{"id":777,"date":"2010-03-11T21:12:03","date_gmt":"2010-03-12T02:12:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/?p=777"},"modified":"2010-03-12T17:41:20","modified_gmt":"2010-03-12T22:41:20","slug":"disjointed-fragments","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/?p=777","title":{"rendered":"Disjointed fragments"},"content":{"rendered":"

memory is a funny thing.\u00a0 My heightened level of exhaustion is truly screwing with my mind more often then not it would seem.\u00a0 There\\’s things I want to remember because they\\’re just beyond hilarious and I seem to forget them and then come back to them.\u00a0 Sometimes I wish I could videotape my life so I can look back on it and laugh.\u00a0 Laughter is a wonderful thing.\u00a0 Memories fade and its usually the good ones I find.\u00a0 As I was having my most enchanted evening with him, something he said triggered a long forgotten moment in what I refer to as my old life<\/em>.\u00a0 It was a surreal trip down memory lane & I wasn\\’t quite sure how I felt about that.\u00a0 He felt bad (no need to), as my beautiful friend Carly<\/a> referenced:\\”you are only as sick as your secrets<\/em>\\”<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Fuck. I. have. a. lot. of. secrets.<\/p>\n

Some of which I share (rendering them a secret no more), some I keep to myself.\u00a0 As much as I didn\\’t<\/span> don\\’t want him to feel bad, it totally dawned on me that there was something semi<\/span> huge that I shared on here and not with him.\u00a0 I meant to & somehow I totally forgot & for that, I\\’m sorry.\u00a0 I guess now that the moment is over (thankfully)\/crisis averted there was no need to bring it up.\u00a0 However had things not been so damn crazy for either of us (seriously I tried to wash my hands with toothpaste the other day, don\\’t ask) I\\’m quite certain I would have mentioned it.\u00a0 Because he had the right<\/em> to know and still <\/em>does.\u00a0 What a kick to the balls to read it on here and not hear it from me.\u00a0 Yeah that\\’s pretty damn low.\u00a0 Pending of course he reads my blog at all.\u00a0 Anyway, back to that whole memory thing.\u00a0 It was strange because it took me back to a place that I hadn\\’t<\/em> visited in so long.\u00a0 It didn\\’t bother me, it just made me feel unsettled for a while I guess.\u00a0 I did put a positive spin on it because there is<\/em> one.\u00a0 Although I will always wonder what I<\/em> would have been like had that not<\/em> happened.<\/p>\n

I\\’m obviously not destined to know.\u00a0 We all have our scars & that part of my life is my<\/em> cross to bear and I feel for the most part I bear it pretty well.\u00a0 I lived it, learned from it and became whom I am today because of it.\u00a0 I like me most of the time.\u00a0 I don\\’t like talking about it because of the emotions it evokes in other people.\u00a0 I<\/em> personally have moved on, I can\\’t & won\\’t<\/em> forget what happened but it made me stronger<\/strong> in the end.\u00a0 Which in a way I am thankful for.\u00a0 I don\\’t however want to hurt him with that story.\u00a0 Disjointed fragments come out now & then; he\\’s not stupid (he\\’s actually too smart for his own damn good) I like<\/span> love that about him.\u00a0 However I know first hand how hearing about that hurts some people and evokes the general reactions of anger\/sympathy\/pity and a slew of others that I would rather not<\/em> do.\u00a0 Like he said \\”we all have issues\\”<\/em> which we most certainly do.\u00a0 However I personally think its all in how you deal with them in the end.\u00a0 Do you learn from them, embrace them as a period of growth or do you react like some people I know and surround yourself with it like a shroud and use it as a shield?\u00a0 Or more accurately [use it] as an excuse for how messed up you think<\/em> your life is?\u00a0 There\\’s something to be said about letting go and for the most part I have.\u00a0 It changed me on a number of levels, some of which I don\\’t<\/em> particularly care for personally.\u00a0 I have however made my proverbial bed and while I did lie in it for a while, I have since exchanged it for a new & improved model.\u00a0 Mostly<\/em>.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Someday I\\’ll work up the nerve to share that story and let it out of the damn closet once and for all.\u00a0 Right now however, I just can\\’t.\u00a0 I\\’m not emotionally prepared to take on that beast and quite simply I\\’m exhausted<\/em> physically.\u00a0 Which in turn makes me mentally exhausted.\u00a0 Not to mention terribly UN-motivated.\u00a0 Although one thing I can say is that my tattoos have played a major role.\u00a0 I was talking to him about this project<\/a> I did\u00a0 & how even though its the most intimate part on a persons body in general; its soon going to be in a book for the whole world to see.\u00a0 Sex can be given up without any meaning behind it.\u00a0 After all a fuck is just that, however when feelings are involved it changes the overall perspective of it.\u00a0 It becomes something special and meaningful.\u00a0 It is however still just sex no matter which way you package it.\u00a0 My tattoos however are a part of the inner workings of my soul & not everyone is allowed a true peek inside; they are only allowed a brief artistic rendering of what may be, but isn\\’t what it always seems.<\/p>\n

Which is why he left me speechless…\u00a0 I won\\’t say why or how.\u00a0 It was more so due to how it was said, so maybe I\\’m just being over analytical about it.\u00a0 I just sat there looking at him with his adorable smile and was totally stoned and didn\\’t know what in God\\’s name to say.\u00a0 So I like a fool said nufin at all.\u00a0 Even though I wanted to.\u00a0 However I think that if its meant to come up again in due course it will and I\\’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.<\/p>\n

Speaking of tattoos, we have an appointment on the 3rd of April YAY!\u00a0 Well not 100% certain if he\\’s actually going or not but I most certainly am.\u00a0 Oh speaking of tattoos, I headed over to Ania\\’s blog<\/a> of modification wonderment (read misc mod news) and after checking out this particular slide show<\/a> some of the photo captions angered me.\u00a0 However I guess in a way if you have no clue what a tattoo entails it might be somewhat beneficial but I felt like it was written almost in a condescending tone.\u00a0 One pissed me right off:<\/p>\n

\\” Getting tattoo made in unhygienic conditions like use of cheap inks or unsterilized needles can result in major allergies and fatal infections like HIV.\\” <\/em><\/p>\n

Yes\u00a0 that is in part actual fact.\u00a0 Tattoo ink can<\/em> go rancid (rare but does happen), people do<\/em> have allergies to certain colors (red being a very common one) and let\\’s not forget hepatitis.\u00a0 However HIV? Nope, why?\u00a0 Because the virus dies<\/em> when its airborne.\u00a0 Yes you can get it from sharing used needles however seeing as how the difference between a hypodermic needle<\/a> and a tattoo needle<\/a> are quite vast. Idiots.\u00a0 If you can\\’t spot them yourself, allow me to point out a few basic differences.\u00a0 Hypodermic needles inject things into your veins, tattoo needles do not (just between layers of skin).\u00a0 You can draw back blood from a HN\\’s and store it in the base, TN\\’s can\\’t do this.\u00a0 So essentially that right there is enough to prove that theory is dead wrong.\u00a0 Yes of course they both deal with blood borne pathogens but seriously people, do your damn research before spouting off stupid shit.\u00a0 I have yet to read a legit story about someone, anyone getting HIV\/AIDS from a tattoo.\u00a0 OK no its not impossible <\/em>however the chances are so<\/em> slim due to how the machines operate.\u00a0 Whereas hepatitis was described to me once metaphorically by a specialist:\\” Picture it as an actual object on a road, amidst a down pour on a major highway.\u00a0 Being driven over\/on and rained down upon, that virus can live for 2 weeks<\/strong> outside the human body.\\” <\/em><\/p>\n

So that alone should be a far greater concern then HIV\/AIDS from getting a tattoo.<\/p>\n

In other news…<\/p>\n

I got my glasses today!\u00a0 You know now that I can actually see properly, the world is a much uglier, dirtier place.\u00a0 So is my apartment for that matter.\u00a0 Funny how I got complimented on my housekeeping skills the other day lol.\u00a0 Although that\\’s more so cat hair control because he\\’s got some serious allergies \ud83d\ude41\u00a0 Its worth it though, someone that awesome shouldn\\’t suffer because of my fur children.\u00a0 Must. Fight. The. Urge. To. vacuum.\u00a0 Need. Sleep.<\/p>\n

Going to be a long freaking day tomorrow…\u00a0 Working from 7:30am until 11pm.\u00a0 Well not straight through but the almost hour long trip between both jobs on the metro is hardly a break I would think.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

memory is a funny thing.\u00a0 My heightened level of exhaustion is truly screwing with my mind more often then not it would seem.\u00a0 There\\’s things I want to remember because they\\’re just beyond hilarious and I seem to forget them and then come back to them.\u00a0 Sometimes I wish I could videotape my life so […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11,3,4,56,58,22,55,24,42,51,5,45],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-777","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-cat-life","category-friends","category-life-as-i-know-it","category-love-3","category-mr-almost-perfect","category-random-rant","category-stephs-junk","category-tattoo-fever","category-we-have-fun","category-win","category-work","category-what-the-fuck"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/777","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=777"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/777\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=777"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=777"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=777"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}