Depression, a boy & his puppy, oh and art.

“Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” – Jean Kerr

Couldn’t have said it better myself.  Which is precisely the feeling I’ve had pretty much all of last week.  As in, I hope this goes away, you know like yesterday?  So its been

7 months  25 days ago

33 weeks  6 days ago

237 days ago

169 weekdays ago

0.65 years ago
Since Jason died, but hey, who’s keeping track?  Most days I’m pretty much OK.  Wed April 21st? Not such an OK day, nor were the days leading up to it either.  As a matter of fact, those (the days leading to) were the worst.  A few years ago Jason asked me what it was like to be 30.  I simply & honestly replied “Dude the first 6 months of being 30 were the best 6 months of my life” and they were.  On. So. Many. Levels.  He replied with something to the effect of:”I hope mine is just as good, gives me something to aim for/look forward to.  Except Jason didn’t make it to be thirty years old.  Wed April 21st 2010 was Jason’s 30th birthday.  That was a hard day.  A dark day if you will.  That whole week?  Hello depression!
I shut pretty much everyone out, I really didn’t bother to correspond with anyone if I could help it and it sucked balls.  I’m not going to lie.  You see, I had a conversation with someone not so long ago that sounded a little something like this:
Them:”I don’t ever say I’m depressed, just “sad”.
Me: “See, that pisses me off.”
Me: “Because I am SO sick of the stigma around depression!  Sometimes you get depressed briefly, usually after a period of grief, its very common.  Also depression is a disease that affects so many people and those people sometimes don’t get help because of statements like that!  Either they’re afraid of the “social stigma” or too embarrassed or something along those lines. “
Them: “Well since you put it that way, you have a point”
I at least like to think that I do…
Jason was a diagnosed manic depressive.  It made him suicidal.  Hence my burning desire to start Jason’s memorial foundation.  These people who are suffering either briefly, or for the long term need to know that we are NOT afraid of how they feel!  Its human instinct to try and “make someone feel better” however I now know that its impossible.  Support them? Yes!  Make them feel as if they’re less alone? Absolutely!  However “feeling better” in its truest form takes time, love, support and a whole lot of patience.  I hit an all time low last week that scared the shit out of me.  Not suicidal low, just OMG I haven’t ever felt this “dark” inside in my entire life and it freaked me out.  I sought immediate help.  After doing a quick Google search I found  GROWW: Grief recovery online while this site is a bit of a pain in the ass to navigate, it was well worth the effort.

Random stuff

that really makes you think.  I have lots to post about, however its been a really rough week so I’ll save it for another day.

However I shall leave you with this. I’m not one for ad campaigns but there’s something about this one that’s so beautifully done its well worth the watch!

Also this was posted on twitter via the lovely Tracey, Ms. Grumble Girl herself  and *I* happen to think that its amazing!

2009 was a rough year (for me, it was by & large the worst year of my entire life!)  View the images, read the stories and if that somehow doesn’t move you in some way, then I think your truly dead inside.


Jesus Christ can I ever get a break? Having to divulge my “dirty laundry” to my boss was one thing (more on that in a minute) discovering I have allergies from hell? That’s taking it to a whole NEW kind of low. I rarely have allergic reactions to anything. My sister is deathly allergic to bee’s, to the point that she has to carry an epi pen. Let me tell you, the thought of stabbing myself in the thigh with anything, much less a needle holds 0 appeal. In any case I pretty much know when I have an allergic reaction coming on and what things to avoid now. Such as this which sucks balls because Tiramisu is my favorite thing of all time!  In spite of the fact from eating that particular brand I almost died.  Brought on by Anaphylactic shock .  Me being rather ignorant about food allergies at the time, didn’t realize how foolhardy I was being.  So lucky me I am not only blessed with asthma but anaphylaxis too.

So enter Sunday, had plans with him to do stuff and as soon as I got out of the shower, I felt my ears and neck start to burn and itch (first sign of a reaction for me) as soon as I got into my room and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why.   While I know allergies can creep up out of no-where, especially in the event that you introduce yourself to something new.  However nothing was “new” the food I had consumed that day were old favorites of mine, the shower items I used were also favorites of mine.   It wasn’t until I was waiting for him to come pick me up that I knew I was going into mild anapylatic shock from something.  I was eating ice cream & watching TV when the back of my throat started to itch and swell.  Not in a OMFGIMGOINGTOSTOPBREATHINGANYSECOND now kind of way, more so in a dammit I’ve been down this road before and I was hoping not to return kind of way.

So I took one of his allergy pills “just in case“, told him what was going on and made sure I had my health care card on my person as well.  I didn’t feel right, but I thought it, whatever it was, would pass.  I was wrong, dead wrong!

The following day when I woke up, I was about 5 mins away from work and all of a sudden, that God awful feeling came back.  Then the hives came, OMFG I HATE HIVES!  Polite society doesn’t deem it appropriate to scratch your ass in public and let me tell you, that huge hive on my left butt cheek was begging for attention.  Yeah I know scratching them only makes them worse.  Thankfully these seem to be pretty localized to a few hidden locations.  Unlike the last time when those suckers sprouted up all over my entire body.  You’ve never experienced hives to the fullest extent until you have them between your toes, in your mouth and well every nook, cranky & crevice you body has to offer.

So I’ve been breaking out at random now.  On the way to work, taking the metro to and from work (only during certain times of the day mind you) so the variables are rather huge.  I did a spot test on the inside of my elbow for the perfume I’ve been wearing and my laundry soap as well to rule them out and so far so good.  So now to rule out a few other things, although I think its environmental.  Mostly because it comes on and out, out of no-where!  So its either seasonal or my cats are the culprits.  Either of which would suck since allergy meds make me pretty damn drowsy.  I want to sleep. Right. Now. kinda drowsy so I can’t take them in the “real world” and expect to function normally.

Could be stress…

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Yeah but its MY labia!

I know, I know I’m talking about vag again.  This time however its not mine, its someone Else’s.  While I do maintain a somewhat active role in the “modification community” at large, my participation has lessened quite a bit.  Unless of course I am talking about my own work.  After all, it is my blog.  I also try to avoid drama at all costs, but like I said to Mr. A.P. last night:” I don’t seek out drama, but I seem to attract quite a bit of it”.  Which is why I was debating writing this post at all, however seeing as how I choose to comment on Ania’s mod related blog I guess I somewhat brought some of that drama into my life?  Anyway, it all started with this.  Now I could link endlessly to the pissing contest that has ensued since then, however I honestly can not and will not be bothered.  However I do feel compelled to share my $5.00 on the topic of how much is too much?

In terms of body modification that is.

I misunderstood Russ Foxx’s quote ” But most doctors won’t perform these types of procedures, said Russ Foxx, a body-modification specialist in Vancouver. “That leaves us in a predicament. Who do I go to?” he said.  Foxx said he learns how to perform procedures from talking to veteran practitioners, reading books and traveling to conventions.”  Whereas I commented on Ania’s blog that I call bullshit because most plastic surgeons will in fact perform cosmetic surgery on one’s vag.  Ear pointing, tongue splitting (and so on) not so much.  I get that, as in the whole where do I go? Because like most of the educated modified people I know personally do an insane amount of research before progressing with anything regardless of whether or not its deemed “experimental” , high risk or whatever or not.  If you are modified, then you can understand/comprehend and relate to this.  Essentially, its what makes US happy at the end of the day.  We do it because we want to, for a number of reasons.  The bottom line is this: If you want something/anything bad enough you will seek it out actively until you get.  Some of us will spare no expense or take ridiculous risks and some of us will take the time to seek out a trusting, educated individual to preform the work we seek.  Tattoos, piercings, scars whatever.

However there is also a lot of stupid people out there as well.  I can’t help but agree with Steve Peace to a degree when he said:” Where do you stop?  I’m a tattoo artist, not a Dr.” OK fine, I’ll give you that.  If it bothers you that much, then by all means stick with tattooing then.  I also agree that there IS in fact a lot of people who claim to know what the hell they’re doing (they don’t) and I for one know of a few people who really don’t have the training or the skills to be pulling off a lot of what they do.  Yes a labia reduction, ear pointing, tongue splitting to name a few do fall under the surgical category.  Most modification artists aren’t Dr.’s of any shape or form, however its not as if she went in for breast implants either.  OK slightly contradictory yes, however regardless of whether its a Dr, your best friend, your tattoo artist or some dirt-bag in a back alley doing your stuff the risk factor is always there.  How high that risk factor is really depends on what your getting done and how controlled the environment that your in is as well.  Not to mention the cost factor as well.  I was told by her that she was quoted 4 grand by a surgeon, that’s a lot of coin to make your vag look nice to your satisfaction.  Some people are willing to spend that kind of money, others not so much.  Some people can’t simply find someone they trust enough that’s a professional surgeon to do the work or whatever the reasons are.  Wether you are getting plastic surgery or a tattoo, you’re altering the way your body looks forever.

I happen to know of said person in question.  I’ve never met her personally, however I am quite familiar with and totally support her shop.  I’m from Ontario and spent a lot of time in Guelph so maybe my loyalty stems from that.  In any case  I am however also a woman & I can totally relate to looking at certain body parts and loathing their overall appearance in general.  I personally tattoo them.  I was dead against getting my sleeves started until my arms were more toned.  Then I said fuck it, now I’m sporting some awesome in progress sleeves.  Why?  Because to me its taking something you deem “ugly” and turning it into something beautiful.  I also have my pubic mound tattooed, not entirely for the same reasons mind you, but I get it.

Now for ME personally, I don’t have the proverbial balls do get my vag that modified as in a surgical manner.  Christ I had a hard enough time  getting my VCH done!  Never mind someone toying with my bits with a scalpel (I am shuddering inwardly, as is my vag).  However, this individual had the guts, the research, not to mention a trusted individual on hand to go through with getting it done.  I can admire that and you know I am rather curious about the whole procedure as whole just because I’m a curious person.

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