Its almost 3am, insomnia seems to have me in its clutches once again.  Today yesterday has been quite the mishmash of emotions today.  I’m fed up, even so much as talking about my job is enough to make me want to tear out my hair…  You know I also hate when people assume that because I am a Chef I sit on my ass all day and watch the food network or play in my fucking kitchen.  Or when they see my tattoos, I’m automatically a Harley driving biker chick or a dominatrix WTF?  Could I be any moodier today?  Honestly?  I swear to God if you read the lyrics to Katy Perry’s hot N cold that pretty much sums up the emotional overload I had in one day.

Sunday, Sunday was to sum it up in one word: AMAZING!  So was Monday in the wee hours of the morning.  Seriously I could gush about that for hours but I won’t because I have more tact then that.  I needed it, but in the same token it might be my undoing as well…  I’ll just have to wait and see how that plays out.  In any case it was one of the best days off I’ve had in a really long time, I wish all my days rocked like that!

I miss Jason, I’m thinking this whole grief thing is still rearing its ugly head.  7 steps?  Are you kidding me?  Really?  Can we just fast-forward to the part where I’m even remotely OK coming to terms with Jason being gone? Please.  Yes I got myself a shiny new memorial tattoo and its beautiful and I love it and it has helped me to heal on a number of levels.  However at times like these, I need and want my best friend to be HERE not resting peacefully (or so I hope) wherever his poor tortured soul may be.  Yes its a selfish statement and you know what?  I don’t care because right now I feel like being a selfish girl!  I feel like I’m bouncing like a ping pong ball between steps 3 to 6…  You know kind of like beer pong, ping pong can get a tad boring.  I need to talk to him and spill my guts all over the place and have someone not judge me for feeling the way that I do…  That was the beautiful thing about him you know, that guy didn’t judge, didn’t assume, was super sweet and was there when I needed him the most.  Except for now, now he’s gone and today is one of those days where I’m finding it exceptionally hard to live without him. 🙁  Seriously, I thought I was done with this whole crying thing…  Well apparently not.

I hate my career, HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE it!  Seriously, my job has got me beyond stressed out!  I am past the point of kicking myself in the ass for waiting so damn long to get another degree in a different line of work…  I love cooking, the creative aspect of it, the props you get when people call just to comment on how awesome their meal was, the people I work with, the commentary and the inside jokes that you can only get in a pro kitchen.  Here’s what I hate in no particular order:

• The Stress…  OMFG my blood pressure goes through the roof at the mere thought of going into work now.
• The Drama, HOLY FUCK its worse then a super cheesy network soap opera except it would be called as our stomach turns.
• The pay, seriously I should have became a porn star…
• The bullshit, there’s just SO much of it!
• The hours, OK Hi I can haz a life? Please?  Oh no not in the culinary world.  NO LIFE FOR YOU!
• The thing that I hate the most? The person I have become because of it…  That’s the bottom line right there.  Its making me a very ugly person in a number of ways!

I am however looking forward to Thursday, drunken debauchery at its finest awaits!  That’s all I have to say about that right now…