It’s my birthday and i’ll cry if I want to.

My birthday sucked this year. There, I said it.

While I had numerous well wishes that day from people I love and adore, all of them wishing me the best day ever, something I myself do when I wish someone a happy birthday; it was anything but.

I look at a persons birthday as the one day where they have carte blanche to be as self indulgent as they want. After all, it’s the day you were born and that’s pretty special.

This year was different. It’s been a full year since I lost my dad. Fathers day is also right around the corner, it follows the Sunday after my birthday. It’s been hitting me extra hard this year.

Because I actually feel it.

Things are different when you’re lost in the cluster-fuck of funerals, asshole family members, memorial services and countless other things.

So I cried. I was walking to the metro after a particularly trying day at work and I just couldn’t keep it together, so I stopped trying.

The worst part of my birthday this year though?

Orlando.

I was kind of in the dark about it because we had gotten up early and headed off to my favorite place for brunch-something I am always down for.

When I finally caught up with the news, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I’m a straight ally, which means something and nothing at the same time. Something because the majority of the world *is* heterosexual and we have the power to collectively change things. Nothing because I don’t understand. I am blissfully ignorant (okay maybe not blissful but ignorant none the less) about what it’s like to be anything but a hetero/cis female.

I know how crippling hate can be. I have been tormented and bullied, judged and more by society for a number of reasons. Yet none of them were a result of my sexual preferences.

Some of the most awesome people I know are everything but straight. Their sexual identify means nothing to me, I love them anyway and that’s why this hurts me to the very core.

I know all too well what it’s like to loose someone you love. I’ve said goodbye to far too many people who mean something to me including friends who were much too young. To loose someone you love to hate?

Nope.

I still can’t fathom these senseless deaths and I can’t help but think about all the what if’s? What if that was one of my friends who are basically family to me? What if someone totally lost their shit because they were gay/trans? I’m still having a hard time trying to put my feelings into perspective but I can and will say this; you’re all so brave and I admire you so much.  After the Orlando shooting so many of my friends came forth and opened up to the entire world who they truly are. I love them and admire them even more.

In a world full of hate, love needs to win. 

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