I’m doing this. I’m doing it for him, I’m doing it in the hopes that I can spare someone else the soul sucking heartache of loosing someone to suicide. It was a great reminder and then it became my downfall.
I was there, hitting the finish line. *Cue chariots of fire.* wrote my final and BAM!
I was done YAY!
I threw my head back in an attempt to stretch. Sitting on one’s ass in a computer chair for hours at a time is harder then you think. Closed my eyes and thought to myself VICTORY! I was proud, euphoric and stuff. Then I made the mistake of sitting up and opening my eyes and once again looking at Jason’s picture on my wall and that feeling of awesome immediately felt like:
Now, I know I shouldn’t. Except a small part of me wonders, if I couldn’t save him, what makes me think that I can save others? I truly have no idea, but I’ll be dammed if I don’t at least try. I’m pretty sure Julie (Jason’s mom) feels the same way. She sent me a wonderful e-mail telling me that I’m doing a great thing and I’ll help lots of people. After reading that I couldn’t help but thinking the UN-written/UN-spoken words to follow that should have been:
“Why couldn’t you help my son?”
Can’t say I blame her, because if I was her…
I’d probably feel the same way.
This is my battle to fight. One that I intend to win. I try to console myself with the thoughts that Jason’s death is not in vain. Although part of me ( a rather large one) wishes that he was still here and I was doing this because I wanted to help others. Not because I want to help others because I know firsthand how much it hurts.
Everything happens for a reason.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Most importantly I became a little more true to myself. I also attended university, wrote a book, got my armpit tattooed and several other things that I’m not going to list because I don’t like to brag/look like an over achiever because I’m not. I LIKE being humble.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I haven’t bothered with them in years.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My best friend of 25+ years had an adorable baby boy!
4. Did anyone close to you die?
5. What countries did you visit?
How about provinces? I went to Ontario for Christmas. Not a very exciting year in terms of travel.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Less drama and less BS.
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 13th: The day my foundation was actually founded
November 18th: That’s the day my book was officially introduced to the world.
November 30th: When I got my OSIS certification
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
It’s a toss up between my book, my foundation or getting my OSIS certification with a day to spare before the deadline.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not paying attention to what I was doing at work one day which could have had dire consequences which thankfully it didn’t.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I work in a daycare, illness is pretty much an everyday part of my life.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Copies of my book
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Jason’s mom Julie. My friend Heather. Two very amazing woman!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, bills and more bills!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My tattoos! lol Also having some of my awesome friends come to visit me in Montreal.
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Can’t say I have one particular song in mind.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
Although I can’t totally recall how I felt this time last year I know due to circumstances that I am mostly happier, thinner and hands down a whole lot more poor too lol.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Made more time for myself.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
stretching myself too thin.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
I was in Ontario with my immediate family and it was awesome! I had an exceptional Christmas this year!
21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Possibly, still UN-decided on that
22. What was your favorite TV program?
I don’t watch TV
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
24. What was the best book you read?
I read so many good ones!
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Haven’t made any of those…
26. What did you want and get?
My 1/4 sleeve turned into a half sleeve, the jacket I’ve been drooling over at Danier woo hoo! Also my book to be published and my foundation started.
27. What did you want and not get?
Piece of mind from certain people, to be heard. I know a lot of self centered people who really could care less about what goes on in my life, unless of course it has something to do with *them*
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Didn’t see enough movies to even garner a proper response for that one.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 32… Went out and had a simple, yet fun evening!
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not being in debt and being back in school already!
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
ha ha this year was a bit of a transformation of sorts. I’ve always been a jeans/t-shirt/hoodie girl. I still am but I have gotten more “girly” attire and started wearing heels! That’s a little crazy in itself!
32. What kept you sane?
Some of my friends, I honestly don’t know what I would have done without them this year! I am so very fortunate to have such amazing people in my life!
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
That’s not my style, I could care less about that sort of thing.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The BP oil spill
35. Who did you miss?
Jason, my mom
36. Who was the best new person you met?
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
You don’t know how strong you are until being strong is the only option that you have left.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I’ve had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn’t do