{"id":817,"date":"2010-04-04T13:02:42","date_gmt":"2010-04-04T17:02:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/?p=817"},"modified":"2010-04-04T13:06:12","modified_gmt":"2010-04-04T17:06:12","slug":"beauty-is-in-the-eye-of-the-beholder","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/?p=817","title":{"rendered":"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder…"},"content":{"rendered":"

\\”Beauty is in the eye of the beholder means that different people will find different things beautiful and that the differences of opinion don\\’t matter greatly.\\” <\/em><\/p>\n

So I was reading a post<\/a> over at her bad mother<\/a> . \u00a0Strangely enough I was\u00a0talking\u00a0to him<\/em> about the time that my psycho ex boyfriends mom was and the time she said to me:\\”You know Stephanie, you have a really nice smile. \u00a0Oh Thanks! \u00a0Although you could stand to loose a few pounds off your thighs. \u00a0*come again?<\/span>*\\” <\/em>At least I know where he got it from. \u00a0I was maybe 15 or 16 at the time. \u00a0Anyway, hearing comments like that at any age is somewhat damaging, hearing it when you\\’re in your early teens? \u00a0Damn near suicidal. \u00a0 You see I had a really\u00a0awkward\u00a0time growing up. \u00a0I always looked different, growing up in a small town made my red hair that much more of a\u00a0rarity, not to mention my freckles and my last name pretty much made me a prime target for being teased. \u00a0Oh yeah lets not forget I was the only one in my grade four class that wore a bra. \u00a0A real bra, not one of them training bra deals. \u00a0I was sassy but brutally shy on so. many. levels. \u00a0Cambridge was a bore, I grew up a little, learned to appreciate myself for who I was to a degree but I wanted more. \u00a0I got the\u00a0utmost\u00a0thrill from being bad (Sorry mom! I love you), rebel without a clue essentially sums it up.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I met Garnet when I was 15. He lived in Guelph which was a considerably bigger city that Cambridge and was everything that I wasn\\’t. \u00a0We broke up after a few months, although we still had a few mutual friends in common and to make a long story short ended up getting back together later that summer at a friends birthday party. \u00a0The abuse started when I was about 16. \u00a0I was (and still am) a very stubborn,\u00a0independent person with too much pride. \u00a0I should have ended it after his first attempt to kill me that day, but for some reason\u00a0unbeknown\u00a0to me at the time, I stayed. \u00a0Looking back on it now as a rational adult, I can see it so clearly. \u00a0At that age, its not so blatantly obvious. \u00a0He\u00a0constantly berated me for the way I looked, the way I dressed, what I ate, how much I weighed, how much time I spent at the gym (too little for him apparently). \u00a0Essentially he took my self\u00a0esteem\u00a0and destroyed it. \u00a0I allowed him to control me and how I seen myself. \u00a0I. hated. myself. a. lot. \u00a0Case in point. \u00a0I obsessed over how I looked, what I ate and essentially had a borderline eating disorder. \u00a0I look back at pictures from that time period and of course I would kill to have the body I had then. \u00a0I however have since learned to accept myself for the person I am and I like me. \u00a0Now. \u00a0However back then, I loathed myself on so. many. levels. \u00a0Especially when you hear things from someone who <\/span>claims to love you that they\\’re repulsed by you, they\\’re not physically attracted to you and so forth. <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

There\\’s a huge correlation between an abusive relationship & how one views\u00a0themselves. \u00a0I\\’ve been asked countless times why I stayed. \u00a0That\\’s a valid, yet totally loaded question. \u00a0Like I\\’ve said on numerous occasions, its hard<\/del> impossible to comprehend when your on the outside looking in. \u00a0Its something that <\/span>you know in your heart is wrong, yet your so destroyed inside, mentally and emotionally that you don\\’t have the courage, strength or the will to leave. \u00a0Your\u00a0life is no longer your own, its dominated by the skewed way you view yourself, fear and having it drilled into your head time and time again that no man will want you looking\/acting the way you do. \u00a0After a while you start to believe it. \u00a0Really it boils down to control, an\u00a0insatiable\u00a0need for it at all costs. \u00a0That is one key component to the mindset of an abuser. \u00a0I have since learned that its <\/span>them who can\\’t live without <\/span>you, <\/span>them who feels that they will be nothing if <\/span>you leave. \u00a0God forbid if you try and obtain a mind of your own, the strength to stand on <\/span>your own two feet and live your life\u00a0the\u00a0way <\/span>you choose to. <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I\\’ll never forget the day we broke up. \u00a0I called him, he was crying and carrying on saying that I should have been upstairs with him (we lived in the same apt building) not waiting for my date to arrive. \u00a0I said no to him for the first time ever. \u00a0The cry stopped immediately and he said what? \u00a0I said no, no I will NOT come upstairs to be with you. \u00a0He then says to me <\/span>\\”Stephie, you finally stuck up to me, that\\’s all I ever wanted you to do.\\” Right, so that gives you just cause to beat me down on so many levels? \u00a0Anyway needless to say, the\u00a0euphoria\u00a0I felt at that moment is still to this day\u00a0indescribable. \u00a0I finally felt for the first time that I and I alone had gained some control of my life and that was and still is to this day the best feeling ever. <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I still on occasion have moments where I hear his voice in my head when i\\’m having a bad day. \u00a0Every once in a while, those damn image issues come creeping up on me and I try to ignore them and most of the time I succeed. \u00a0I am who I am and while I am not perfect, I am perfectly flawed and in spite of it all; I have learned to not only accept myself but love myself for who I am. \u00a0I refuse to obsess about it, although I <\/span>do know that I should pay far greater attention to taking better care of myself overall.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

So what does all of this have to do with\u00a0Catherine\\’s\u00a0post? \u00a0Everything. \u00a0I think on some level that we all feel \\”ugly\\” to some degree somedays and I wholly agree that we don\\’t tell people who matter to us that they are in fact beautiful. \u00a0Not even\u00a0necessarily\u00a0physically beautiful because true beauty comes from within. \u00a0So here\\’s the part where I give some credit to not only one, but several people who have been a mainstay in my life and I love and adore beyond words. \u00a0People who I should tell more often how beautiful they are & just how important they truly are to me. \u00a0In no particular order:<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

My mom. \u00a0My mom who\\’s my all time best friend, who\\’s\u00a0the\u00a0center of my existence\u00a0and the only person who\\’s\u00a0opinion\u00a0truly\u00a0matters\u00a0to me. \u00a0My biggest supporter, she showed me the true meaning of unconditional love. \u00a0No matter how bad I fucked up, in spite of all the\u00a0heinous\u00a0things I have done my mom was always there. \u00a0my mom is not only beautiful, she\\’s amazing, incredibly strong and all around \u00a0the most incredible woman I have the\u00a0privilege\u00a0of knowing. \u00a0I love you mom! <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Sandra: My big sis, whom I tormented\u00a0endlessly\u00a0as a child. \u00a0My sister tends to amaze me on so many levels. \u00a0She\\’s shown me time and time again that no matter when you think you have had enough, no matter how much shit life throws at you; somehow you can find the strength from within. \u00a0She inspires me, likely more then she will ever know. \u00a0she drives me crazy, but she\\’s my sis and I love her dearly regardless. <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Corrine: My beautiful best friend of all time. \u00a0I\\’ve known her for about 27 years now. \u00a0She\\’s seen me through it all. \u00a0We\\’ve done so much, been through so much. \u00a0She\\’s like the younger sister I never had and I love her to death. \u00a0I cherish all my friendships, however this is one that has stood the test of time. \u00a0I wouldn\\’t give her up for anything. <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Carly<\/a> cakes: My incredible, beautiful \u00a0Mtl BFF. \u00a0She\\’s one of the few people in this province that truly mean something to me. \u00a0Even though she has since moved to VW to be with her beloved and I miss her dearly. \u00a0Her and I are very similar to each other, she\\’s been my voice of reason on numerous occasions and I love her to pieces too! \u00a0She inspires me and makes me very proud to have such an amazing friend <3<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I have countless people in my life that mean something, so don\\’t feel left out if you weren\\’t included in said list. \u00a0I am one of the fortunate few that have so many amazing people in their life that make a difference to me and are oh so very important. \u00a0So thank you, that means a lot to me and I am very grateful to have so many amazing people in my life!<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\\”Beauty is in the eye of the beholder means that different people will find different things beautiful and that the differences of opinion don\\’t matter greatly.\\” So I was reading a post over at her bad mother . \u00a0Strangely enough I was\u00a0talking\u00a0to him about the time that my psycho ex boyfriends mom was and the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[30,3,50,60,56,25],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-817","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-family","category-friends","category-ftw","category-good-things","category-love-3","category-pretties"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/817","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=817"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/817\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=817"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=817"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=817"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}