{"id":907,"date":"2010-05-16T13:27:31","date_gmt":"2010-05-16T17:27:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/?p=907"},"modified":"2010-05-16T13:30:46","modified_gmt":"2010-05-16T17:30:46","slug":"maybe-its-a-good-thing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/?p=907","title":{"rendered":"Maybe its a good thing?"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\\’m cautiously optimistic lately.\u00a0 For good reasons of course.\u00a0 May 3rd marked the eighth month of his passing.\u00a0 I got through the first few days thanks to some very awesome people who could have very well saved my life that day & the one\\’s that followed.\u00a0 I got through the first Christmas and recently the first, not to mention milestone birthday.\u00a0 Most importantly I got through the past eight months and survived<\/em>.\u00a0\u00a0 Death hurts, not matter which way you look at it, who it happens to.\u00a0 We all deal with it differently, we all feel pain on different levels.\u00a0 People are like snowflakes, unique and very much one of a kind.\u00a0 We all feel <\/em> the same emotions, except\u00a0 on different levels at different times.\u00a0 We all also deal with them differently as well.\u00a0 I find that we all tend to loose sight of that when dealing with something.\u00a0 How often have you heard\/said \\”If that was me…\\” OK I\\’ll give you that, however we also need to keep in mind that we don\\’t all think alike.<\/p>\n

Death by suicide?<\/p>\n

That\\’s a whole different animal right there. <\/em><\/p>\n

There\\’s no answer\\’s, only speculation.\u00a0 Guilt.\u00a0 Selfish thoughts such as wasn\\’t I<\/em> good enough to live for, or my own personal favorite, why didn\\’t I try harder to save you<\/em>?\u00a0 I know now that I couldn\\’t (save him),but part of me wishes that I tried just a little harder for a little longer.\u00a0 I might have had him for a little longer, as selfish as that is.<\/p>\n

So many questions and there\\’s never a proper answer.\u00a0 Then I got it<\/em>.\u00a0 The days leading up to his birthday<\/a> were some of the darkest I have ever experienced.\u00a0 Simply put, I didn\\’t care.\u00a0 To say I felt dead inside was putting it mildly.\u00a0 Why should I feel that way?\u00a0 I have some of the best people in my life that a girl could ever ask for, a career, my own business, I\\’m starting a charity and have a whole new perspective on life.\u00a0 Except for that brief period…<\/p>\n

None of it mattered.\u00a0 Not a single thing.<\/em><\/p>\n

Can\\’t really explain it, nor rationalize it other then I got it.\u00a0 Jason\\’s death made sense to me.\u00a0 Kinda.\u00a0 Maybe that<\/em> was what I needed to feel in order to make sense of it all.\u00a0 To gain a better understanding of his thoughts and feelings.\u00a0 I stopped blaming myself a long time ago, the guilt has finally started to ebb away.\u00a0 Maybe I\\’ve finally reached the stage<\/a> of reconstruction\/working through and acceptance?\u00a0 Who knows, only time in and of itself will truly tell.<\/p>\n

For a lot of reasons, Jason\\’s death was a major turning point in my life.\u00a0 I learned a lot about myself, the capacity of just how strong I could be<\/span>, needed to be to get through this and have some semblance of normalcy in my life.\u00a0 The biggest kick in the proverbial ass was looking at my life, the things I have done and what made me UN-happy and took some major personal inventory about the things that I didn\\’t need or want in my life.\u00a0 Certain people needed to go, a career change and the burning need to make a difference.\u00a0 I have however come to the conclusion that I need to work on me first before I can conquer helping others.\u00a0 Because when your not feeling \\”normal\\” then how on earth can one expect to help others with the same pain\/issues\/emotional turmoil.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A lot of what has occurred goes back to his death, I almost feel like I\\’m borderline obsessing about it because I have OCD and tend to take just about everything over the top sometimes.<\/p>\n

Its been a long ugly road, full of some serious uphill battles, personal reflection and so many questions.\u00a0 I never lost sight of a bigger picture, except I didn\\’t really know what to expect of that, because I had a hard time seeing<\/em> it.\u00a0 So many things got put on hold because I just didn\\’t<\/span> couldn\\’t see it.\u00a0 Then things started to happen, things that I didn\\’t expect to happen. <\/em><\/p>\n

Him<\/em>.<\/p>\n

(by him I mean Pete for those of you not in the know)<\/p>\n

Somehow he managed to restore some of the damaged faith I had in myself and others.\u00a0 I honestly didn\\’t think I had the capacity, the want, the need or the know how to give a damn about someone new<\/em>.\u00a0 Turns out I was wrong, delightfully so.<\/p>\n

However, not everything was<\/span> is shiny & pretty with cupcakes, kittens and unicorns.<\/p>\n

He changed me…<\/em><\/p>\n

Now that\\’s not <\/em>a bad thing, <\/em>it has however been quite the learning experience.\u00a0 We\\’ve talked about it a few times and while I am not going to write about what he said\/did because its not my place to do so.\u00a0 I had one hell of a epiphany the other day at my friends wedding no less (of all places) dear God!\u00a0 Between the stress of making their wedding cake, the sleep deprivation,\u00a0 working amongst all that will make any sane person crazy on some level.\u00a0 Top that off with too many margarita\\’s, allergy pills, anti-inflammatory meds, just trying to deal and occasionally feeling like the walking wounded<\/a>, I had a sneaking suspicion that I was about<\/span> knew I was going to have an epic meltdown and it was going to happen sooner as opposed to later.\u00a0 I kept my cool when the cake wasn\\’t working out the way we wanted to, when all that hard work & materials totally went to waste.\u00a0 I didn\\’t freak out once, which for me was likely a record.\u00a0 Chef\\’s are notorious for being emotionally UN-stable\/passionate people when it comes to their food and I am certainly not an exception to that rule.<\/p>\n

Then the wedding happened.<\/em><\/p>\n

Which was great<\/strong><\/em><\/span>, but I\\’ll save that post for another day.\u00a0 This isn\\’t about the wedding, more so what happened (to me) at it.<\/p>\n

A very minor<\/em><\/span> incident occurred which under normal circumstances wouldn\\’t have bothered me for more then about 30 seconds but to pile that on top of everything else, something inside me snapped.\u00a0 I tried to rationalize it in my mind, but in my drunken state it was just beyond me to do so.\u00a0 My panties got in the biggest knot and I felt the need to say something about it.\u00a0 Not the right time, certainly not the right place either.\u00a0 I did however know that if I squashed it and left it <\/span>attempted to leave it for another day, or just a better time I just might have totally exploded.\u00a0 It was petty, so ridiculously petty.\u00a0 Not to mention something that wasn\\’t worth making a fuss over, however I just seemingly couldn\\’t help myself (of course<\/em>).\u00a0 So I said what needed to be said and thought it best to let it go.<\/p>\n

However it was far from being that simple.<\/p>\n

Of course.<\/em><\/p>\n

It however turned out to be a good<\/em> thing in the end.<\/p>\n

After all, everything happens for a reason<\/em> right?<\/p>\n

I like to think<\/span> hope so.<\/p>\n

I also like searching for the meaning behind it all and following random timeliness of occurrence in my life to piece it all together.\u00a0 Especially when something horrific happens.<\/p>\n

It helps me<\/em> on a number of levels.<\/p>\n

I occasionally recommend it even.<\/p>\n

It does have its downfalls though, sometimes (more often then not) I tend to talk too much about things that aren\\’t truly relevant per say. At least not to whomever I\\’m conversing with.\u00a0 Sometimes I do it because to know me, especially if your personally involved with me is to have a base understanding of where I am and more importantly where I\\’ve been<\/em>.\u00a0 Sadly because some of those occurrences shaped me into the person I am now<\/em>.\u00a0 However, I need to keep in mind that sometimes making such statements may in fact hurt other people.\u00a0 Which I have no knowledge of unless its presented forth to me.\u00a0 Which it was recently and I\\’ve been thinking a lot about why I do that.\u00a0 I tried to explain it to someone to help them<\/em> make sense of it all, and to help me<\/em> make some sense of it all as well.<\/p>\n

Then something dawned on me…<\/p>\n

I\\’ve settled far too much in this lifetime.<\/em><\/p>\n

I rather vehemently stated that I refuse to settle anymore except for work.\u00a0 Because regardless of how qualified I am, I still need to pay my rent and even if that means taking a job that doesn\\’t pay me as much as I would like, I can at least take care of basic essential needs.\u00a0 I also found that I settle too much in personal relationships and I have to say that Pete really opened up my eyes in this regard.<\/p>\n

It was a rude awakening. <\/em><\/p>\n

Also shameful, disappointing and several other things but you get the picture.<\/em><\/p>\n

It made me realize that by saying certain things out loud, makes it seem real, but it also helps me sort it out in my head which is a bit of a discombobulated mess more often then not these days.\u00a0 It also made me realize that I have settled too much in this lifetime.\u00a0 My 32nd birthday is looming ahead and I\\’m at the point in my life where I\\’m evolving and changing and\u00a0 so many other things and having realized that I thought to myself WTF, I\\’ve wasted so much of my life!\u00a0 Then I thought to myself, NO its not a\u00a0 waste.<\/p>\n

All those moments made me who I am today.<\/em><\/p>\n

All those moments also make me appreciate what I have now more then ever.<\/p>\n

Especially Pete.<\/em><\/p>\n

Meeting him was a total fluke of epic proportions but it was meant<\/em> to happen.\u00a0 All the douche-bags that came before him make me appreciate him that much more.\u00a0 He\\’s a good person overall.\u00a0 I need<\/span> want more of that in my life.\u00a0 He\\’s not perfect, but almost, at least to me.\u00a0 I couldn\\’t have asked for anything more and I am grateful for that.\u00a0 If anything he\\’s taught me something very valuable that has left and will most likely continue to leave a lasting impression on me.\u00a0 That\\’s a big deal, at least to me.\u00a0 While its somewhat sad in a way that I was so mistreated previous to meeting him that I felt compelled to tell him how awesome he was about every five minutes at the wedding in my drunken stupor, I meant it. Every. Single. Time. Because he is.\u00a0 He\\’s changed me in a few ways, not<\/strong><\/span> because he himself asked me to change, because I pretty much know that he accepts me for who I am.\u00a0 Because I <\/em><\/strong><\/span>wanted to<\/em>, for me and no one else<\/em>.\u00a0 I\\’m quite thankful for that.<\/p>\n

I don\\’t think either of us realized that my inviting him to be my guest to Clint and Jen\\’s wedding was a hidden translation for:\\” Take a ride on the Steph\\’s-about-to-have-an-epic-meltdown-fail-train\\” but in spite of it all that night was a total win in the end.<\/p>\n

It just goes to show you, that you can dress me up, but you can\\’t take me out.\u00a0 That\\’ll learn him now won\\’t it \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n

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I\\’m cautiously optimistic lately.\u00a0 For good reasons of course.\u00a0 May 3rd marked the eighth month of his passing.\u00a0 I got through the first few days thanks to some very awesome people who could have very well saved my life that day & the one\\’s that followed.\u00a0 I got through the first Christmas and recently the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,50,60,41,58,8,47,51],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-907","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-friends","category-ftw","category-good-things","category-awesome","category-mr-almost-perfect","category-ocd-moments","category-there-goes-the-neighbourhood","category-win"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/907","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=907"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/907\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=907"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=907"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/modologyworld.net\/steph\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=907"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}