Deep thoughts with Steph part 309

So I seen (via a friends twitter feed) a great blog post.  Now I trust Tracey’s instincts when it comes to humor, because she’s one funny lady.  So when she posted a link to this blog story I thought instead of posting some of the ones I had to share in the comments section, I thought “hey I have my own blog, so what not write my own?”  So here I are 🙂

I can relate to tampon related issues, after all I am a woman.  Yeah, yeah I know TMI, but whatever.

I have a uterus, therefore I bleed.  Deal.

Anyway, I got my period and my massive boobs early in life.  I didn’t need guidance from my mom, I read Judy Blume.  You know books like: Are you there God? It’s me Margaret.  My sister who is older then me had already started at this point (sorry Sandra) so I would just use her pads.  OMFG pads sucked balls.  Don’t give me this ultra thin non-sense, I swear to God it was like wearing a mini mattress between your legs!  Then I discovered tampons.

At first I wasn’t entirely sure what they were for, then I got a clue so I thought I would you know “practice”.  I’m pretty sure that’s how I really lost my virginity.  Well at the very least broke my hymen for real.  The whole sex thing came later, I’ll save that story for another day.  So yanking that sucker out, well sucked since I wasn’t on my actual period.  However that really isn’t the point to this post, more so in relation to other things.

Working with a bunch of women, period talk is just about damn near inevitable when you think about it.  So one of my co-workers (from my old job) shared this particular story with me  and even thinking about it now still makes me laugh to no end!   She’s from Brazil, so her first language was neither English or French (I live in Quebec so this applies).  She was in need of a pad and no one had one so another co-worker gave her a tampon.  Poor woman had no clue what it was, so said co-worker tried to explain it to her.

Except she got it wrong.  Dead wrong.

First she put it in with the wrapper still on.

Then after having some major discomfort (no doubt!) took the plastic off, but left the applicator on.

Still couldn’t figure out why it didn’t “feel” right, only to realize that no, the applicator is not meant to be “left behind”.

OK maybe some of you won’t find that funny, had to be there I guess…

On Condoms & tampons…

One day I was at Pharmaprix (or shoppers drug mart for you non QC residents) buying some personal items such as tampons and Trojan magnum condoms for an uptight friend (seriously, it really was for a friend.  All the guys I know who wear them hate buying them) anyway I am the kind of person who will not only make fun of you in the condom aisle, I’ll also buy them for you because your pansy ass is too embarrassed or whatever.

I mean seriously hello, think about how awesome that makes me look?

Anyway I get in line and this couple who was considerably younger then I was who were standing behind me snickering the whole time at my purchases.  Tampons, maybe some bikini wax and of course a box of Trojan magnums which looks like this in case you didn’t already know:Not exactly discreet if you know what I mean.  So anyway I glanced back behind me and the guy who was snickering and pointing at my crap on the counter was Asian of some sort. (beware slightly racist comment to follow)  It’s a well know stereotype that Asian guys aren’t “well endowed” now I don’t know this to be fact of course.  After all it IS just a stereotype right?  So forgive me if that just offended anyone.  Anyway moving along…

I glanced behind me once again, looked the guy straight in the eye and said what?  Are you jealous?

Well, the look on his face was PRICELESS!  So was the Cashiers, she was laughing so hard!

That snotty brat had nothing to say about that 😉

On Condoms and tampons:

Eons ago (I was maybe 15 or 16 at the time) you know back in the dark ages.  I had a bet with my then boyfriend that he wouldn’t have the balls to buy me tampons.  To which he retorted “Well IF I buy you tampons, then you have to buy the condoms!” I accepted this challenge and living in a smaller city, our shoppers drug mart wasn’t that big so the tampons and condoms were in the same aisle/area.  I gave him what I wanted and grabbed the box of condoms and we were both off and running to the cashier looking rather triumphant that we had both completed this task.  Of course the cashier looked at us like we were on crack but looking back on it, it was pretty damn funny!

Dollar store vibrators:

Yesterday I was out with my friend “LA” and she was in need of a few items for her hot date and I was just browsing.  I do love the dollar store and I have always maintained that you can find anything there.  So while in the aisle that has your usual assortment of “Health & Beauty” products I spotted a “personal, hand held back massager” that  looks similar to this (for the sake of argument):

So I jokingly said to LA:”Ohhhhhhhh look a vibrator! You really can buy everything at the dollar store!”  She looks at me like I grew a second head and says to me and I quote:” Now Steph, that’s NOT A VIBRATOR its a back massager.  You use it to massage your back, nothing else” Or something like that…

I beg to differ, seeing as how I have an online store that carries these “alleged” so called, personal massagers…  The way I see it, if it takes batteries and it vibrates then its a vibrator.  Not necessarily a good one, but hey even welfarians need sex toys too you know!