Strange how those two relate.  At least in my life.  I had a conversation with someone once about how they admired me for being so determined and not letting anything stand in the way of my dreams/goals/aspirations regardless of how UN-achievable they may seem.  I’ve heard this a few times and I usually disregard it thinking that anyone can do whatever it is that I do that seems to leave people so awestruck.  Really.  You just have to put your mind to it and have a ton of demons from your past chasing you. the want to do something for the greater good, no matter how minor it may seem.

Or so I keep telling myself.

I’m almost fascinated by the way people view me.  Because 95%  of what I “allow” people to see is fake.  I don’t mean fake in a superficial kind of way, I mean fake in a “fake it til you make it” kind of fake.  Because I don’t believe most of it.  I also know anyone who’s reading this and has met me in real life thinks that I’m full of it.

In reality, I’m just that good at it.  As in faking it.

I have my reasons for this, most of which I don’t willingly share with the world at large.  Mostly because I don’t really care to be a drama Queen, that’s not my style.  Nor am I an attention whore.  I am also sure as hell not one of those over achiever types either.  I don’t actively seek out sympathy, although sometimes empathy is nice.  I’m not the type of person who whores themselves out to social networking sites (IE twitter/facebook) because I need/want/crave these things.  I fucking despise people who update their statues to something that really should say one of the following:

OMGWTFBBQ MY LIFE IS OVER! OVER I TELL YOU *CRIES*

NO ONE LOVES ME, I’M LONELY, OMFG LOOK AT WHAT I DID, I’M SO AWESOME LULZ!

Which to me screams one of the following:

• I’m a pathetic looser who needs to reaffirmed time and time again (preferably 10x’s a day) that someone loves me and I want everyone and their mother to see it too!
• I need to brag about every single achievement I have ever accomplished because I have no self esteem and I need everyone to comment on what a great job I did and while I’m at it, make everyone around me feel inferior/jealous/like shit or something.

I could totally go on, but I won’t.  Now that’s not to say that some people I know are legit and really did do something fantastic and totally have bragging rights.  Although I am sure that there is at least one person in everyone’s circle of friends who is like that to some degree.

I’m also sure that you really want to punch that person in the face too.

Even I have my moments where I can be a total dick and say stuff like “I can top that”.  It wasn’t until someone said to me once: “Steph, does everything have to be a competition?” that I clued in just how much I was like my ex-husband in that regard and how truly irritating it really is.  I also realized that while I do work in a very ego driven industry, my ego is the result of over compensating to the fullest.  Because in reality, I’m not an egotistical person, I’m actually quite humble.  I’m also really shy (hard to believe but it really is true) and the only time I feel the need to mention anything that I have done is because *I* can’t wrap my head around the fact that I actually did it.

I’ve done a lot with my life.  Especially lately.  While I’m somewhat  meh about the whole thing now that they’re said and done, it’s also dawned on me that I could have and most likely did make quite a few people feel inferior along the way.  I know I’ve made quite a few people stop and stare.  Which in turn makes me feel bad.  I know that it shouldn’t to a degree.  Although people who are successful, especially women from what I have noticed tend to intimidate people, especially men.  While I freely admit and several other people say that I don’t give myself enough credit, because I don’t.  I wonder if people know the real reason, the true driving force behind why I do what I do?

I blame Garnet.  Garnet who trashed my self esteem and my self worth (among other things) 2 demons that I still (sadly) to this day go to battle with far more then I care to admit.  When you get told constantly for years that you’ll never amount up to anything, you’ll never be anything you start to believe it.  I’ve taken a long hard look at myself as of late and have pretty much come to the conclusion that I’m driven to succeed for all the wrong reasons.  I tell people it’s because I can, and that is partially true; it’s more so because I need something to believe in.

That something would be me.

I’m notorious for saying that a million people in this world could believe in you and it doesn’t mean a damn thing unless you believe in yourself.  I say this often I think in the subconscious hope that I’ll start to believe it myself.

I’m not putting myself out there and baring my soul because I *need* people to say that I’m whatever.  *I* know what I’ve done, I know what I’ve accomplished and blah blah blah.    Because at the end of the day, no matter what I do I’m still me.  I’m nothing special, I’m just Steph.  A person who prefers to be humble, detests drama in spite of how much of that shit has infected my life as of late.  I’m also someone in dire need of a nap…  The one thing that stuck out of my brief stint in university was this acronym: HALT as in :Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.  Commonly used in AA, it also has a major effect on depression and one’s general well being.  The only thing that applies to me at the moment is the “T”

When I’m tired, which lately seems like All. The. Time.  I’m impossible to deal with, hell I can’t stand myself.  I’m irrational, irritable and surprised that people can even stand me when I can’t stand myself.

Because come on, who doesn’t like a neurotic bitch?

Everything seems 100x’s worse when you’re (in my case at least) tired.  Then I go off on a tangent and am generally not a happy person.  Then all I want to do is bitch.  In other words, I really just want someone to listen.  Sometimes hugs are nice too.

I’m not seeking advice, not looking to get someone sucked into my drama or anything like that.  There’s something to be said about being heard, the beautiful thing about having someone listen without preamble, or interjecting with UN-welcome comments like:”I’m sure it’s not as bad as your making it out to be” and things like that.  Because really, how would you know?  The one thing I learned in my course was, for example someone loosing their job could be as tragic as someone else loosing their child.  So if they were to seek out help from me, regardless of how minor it my seem to me (or anyone else) it could be a really big freaking deal to them.

So yes, while I can be vague at times, that’s generally a huge reason why.  I’m not one to turn up the drama.  When everything feels like a total train wreck and I feel like a drama queen, that makes me get even more bent out of shape.  Yet I don’t like to discuss it because I really don’t care to be disregarded.  I named my foundation:(I’m) Not Afraid Of Your Pain for a reason and when someone says to me “Steph, I’m not afraid of your pain” and says something like that to me (as in I’m sure it’s not as bad as your making it out to be); I’m not all the inclined to “open up” to them about anything.  Because while in the grand scheme of things it’s more manageable in their eyes then it is in my own, when you’re tired and cranky you have a really hard time looking at the bright side of things.  Let alone being all zen like or optimistic.

So vagueness is almost like my second defensive mechanism these days.  I’d rather keep my thoughts to myself regardless of how bad they can get at times then to be written off as a drama queen.  Not only that, some things are best to be discussed in a certain manner. I hate waiting/not knowing as much as the next person.  However, sometimes, especially through UN-conventional means such as text messages/e-mail situations can become horribly misconstrued and that in turn can make the situation worse.  Especially when you think it’s one of the few rare people in your life that you actually thought gave a damn.

Until you find out differently.

Then you have the audacity to wonder why I’m vague?  Humble?

Please do yourself a favor and look in the mirror.

OK that’s a tad harsh on one level.  Although sometimes I would love to say that to some people.  I don’t, because I’m polite most of the time.

Anyway the bottom line is this: I will always be surprised by how some people manage to suck at everything they do and seem to be born to lose. And by how other people, perfectly normal individuals, manage to always land on their feet and be perpetual winners, against their own limits and against any enemy.
We are the ones who set most of our limits, and we are the only ones who can push them and break them!

So that being said, that’s why I’m humble.  I don’t need to brag about my achievements in order to feel good about myself.  I hate being the center of attention and while yes I have accomplished a lot has anyone noticed that it hasn’t exactly gone anywhere?  The novelty tends to wear off and then something happens like I get bored or my life circumstances change.  I’ve started a lot of things and abandoned them or just let them slide.

It’s not as if I’m successful, I’m not rich, nor famous.  I’m just a girl who’s always been different and knows the harsh reality of being different and just trying to figure out exactly where I belong.

Because honestly…

I’m not sure.