Reasons why I most likely won’t date you.

Also? I hate my phone. A lot. Smart phone my ass. Sometimes it sends e-mails, usually it chooses not to. Although on the rare occasion that it does, it usually cuts it off at some point. Which is irritating as fuck because sending e-mail via this phone is already enough of a pain in the ass! -End phone rant.

Anyway, someone had commented that I hadn’t posted any bad dates as of late. The reason behind that would be this: I haven’t been on any dates of late. Good, bad or otherwise. Things are finally kinda quiet in my life and well needless to say, I’m enjoying the ‘me’ time that comes along with it.  Aside from the fact that I’ve been deathly ill and have decided to keep my germs to myself for the most part.  I’m also really, really picky about who I choose to spend my time with.  With the sheer number of douchebags out there, who can blame me?  That being said, here’s my (on going) list of things that will make me likely say no to you if you ask me out on a date:

  • You feel compelled to show me your 6-8 pack.  Unless it’s beer or some other tasty beverage, I really don’t give a shit about how ripped your core is. Really, I don’t.
  • You send me pictures of your naughty bits.  *IF* I wanted to see that, I would make it happen. If for some reason you truly feel that this is necessary, even if I don’t, make it a good one.  Likely won’t change my mind in any way, shape or form; however make my free eye candy worth it and hope that I don’t have some underground porn site.
  • You wear more make up than I do. I’m all for being who you are and all that, I just fail to see the attraction to eye liner.
  • You’re high maintenance. Guys complain that it takes woman eons to get ready. I dated a guy once who took twice as long to get ready. Yes really.
  • You feel compelled to wear your pants hanging halfway off your ass. IT’S NOT ATTRACTIVE!   AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT! 
  • Pointy shoes. I just can’t deal with this horrendous trend in shoes. As soon as I see them, I feel the need to put bells on them and throw you in a parade with the shriners.
  • You live at home. I’m almost 34, if you’re still living at home, you’re too young for me. Or you’re a mamma’s boy and I can’t handle that either.
  • You go out of your way to tell me how much money you make or the kind of car you drive. I. Don’t. Care.
  • You play the oral sex card.  Just because guys claim that they’re hurting for oral sex doesn’t mean that we are. Talk is cheap and unless you’re so damn good that it’s mind blowing,  would make me hit the ceiling good and can prove it; shut it. Don’t sing it, bring it.
  • You can’t spell or type like a lazy ass fool. I’m very well read, nothing irks me more than someone who can’t spell or can’t be bothered to spell out the entire word. It’s lazy and too much like elementary school. Grow up.
  • You lack intellect. I shouldn’t have to explain that.
  • You can’t hold a conversation. Communication is important.
  • You’re an idiot. I’m smart. Book/life/street smart. You should be too on some level or another. Otherwise the likely hood of us having any type of connection is highly improbable. I don’t care if I sound like a snob, intelligence is hot.
  • You’re considerably shorter than I am.  I’m almost 6 feet tall, I’m also not a jungle gym.
  • You’re in a relationship. I don’t care if your wife/girlfriend/significant other isn’t doing it for you.  Find a fuck friend or five to meet your needs. I don’t share, nor do I tolerate cheating.
  • Don’t have a sense of humor. I don’t deal with people who are uptight.
  • Feel the need to text/email/phone me several times a day for no reason at all. It’s irritating.
  • Have zero respect for my independence. I take care of me. Deal with it.
  • Have mommy issues. Freud just may have been onto something…
  • You tell me that you want to lick all of my tattoos. No. Just no.
  • You feel the need to pee on me. I have indoor plumbing. Please, feel free to use it.
  • You masturbate in my bathroom. Yes it’s happened before. How did I find out? They missed. I have a black shower curtain. Do the math.
  • You want kids. I don’t. That’s an immediate deal breaker right there.

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