OSIS & books

I feel like I’ve given birth and ran a marathon simultaneously.  Pete told me on the evening of the 18th to take a break.  Break?  Quel est ce mot pause, il parle de?  So I checked out Merriam & Webster’s definition of the word break and I’m still not sure what he’s getting at?  Does he want me to break someone’s arm?  Perhaps his?  Perhaps his face?

Not that I would, he’s too cute.  Although I have thought about it 😉

Anyway moving along…  I wrote a book as you all know and after some major hurdles, mishaps, yelling, screaming, trips in the rain and making my visa bleed…  It’s here!  My publisher is nothing short of awesome!  She went above and beyond my expectations and my book looks wonderful.  I haven’t had time to actually sit down and absorb the fact that I am in fact an author.  It’s still really hard for me to believe.    *note to self, if you ever write another one, don’t give yourself the most tightest deadline known to man!* I’m going to re-design her website for her, I’m good like that.  I’m going to post a video about my book soon, since it’s far more interesting then writing about it.  Then you can buy one!

No seriously,  everyone should own one!  Except printing is limited to a mere 43 copies so only a few people will be privileged enough to own a signed and numbered copy.  Because I’m special like that!  It’s also for charity, so karma points kids!  Think about karma!

So yeah I wrote a book and in midst of writing said book I was busy fund-raising for  IAMAlive more so for moi to help offset the $250.00 (USD) training costs.  Through the generosity of  a few of my friends and a scholarship I was able to start training.  Said training, offered in conjunction with Eastern Washington University, more specifically the QPR institute leads to 30 university credits, 40 hours of accreditation and most importantly Online Suicide Intervention Specialist certification.  That very generous scholarship did however come with a couple strings.  One of them being that I had to complete my training by no later then December 1st.  The upside to that is if I’m one of the first 100 people to complete it, then I will be recognized as one of the founding volunteers.  Which is pretty awesome!  I don’t know if that applies to me or not so I’m not going to get too excited or say much about it until then.

It was a long hard road to get my book out on time and throw in university at the same time.  Completing this course, while exuberant for me on one level, left me and still has me quite sad  on another.  During the gatekeeper portion of my training, there’s a video in it that says something to the effect of:” If you have lost someone you love to suicide, we acknowledge your loss and give our sympathy to you.  However don’t feel too bad if you couldn’t save them, because you didn’t have the proper training!”

Really?   I know you didn’t just say that you arrogant bastard!

Everyday hero’s aren’t always Dr’s or police officers or whatever.  Sometimes when a person has given up all hope, it’s amazing what kind words from a person can do.  Kevin H, who is one of the survivors  of the Golden Gate bridge recalls how all he wanted was for someone to care that day he choose to jump.  After being passed by two bridge workers and a police officer oblivious to his tears a woman had stopped him and he thought to himself, finally someone cares!  Turns out she was a tourist who only wanted her picture taken.  Who knows what would have happened had she had stopped and said hey, is everything OK?  Long story short, it’s amazing how much a small token of caring can make a world of difference.  You can read Kevin’s story here, it’s nothing short of amazing.

I’ve sat through hours of lectures, read a couple books on the subject through the course of my training.  One of them being Suicide the forever decision.  Which you can download or read online.  It’s not a long read, nor full of technical jargon that the average person can’t understand.  Everyone should read it, even if they’re not nor have ever been suicidal.

Jason’s picture hangs on my wall right above my desk.  I just need to glance up and there he is.  Which turned out to be a good thing as I sat there and listened to my prof drone on and on and I was trying not to fall asleep and fighting the urge to say screw it; then I would look up and remind myself of the number one reason why I’m doing this.

I’m doing it for him.

I’m doing it in the hopes that I can spare another family the pain and soul sucking heartache of loosing a loved one to suicide.  Part of me will always wonder if this was in place years ago if it would have made a difference, if I had in fact had this training previously could I have saved him?

I’ll never know the answer to that and because of that I try hard not to dwell on it.  Although I know myself well enough to know that part of me, in the back of my mind will always wonder if it would have made a difference.  Don’t ever be afraid to reach out and help someone, even if it’s a complete stranger.  You just might be the one person that makes all the difference, simply by caring.

A note to my 16 year old self…

I’ve read several, rather poignant blog posts by people who wrote letters to the sixteen year old selves.  Kind of brings to mind: If I knew then, what I know now, right?

Well I thought about this long and hard and what, given the opportunity, I would say to myself back then.

A lot of people reflected upon a lot of things.  Relationships and their overall appearance taking the top two places.

My past is somewhat sketchy, full of a lot of turmoil, angst, sex, drugs, alcohol and a ton of other things that gave my mother gray hair, a friend of mine a reason to say I told you so and lots of other people to reflect that they didn’t know and had they known they would have done something.  Except there’s a reason they didn’t know.

I chose not to tell them.

Very much like I’m choosing not to tell you or anyone else now either at this moment.


Because it makes people in my life and even the ones who are not, emotionally unstable.  It brings forth pity, sympathy, looks of shock and wide eyed horror among other things.  I don’t need that, certainly don’t want it and neither do you.


As I reflect upon my life which is something I’ve been doing a lot of lately; I do wonder what life would have been like had I taken a different route, not dated the same boy for seven years of my life that were the most crucial of my growing up (15-22), not met some of the people I have and done some of the things that I have done.  What if I had gone right instead of left or vice versa?

Not that I did either of those things, I took an ATV and created my own path.

So I wonder to myself, what if I had taken a different path?  Would I be the same person that I am now?  What would I have been like had I gone a different way?  I’ll never know, what I do know now however is that if I was to meet my 16 year old self now at the age of 32 I would tell myself this:

  • You’re going to fuck up a lot and drive your mother insane with having to save your ass.  She will however because she loves you and someday you will appreciate that in a way you can’t grasp now and she’ll be your best-est friend, your biggest ally and be really, really proud of the person you’re going to become.
  • Your stubborn, ornery ways will eventually pay off.
  • Everything happens for a reason, so live it up, make mistakes (you will learn from them), take really ridiculous chances and love every damn minute of it.  They’re the best years of your life, but the really good stuff is yet to come!
  • Everything that you’re about to go through will be worth it, someday.
  • Your going to accomplish some really, truly amazing things that are going to blow your own mind and everyone Else’s too while you’re at it.

A lot of people ask me if I have any regrets or if I could do it all over again would I?

You know what?

I wouldn’t change a damn thing.

Sounds insane to the people who know me, but in retrospect it got me to the here and now.  17 years later after all of the shit I’ve been through I’m proud of the person I am, I love me for who I am and I accept me for who I am because:

That’s who I am supposed to be.

Book details!

OK so as many of you know, I have a book already published through blurb.  Which is grossly over-priced and VERY inconsistent with their printing so needless to say, I’m NOT happy!

I found a fabulous independent, not  for profit publisher through a co-worker in North Bay ON.  Who’s offering me a MUCH better book at a FAR more reasonable price!  So here’s the details that your all dying to know:

It’s 8.5 x11″ (my old one was 6.25×6.25)

It’s spiral bound so it will lay flat and co-operate more then my old book which was perfect bound (as in all the pages are glued into the spine, not ideal for a cook book)

It has over 200, yes that’s TWO hundred plus recipes inside.  Including: Appetizers & finger foods, soups, salads, comfort food & mains, desserts, cakes, cookies, Darcy’s delectables, drinks, marinades, dressings, vinaigrette’s, biscuits, dough and more!

Lots of full color images

It’s printed on premium, card stock paper so it’s far more durable!

It’s for charity!  My foundation at that in case you were wondering.

Fun food facts, substitutions, definitions, conversion charts and related things.

It’s practical!  Everything in the book you can find at most local grocery stores without having to go to some gourmet store and pay out the ass for some foreign spice you’ve never heard of let alone tasted or something narsty like squid ink.  (No thanks!)

Some delightful smart-ass commentary from yours truly!

All copies will be autographed (which can be personalized for you) and each book is a numbered, limited edition book!

I’m not going with a huge publishing company that will sell on my behalf or anything like that.  So this book will NOT be sold in stores, if there’s copies left over, I might try and sell them on Amazon since I will have an ISBN number.

The cost for each book is $25.00 CAD.  Plus the cost of shipping should you require it.  As much as I would love to hand out free copies to everyone *I* pay for this book too, hell even I don’t get a free copy and while she’s VERY reasonable it’s not feasible or affordable enough for me to do so.  Trust me when I say that I’m not making a killing off of them, because I assure you I am not.

I would have to sell them for considerably more ($30-35.00 each) to make any real money.  This is just a side project I did because I could and I don’t feel that it’s right to ass rape people for a crappy book full of pretty pictures and little to no use-able content.  I would sell it for cost, however it’s for my charity to raise money for our not for profit status and some of it will be going directly to suicide related not for profit foundations as well.

Here’s a shot of the cover!


So if you don’t live in Montreal and would like a copy, please e-mail ASAP so we can work out payment details and I will have it shipped in time for Christmas!  I Do have a pay-pal account, accept money transfers and if those methods don’t work, we can discuss it!

Random updates!

I’m too stressed out and far too distracted to write a “real” entry.  Although I have been a bit of a slacker so let me fill you in super quick!

I’m still fighting with the post office.

I went to CHOM‘S uber exclusive, invitation only Hell-O-Ween party which was freaking awesome!  I’ll add some of my own images in a minute.

I got my butt tattooed!  A super cute Halloween themed Dracula type bat on my right cheek.  I WILL have pictures when it’s healed.  Because I know you all want to see it.

My friend Paul is getting MARRIED!  To a super hot cop none the less!  YAY for gay marriages being legal in Canada!  I bought him this book that Tracy mentioned and as Paul pointed out, it didn’t work 😉  We got a pretty good laugh out of that one!

Although in not so happy news, I feel like I’m playing where’s Pete?  You know the real life version of Where’s Waldo? Except the person your searching for isn’t named Waldo.  I’m getting kind of worried…  We had dinner plans on Friday that were canceled out due to Pete having some personal distress.  So we settled on Sunday instead, I said I would text him while I was getting my butt tattooed and we would settle on a time.  Except I haven’t heard from him since. 🙁

Which is rather un-usual since it’s not like him to miss dinner, least of all one of my dinners.

Awesome dinner that Pete missed...

It’s not like I keep tabs on him, because I don’t.  We each have our own lives.  Except that it’s like he’s dropped off the face of the planet and you know the thought of filling a missing persons report actually has crossed my mind.  As neurotic as that sounds, I am starting to worry about him. A lot.  It’s making me break out in hives 🙁

Halloween was pretty epic!  Check it out: