Dear Jason

Have  I mentioned lately that you suck?  Because you do!  Its been a month and that horrible pain that I felt is still very much in existence, I just for the most part keep it to myself.   Its been a month since I came home and read the news and sat here screaming and crying for hours on end.  I’m pretty sure the people upstairs thought that I was being beaten to death or some other horrible instance such as it was, but no that was my heart being torn into a million tiny shards…

I gave up trying to figure out why, granted I’m still in shock.  I know your dead and gone its just as if a part of my mind refuses to accept it for what it is.  Screw the 7 stages of grief your death has rocked me to the very core of a soul that I didn’t even know that I had.  I broke the news to James, and finally got around to calling him earlier in the week.  I put it off because I knew that would just bring back the hurt all over again and sure enough hard as I tried not to cry I did.  Much like I am now, maybe someday it will stop but I doubt it.  I think he’s pretty much the only one who knew you the same way that I did and could truly appreciate just how awesome you are.  He’s also in universal agreement with me about how utterly gross what she did was.  He was pretty great in spite of the fact that it was after midnight when I called him, little did I know he’s 6 hours ahead of me.  Videotron must LOVE me seeing as how I’ve been racking up my phone bill with these awesome overseas phone calls.

Put the site on hold, can’t bring myself to do any real work on it.  Reminds me too much of you and it hurts too damn much!  I have a pretty high tolerance for physical pain but this, yeah I can’t handle this very much…  My friends have been wonderful, dragging me all over the place and providing a nice distraction but at the end of the day your still gone and there’s not a damn thing I can do to change that.  Like I said to James, we tend to take for granted that our friends are going to be around a lot longer.  The guilt for the most part has abated but I’m not 100% certain it will ever go away.  Mostly because you told me that in spite of the fact that you find so little to live for, that I was great and hearing from me always made your day.

Except that I got all hardcore caught up in my life and never did send you that e-mail to tell you that I was in fact OK and that abnormality that they found turned out to be nothing major that I can’t personally handle.  I also remember the time you asked me what it was like to be 30 and me telling you that the first 6 months were the best 6 months ever except you’ll never get to experience that.  You know though one piece of advice you gave me has stuck with me and it was what you had said that finally made up my mind in the end.  You couldn’t have been more right on that note.  I wish you were still around so we could talk about that stuff, you were the only one I had that I could speak that freely with…

They say time heals everything but I don’t think that time will ever heal this or erase this.  I know eventually I’ll learn to cope as you know that I will but I’ll tell you that time can’t come fast enough!  Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and I miss you so much its unreal!  I scroll through my bookmarks and your blog is still there, even though you got rid of the domain I can’t bring myself to erase that link.  Same thing with your phone number that’s stashed in my cell phone.  I miss actually physically talking to you, hearing you laugh…

I’m able to sleep now for the most part, the first few weeks after you died, especially the first few days sleep was a luxury that  I simply couldn’t obtain.  Oddly enough I had a dream about you the other night, I was staring at your memorial page when someone’s voice crept up behind me and scared the crap outta me!  I’m going to call Gil soon to make that tattoo appointment for your memorial tattoo.  Jeff is also going to be tattooing me in the new year which will be  a secondary memorial tattoo for you; since the first one I thought about before hand because it coincides with the memorial tattoos I have on my chest already.  Tattoos/pain really do solve everything…  Or at least that’s what us tattooed people try to convince ourselves that it does.  So the first one will be on my chest and Jeff will be tattooing a piece on my ribs.  Apparently that’s the most painful place to get tattooed but I need it to hurt because then maybe I can channel the pain of loosing you into the pain of the tattoo that I’m about to get and maybe then I’ll start to heal.

I’m really starting to hate my job…  I need a career change and I need one BADLY!  I really truly hope that your faith in modology rings true because as much as I love being a Chef its time for a change!  I just wish you were here to see it unfold and prevail and maybe become the next best thing.  So if that’s the case then once I start up your memorial fund your profit margin as previously agreed upon will be donated to that cause.  I refuse to let your legacy die!

I miss you so much it hurts…  I wish you were here because I need you, not for work related purposes but to just be there like the awesome friend you always were.  James agreed to come on board, thank God!  He also understands all too well that I just can’t work on it right now.  He’s coping as am I but were both still reeling from the loss…  Like I’ve said countless times, I really hope there IS life after death because I’ll kill you all over again!  Like James said, heaven help you when I arrive 😉

I just hope in the end when you left that you knew that there was at least one person in this world who adored you and loved you so very much! <3

Grief is like the ocean, it’s deep and dark and bigger than all of us.  Pain is like a thief in the night: quiet, persistent, unfair; diminished by time, faith, and love.

3 thoughts on “Dear Jason

  1. avatar The Gay superHERO says:

    Babe… 🙁
    I wish I could take your hurt away… It kills me to read these things since your usually so closed up about how you feel, especially when your in an exceptional amount of pain such as this.
    I’m happy to see that your “letting it out” of course, its just so totally out of character for you to be so public about it. That’s pretty brave of you Steph.
    I wish I was there to help you through this <3 *hugs*
    P

    • avatar Steph says:

      Well truthfully some days are a lot harder then others. I know I usually don’t broadcast such things but fuck it, its my blog and I like everyone else have feelings. Most of which I tend to keep to myself but I think in the matter of being able to deal with it, this has become my outlet. In a strange way for the most part it does help.
      I can’t wait for you to come visit again! Except this time, were not ordering pizza 😉

  2. avatar The Gay superHERO says:

    PS: I think he knew how much you cared hun, but I also think that he knows how strong you are and that someday you’ll be able to cope…

    I also hope that there’s life after death, so that we can all be together again 🙂

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