{"id":2073,"date":"2013-03-16T06:43:34","date_gmt":"2013-03-16T10:43:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/?p=2073"},"modified":"2013-03-16T06:44:21","modified_gmt":"2013-03-16T10:44:21","slug":"shannon-larratts-final-words","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/?p=2073","title":{"rendered":"Shannon Larratt\\’s final words"},"content":{"rendered":"

\\\"Shannon\\\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Rest in peace Shannon, you\\’ve been suffering for a long time and I hope that the pain no longer\u00a0encompasses\u00a0you. -Steph<\/p>\n

News of Shannon\\’s passing have spread like wildfire. \u00a0If you\\’re part of the modification community, there\\’s a huge possibility that you know who he is. \u00a0While his Facebook page<\/a>\u00a0 and his Blog<\/a>\u00a0were always a wealth of information for those that knew\/followed him he will always be known as the founder of BME.<\/p>\n

It was because of Shannon that I have met so many wonderful people who I am delighted to call friends. \u00a0I was able to find his last blog post to the world at large via\u00a0http:\/\/pastebin.com\/m8t6mb7W\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n

I am taking some major liberty here and copying it onto my blog in the hopes that everyone can read his last communication to the one\\’s he left behind. \u00a0Just in case.<\/p>\n

Finita, la commedia<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/em>
\nAs the saying goes, \u201cby the time you read this I\u2019ll be dead.\u201d Caitlin has probably posted it by my request, or it\u2019s been posted as part of a dead-man switch. I have known this was coming for years, at times even hoped for it, and most of that time I haven\u2019t ever been afraid of it, although as it\u2019s grown closer I\u2019ve felt equal parts dread and relief, with a little bit of panic mixxed in. I wish I could have lived much, much longer as there is still so much I want to do and see and be a part of, although in the time I had I could not have asked for a more wonderful life. I\u2019ve had the opportunity to do remarkable things, see my dreams made real and changed the world and the lives of many for the better, loved and been loved, and have an amazing daughter who I hope will have her own wonderful life. My biggest sadness is not being able to be a part of more of it, and I have spent many days in tears trying to figure out a way to squeeze more meaningful time out of this life. There\u2019s just so much more I want to do \u2014 and I think everyone knows I\u2019ve done a lot. But not enough. If I knew my live was going to be this short, I would have pushed harder, not frittered so much of it away. I wish I\u2019d seized every single opportunity, not just \u201cmany of them\u201d, thinking \u201cI can do that next year.\u201d I\u2019ve always thought that for me the \u201cundiscovered country\u201d was in the Star Trek sense of the word \u2014 that is, the glorious future \u2014 but instead I\u2019ve gotten stuck with Hamlet\u2019s \u201cundiscovered country\u201d, or death: \u201cBut that the dread of something after death, the undiscovered country, from whose bourn no traveller returns, puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others that we know not of?\u201d<\/em>
\n\u00a0<\/em>
\nThe last three or four years have been a daily struggle, beginning with a multi-layered pain made up of a never-ending, never-lulling dull throbbing from the core of my muscles beginning in my legs and eventually spreading out over my entire body, coupled with a constant burning sensation in my skin that made it impossible for me to feel anyone\u2019s touch without it being a bitter agony. I held out hope that a treatment for the pain if not a cure could be found, but every difficult diagnostic step only confirmed the degenerative condition replacing healthy tissue with junk calcium was incurable, and every new attempt to treat the pain only emphasized that it was inescapable. Not only that, but every day it grew. As impossibly painful every day of this process has been, it has been made more difficult by knowing that the next day will always be worse, and every day that goes by I have less defences against a more powerful foe. <\/em><\/p>\n

There was a time that I believed that I could cope with the unending pain, but then the pain\u2019s root began catching up to me as less and less healthy muscle tissue remained. Every day I could walk a little less. Carry a little less. Use my hands a little less. Bit by bit it chipped away at me. As I write this even standing up is indescribably painful, even sitting up, and the idea of walking nightmarish, although I have done my best to hide it and keep it buried. In addition to the muscles breaking down, neurological and autonomic problems have been creeping up, either because of the condition itself or because of the treatment. I\u2019ve certainly said this before, but I don\u2019t feel like I have the strength to keep trying less and less likely options. My mind is the only thing I have left. This has actually been written over several months as I try and assemble it in small pieces while I have enough lucidity to do so. The remainders of my days feel emptier and intellectually lonelier \u2014 I can\u2019t begin to describe the horror of going from a voracious reader and consumer of knowledge to someone who looks at a page full of words and sees only a hash of lines and shapes, devoid of real meaning. In any case, I\u2019m done. I\u2019m tired out. I don\u2019t want to do this any more. I have had a very good life, but it\u2019s not good any more.<\/em>
\n\u00a0<\/em>
\nI do admit that the closest I come to any sense of \u201clife after death\u201d is my nagging suspicion that we\u2019re living in a simulation\u2026 I don\u2019t know that I buy the statistical argument (since there is only one \u201creal\u201d reality, and a huge number of simulations, we are almost certainly in a simulation), because it makes so many big assumptions, but there are other convincing hints \u2014 the quantized nature of reality, so of the weirdness at the edges of perception, and so on, to say nothing of how \u201cspecial\u201d life feels. If such a thing is true, I don\u2019t know if perception continues outside of the simulation. I doubt it to be honest. But thinking about such things makes me value both the unreality of existence, the interconnectedness of consciousness, how temporary existence is, and also how permanent and real it is, if that makes any sense\u2026 I do hope there\u2019s \u201cmore\u201d, but I have accepted the likelihood that there isn\u2019t, and find comfort in both. And really, if it\u2019s a simulation, I have no idea of you just blip out of existence and get your data set analyzed, or if there\u2019s some eternal being that actually experiences your life post-life, as if waking from a dream or playing a game, or if we reboot in some technological reincarnation. We\u2019re all the centre of our universe. That is, right now I feel I could be the only sentience in world filled NPCs. But if you\u2019re reading this, and I\u2019m gone, well, then I guess I was the NPC and you\u2019re the only true consciousness, haha. Naw, I don\u2019t really think any of think on any serious level but I do enjoy thinking about it. And to be clear, as a \u201cno doubts\u201d atheist, I am quite firmly rooted in reality the majority of the time.<\/em>
\n\u00a0<\/em>
\nI have mixed feelings about the medical treatment that I\u2019ve received. From everything I have seen and understand, I don\u2019t believe that anything could have been done to fundamentally \u201ccure\u201d me (although I suspect that cures for these sorts of genetic conditions will come in a decade or two \u2014 I wish I could have made it that long). This condition is what it is, and it was probably fated for me the day I was born. On the positive side, I was given genetic gifts that made me uniquely qualified to achieve the things I did (and again \u2014 I wish I had done more), so I really can\u2019t justly complain that I got some bad with the good. But I do believe that there were fundamental shortcomings in the way both my condition and my pain was treated, and that the last few years could have been much more pleasant if the pain had been more aggressively managed. I believe this was in part because of the prejudice of multiple doctors due to my appearance causing them to stereotype me as drug seeking (and the simple reality is that it can be hard to tell, and we are so cruel as to prefer to \u201cpunish\u201d the sick than to \u201creward\u201d the mentally ill).<\/em><\/p>\n

I wish there was some way to make those doctors understand the cruelty they enacted. A patient should have the right to a pain free life, even if that comes with some risk. I understand that doctors are pressured due to our \u201cwar on drugs\u201d mentality, but I don\u2019t think all the blame should go on the politicians. In some ways it\u2019s pointless to second guess any of that now because what\u2019s done is done, but the other side of that coin is that countless others in Canada and abroad are going through this right now even if\u00a0I\\’ve\u00a0escaped it. As to the shortcomings in treating my core disease \u2014 I\u2019d say that I\u2019ve had virtually no treatment, and unfortunately that is true for almost every sufferer of rare genetic myopathies around the world. Support groups online are\u00a0horrific\u00a0 So I don\u2019t think this is a problem with Canada per se, just that when it comes to genetic diseases, I\u2019m just a little too early in history still. I have also felt very alone when it comes to end-of-life counselling. <\/em><\/p>\n

For a lot of this process I have felt very alone \u2014 really, I think the only person who\u2019s really been able to understand it is Caitlin because she\u2019s the only person that\u2019s seen it all first hand and in private with guards down. The last medical thing I want to mention is that I want to strongly advocate for \u201cright to die\u201d legislation. Canada currently has no such thing. It is my strong believe that if I had known that there was a \u201csafe\u201d, pain-free way for me to go at a time of my choosing, hopefully at home surrouded by love, it would have brought me not just enormous peace, but I believe would have given me strength to fight this even longer than I have. As Isaac Asimov said, \u201cNo decent human being would allow an animal to suffer without putting it out of its misery. It is only to human beings that human beings are so cruel as to allow them to live on in pain, in hopelessness, in living death, without moving a muscle to help them.\u201d And this is how I have felt for a long time now, trapped in this nightmarish prison of pain. Losing my motor skills hasn\u2019t been fun either, but the pain is the worst part. After writing that I can\u2019t help but think of Keats. I really do hope people will one day have as much right to control their deaths as to control their lives \u2014 it is in many ways, the fundamental human right, even more fundamental than thought and self-expression.<\/em>
\n\u00a0<\/em>
\nDarkling I listen; and, for many a time<\/em>
\nI have been half in love with easeful Death,<\/em>
\nCall\u2019d him soft names in many a mused rhyme,<\/em>
\nTo take into the air my quiet breath;<\/em>
\nNow more than ever seems it rich to die,<\/em>
\nTo cease upon the midnight with no pain,<\/em>
\nWhile thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad<\/em>
\nIn such an ecstasy!<\/em>
\nStill wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain\u2013<\/em>
\nTo thy high requiem become a sod.<\/em>
\n\u00a0<\/em>
\nIt\u2019s hard not to quote the whole thing \u2014 take the time to read it if you don\u2019t know it \u2014 and while these days I\u2019ve been feeling more like the author of the poem, at times when I am able to get my head over water, I wonder if there is a part of me that is more nightingale\u2019s song than sod\u2026 Was it a vision, or a waking dream? Fled is that music: \u2014-do I wake or sleep?<\/em>
\n\u00a0<\/em>
\nAs I mentioned, as an atheist, I am thoroughly convinced that this is the literal end of my adventures, and again, I do find some comfort in that, knowing that my suffering is over. But I was also raised on stories, and I believe that real immortality comes from the stories that are told about you and your life and the way your deeds live on in the lives of others. I have some worries about the process of dying (that it will hurt, or that it will \u201cgo wrong\u201d in some way), but I have no fear of death itself in part because I know that the life I chose allowed me to have a special role in changing the course of human civilization \u2014 as egotistical or even petty as that may sound, especially if you\u2019re in the group of people that sees body modification as \u201cjust another fashion\u201d. Perhaps it\u2019s petty or vain to give body modification such significance, but there\u2019s never been a point in human history where individuals have had this level of self-expressive control over their morphology and physical decorations. The work that I was a part of enriched changed the lives of millions of people for the better (and yes, a few for the worse, but I have no doubt it was a dramatic net positive), and probably even saved the lives of thousands. A friend told me once that my role was that of a \u201ccatalyst\u201d \u2014 that I started fires inside people that helped them to change themselves (or become themselves) in positive way. I feel so lucky to have found myself in that position, and I want to offer my heartfelt thanks for everyone who made that possible. And I\u2019d like to think that even though I was a big puzzle piece in body modification, that I was a smaller but still important puzzle piece in a larger movement of people from all sorts of diffierent subcultures fighting for mutual support in a diverse patheon of self-expression and dream chasing. I soemtimes regret that I never finished my memoir. I suppose if there\u2019s interest in it in the future, Caitlin has all my notes for it, all my blogs, all my personal photos and videos, to say nothing of the many people who could contribute stories, so if there\u2019s a place for it, I\u2019m sure it will happen. If not, well, let me smile thinking that there is and let that illusion return to dust as I do.<\/em>
\n\u00a0<\/em>
\nIn any case, on body modification, I hope that others will continue this mission. For a while I thought that BME was no longer needed, that its core mission had been achieved. But when I started blogging on the subject again last year, it became clear to me that while there were many, many sites and people posting body modification media, there are very few people providing the mix of community support, political activism, and hard information that BME always strove for. I think that BME can still provide that, but it\u2019s not going to happen without a lot of good people stepping up to help, because it\u2019s clearly having trouble keeping its head over water for a broad range of reasons. <\/em><\/p>\n

For a long time the body modification community, while deeply isolated from the mainstream in a way that may be hard for younger people today to really relate to, had a wonderful sense of solidarity \u2014 a sense that we\u2019re all in this together, a sense of all supporting each other\u2019s personal paths, from the subtle to the extreme \u2014 but now it feels like there\u2019s infighting and intra-community prejudice. We once all worked together to better ourselves and share our experiences \u2014 for example the creation of BME\u2019s various knowledge-bases (birthed from the earlier Usenet FAQs) that brought the world level-headed accurate information on modifications and their risks, as well as the thousands of detailed \u201cexperiences\u201d that people wrote \u2014 whereas now it seems like the majority of modification media is just about posting pictures, devoid of any real stories or information, reducing them to visual pornography for people to \u201ccheer and jeer\u201d at.<\/em><\/p>\n

All of these changes have slowly eaten away at the character of the body modification community and changed it in subtle and unpleasant ways. I do think this is a fixable problem though, and I have talked to many, many wonderful people (both artists and enthusiasts) who have a strong passion for body modification that I am sure could be part of a restoration effort. I truly hope they will fight to keep changing the world for the better. <\/em><\/p>\n

I still believe that BME is the best place to use as a home for this due to the invaluable content it contains and the inertia it has (and I hope Rachel will accept the help that is offered), but this change has to be bigger than BME as well. I hope that everyone will use their voice for good \u2014 if you see something interesting, try and post it along with information about it (or even do a five-question interview), speak out against prejudice and support people\u2019s self-expression, even if it\u2019s not something you would ever want to do or can even relate to, and support the best parts of the industry. Sometimes people give me credit for the things BME achieved, but the reality is that whatever role as a guide or catalyst I played is nothing in comparison to the community as a whole \u2014 the little contributions we each made added up into something colossally beautiful. That needs to keep happening. I could go on and on, but I\u2019ve accepted that the time has come for me to rest. I am so proud of everything we have achieved together and I want to see it go on forever. I believe in the good in this community and the importance of our contribution to the human spirit. It would be a very sad thing for this mission to grind to a halt.<\/em>
\n\u00a0<\/em>
\nMy only real regrets lie with not being able to spend more time with those who stay on\u2026 My pain is over now, I hope that those who remain can find some solace in knowing that I\u2019m not suffering any more. I wish I could have given them more and especially when it comes to Caitlin and my daughter I feel like\u00a0they\\’ve\u00a0both given me so much more than I could ever return. Caitlin suffered through my immature years, and when things finally started falling into place for us, it all got taken away so cruelly, and she has suffered alongside me though all of this. I owe her more than I could ever explain here and love her so much. And my daughter is probably singlehandedly responsible for turning me into a mature person, and is the reason\u00a0I\\’ve\u00a0held on for as long as I have. No one have I loved more.<\/em><\/p>\n

I would have given up years ago if it weren\u2019t for hoping to spend more time with her. That brings me to one last thing that may be in bad taste. I\u2019ve dedicated my life to helping build and protect the world of body modification and self-expression in general. Even though I was only a small part of the community that ultimately deserves the majority credit, I\u2019d like to believe that I\u2019ve contributed in a unique way, and personally touched many lives for the better, and that the world would be a quite different place were it not for the specific flavor of the efforts I was catalytic in. Of course I have made many mistakes and at times missed my ideals due to my own shortcomings, but in general I\u2019ve tried to help create a world where everyone could express themselves as felt right, and be the person that they imagined themselves to be. <\/em><\/p>\n

To push for people to make their dreams and passions come true, to find new paths to joy and fulfilment, to define a better sense of self and a sense of ones place in the cosmos, bound by awareness and intellectual honesty, caution while exploring the reckless, and mutual respect. I\u2019ve tried to encourage people to uplift each other and be good to each other, especially when it comes to self-expression, and I hope I\u2019ve made meaningful contributions to the so-called human condition. If I have touched your life in some positive way, and you feel you want to give something back to me personally, I am hoping that there are some among you who would be willing to contribute to a trust fund to support my daughter. The person I trust to manage this is Caitlin, who you can reach by email or PayPal at caitlinjane@gmail.com<\/em>
\n\u00a0<\/em>
\nFinally, a few people have contacted me in the past asking for ashes for creamation art and body modification projects (ink rubbings, implants, and so on). Of course I\u2019m not offended if everyone changes their mind, but I have to admit that I love the idea of living on in the artform (and community) that I\u2019ve loved so much in such a way. Again, the right way to do that would be to contact Caitlin (I just mentioned her email), and ask her to send you some \u2014 just be willing to contribute to a share of the costs of cremation of course.<\/em>
\n\u00a0<\/em>
\nThank you to everyone who made my life wonderful. I love you all. I wish there had been more of it, and I wish I had more to give. I\u2019m sorry there is so much unfinished, so much left to do, but I am glad to know many wonderful people who will complete it. Last minute reflections and bits of advice\u2026 seize every opportunity that\u2019s in front of you and live life to the fullest. Even with everything I\u2019ve done, there is so much more I wish I\u2019d squeezed in. Don\u2019t let a single day (well, maybe a single day) be idle. Have every adventure you can, and explore every street \u2014 although treat the one-way streets with caution. Don\u2019t fritter you life away into television, random browsing, and pointless substance abuse (I have at times been guilty of all of these) \u2014 although remember there are valid uses for them, both for growth and entertainment. Have passion about the future, and in the present. Especially if you\u2019re young, push your education and your skills to their limits on every level. Don\u2019t just graduate highschool, get a degree, get a doctorate if you can. I know these things aren\u2019t for everyone, they they are for most, and they also open doors to some of the most special adventures. Even if you can\u2019t afford proper schooling there are many, many ways to learn, free courses to volunteering, and so on. Value your health, and the health of our planet, and strive beyond its borders. We have such a glorious future, but never forget that your part in that future could end at any moment, so live a life that you can be pround of. And of course love and treat each other well.<\/em>
\n\u00a0<\/em>
\nAs much as these last years have been the most difficult I can imagine, and there are still many deeds to be done, please know that I have had a wonderful adventure and enjoyed it immensely on the whole.<\/em>
\n\u00a0<\/em>
\nLive Long and Prosper!<\/em>
\n\u00a0<\/em>
\nLove always,<\/em>
\n\u00a0<\/em>
\nShannon Larratt<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Rest in peace Shannon, you\\’ve been suffering for a long time and I hope that the pain no longer\u00a0encompasses\u00a0you. -Steph News of Shannon\\’s passing have spread like wildfire. \u00a0If you\\’re part of the modification community, there\\’s a huge possibility that you know who he is. \u00a0While his Facebook page\u00a0 and his Blog\u00a0were always a wealth […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[66,3,31,46,24,45],"tags":[87],"class_list":["post-2073","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-are-you-fing-kidding-me","category-friends","category-sad","category-kick-in-the-face","category-tattoo-fever","category-what-the-fuck","tag-shannon-larratt"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2073","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2073"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2073\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2073"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2073"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2073"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}