It\\’s not often that I \\”expose myself\\” online, or anywhere else for that matter.\u00a0 No one likes a downer, and I am a far cry from one of those attention whore, drama causing, pity me types.\u00a0 Although someone (only one person in fact) has actually called me a drama queen.\u00a0 Although, not only are they the ONLY person who\\’s ever said that.\u00a0 Apparently everything that happens in my life (according to them) = drama.<\/p>\n
Heh. <\/em><\/p>\n Apparently… <\/em><\/p>\n riiiiiiiiiiiiight….<\/em><\/p>\n Yeah I\\’m a little bitter, but I\\’ll get over it.<\/p>\n Although they have yet to meet some of my friends<\/span> people I know who are the epitome of drama\/pity me\/feel sorry for me.\u00a0 So much to the point that they could start their own theater production company<\/span> are in dire need of therapy.<\/p>\n Anyway, this isn\\’t about them.\u00a0 It\\’s about me<\/strong>.<\/p>\n Fuck you it\\’s my blog. <\/em><\/p>\n Anyway I was reading Tanis AKA the redneck mommy\\’s latest post on her blog.<\/a> It broke my heart.\u00a0 On a number of levels.\u00a0 I can also empathize with her on a certain level.\u00a0 Earlier last year, I had a miscarriage.\u00a0 Had that not happened, I would be just about ready or already have had a child at this point.<\/p>\n No I don\\’t care to talk about that<\/strong>.\u00a0 So please don\\’t ask me about it here <\/span>at all.\u00a0 However should you feel oh so compelled to inquire about it.\u00a0 Please e-mail me instead.\u00a0 So I don\\’t have to publicly tell you to fuck off<\/span> err drop dead<\/span> please respect my privacy.\u00a0 It\\’s still a touchy subject for me.\u00a0 I am however taking the first step to acknowledging that it happened, I will perhaps discuss it when I\\’m ready. Anyway part of her post (mostly how she felt like a failure) hit home.\u00a0 As in felt like someone smashed me in the face with a baseball bat.\u00a0 I\\’m not a parent, but one thing I do know is loss.\u00a0 Also grief and how it follows you like your own personal natural disaster, hanging out in the background and lingering.\u00a0 I like to think that for the most part I have a handle on this whole grief thing.\u00a0 Reese Butler (the founder & president of the Kristin Brooks Hope Center\/1-800-suicide) said in an interview after loosing his wife to suicide:<\/p>\n \\”The first year after her death was the most painful year of my life. The 2nd year after her death was only worse because it was the opposite, totally numb and a total loss of desire to live anymore. It was then that I learned how a depressed person could welcome death as a relief from the pain or hopelessness that ensued.\\”\u00a0 Feel free to read the whole thing here<\/a> (it\\’s pretty awesome).<\/em><\/p>\n Depression sucks.\u00a0 So does feeling like no one\\’s there to listen, or feeling like a non person.\u00a0 Especially when the people that are there for you<\/span> claim to be there for you, but are far too self centered\/wrapped up in their own lives merely pretend to care.\u00a0 All the while thinking, please just STFU.\u00a0 I know who those people are, they no longer have a welcome place in my life.\u00a0 I don\\’t keep score, but please don\\’t expect me to give a flying fuck about ANYTHING that goes on in your life, when you could truly care less about what goes on in mine.\u00a0 I believe in equality, and treating people the same way that they treat me.\u00a0 So if you take me for granted\/walk all over me I will do the same <\/span>be the bigger person and walk away.<\/p>\n Most of the time.<\/p>\n Sometimes I can\\’t.<\/em><\/p>\n Because Karma\\’s a bitch and sometimes her name is Steph.<\/em><\/p>\n That\\’ll learn ya now won\\’t it. <\/em><\/p>\n Anyway, moving along!<\/p>\n I completed my OSIS (Online Suicide Intervention Specialist) training at the end of November.\u00a0 All through my professor droning on and on (Christ he\\’s such a pompous ass!) and playing solitaire all the while.\u00a0 Because let\\’s face it, it\\’s about as dry as dinosaur remains and I needed something to keep me awake<\/span> visually stimulated that wouldn\\’t outwardly distract me from what I was doing.\u00a0 Occasionally I would glance up and would look at Jason\\’s picture.\u00a0 Just a friendly<\/span> painful reminder of why I\\’m doing this.\u00a0 I\\’m doing it for him, I\\’m doing it in the hopes that I can spare someone else the soul sucking heartache of loosing someone to suicide.\u00a0 It was a great reminder and then it became my downfall.<\/p>\n
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