I\’m stealing borrowing taking inspiration from someone I admire and respect.  Who wrote this on facebook:

\”I have come to the conclusion that over the past two years I have come into a bit of a problem: Me.
Its like a skipping record that never gets into the next groove. I lost my aunt, my wife and my grandma all in one year… who would not be …affected by these big life changes?
But guess what? Life goes on, and I need to participate. I need to be a part of. I am so much more than my work. I am Mr. B and I need to snap the hell out of this, right here, right now. [baby steps]
I am that guy who will come running if you need help… but what about Mr. B? How do I fix him?
Well, first off I do something really crazy, like get honest on facebook of all places. I come clean. I tell the truth, and the truth of the matter is I hurt and have been hurting for a very. long. time.
I feel a change is coming… starting this weekend.\”

That, well that was pretty ballsy.

Sadly I can relate.  I didn\’t loose my wife (don\’t have one of those).  My grandmother, well sadly she passed away a while ago (miss you nan!) and most of my aunts are still alive.  I did however loose something (s) very precious to me in the past two years: One of my closest friends to suicide none the less, have battled the war known as apartment hell, been taken for granted, lied to and walked all over by FAR too many people, lost a baby somewhere along the way and most recently Andrew Wilmer (also to suicide) who was a friend of mine from back in my early school years.  Only to find out that another one of my former classmates Peter Overton had also passed.  From an overdose back in 2009.

Bottom line: I give so much, yet I have lost so much more.  So to coin a phrase from Mr. B: \” The truth of the matter is, I hurt and I have been hurting for a very long time\”

I\’ve made it my own personal mission to help fix others and I\’ve actually succeeded a few times (GO ME!).  But what about me?  Who in the fuck is going to fix me?  Save me from this soul sucking depression that plaques me far more in the winter (thanks Montreal) likely due to having a case of SAD.  Lots of people don\’t own up to being depressed or unhappy because of the stigma attached to it.

\”Mental imbalance is about as acceptable as herpes. It’s never going to be accepted. But really, it’s a disease just like cancer. It just happens, and eats away all the good parts of your brain, like judgment and happiness and perception and memory and life. And you can die from depression just like any other disease. And it’s not as if people choose it. So why is it still a joke of medicine? \”She died of cancer\” is a lot more socially acceptable to people than “she committed suicide.” Why?\”

~ Sarahbeth Purcell

Not only that, the first thing people want to do is try and cheer you up or fix you.

Get a clue, I am NOT sad, unhappy or any of that shit.  I SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION.  Depression is an illness, NOT a state of mind.  I really loathe when people say they\’re feeling depressed when really they mean that they\’re just UN-happy or sad that day.

“We\’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy”

Sure.  Along with trust also comes a world of hurt the minute you are betrayed.

I am SO. SICK. AND. TIRED. of people telling me not to feel guilty, or whatever.  I feel the way that I feel for a reason, I am me and you are you and you are entitled to feel whatever way you want, as am I.  Saying things like that to me only serve to make feel alienated, even if you do have the best intentions ever.  I have to say, my OSIS training has served a rather awesome purpose and has given me a greater understanding about several things surrounding mental illness.

It\’s easy to say: Don\’t give up on hope\” \”There is one thing that never, ever dissapoints and that\’s hope\” and so on and so forth.  Sure sounds really nice, BUT when you\’re in what P & I have started referring to as \”the dark place\” hope doesn\’t exist and what mattered to you simply doesn\’t anymore.  When you wake up and your first thought is, I don\’t want to get out of bed and deal with this anymore, what\’s the point.  When what used to give you joy, no longer does, hope is no longer a part of your repertoire.

It\’s like when people say OMFG I just seen so and so less then 24 hours ago and they seemed so happy.  Of course they did, because they knew deep down that their suffering was soon to be over.  That\’s why.  I hate to sound crass, but that\’s the ugly truth.  We\’re all human, and can only take so much.  Think someone who commits suicide is a coward?  Think again.  Killing oneself isn\’t as simple as it sounds.  Everyone is born with the will to live and even if you\’re in a place so dark, where light ceases to exist, ending your life takes far more balls and courage then one would think.  Otherwise I would have been dead a long time ago.

There, I said it.  Take it for what you will.

How appropriate jumper just came on the radio.   How about that!

That being said, I am going to assume that I\’ll be OK when I\’m meant to be OK.  Just for the moment, I prefer to grieve alone and do my own thing.  I get up and go to work because I still need to live, no matter how dead I feel inside some days.

So no need to panic or freak out, I\’m just being honest for a change.

I hurt, in a lot of ways and there is nothing you can say or do to change that.

Don\’t bother to e-mail , text,PM  or call me.  I haven\’t opened my e-mail in days, my phone has been off for a reason.  Please respect that, I answer to no one and I don\’t intend to start now.