Category Archives: WIN!

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I\’m breaking up with you!

Dear Grief

How have you been doing?  Hanging out, making my life miserable?  Anything else new and exciting?  I just wanted to let you know that we\’re done.  Yep you read that right, its over between you and me.  I have good things in my life and some seriously bitching people as well.  Yet there you are hovering above my sub-conscious mind like the most epic natural disaster waiting to strike someone me dead.

Except I\’m not going to let you.

I\’m tired of you bringing me down.  I don\’t like you, as a matter of fact I can\’t say I ever did.  I don\’t hate anyone or anything.  As a matter of fact I accept that you will turn up in my life once again.  However next time can it be for a reasonable explanation?  Not because one of my friends decided that it was OK to play God and in turn break mine & countless other people\’s hearts.  That would be fabulous.  I hope that isn\’t too much to ask for.

I decided that I want my life back, so you know what?

I\’m going to take it.

Sincerely, Steph

Dear Broken heart,

I think it\’s time you and I had a chat about this whole being broken thing.  It\’s pretty sad when I can say to someone :\”You can\’t break my heart because it\’s already broken.\”  I have a problem with that, not to mention feeling dead inside.  So you along with your friend grief, no longer have a place in my life anymore.  I know you and that bastard grief will team up and invade my life once again.  Possibly you\’ll just show up on your own making me wish that I was a little girl again because:

Skinned knees are easier to heal then a broken heart.

However times have changed and I need to move on.  I\’ve gathered up all the pieces that are left, knowing that it will never look/feel/be the same again.  I have learned to accept this for what it is because there\’s nothing I can do to replace the pieces that were destroyed in your last crusade.  I can however take a long hard look at the pieces that are left and possibly make them resemble something spectacular.  Oh I know that you\’ll come around one day again and destroy my work of art that I have spent the better part of 9 months slaving over.  However in the meantime, I can take what I learned from this whole experience and turn it into something meaningful, special and beautiful.  You can\’t take that away from me.  Even if its only that way to me.  Because really I\’m the only one who matters in this relationship anymore.

I however have news for you; aside from some extreme circumstances I don\’t think that it\’s possible for me to ever hurt that much ever again and I am more then OK with that as a matter of fact.  Because I got through this and even though I totally underestimated the possibility of actually dying from a broken heart, I now fully acknowledge that it is entirely possible.

Only if you let it.

I however can\’t let you do that, so this is where you and I part ways.  We are done and when the time comes that you and I shall meet again I might not be ready and I sure as hell won\’t be waiting but I\’ll know deep down that somewhere, somehow I\’ll make it through and come out on top.  Somewhere, somehow I will find the strength.  I can\’t let you defeat me, it\’s a matter of principal really.

Drop dead.

Love, Steph.

Dear people in my life who suck,

I guess I should \”man up\” and tell you all of this separately face to face but that takes too much time and effort.  You see I\’m busy trying to live again.  Refer to Dear Grief, Dear Broken heart if you don\’t understand this statement.

Quite simply, you have proven to me that you have no place in my life anymore.  That\’s right your actions or lack thereof have brought you to this point.  It\’s really not anything personal, I just decided to do a clean sweep.  You see after September 3rd 2009 my life changed drastically.  You weren\’t there for me when I needed someone the most.  Perhaps what I went through scared the shit out of you, that\’s fine.

Try living through it.

I have since discovered that the people who belong in my life are the one\’s who will let me indulge in my tears and offer me their shoulder to cry on.  The one\’s who wouldn\’t let me sit on my ass at home and cry because they were too worried to leave me alone and out of their sight.  I\’m glad they did, those days were some of the happiest times I have ever had and I\’ll cherish them.  The people who stuck by me as I slugged through the worst period of my life and didn\’t run off because I had far too much emotional baggage yet they still recognized that I had space left for them in my life regardless.  The one\’s who reminded me and continue to remind me that Rome wasn\’t built in a day, who wholly support my foundation to honour the passing of one of the most selfless people I have ever had the privilege to know.

The people who encouraged me when I said I was breaking up with grief, the people who told me that it was still \”new\”/hadn\’t been that long and it was OK to cry, scream and yell.

Those people are the people I want in my life.  People who in spite of myself somehow love me to pieces even when I know personally that I\’m a hard person to love, even the one\’s that don\’t; I still know that they\’ll stand by me and care.  Which is exactly what I need the most.

Which is why we are done now.  I\’m sorry it had to be this way, however actions will always speak louder then words to me.  Its been your actions that led me to this decision and I\’m not sorry that I had to let you go because you were sadly just weighing me down.  I hope you understand that I refuse to drown.

Here\’s to no more failing in life,

Steph

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Maybe its a good thing?

I\’m cautiously optimistic lately.  For good reasons of course.  May 3rd marked the eighth month of his passing.  I got through the first few days thanks to some very awesome people who could have very well saved my life that day & the one\’s that followed.  I got through the first Christmas and recently the first, not to mention milestone birthday.  Most importantly I got through the past eight months and survived.   Death hurts, not matter which way you look at it, who it happens to.  We all deal with it differently, we all feel pain on different levels.  People are like snowflakes, unique and very much one of a kind.  We all feel the same emotions, except  on different levels at different times.  We all also deal with them differently as well.  I find that we all tend to loose sight of that when dealing with something.  How often have you heard/said \”If that was me…\” OK I\’ll give you that, however we also need to keep in mind that we don\’t all think alike.

Death by suicide?

That\’s a whole different animal right there.

There\’s no answer\’s, only speculation.  Guilt.  Selfish thoughts such as wasn\’t I good enough to live for, or my own personal favorite, why didn\’t I try harder to save you?  I know now that I couldn\’t (save him),but part of me wishes that I tried just a little harder for a little longer.  I might have had him for a little longer, as selfish as that is.

So many questions and there\’s never a proper answer.  Then I got it.  The days leading up to his birthday were some of the darkest I have ever experienced.  Simply put, I didn\’t care.  To say I felt dead inside was putting it mildly.  Why should I feel that way?  I have some of the best people in my life that a girl could ever ask for, a career, my own business, I\’m starting a charity and have a whole new perspective on life.  Except for that brief period…

None of it mattered.  Not a single thing.

Can\’t really explain it, nor rationalize it other then I got it.  Jason\’s death made sense to me.  Kinda.  Maybe that was what I needed to feel in order to make sense of it all.  To gain a better understanding of his thoughts and feelings.  I stopped blaming myself a long time ago, the guilt has finally started to ebb away.  Maybe I\’ve finally reached the stage of reconstruction/working through and acceptance?  Who knows, only time in and of itself will truly tell.

For a lot of reasons, Jason\’s death was a major turning point in my life.  I learned a lot about myself, the capacity of just how strong I could be, needed to be to get through this and have some semblance of normalcy in my life.  The biggest kick in the proverbial ass was looking at my life, the things I have done and what made me UN-happy and took some major personal inventory about the things that I didn\’t need or want in my life.  Certain people needed to go, a career change and the burning need to make a difference.  I have however come to the conclusion that I need to work on me first before I can conquer helping others.  Because when your not feeling \”normal\” then how on earth can one expect to help others with the same pain/issues/emotional turmoil.    A lot of what has occurred goes back to his death, I almost feel like I\’m borderline obsessing about it because I have OCD and tend to take just about everything over the top sometimes.

Its been a long ugly road, full of some serious uphill battles, personal reflection and so many questions.  I never lost sight of a bigger picture, except I didn\’t really know what to expect of that, because I had a hard time seeing it.  So many things got put on hold because I just didn\’t couldn\’t see it.  Then things started to happen, things that I didn\’t expect to happen.

Him.

(by him I mean Pete for those of you not in the know)

Somehow he managed to restore some of the damaged faith I had in myself and others.  I honestly didn\’t think I had the capacity, the want, the need or the know how to give a damn about someone new.  Turns out I was wrong, delightfully so.

However, not everything was is shiny & pretty with cupcakes, kittens and unicorns.

He changed me…

Now that\’s not a bad thing, it has however been quite the learning experience.  We\’ve talked about it a few times and while I am not going to write about what he said/did because its not my place to do so.  I had one hell of a epiphany the other day at my friends wedding no less (of all places) dear God!  Between the stress of making their wedding cake, the sleep deprivation,  working amongst all that will make any sane person crazy on some level.  Top that off with too many margarita\’s, allergy pills, anti-inflammatory meds, just trying to deal and occasionally feeling like the walking wounded, I had a sneaking suspicion that I was about knew I was going to have an epic meltdown and it was going to happen sooner as opposed to later.  I kept my cool when the cake wasn\’t working out the way we wanted to, when all that hard work & materials totally went to waste.  I didn\’t freak out once, which for me was likely a record.  Chef\’s are notorious for being emotionally UN-stable/passionate people when it comes to their food and I am certainly not an exception to that rule.

Then the wedding happened.

Which was great, but I\’ll save that post for another day.  This isn\’t about the wedding, more so what happened (to me) at it.

A very minor incident occurred which under normal circumstances wouldn\’t have bothered me for more then about 30 seconds but to pile that on top of everything else, something inside me snapped.  I tried to rationalize it in my mind, but in my drunken state it was just beyond me to do so.  My panties got in the biggest knot and I felt the need to say something about it.  Not the right time, certainly not the right place either.  I did however know that if I squashed it and left it attempted to leave it for another day, or just a better time I just might have totally exploded.  It was petty, so ridiculously petty.  Not to mention something that wasn\’t worth making a fuss over, however I just seemingly couldn\’t help myself (of course).  So I said what needed to be said and thought it best to let it go.

However it was far from being that simple.

Of course.

It however turned out to be a good thing in the end.

After all, everything happens for a reason right?

I like to think hope so.

I also like searching for the meaning behind it all and following random timeliness of occurrence in my life to piece it all together.  Especially when something horrific happens.

It helps me on a number of levels.

I occasionally recommend it even.

It does have its downfalls though, sometimes (more often then not) I tend to talk too much about things that aren\’t truly relevant per say. At least not to whomever I\’m conversing with.  Sometimes I do it because to know me, especially if your personally involved with me is to have a base understanding of where I am and more importantly where I\’ve been.  Sadly because some of those occurrences shaped me into the person I am now.  However, I need to keep in mind that sometimes making such statements may in fact hurt other people.  Which I have no knowledge of unless its presented forth to me.  Which it was recently and I\’ve been thinking a lot about why I do that.  I tried to explain it to someone to help them make sense of it all, and to help me make some sense of it all as well.

Then something dawned on me…

I\’ve settled far too much in this lifetime.

I rather vehemently stated that I refuse to settle anymore except for work.  Because regardless of how qualified I am, I still need to pay my rent and even if that means taking a job that doesn\’t pay me as much as I would like, I can at least take care of basic essential needs.  I also found that I settle too much in personal relationships and I have to say that Pete really opened up my eyes in this regard.

It was a rude awakening.

Also shameful, disappointing and several other things but you get the picture.

It made me realize that by saying certain things out loud, makes it seem real, but it also helps me sort it out in my head which is a bit of a discombobulated mess more often then not these days.  It also made me realize that I have settled too much in this lifetime.  My 32nd birthday is looming ahead and I\’m at the point in my life where I\’m evolving and changing and  so many other things and having realized that I thought to myself WTF, I\’ve wasted so much of my life!  Then I thought to myself, NO its not a  waste.

All those moments made me who I am today.

All those moments also make me appreciate what I have now more then ever.

Especially Pete.

Meeting him was a total fluke of epic proportions but it was meant to happen.  All the douche-bags that came before him make me appreciate him that much more.  He\’s a good person overall.  I need want more of that in my life.  He\’s not perfect, but almost, at least to me.  I couldn\’t have asked for anything more and I am grateful for that.  If anything he\’s taught me something very valuable that has left and will most likely continue to leave a lasting impression on me.  That\’s a big deal, at least to me.  While its somewhat sad in a way that I was so mistreated previous to meeting him that I felt compelled to tell him how awesome he was about every five minutes at the wedding in my drunken stupor, I meant it. Every. Single. Time. Because he is.  He\’s changed me in a few ways, not because he himself asked me to change, because I pretty much know that he accepts me for who I am.  Because I wanted to, for me and no one else.  I\’m quite thankful for that.

I don\’t think either of us realized that my inviting him to be my guest to Clint and Jen\’s wedding was a hidden translation for:\” Take a ride on the Steph\’s-about-to-have-an-epic-meltdown-fail-train\” but in spite of it all that night was a total win in the end.

It just goes to show you, that you can dress me up, but you can\’t take me out.  That\’ll learn him now won\’t it 😉

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Yeah but its MY labia!

I know, I know I\’m talking about vag again.  This time however its not mine, its someone Else\’s.  While I do maintain a somewhat active role in the \”modification community\” at large, my participation has lessened quite a bit.  Unless of course I am talking about my own work.  After all, it is my blog.  I also try to avoid drama at all costs, but like I said to Mr. A.P. last night:\” I don\’t seek out drama, but I seem to attract quite a bit of it\”.  Which is why I was debating writing this post at all, however seeing as how I choose to comment on Ania\’s mod related blog I guess I somewhat brought some of that drama into my life?  Anyway, it all started with this.  Now I could link endlessly to the pissing contest that has ensued since then, however I honestly can not and will not be bothered.  However I do feel compelled to share my $5.00 on the topic of how much is too much?

In terms of body modification that is.

I misunderstood Russ Foxx\’s quote \” But most doctors won\’t perform these types of procedures, said Russ Foxx, a body-modification specialist in Vancouver. \”That leaves us in a predicament. Who do I go to?\” he said.  Foxx said he learns how to perform procedures from talking to veteran practitioners, reading books and traveling to conventions.\”  Whereas I commented on Ania\’s blog that I call bullshit because most plastic surgeons will in fact perform cosmetic surgery on one\’s vag.  Ear pointing, tongue splitting (and so on) not so much.  I get that, as in the whole where do I go? Because like most of the educated modified people I know personally do an insane amount of research before progressing with anything regardless of whether or not its deemed \”experimental\” , high risk or whatever or not.  If you are modified, then you can understand/comprehend and relate to this.  Essentially, its what makes US happy at the end of the day.  We do it because we want to, for a number of reasons.  The bottom line is this: If you want something/anything bad enough you will seek it out actively until you get.  Some of us will spare no expense or take ridiculous risks and some of us will take the time to seek out a trusting, educated individual to preform the work we seek.  Tattoos, piercings, scars whatever.

However there is also a lot of stupid people out there as well.  I can\’t help but agree with Steve Peace to a degree when he said:\” Where do you stop?  I\’m a tattoo artist, not a Dr.\” OK fine, I\’ll give you that.  If it bothers you that much, then by all means stick with tattooing then.  I also agree that there IS in fact a lot of people who claim to know what the hell they\’re doing (they don\’t) and I for one know of a few people who really don\’t have the training or the skills to be pulling off a lot of what they do.  Yes a labia reduction, ear pointing, tongue splitting to name a few do fall under the surgical category.  Most modification artists aren\’t Dr.\’s of any shape or form, however its not as if she went in for breast implants either.  OK slightly contradictory yes, however regardless of whether its a Dr, your best friend, your tattoo artist or some dirt-bag in a back alley doing your stuff the risk factor is always there.  How high that risk factor is really depends on what your getting done and how controlled the environment that your in is as well.  Not to mention the cost factor as well.  I was told by her that she was quoted 4 grand by a surgeon, that\’s a lot of coin to make your vag look nice to your satisfaction.  Some people are willing to spend that kind of money, others not so much.  Some people can\’t simply find someone they trust enough that\’s a professional surgeon to do the work or whatever the reasons are.  Wether you are getting plastic surgery or a tattoo, you\’re altering the way your body looks forever.

I happen to know of said person in question.  I\’ve never met her personally, however I am quite familiar with and totally support her shop.  I\’m from Ontario and spent a lot of time in Guelph so maybe my loyalty stems from that.  In any case  I am however also a woman & I can totally relate to looking at certain body parts and loathing their overall appearance in general.  I personally tattoo them.  I was dead against getting my sleeves started until my arms were more toned.  Then I said fuck it, now I\’m sporting some awesome in progress sleeves.  Why?  Because to me its taking something you deem \”ugly\” and turning it into something beautiful.  I also have my pubic mound tattooed, not entirely for the same reasons mind you, but I get it.

Now for ME personally, I don\’t have the proverbial balls do get my vag that modified as in a surgical manner.  Christ I had a hard enough time  getting my VCH done!  Never mind someone toying with my bits with a scalpel (I am shuddering inwardly, as is my vag).  However, this individual had the guts, the research, not to mention a trusted individual on hand to go through with getting it done.  I can admire that and you know I am rather curious about the whole procedure as whole just because I\’m a curious person.

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Disjointed fragments

memory is a funny thing.  My heightened level of exhaustion is truly screwing with my mind more often then not it would seem.  There\’s things I want to remember because they\’re just beyond hilarious and I seem to forget them and then come back to them.  Sometimes I wish I could videotape my life so I can look back on it and laugh.  Laughter is a wonderful thing.  Memories fade and its usually the good ones I find.  As I was having my most enchanted evening with him, something he said triggered a long forgotten moment in what I refer to as my old life.  It was a surreal trip down memory lane & I wasn\’t quite sure how I felt about that.  He felt bad (no need to), as my beautiful friend Carly referenced:\”you are only as sick as your secrets\”.

Fuck. I. have. a. lot. of. secrets.

Some of which I share (rendering them a secret no more), some I keep to myself.  As much as I didn\’t don\’t want him to feel bad, it totally dawned on me that there was something semi huge that I shared on here and not with him.  I meant to & somehow I totally forgot & for that, I\’m sorry.  I guess now that the moment is over (thankfully)/crisis averted there was no need to bring it up.  However had things not been so damn crazy for either of us (seriously I tried to wash my hands with toothpaste the other day, don\’t ask) I\’m quite certain I would have mentioned it.  Because he had the right to know and still does.  What a kick to the balls to read it on here and not hear it from me.  Yeah that\’s pretty damn low.  Pending of course he reads my blog at all.  Anyway, back to that whole memory thing.  It was strange because it took me back to a place that I hadn\’t visited in so long.  It didn\’t bother me, it just made me feel unsettled for a while I guess.  I did put a positive spin on it because there is one.  Although I will always wonder what I would have been like had that not happened.

I\’m obviously not destined to know.  We all have our scars & that part of my life is my cross to bear and I feel for the most part I bear it pretty well.  I lived it, learned from it and became whom I am today because of it.  I like me most of the time.  I don\’t like talking about it because of the emotions it evokes in other people.  I personally have moved on, I can\’t & won\’t forget what happened but it made me stronger in the end.  Which in a way I am thankful for.  I don\’t however want to hurt him with that story.  Disjointed fragments come out now & then; he\’s not stupid (he\’s actually too smart for his own damn good) I like love that about him.  However I know first hand how hearing about that hurts some people and evokes the general reactions of anger/sympathy/pity and a slew of others that I would rather not do.  Like he said \”we all have issues\” which we most certainly do.  However I personally think its all in how you deal with them in the end.  Do you learn from them, embrace them as a period of growth or do you react like some people I know and surround yourself with it like a shroud and use it as a shield?  Or more accurately [use it] as an excuse for how messed up you think your life is?  There\’s something to be said about letting go and for the most part I have.  It changed me on a number of levels, some of which I don\’t particularly care for personally.  I have however made my proverbial bed and while I did lie in it for a while, I have since exchanged it for a new & improved model.  Mostly.

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