I got a text from Jen this morning asking me to go to the tattoo convention (which I had forgotten ALL about) but after reading yet another follow up on Jason’s death in the news with some rather gruesome details I really wasn’t feeling up to going.  Yet Jen was insistent that I don’t stay at home & grieve like I wanted to today and go out and have some fun which I did and I am pretty glad that I didn’t stay at home & cry and freak out.  You know l I wanted to *cough cough* thanks for “ruing that Jen” lol *cough*.  Generally I’m usually the  tough girl who hides behind her feelings and its rare for me to let them out.  However I can tell you one thing that I am so eternally grateful that I have the friends that I do have and the awesome support they’ve given me.  I’ve had countless people die in my life, it happens.  This isn’t my first suicide related death that I’ve had to deal with either but this one was the closest to home for me and I’m still numb from the shock of it all.

Jason’s death rocked me to the very core of a soul that I didn’t even know that I had.  It still hurts, and I won’t go on pretending it doesn’t.  It still seems surreal to me that I won’t ever hear from him again.  I thought of him today when I was at the convention and how he always wanted to get another tattoo.  So I talked to my ex today who’s apprenticing to tattoo and he’s going to do a small memorial piece for me after Christmas when the shop isn’t so busy.  Jason couldn’t afford to get a new tattoo, so this one will be for him in his honor.  His death has taught me that life is short and sometimes goes by too fast even if he was the one who decided to cut it short.  Needless to say I am now counting my blessings a little more then I used to.

I shunned the convention for a few years now mostly because it was the same old, same old. However this year was MUCH better then the previous one’s I’ve attended and I’m glad that I went we had a lot of fun!  Jen nabbed all kinds of goodies for herself, Clint got a new tattoo, I nabbed a ton of tattoo convention swag for Ania, I treated myself to a really amazing poster that I need to have framed & had an awesome and exceptionally entertaining dinner.  Dinner was entertaining because as we were sitting on the terrace which overlooked the space between Windsor station where the convention was being held and the bell center where the killers were playing tonight so there was a huge crowd outside between the 2 events and all of a sudden I see numerous people pointing up to the Marriott hotel and at first I didn’t know what everyone was pointing at until I noticed a couple in the window giving us a free show.  I don’t think they realized how many people were paying attention to them until they looked out the window where at least 500 people started cheering and waving lol.

All in all, was a really good day!  Spent money that I shouldn’t have, but I rarely go to the conventions and fuck it, you only live once!  During my time at the convention, I got a phone call from someone that I haven’t heard from in ages so we made plans to hang out after I got home.  I won’t divulge all the details but needless to say it was good to see him because of an incident that had occured 2 years ago and I was itching to call him on it.  Which I did of course!  It was nice to see him, somewhat reminiscent of high school to some degree but all in all the entire day was a welcome distraction.   Good times, with even better friends 🙂

Some people have asked what will happen to the business but I want to make one thing clear: Yes Jason *was* my business partner but first and foremost he was a dear friend.  Our friendship developed quite the bond over time and while I need time to heal this gaping wound of hurt that I have, the show must go on.  Jason would have wanted it that way.  I’m trying to come up with the funding to reinstate his now suspended dream host account (which I always had access to).  That’s where IAM2 was hosted and several other sites as well so I would at least like to get the source codes so I can move it to my domain and try to keep his memory alive in some form or another.   As far as Modology is concerned, even though Jason is no longer with us;  he will still be listed as staff.  Any money he would have made through our business venture will be put into a fund and donated to various charities that deal with suicide prevention and awareness.

Eventually I would like to start the Jason Cartwright memorial fund in his honor as a non profit organization.  Looking back I knew, the signs were there and while I did my best to rally behind him and be there I think that it was just too much for him to take.  I’m 99.9% certain that the whole incident with Rachel fucking him over at his job at BME the way that she did was the proverbial straw.  Had it not been her it would have most likely been someone else of course.  I acknowledge that for what it is, I will however forever blame her for his un-timely demise.  As far as I’m concerned, even though she wasn’t there; she was the driving force behind him pulling the trigger.

Perhaps I just need someone to blame amongst the grief/anger/sadness/hurt I feel at the moment.  Maybe not, but I knew him better then most which is sad.  I have a ton of people to rally behind me when things get tough and for the first time I let them “shoulder” the burden of grief with me and I’m glad I did.  Sometimes one needs to break down their barriers and let some people in, or at the very least; build a few windows.

I’m looking forward to later to day where I’m visiting the botanical gardens with Jackie so that should be a lot of fun.  Haven’t been there yet strangely enough!  So there’s going to be a ton of pictures to upload when I get home.  I took lots at the convention today and I’m not going to bother uploading any of them until I get back from the botanical gardens.