Tick tock

What the fuck?  That’s the sound of Steph’s biological clock…

To coin a phrase from a friend:” Sweet baby Jesus I’m fucking screwed!”

OK well she doesn’t usually say that, but close!
She uses sweet baby Jesus a lot.  Now I can see why!

So I had a horrific revelation of sorts the other day…  I work in a daycare.  Which is beyond hilarious if you really knew me.  Why?  Because I am was so anti baby it would blow your mind!  When I worked at the tea room, parents would think that we were their babysitters.  One time I told someone that if they didn’t keep an eye on their child who was being utterly disruptive to other patrons (running around and into my kitchen and hanging out at other people’s tables while mommy was playing catch up with a friend), that I would duct tape them to the chair.  Not to mention the mother who was breastfeeding her baby FACING the huge bay window of the tea shop not covered up what so ever.  I’m not talking a discreet breastfeeding display here either, she may as well had her whole shirt off .  OK, no I don’t have a problem with breastfeeding in public (never have).  So before all you public breast feeding pro choice people come and burn my house down, chill out for a moment.

It sucks to live your life according to others standards of decency but you can’t discount that they will often have an affect on you and yours so I’m trying to tread lightly and find that middle ground. I personally could care less, I have my own pair of breasts to stare at all the time and they’re fan-freaking-tastic if I do say so myself 😉

Breasts provide nutrition for the little’s, but they’re also sexual things as well.  Argue all you want about the topic but its true.  For example: This:

Not a sexual thing vs


Anyway this isn’t about breastfeeding, but regardless of how natural it IS, some people aren’t cool with that.  IE: my uptight customers, or even me as I’m setting your scones down on your table and getting a face full of boob (I’m not thirsty thanks, and I have enough milk in my coffee already).  Feed your kids all you want, I’m all about saving money!  Except maybe be a  little discreet about it, there’s no need to show off all the goodies right?  There’s nothing wrong with it, and I fail to see anything sexual about breastfeeding either mind you.  Although I am sure that countless others would beg to differ.

I’m currently waiting for the hate brigade to show up at my door.

That and countless other things that have turned me off from wanting to have kids…  Like stretch marks, I have enough of those already thank you.

I don’t need more.  Do. Not. Want. Thanks.

Then I met Elliot.


I seen him during the tour my co-worker was giving him of the daycare.  They always make a stop in the kitchen to introduce them to the Chef (me) and show them the facilities that we have in store.

It was love at first sight.

One look at those huge blue eyes, two chins, those itty bitty feet, chubby little hands and the most perfect cupid bows mouth would have you falling for this adorable little as well.  OMG I have never in a million years been so smitten by someone’s baby!

With the exception of my niece and nephew of course, because they’re perfect!  Not to mention my friends little’s OMG they’re so cute!

Anyway Elliot is my latest “boyfriend” at the daycare.  They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and seeing as how all the little boys at the daycare love me, this must be true.

I’m quite popular with the little’s for this reason.

Anyway moving along…  My period was is all messed up for a few reasons, and now that I’m not on my pills for the moment, my damn hormones seem to be all over the place.  So Wed. I made my morning trek into the nursery and seen my adorable sweetheart Elliot and this feeling of longing came over me.  I didn’t want to put him back down, I just wanted to hold this child forever and take him home.

Wait WHAT!?!  *enter the sound of screeching here*

Dear God my first though was…

I’m turning into one of those people.

You know, the one’s whose ages start to creep up on you and stuff.  I just turned 32, this is what I have to look forward to for the next few years, you know until I get all menopausal like?  Or con, bribe find a Dr.who will tie my tubes, or better yet, just yank it ALL out?

Because my OBGYN won’t *Le sigh*

Are you kidding me?!?

Ah but sweet Elliot, I have to get a picture of this kid, because he’s just so damn cute!  As I was leaving on Wed, I of course had to stop in and fight the urge to steal say good-bye  to my adorable sweetheart Elliot.  I put him down to leave and as soon as I turned and walked away he started to cry 🙁  I turned around and looked back at him and he looked at me with one lone tear rolling down his cheek with the worlds biggest pout on those lips and my heart melted.

Then of course reality kicks in, the cost, the time, did I mention the money?  Oh yeah and then I can turn into one of those mommy bloggers.  You know the type that have NOTHING to say other then what their children ate/slept/shit/barfed?  Yeah I can’t stand them either.  While some are a wealth of information when you have no where to turn (I like useful things like that!) I like my mommy blogger friends/people I read the best.  Because while they do in fact talk about their children, they have other things to talk about as well.

So that at least makes it interesting to read and I can on occasion go AWE!  Oh yeah and feel my uterus contract with need and longing…

No only do they talk about their adorable children, there’s things like dealing with the possibility of having another…

This is why I love Tracy!

Also not to mention that reading her last blog post, essentially took a sledge hammer to my clock and smashed it to pieces, this is another reason why I love her!

Thank you sweet baby Jesus for that!

Ghosts & sex

I have a poster art print thingy in my living room that I think is simply stunning.  I’d post an image but Pete still has my camera that somehow got wedged underneath the seat of his car.  Thankfully out of the clutches of Bandit the designer shoe chewing dog.

But I digress.  Some of my friends think its creepy, some people don’t “get it” but they like it.  Others think its just kind of wrong given how Jason committed suicide.  However I sense that there is a correlation between my buying that particular print and his death (as Pete once presented forth to me and I did ponder this) seeing as how I got it two days after he died, while I was at the tattoo convention.

Something about it sucks you in.

I think its beautiful personally.

Its a depiction of a woman standing in front of some cardiogram graph thing with a beautiful tattoo on her hand going up her arm, a row of rose thorns around her neck causing her to bleed as she’s smiling and holding a revolver to the side of her head.  I was captivated by this image, something about it spoke volumes to me and I had to have it.  I remember when I purchased it, the gentleman selling it to me pointed to the gun and said:

“It’s just a prop”

I remember thinking in one of  my grief stricken moments I wish Jason’s was just a prop.  It however was not.

Anyway, I can’t afford no fancy frame for this oddly sized sucker so I went to Zellers and purchased a poster frame that’s really just a piece of Plexiglas with a backing and the four sides that are all removable.  Except it doesn’t always co-operate like it should.

Of course.

I was standing in my kitchen earlier this evening and I heard what can only be described as a ripping noise and I looked behind me and all I could see was this insane print swinging to & fro.  One of the sides had come away from the wall (it was being held in place with blue tac to help keep it straight on the wall because it doesn’t lie flat.)  Then I got to thinking…

Perhaps its the new book that I’m reading?  Its called follow, to summarize its a creepy book about a woman who’s haunted by visits from dead people.  Then I got to thinking about the conversation that Ms. Jackson and I had a few days after Jason’s demise and how she told me that if there was life after death then Jason would know how much I’m hurting.  I got to thinking about this last night, more so because of something I wanted to do/should have done in my last e-mail but didn’t.  So I thought to myself you know, I really do hope that there is life after death because even though he would see my world of hurt, he would know just how much I loved him too.

So then this whole poster thing happened and I ain’t going to lie, it Creep-ed. Me. Right. The. Fuck. Out.  I looked at her and something about that print made my skin crawl.  Between my nerves, my stalker, that strange (but good) book I’m reading, haunted encounters I have had in the past (I’ll save that story for another day) and loosing my best friend I thought to myself what if a ghost comes to visit you and you’re in the middle of something?

Like having sex for instance.

Do they stick around and watch?

Is there porn on the other side?

Strange to ponder I know but I got to thinking about this at random.  Then I thought to myself as I was walking around with no pants on, is he here?  Was that some sort of sign from him?

I’m just not down with the deceased seeing my O face I guess 😉