I’m sick. Sick as in I want to crawl into bed and stay there because my head is so fucking congested right now and the back of my throat is so seriously itchy I am thinking about sticking a fork down my throat so I can scratch it.  Thankfully I could in fact do that, I have no gag reflex. At least not in the traditional sense.

That however is a story best saved for another day.

How did I get sick? My little ‘boyfriend’ (AKA favorite baby at work, not my actual boyfriend) KG sneezed. In. My. Mouth.  Last week he was all sick and cranky and he just loves me so of course I pick him up and try to comfort him and that was the thanks I got in return.  I’ve been fighting it all week, but of course today it hits me like a fucking Mac truck and I feel like ass.

Magical!

So anyway, today being good Friday and all, work was a lot more lax.  So much in fact that I didn’t have much to do and left before 2pm. That almost never happens as while handy, that’s going to hurt come payday…  Anyway instead of doing something useful like cleaning my office or working on my new cake website because that just takes far too much effort… So I come on here to bitch and whine about being sick and other random nonsense that spews forth in my mind.

So today, I stumbled upon the following (in no particular order):

• Christians NAILED to crosses in gruesome Good Friday re-enactment of Jesus’s death in the Philippines Seriously? WTF is wrong with you people! Granted my thoughts on religion, particularly the Catholic edition aren’t exactly a secret. As a member of the modification community, it’s not so much the act of what they’re doing that appalls me the most per se, it’s more so the conditions under which these acts are preformed.  Sterilization, or lack thereof, internal injuries and a bunch of other stuff that makes me shudder inwardly.  Also it’s 2012, there’s a thing on the market called no more nails!

• 

 

 

I love Cracked.com it amuses me generally speaking. Some of their posts are full of suck but some are just too ‘priceless’ to be ignored.  Especially when they start hating on Cosmo and their get revenge on cheaters article.

• Such as:  7 pieces of psychotic advice from cosmo.  I’d like to get in touch with some of cosmos so called ‘experts’ on body language.  While some of these things aren’t exactly statistically inaccurate and are common occurrences to some degree when it comes to cheating/lying and guys otherwise being total scumbags; it doesn’t mean that it applies to all men, all the time either.  Aside from the fact that statistics are also horribly inaccurate.   I know that some of you are reading this thinking ‘Duh Steph, we already know this’ do bear in mind that common sense is anything BUT common… So I feel bad for the poor hapless bastard that’s stuck with the girlfriend who takes everything cosmo has to say to heart and ends up with a penis drawn on his face with a sharpie…
• Also 7 sex tips from cosmo that will put you in the hospital. Now I’m reading this and alternating between laughing and thinking about what would happen if *I* was to pull some of those stunts.  Depending on the circumstances, I tend to forget just how strong I really am, physically speaking.  So generally I ‘tone’ it done a tad, unless requested to do otherwise when playing with genitals that aren’t mine…
• Also from cracked on a related note: 7 Kama Sutra sex tips that will put you in the hospital  number 5 amuses me and I am willing to bet that there’s some fool out there dumb enough to try such a stupid thing!
• On a final note as far as sex is concerned via cracked: 9 Awesome places to have sex and the horrific consequences.  This article made me laugh, mostly because I’ve had sex in a few of these places…  Done the whole beach thing, eons ago.  Pool? Check. Mind you it was privately owned, not a public one.  Car? Yep. Not a moving one mind you but in one, on one during a thunderstorm while on acid. It. Was. Awesome.  Woods? Done that too! Granted I doubt that the woods in Guelph are full of bears. Mind you there was a ton of bark and dirt in places it shouldn’t have been.  You know what they missed though? Having sex in a church, behind the alter during your friends wedding reception. (See I told you I was already going to hell)

Another random yet bullshit discovery…  3 ways to make him fall for you.  WTF? I barely glanced at it, but since I’m going to talk smack about it, I suppose I should actually read it. Makes me even more nauseous…  So go read it, it’s brief and my responses to said ‘tips’ will make a lot more sense.

Tip#1: Don’t give a man more than he gives you. OK first of all, I don’t ask for more than I’m willing to give in terms of an actual relationship. I am however a generous person overall most of the time and I know guys have their pride and blah fucking blah. I am however all for equality and taking care of myself. Don’t pay for a date? WTF is that all about? No one I know is rich for one thing and while it’s always a nice gesture to offer to pay for said date, I prefer for pay my own way.  Dinner at my house? I’m a Chef FFS, it’s against the rules and everything I stand for to let anyone starve and guys make the most amazing guinea pigs ever!

 Tip #2: Don’t give away exclusivity if he hasn’t yet committed. OK I ‘get’ it, but in the same token my mom raised me not to be a whore.  Chances are if I’m dating you or somehow involved with you I’m likely having sex with you (maybe). If i’m not well that changes everything.  Going out on a few dates and fucking someone are two different things.  I don’t sleep around because as I have said countless times before: if something was to happen to me IE: I end up pregnant or worse with an STD, I want to know exactly whose balls I will be stapling to the wall.  So I will say that I’m pretty exclusive in ‘that’ way at the very least.

Tip #3: Don’t plan dates. OK what?  First of all, no one that I get involved with is entirely clueless…  I don’t function well with stupid period. *If* I was planning on going out with someone, chances are I would ask that person what they felt like doing. Again, I’m all about equality and all that.  So called control should be balanced in some degree or another. I feel that it should be decided upon both parties what they feel like doing.  Because chances are he’ll suffer through something that you like and he can’t stand and it doesn’t kill you to respond in kind…

That’s my 89 cents for the day!