They say that imitation is the most sincerest form of flattery, which is a phrase that tends to come to mind when I get a memorial tattoo.  For me tattoos are like therapy, its something beautiful to look at in spite of the pain you may experience and something that you can cherish all the days when your loved one is gone.  In some cases it can also bring some much needed closure when you can’t find it anywhere else.

On September 3rd 2009 I got some of the most tragic news I had ever experienced in my entire life.  Jason Cartwright who was my dear friend, confidant and business partner had passed away in the wee hours of the morning.  The shock and the pain of getting that news was the metaphorical equivalent to that of being hit by a mac truck.  I screamed, I yelled and I cried what felt like a river of tears.  I haven’t been the same since that day, nor do I ever expect to be again.  Oddly enough it was a love of modifications that brought Jason and I together.  Jason mentioned on a few occasions that he wanted to get another tattoo and commented that he would love if I designed one for him.  I’m pretty sure that what I have, wasn’t what he himself had in mind.  I can certainly say that its not what I had in mind in the first place, as I would very much prefer to have designed a tattoo for him to wear as opposed to myself.

I still have a ton of questions that I know will never have any answers.  I never did blame myself for what he did, I did however become so consumed with quilt over his death that I was afraid it was going to swallow me whole.  Had he died as the result of some horrible disease, or an accident of some kind then maybe I could have at least come to terms with what happened.  Jason’s suicide wasn’t a total surprise but I felt as if I could have done more.  I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn’t pay nearly enough attention to what was going on around me.  I had this nagging voice in my head to e-mail him, to reach out and let him know that I was OK and more importantly to remind him that even though things weren’t that great that they would be OK sooner or later.  I kept saying to myself, tomorrow I’ll e-mail him just to let him know that I was there.  Reminds me of the Charles Hanson Towne poem: Around the corner Plenty of tomorrows came and went and I never did send that e-mail like I had intended.  Would it have made a difference? Maybe, perhaps just for a little while longer.  I’ll never truly know.  The what ifs, the maybes, the could have, should have but didn’t ran through my mind for months.  I knew I wanted to get a tattoo to represent him and how much he meant to me but it was really a matter of what.

See to me, memorial tattoos should signify the person.  A permanent representation of what they meant to you.  Problem with that was I knew Jason on a very personal, almost intimate level but in some ways I never really “knew him”, what he liked and things of that nature aside from programming.  So needless to say I was totally stuck on that one.  I had already decided on the script previously, which oddly enough I seen on the back of someone’s shirt in the metro one day.   That however was back in the summer and I had originally wanted to add that to the memorial pieces I already had on my chest.

So that of course didn’t seem 100% appropriate since the meaning was there overall but what exactly could I add to it that would make it all that much more custom.  So then came the alt code < 3 which in case you didn’t know turns into a heart.  I still however wasn’t satisfied, wasn’t quite enough to totally show what I was feeling and what I wanted it to say.  The one day out of the blue I got inspired by a text message because someone called me snowflake 😉  Which of course can be interpreted in a few ways but seeing as how I had proclaimed prior to that text that I was unique, I pretty much assumed that’s what he was talking about.   Then a half hour later it hit me, that was it!  A snowflake, the perfect thing to represent just how special and truly unique he was and snowflakes are beautiful and Jason was a beautiful person on the inside.  So then I scoured the internet looking for snowflake tattoo inspiration and was fortunate enough to come across images of real snowflakes and had seen one that was laying on a branch starting to melt with the drops of water captured on film which to me looked like tears.

So on December 28th at 3:00pm I arrived to the Exotic Skin shop to see my tattoo artist Tim Karn for my semi annual tattoo appointment.  It took a while to get the placement just so and the drawing just right but as usual he nailed it!  I ain’t going to lie, this tattoo hurt, a lot!  More then the others usual do!  Especially when he got to my collarbone region, due to the fact that my head was thrown back as far as I could manage to stretch the skin as much as possible which led to him pretty much tattooing right on it.  I couldn’t say much during the appointment due to placement causing too much vibration but I “talked” to Jason in my head (yeah I know that sounds crazy) and images of him kept flashing through my mind and at one point I felt as if a burden had been lifted.  Its rather hard to describe but its almost like a metaphorical orgasm.  For me it was pretty emotional and to my surprise I only shed one tear.  Everything just felt right after I got up and looked in the mirror at this stunning piece of art that was newly inscribed into my chest.  I knew from that moment on that everything was going to be OK*  It was the modified community that brought us together and a mutual love of modifications that will keep us together forever.  Jason may be gone from this life, but he’ll always be a part of me and while I would prefer to have him here and alive, this is the next best thing.  So Jason, this one’s for you.  I miss you!

If you love someone, tell them. Don’t be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Because when you decide that it is the right time, it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

It could make a difference. The difference between doing all that you can or having regrets which may stay with you forever.

In case anyone was wondering about the overall meaning in case I wasn’t clear: ’till death reunites us represents and encompasses all my memorial tattoos.  I’m not a very religious person but a friend said to me once” if there is life after death then he knows how much your hurting and how much you mean to him”  The greater then symbol and the 3 represent Jason’s love of programming and since it turns into a heart when using the alt code it also represents how much I loved him as a friend.  The snowflakes are rather ironic since I hate winter and anything associated with it.  They are however unique, awe inspiring, beautiful, delicate and very fragile just like the people that matter the most to us in this lifetime.  More so, that’s exactly how Jason was to me.  One is only partial because a piece of my heart will always be missing now that he is gone and the water dripping down represents tears and my hope that I won’t shed as many anymore.  I’m still here and not completely a whole person but still intact just the same.  The one that is intact represents Jason in a way, we were the dynamic duo. It also represents overall how delicate and short life truly is.

*Tattoos are not a “cure all”.  I waited until I was good and ready to get this tattoo.  So please don’t think that rushing off and getting a tattoo will make things better.  It does however for some people, in some cases allow them to find closure and maybe finally heal, even if its just a little.