I read in a book once if you wanted to \\”forgive\\” someone who had passed on to write a letter to them which of obvious reasons you can\\’t send to at them.\u00a0 Its not so much that I don\\’t forgive you; I just have a lot to say I guess.\u00a0 My guilty conscious eating away at me for all those e-mails I never sent to you when you were actually alive to read them.\u00a0 I could make these posts private as you know I\\’m not one to publicly broadcast my pain I choose not to for a few reasons.\u00a0 Not because I want anyone\\’s pity, but maybe this will help someone.\u00a0 Besides its my blog, my domain, my rules! lol<\/p>\n
It still hasn\\’t sunk in yet which is normal I suppose, its only been 4.5 days.\u00a0 I just keep hoping that this is just a horrendous nightmare that I will wake up from and I will come home from work to find an e-mail from you telling me that your alive and well like you did the last time you ran off on me.\u00a0 I\\’m kicking myself in the ass in a way.\u00a0 I knew, I had this feeling and after reading those last e-mails we shared the signs were all there.\u00a0 I know you can\\’t help someone who won\\’t\/can\\’t help themselves.\u00a0 Perhaps you didn\\’t want to, maybe you were too fucking proud to take my suggestion to determine if you were really bi-polar since you told me you were suffering from depression\/anxiety.<\/p>\n
Its a damn good thing you changed the IAM2 dev forums to my server because I didn\\’t have an e-mail address handy for James in my contact list.\u00a0 We hadn\\’t spoken in a while, because we\\’re all so insanely busy.\u00a0 I\\’m just glad that in spite of that fact that it was your death that brought us back together so to speak that he heard it from me.\u00a0 Unlike myself who 1st heard about it via facebook but was too dense to clue in (sorry Carly) and then for some unforeseen reason I went onto Shannon\\’s blog<\/a> and read the news<\/a> there. \u00a0 Shannon of course being ever so tactful didn\\’t say why but deep down I knew.\u00a0 So I emailed him and me not being patient what so ever googled Carlsbad area newspapers and there you were.\u00a0 The latest breaking news story for all the world to see. I wish that you were still here.\u00a0 I missed you before and even more so now.\u00a0 I was ever so hopeful that things would work out and we would rock out our projects and then you could say:\\” Nothing tastes better then the embarrassment of those sure that you would fail\\” (Marilyn Manson).\u00a0 Since you can\\’t I sure as hell can try!\u00a0 I spoke to Daniel today, we both agreed that you can\\’t EVER be replaced but in the same token I still need a \\”business\\” partner in some form or another.\u00a0 Even just to take care of things if I get sick, or go on vacation and he accepted.\u00a0 Fuck!\u00a0 Sorry man, sometimes I have bursts of anger…\u00a0 Modology will go on and eventually somehow, someway so will I but my life and our pet project will never be the same without you.\u00a0 At first I was going to say the hell with it, it wouldn\\’t be the same without you.\u00a0 However James saying that we needed to round up the funds to pull the dreamhost account back into good standing so your legacy could continue so I decided against ditching it.\u00a0 I will do my damnedest to move it all over to my server, its all I have left of you and I refuse to let it go.<\/p>\n People of course are talking a ton of shit and it pains me to read things like this<\/a> and even this<\/a>, you know why it hurts me in one way and its totally BOGUS bullshit in the other way.\u00a0 In the same token however there\\’s been a HUGE outpouring of support and people have been saying some really nice things about you.\u00a0 One comment was especially nice:<\/p>\n I hope no one minds me posting a poem I found a while ago.<\/em><\/p>\n A Memory Hug<\/strong> <\/em> Author Unknown<\/em><\/p>\n Your loss has left a hole in your heart. This poem helps me in some ways about the three members of my family I lost in 2008. I hope it helps those who knew Jason too.\\”<\/em><\/p>\n At times like these I truly wish that there is life after death, because after I\\’m done screaming at you for hurting me and countless others like this for doing what you did to yourself; then I can tell you I love you at least one more time because I do.\u00a0 You were one of the sweetest guys I know and your my everything. \u00a0 I\\’m suffering from tattoo fever again and since I know you wanted another tattoo for the longest time I\\’ll be getting one on your behalf.\u00a0 Not quite sure what you had in mind so I\\’m actually getting two, one for you and one on your behalf to remind me that life is precious. \u00a0 I hope your resting well dear friend, I miss you.<\/p>\n Love Steph<\/p>\n
\nI didn\\’t want to believe that it was you although they said your name.\u00a0 I shouldn\\’t have read those news reports, especially after the fact.\u00a0 I really didn\\’t need to hear about what happened to your lovely face and your brilliant mind.
\nI cry a little less now, although sometimes its still hard.\u00a0 Like when I was talking to Daniel, I couldn\\’t help it when I talked to my mom and James being sweet gave me his number and I honestly can\\’t bear to call him at the moment.<\/p>\n
\nThat never goes away\u2026
\nyou learn to live with it.
\nWith acceptance of the loss and
\nchanges in your life, the pain lessens.
\nEventually memories fill up the space,
\nbut it never goes away.
\nThen, when you least expect it,
\na memory spills out of the hole
\nin your heart and washes
\nyou clean again with tears.
\nThink of it as a Memory Hug<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n