I read in a book once if you wanted to “forgive” someone who had passed on to write a letter to them which of obvious reasons you can’t send to at them.  Its not so much that I don’t forgive you; I just have a lot to say I guess.  My guilty conscious eating away at me for all those e-mails I never sent to you when you were actually alive to read them.  I could make these posts private as you know I’m not one to publicly broadcast my pain I choose not to for a few reasons.  Not because I want anyone’s pity, but maybe this will help someone.  Besides its my blog, my domain, my rules! lol

It still hasn’t sunk in yet which is normal I suppose, its only been 4.5 days.  I just keep hoping that this is just a horrendous nightmare that I will wake up from and I will come home from work to find an e-mail from you telling me that your alive and well like you did the last time you ran off on me.  I’m kicking myself in the ass in a way.  I knew, I had this feeling and after reading those last e-mails we shared the signs were all there.  I know you can’t help someone who won’t/can’t help themselves.  Perhaps you didn’t want to, maybe you were too fucking proud to take my suggestion to determine if you were really bi-polar since you told me you were suffering from depression/anxiety.

Its a damn good thing you changed the IAM2 dev forums to my server because I didn’t have an e-mail address handy for James in my contact list.  We hadn’t spoken in a while, because we’re all so insanely busy.  I’m just glad that in spite of that fact that it was your death that brought us back together so to speak that he heard it from me.  Unlike myself who 1st heard about it via facebook but was too dense to clue in (sorry Carly) and then for some unforeseen reason I went onto Shannon’s blog and read the news there.   Shannon of course being ever so tactful didn’t say why but deep down I knew.  So I emailed him and me not being patient what so ever googled Carlsbad area newspapers and there you were.  The latest breaking news story for all the world to see.
I didn’t want to believe that it was you although they said your name.  I shouldn’t have read those news reports, especially after the fact.  I really didn’t need to hear about what happened to your lovely face and your brilliant mind.
I cry a little less now, although sometimes its still hard.  Like when I was talking to Daniel, I couldn’t help it when I talked to my mom and James being sweet gave me his number and I honestly can’t bear to call him at the moment.

I wish that you were still here.  I missed you before and even more so now.  I was ever so hopeful that things would work out and we would rock out our projects and then you could say:” Nothing tastes better then the embarrassment of those sure that you would fail” (Marilyn Manson).  Since you can’t I sure as hell can try!  I spoke to Daniel today, we both agreed that you can’t EVER be replaced but in the same token I still need a “business” partner in some form or another.  Even just to take care of things if I get sick, or go on vacation and he accepted.  Fuck!  Sorry man, sometimes I have bursts of anger…  Modology will go on and eventually somehow, someway so will I but my life and our pet project will never be the same without you.  At first I was going to say the hell with it, it wouldn’t be the same without you.  However James saying that we needed to round up the funds to pull the dreamhost account back into good standing so your legacy could continue so I decided against ditching it.  I will do my damnedest to move it all over to my server, its all I have left of you and I refuse to let it go.

People of course are talking a ton of shit and it pains me to read things like this and even this, you know why it hurts me in one way and its totally BOGUS bullshit in the other way.  In the same token however there’s been a HUGE outpouring of support and people have been saying some really nice things about you.  One comment was especially nice:

I hope no one minds me posting a poem I found a while ago.

A Memory Hug Author Unknown

Your loss has left a hole in your heart.
That never goes away…
you learn to live with it.
With acceptance of the loss and
changes in your life, the pain lessens.
Eventually memories fill up the space,
but it never goes away.
Then, when you least expect it,
a memory spills out of the hole
in your heart and washes
you clean again with tears.
Think of it as a Memory Hug

This poem helps me in some ways about the three members of my family I lost in 2008. I hope it helps those who knew Jason too.”

At times like these I truly wish that there is life after death, because after I’m done screaming at you for hurting me and countless others like this for doing what you did to yourself; then I can tell you I love you at least one more time because I do.  You were one of the sweetest guys I know and your my everything.   I’m suffering from tattoo fever again and since I know you wanted another tattoo for the longest time I’ll be getting one on your behalf.  Not quite sure what you had in mind so I’m actually getting two, one for you and one on your behalf to remind me that life is precious.   I hope your resting well dear friend, I miss you.

Love Steph

Lyrics to How To Save A Life :
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life