Please pass the eye bleach…

Before I totally ruin your day/appetite allow me to introduce you to the new man in my life  🙂  His name is Shamrock, he’s pretty awesome & I only have him for a limited time.  This adorable bundle of cute was surrendered by his owner who moved to Singapore for 5 years and couldn’t afford the 10 grand (yes, ten thousand dollars) to have him tag along.  After having Anna step in and save him literally hours from being gassed, he’s a pretty happy boy:


Handsome little man isn’t he?  He smiles like that ALL the time.  I do adore him & he’s cute/funny/sweet company but sadly I can’t offer him the kind of home that he needs for the long term.  I KNOW this & I wish people would stop telling me that I should keep him when I know that I can’t.  I do OK on my own, but I do enjoy my freedom and not only that his food/toys/vet bills are being either donated and/or paid for by someone else.  Unlike some people who adopt animals, I do have a realistic approach to this situation.  I do hope that he finds a good forever home soon, he deserves it!

In other news…

I cancelled my account on a certain site.  Clearly in a moment of what can only be described as sheer stupidity (one of which I have 0 recollection of) I apparently gave someone my e-mail address.  Well not the one I use on a day to day basis mind you.  The I might get back to you but likely not e-mail address.  You know the one where you just use your initals or some odd ball variation of your name.

 We all have one of those.    

So I rarely check this account and there is this e-mail from someone who said why did you cancel your account on (insert site name here)?  I thought to myself who the fuck are you?  I almost never use that e-mail anymore for anything and I know that I haven’t given it out in a really long time because of it.  Furthermore, I don’t date red heads.


Yes I am a natural red head, however so is my father (ick) and I quite simply do not find it attractive in any way shape or form.  Redheaded woman are smoking hot, men yeahhhhhhh not so much…

Anyway back to the story at hand.  There’s a file attachment.  No big deal, could be his face for all I know and I was thinking   hoping   praying to anyone who would listen that that’s all it was.  Except I was wrong and I of course had to open the e-mail itself.  G-Mail of course provides you with a decent sized thumbnail of what that attachment is.


This was edited by moi. You're welcome!

I threw up in my mouth a little.  I actually thought that I was going to vomit my dinner all over my desk in a projectile fashion.  So of course I had to share the horror.  Which garnered the following responses:

  • Me: OMFG I’m going to vomit, so much for dinner. P: Don’t eat & then inbox, sketchy scene Me:Clearly
  • J: What has been seen cannot be unseen. Me: No, no it can not.
  • A: Holy god! I need therapy and a hug now! I’m in shock!  Me: Me too A, me too!
  • C:Okay, I’ll bite. Send it this way. A: Oh gods no. Save yourself the torture! Me: Hold on C, I’m blogging about it A: I’m still crying about it.  (Who can blame her! So am I!)
  • The other J: (whom might I add claimed that he’s seen some pretty sick shit before) proclaimed this: OK you got me, I literally just threw up in my mouth a little.

The worst part of all:

He e-mailed me again and asked me if I liked the picture and SENT IT TO ME AGAIN!  I am scarred for life now!  I am tempted to write him back and say: “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you because after the last one that you sent me, I gouged out my eyes with a rusty nail and I have scheduled a lobotomy to forever block out this incident in all of it’s entirety.

I just might.

*Here’s some eye bleach* Hope you weren’t eating when you seen that… 

Online dating: the do’s & don’t edition

Here’s what slays me, in this day and age a lot of people utilize online dating websites.  It’s a lot more convient then to bother going to all the trouble of trying to meet someone in person.  Most people won’t own up to this though.  Every single guy I know who uses a popular (and free) dating site, the conversation always starts with: A buddy of mine set up a profile for me and I met this woman…  Online dating, the hidden shame of us all.  It is however, not without it’s pitfalls…

I get a lot of messages depending on what category I place myself in.  I’ve tested this theory out and the most attention grabbing (and also garnered the creepiest replies) was of course ‘intimate encounters’ a close second although not nearly as popular was dating.  Haven’t ever bothered with a long term commitment, figure my in-box would look like a ghost town and that’s not really what I’m after from the get go anyway…  The whole hang out/e-mail talk thing hasn’t ever been an option I’ve chosen, nor activity partner.  I figure intimate encounters pretty much covers this, after all sex is an activity right?

Of course it is! 

Anyway…  Online there’s no consequences, or at the very least not very many.  I personally keep my profile pretty brief and to the point.  Most people these days have short attention spans.  That being said:

Don’t write a fucking novel!  Jesus Christ.  It’s one thing to write a well thought out profile that show cases your highlights.  More often then not though, they usually start with something like OMG I am SO bad at talking about myself lulz and then they proceed to write their life stories, the cliff notes edition.

Use proper grammar and spelling!  Jesus Christ!  Is it really that difficult to spell out an entire word?  You know instead of U how about adding those three extra letters.  OR PEOPLE WHO TYPE LIKE THIS -or- my personal favorite LiKe THsI.  I had a discussion about this with someone last night.  Not bothering to use proper spelling and or grammar makes you look like a fucking idiot who didn’t make it past grade 2.

Private messages: It’s one thing to drop someone a quick word or five to open up the line’s of communication.  However it is in poor taste to write a message to someone that is another novel that highlights your income, the kind of car that you drive and blah fucking blah.  You know what that says to a woman like me?  I’m insecure and I’ll buy you everything that you want because I’m really trying to buy your love because dammit I need someone to fuck love me. Or that you’re a materialistic douche bag.  Either way? Do. Not. Want.  Real woman who will like you for you and you alone, don’t need to know your entire pedigree.  We’re not buying a dog.

Comments on my pictures and or  my tattoos:  Yes I am pretty to most people, thank you.  However saying: ‘Yeah but you’re really hot, you must not be having any problems getting laid” Well not usually no I don’t.  However I don’t need you to point that out.  Proves to me that you’re terribly, terribly insecure.


Saying you want to lick all of my tattoos is not a turn on.  I have 27 and they’re essentially all over the place.  Yes I do have my naughty bits tattooed (and pierced) also my butt cheek, along with one on my big toe and I’m sporting one in my left armpit among other places.  Do you really want to lick my armpit?  Furthermore do *I* want you to lick my armpit?  No.  No I do not.  What are you a dog?  Do I need a bath?  Do you feel that my skin is dry and I should drink more water and or up the ante on my moisturizer?  So just don’t.  It’s NOT attractive and makes you look like a douchebag.

YOUR pictures: The whole point about dating period is all about looking to score.  Regardless of what you want, we’re all searching for something or someone.  Perhaps you’ll get lucky and actually find it.  So naturally no one isn’t going to post pictures of themselves looking anything less then their best usually.  Most guys do OK in this department.  Here’s what’s not OK (in my eyes at least)

  • Pictures of your ride.  What are you a fucking transformer?  No?  Didn’t think so!  Likely you’re over compensating for something.  I don’t want to know what that something is.
  • Your bitchin’ tan.  Most of you look like Jersey shore rejects, it’s not hot.
  • Pictures with what is clearly your ex girlfriend cut out of the picture.  Take 5 mins and take a new one!  Jesus!
  • The mirror pictures showing off your so called ‘bad’ self.  For example (yes this is an actual picture from someone who messaged me)

The caption: a sneak peek at my physique.  You want to know what I see:

  1. A sneak peek into your mom’s/grandmother’s and or wife’s bedroom.  The glaring mauve walls and 80’s mirror are a dead giveaway.  Along with the flowery curtains and the picture of Marilyn Monroe.  I have one of her too because I love her but mine’s hotter.
  2. Back hair.  It looks like your pubes have escaped from your groin and planted themselves above your butt crack.
  3. Douchebag taking a picture of themselves in a mirror.  Self timer’s, even my fucking phone’s camera has one.  Try it sometime.

Pictures of your junk: Most guys assume that if you place yourself in the intimate encounters category, you automatically want a picture of their cock.  No, no I don’t actually.  Why?  Because I, unlike most people have professional pictures of mine.  Thank you Hylton!  I happen to have a really awesome, rock star vag.  That aside, I am also a Chef.  I’m a very visual person in that regard (not unlike most men) and to coin a phrase from someone: “I eat with my eyes first” and that’s true!  So when you send a girl a picture of your junk and it’s not up to par.  I’m going to judge your sorry ass!  I won’t post pictures of some of the eye bleach inducing    genitals I’ve gotten lately but I will tell you this much.  Make. An. Effort.  I personally haven’t ever been with a guy who isn’t cut and after seeing the latest, I really don’t want to.  Not trying to be all judgmental, however not one of you is selling me on it.  Really you’re not, not in the least.

Save for one.  I’m giving him a medal, only because I feel that he deserves one.  As a general rule of thumb, best not to send a picture of your junk unless she asks for it.  It’re pretty damn presumptuous of you to assume that we want to see it.  Also your definition of well endowed can likely vary vastly from mine and on a final note if your going to take a self shot, best not to do it when looking down.  Why?  Because when I look down at my chest, it’s not nearly as large as it actually is.  Ergo, you’re selling yourself short (pun is totally intended).

So if you’re going to create an online profile looking to score, might want to keep some of these points in mind.  Men judge woman based on many, many things and you know what? We do the same.

The Champix Chronicles

So I started taking champix 21 days ago, hard to believe that it’s already been that long!  Here’s a quickie break down of how this actually works:

First you pick your quit date, somewhere between day 8 and day 14 from the first day you start taking Champix.

Day 1-3 you take one pill, once a day.  .5 mg of varenicline tartrate AKA as Champix.

Day 4-7 you take 2 .5 mg pills twice a day.  Once in the morning and once at night.

Day 8-14 is when your dosage doubles to 1mg twice a day.  This is also the time period that you pick your quit date.  I decided on October 11th to be my quit date.  It was the Tuesday after the long weekend, I’d have work to keep me occupied and so forth, sounded good right?

Sure did in hindsight…

Except I didn’t factor in PMS.  This obviously doesn’t apply to guys but trying to quit smoking during that time was likely the WORST idea I have ever had!  I made it through one day and one day only.  I just couldn’t take it, I don’t know if it was job related stress, the fact that you can’t fix stupid, my hormones or whatever the hell was going on.  So I caved and bought a pack of smokes the next day.  I hated myself for it and it kind of freaked me out.  I thought to myself, what if this doesn’t work?  How screwed am I going to be?

So I thought well maybe I just needed a few more days to give the pills some more time to work, everyone is different.  So I didn’t berate myself too much, especially since I found myself smoking a lot less.  As in a pack would last me 3 days which isn’t the norm for me at all.  So I had hope and on Sunday October 16th at around 10:30pm I smoked my last cigarette and haven’t looked back since.

I did a lot of preparation work in the meantime.  I’ve been researching this drug for over two years now.  I would advise not to pay attention to the online reviews, people love nothing more then to jump on a bandwagon, especially when it’s something negative.  Yes this drug can have some nasty and quite scary side effects.  Psychotic behavior, suicidal thoughts and or feelings and depression being the three most scariest (in my book) of side effects.  Mind you, these could happen as a result of not smoking period.  Although Champix does ‘mess’ with your mind in a neurological sense so it’s entirely possible.  However it’s not a common side effect in most people and yes I did take all of that into consideration before I started taking this drug.  Hostility comes with the territory of not smoking period, in any case I pretty much get away with being a bitch because I can blame it on my medication 😉

I also prepared my body for it as well.  Nausea, constipation, diarrhea, headaches, gas, abnormal/vivid dreams (rarely nightmares), sleepiness…  You know, the usual.  Because you know what?  Every time I’ve tried to quit smoking, I’ve had some of these issues.  So to combat any side effects I had a chat with my pharmacist and I was advised not to worry about getting any anti nausea medication however to offset it, I was advised however to drink lots of water (which I do now, more then I think I ever have) and to take my pill just after a meal.  I found this helped a lot and the only time I felt a little nastiness was when I didn’t eat and even having something small helped offset the nausea.  As for headaches, well I work in a day care so I’m not entirely sure if that’s due to champix or not.  Most of them are low grade and if they get too bad, I have advil handy just in case.  I also eat a lot better as well, it was suggested in the literature that came with the medication that you beef up your fiber in take, makes sense.  So I basically cut all the bad crap out of my diet, I don’t mind most things whole wheat anyway and anything that I do usually comes in an ‘enriched’ version that has all the benefits so there’s no excuse really.

Anyway enough of my blathering on about this.  Here’s the pro’s & the cons of being on Champix (at least for me)

Cons: Side effects can be a bitch sometimes.  Dreams are beyond odd, but manageable just the same.  Headaches, well I always seem to have one of those too.  That’s pretty much it though, just need to be mindful of the changes your body is going through and likely best not try and wean yourself off of anything else just yet or you’ll most likely pay dearly.  That was an accident I had yesterday by having nothing with Caffeine and almost no sugar.  I had a migraine so bad that I barfed.  Coffee machine is broken (of course) and I have no money until Thursday (of course).  I thought well it can’t hurt right? Yeah no I was about 15 levels of wrong on that one!  Oh and the coughing fits and the sore throat…  Those are extra fun!  There is also little to nothing you can do about them either until they go away.  Your sinus cavities are going to drip constantly and make the back of your throat feel slimey and your nose runs pretty much All. The. Time.  Coughing?  Not a pretty sight, especially when you’re recovering from the flu and you start coughing hacking so hard that you yarf to the point that it would make the excorsist jealous.  Except that ain’t pea soup it’s a combination of phlegm, mucous and bile all rolled into one delightful, projectile vomit package.  This of course happened at work, why wouldn’t it?  Your sense of smell improves.  Why is this a con you ask?  Ever been in Montreal’s metro system?  You develop a new appreciation for breathing through your mouth and NOT your nose.


  1. You’re saving an ass-load of money!  I can’t speak for everyone but my habit alone ran me about $216.00/month.  That’s 2 hours of tattoo work with my Montreal guy and a lot more with my Ontario one.
  2. You don’t smell like a dirty ashtray anymore.  Doesn’t matter how much stuff you slather on to smell nice, that cigarette smoke over-powers it.
  3. Things taste better, a lot better.  You also cut down on things like salt and sugar because you notice it a lot more without having to add more.  Although I have discovered that there’s a few things I don’t like the taste of anymore.  Not a big deal really.
  4. If you have nerve damage or bad circulation (which I do) you’ll notice that get’s better as well, which is a nice plus.
  5. You’re no longer paying out the ass in ‘tobacco’ tax either, one less contribution that you have to make to the government.
  6. Champix is usually covered by insurance or the province.  In my case the RAMQ does cover it and the starter pack (two weeks worth) cost me $28.00 plus the existing cost of my cigarettes so about $70.00 roughly (I’m guesstimating here) and since my payable goes down every time I get a prescription filled my continuation pack only cost me $18.00 and I haven’t smoked since.

Now don’t get me wrong, you still have to want to quit and on occasion you’re still going to have cravings.  However the actual nicotine withdrawal should only last you 76 hours MAX.  After that, there is no more nicotine in your system and from that point it’s psychological.  It’s a habit, so in order to break this one, you need to create another one.  It’s amazing the things that you associate with smoking and before I decided to quit, I changed up my routine in small ways.  Taking different routes to and from work and eliminating cigarettes that I knew that I didn’t need.  It does help.

I’ve been lucky with the side effects not getting to me too badly, although I know a few people have had problems with the drug.  However they’re all men and men are notorious for NOT reading instructions or directions and I’m willing to bet that if they did, they just *might* have had an easier time with it.  But who am I to say?

Penis envy, health regulations and tattoos

*Fair warning TMI post to follow in some area’s.  Can’t say I didn’t warn you!*

One hot button topic that seems to be forever in the minds of the most dedicated modification artists and connoisseur’s (I am talking about the die hard collectors and enthusiasts, not the kid who has one or two to “look cool”) is regulation of the industry.  Because you know what?

There isn’t one.

Yeah that’s right.  Modification artists pretty much set their own “rules” when it comes to age and so forth and all the one’s that I know personally follow the golden unwritten rule of being at least 16 for some piercings and 18+ for those of a sexual nature.  They practice the most sterile techniques, keep themselves up to date on what’s what and stay informed.  This is one aspect what makes them so damn good at what they do: They treat your health and well being with the utmost respect and have your well being in mind and you also get a kick ass accessory to boot, so hey why not right?  I love me some shiny new tattoos!

So what does this have to do with my penis envy and regulations as a whole?

Everything! (This is where the TMI comes in)

I had to buckle down and see my OBGYN yesterday (YAY ME o_O) as in your know my Dr. for my girly bits.  I HATE and I do mean hate going there.  Now don’t get me wrong Dr. G overall is pretty cool.  Except for yesterday, he was being a bit of a huge ass douche.  My appointment ran later then anticipated, not my fault of course.  *I* was there on time and got to cool my heels for almost an hour.  Not an excuse to act like a total dick.  I don’t give a flying fuck how many vagina’s your hands been up that day buddy, I don’t like lying on this fucking table trussed up like a damn turkey either but hey YOU had the choice to go into OBGYN, I however had NO say in my gender.

If I did, I would much prefer to be a man.  Men don’t have gynecologists that invade their space every 6 months.

So I’m sitting there, waiting for him to come in sans pants wearing socks and my hoodie.  Straight out of a scene of bad 80’s porn right there!  So I was taking a deeper look at my surroundings since I had nothing else to do.  Big ass bag of these awesome, disposable speculum (non sterile of course) and a big ass box of cervical scrapers (sounds pleasant doesn’t it?) also NON sterile and a pile of culture catchers as in glass slides, ALSO NON sterile.  Along with a big ass tube of generic medical lube which my Dr. is a little too generous with and always makes my vag itch (thanks Dr. G).  Anyway, he walks in throws on some gloves without washing his hands first (WTF?) until I pointed out that he wasn’t touching me until he had done so.  I seen the 4 vag woman that walked out before me and it makes me wonder if he didn’t wash his hands with them either?  I mean seriously?  Fucking nasty!


Reminds me of this post that Shannon wrote and the picture he snapped in the hospital!  (Oh if your wondering what a hyfrecator is, read up on it here. (which makes that image 100 times more nasty) also this entry (second picture in) makes my skin crawl.
And I got to thinking that these instruments and the like are going to be introduced to the most intimate place on my body.  All of which are just sitting out there, in the open with countless people walking in and out of that office day after day after day.  Crawling with God knows what type of germs and bacteria!  Oh but yes, please do use those on my girly bits with your UN-washed hands!

The health industry is clearly not as regulated as one would think and as Shannon said:”I mentioned in the previous entry that when I was at the hospital last I was disturbed that the hyfrecator tool was covered in blood. The doctor blamed this on the residents who do a poor job (it’s not the first time I’ve seen stray blood at this particular hospital), but I wanted to mention that it bothered me that their clean tools are kept in a bin that pretty much overlaps with their overflowing container of dirty tools. It’s my feeling that the two — contaminated tools and clean/sterile tools — need to be kept completely separate and everything possible should be done to minimize the risk of cross contamination…
Is this going to cause a problem? Probably not, but it easily could, and really, it just reeks of low standards and a sloppy thought process. It bothers me to no end that tattoo studios and to a lesser extent estheticians’ studios are beaten to death with high standards in these areas, but that hospitals, doctors, and dentists — who should know better by virtue of their educations — don’t seem to give a damn.”

So when I headed over to Ania’s blog and read one of her latest finds that involve the modification industry I got to thinking about my Dr’s appointments vs my tattoo appointments and whose hands I feel safer touching my body.

My conclusion?

My modification artists win hands down.  Not ONCE, have I EVER felt “UN-safe” with anyone who’s done work on me.  Both shops that I frequent have separate area’s for hand washing, sterilization and sterilized equipment.  Not ONCE have I ever had to request that they wash their hands, or noticed anything that would question or concern my overall health and well being.  It’s sad for me to think that they know more about proper health practices and  sanitation then my gyno does.  Which is pretty disturbing.  Sadly, getting a new Dr. isn’t as simple as finding a good tattoo artist.  Which isn’t always as easy either but I digress.

What also get’s me is that if I was to forget my medicare card it would cost me $100.00 for about 10 mins of his precious time where I felt dehumanized at this last visit (usually he’s pretty chill) whereas that same amount of money would buy me an hour of my artists time and not only do I feel at home, 100% comfortable and like the fucking person I am, I first and foremost feel safe.  I also feel as if I am being heard.  My gyno? Not so much.  Selective hearing much?  I think so.  Douche.    I trust my artists with my life and have complete faith that they’ll take care of me and do what they can to ensure that everything is as clean and sterile as it can be.  Whereas that same clinic that a person I know also goes there for her annual exam found out over a year later from a previous smear that she had cervical cancer and had to have a hysterectomy before she was 40.  WTF?

Now you tell me, who’s more on the ball here?  Modification artists or Doctors?

Yes there are some horrendously shady modification artists out there, no doubt.  Yet there is a continual witch hunt in the modification industry that the government has yet to step in and regulate, even when tattoo artists are begging for it at this point and yet we’re supposed to respect the people who are supposed to take care of us because they have medical degree’s.  Having a fancy piece of paper don’t mean a damn thing if your not doing what your supposed to be doing, let alone doing it right.

Now due to an undiagnosed problem that’s related to my lady parts, I have to get a pelvic and vaginal ultrasound.  I’ll save how I feel about that later.  Although I will say this much: I will be riding that technicians ass like no one’s business because a damn condom DOES NOT replace proper cleaning procedures and I am shuddering in disgust already just thinking about how many woman have had that shoved up their crotch.

In fact, I’ll bring my own antibacterial wipes and hospital grade germicide just to satisfy my germaphobia.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!  Seriously.  Did I mention EW? Because the thought… Oh God…  If it wasn’t so important, I wouldn’t bother.

PS: In my next life, I would like to be male.  That would be awesome!  Why?  Because boys don’t need to deal with this shit!  I have penis envy really bad right now.