Fear & loathing

no, not in Vegas.  Here in the privacy of my own home as I sit here and contemplate a few things.  The meaning of life not being one of those things.  Everyone has fears, some of them completely and utterly irrational to most people.  However if that fear resonates inside of you, its very real.  I can recall a few times from my early teenage years that the most devastating thing that could ever happen to you would be to get pregnant.  Sitting in the clinic waiting to pee in some cup because that’s the free option (those damn tests cost a fortune), in spite of the looks you know your going to get from the nurse.  The fear that courses through your veins while waiting 15 mins for the lab to process your test, praying to anyone/someone that your not going to fall prey to teenage pregnancy.  I got lucky in that regard, I never got pregnant while I was a teenager.

I’m not an irresponsible person, especially when it comes to sex.  Things happen, mistakes happen, guys pull stupid stunts like oh it broke so I took it off.  Really?  Well here’s another one, in spite of my being on the pill for what feels like forever.  Plan B is a God send for those situations, which I have thankfully only had twice in the past 31 years.  The first time I was 18, you needed a prescription from the doctor.  Christ that made me sick!  No I don’t believe that plan B is the ultimate form of birth control because its not.  However when faced with these situations its nice to have a “plan B” as opposed to waiting to see if you get your period or not.  Now in most provinces you can get it without a prescription, that’s a good thing in some regards.  Yes I guess in a way it could be a double edged sword but in the same token its less taxing on clinics and our heath care system overall.  People tend to run to a clinic or the ER for nonsense things such as a runny nose or things such as plan B.   Yes I am guilty of doing one of those things, but as a teenager/young adult I didn’t care have those options that we do now.

There’s a different level of terror that comes with sitting in your bathroom with that test in your hand watching and waiting for something to happen.  Waiting until your late for some people isn’t an option, especially if your on the pill.  Why?  Because your period isn’t real.  Which is precisely why when your on the pill you can skip those 7 day sugar pills and move onto the next pack period free.  So says my OBGYN anyway, haven’t tried that yet.  Mostly because of the whole cost thing, they’re not expensive by any means but still.  Being under QC’s health care which includes drug benefits, they only allow you to refill your script 12x through the year and my Dr. only gives me 6 months at a time.  Whereas skipping those would mean I need at least 2 extra packs a year to make up for them.

I don’t think any guy wants to hear those words:”Honey I’m pregnant & its yours” or something along those lines.  Woman all too often play that game.  Which is bullshit really if you ask me.  I said to someone not to long ago actually, if I was to get pregnant I would get an abortion so fast it would make your head spin.  That’s when they asked me if I have ever had one (no) and proceeded to tell me a few things that made me sad and almost broke my heart in a way.  Certainly shed some light on a few things that’s for sure.  Then of course there’s that incident with a friend of mine and how some crazy bitch was trying to extort money from him for an abortion that is now covered by the RAMQ and has been since 2006.  Which it was then that I actually decided to read up a little more about this.  More so to satisfy my own curiosity then anything else.  Saying one thing and doing another is a whole other story.  Then I got to thinking how grateful I was never having to have been faced with such a decision.  However contemplating what would happen should I have to make that decision.

Before people start hating on me for my thoughts and points of view, I personally believe in the right to choose OK.  That’s it.  While I respect these pro-life groups to a degree, they’re a little too radical on occasion.  Before people make that kind of judgment call, they need to look outside their own point of view and try and rationalize the circumstances behind these actions.  People are raped either by a stranger, a loved one or a parent (shudder) and I for one wouldn’t want to bring that child into this world.  That however is MY opinion, please respect that.

Why am I even talking about this?  Because I might have to contemplate that sooner as opposed to later.  It may be too soon to tell, but that niggling feeling of dread that I’ve been dealing with is coming full tilt.  As in, now it just won’t go away when I think about certain things and I always trust my instincts.  So we shall see, there’s too many symptoms that can in fact be applied to other things, however those circumstances only creeped up after the fact, not before.  Had I started working at the daycare before I did then yeah I could have passed off the brief periods of nausea (there was a gastro outbreak), had it been closer to my period I could have passed off the rest.  Meanwhile after that night I remember thinking I should go to the pharmacy and grab some plan B just in case (wasn’t due to start my pills until the next day).  Careful? Yes but not as much as I would have cared to have been.  I blew my instincts off, I should have listened to myself.

4 thoughts on “Fear & loathing

  1. avatar Carly says:

    I’m thinking about you, and hoping for the best.

  2. avatar Steph says:

    Thanks lovely! Me too… <3

  3. avatar Dominic says:

    Damn Steph…
    Good luck Bella, that’s all I have to say!

  4. avatar The Gay Superhero says:

    Good luck honey!
    <3 xoxo

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