Category Archives: Random rant

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Ohhh FFS!

I\’m still sick, not nearly as bad as I was on Monday or Tuesday mind you.  However I still sound like a combination of Darth Vader and a coffee maker gone horribly wrong.  This is what I get for doing the things I do.  I was Mostly OK on Sunday.  Well OK enough to see him after I pumped myself full of drugs, took a bath and almost killed both my cats in the process.  In spite of the fact that I felt like (and still do feel like) a bloated  cow…  I\’m also feeling tres barftastique!  For real…  I had to get blood work done on Sunday, that is always fun.  Maybe then I\’ll discover what the hell is wrong with me. I can nap on demand and my body aches all. the. damn. time.

I also feel compelled to point out this: \”Love may be blind, however I am not in love. I also have glasses that didn\’t come with the rose colored tint, so I can also see ;)\”  Although Jen had a valid point with this: \”if love blind pluck it out and see not with rose colored glass but look into the soul and u will see clearly if your attended is worthy of your love\”

Why do you ask?

Because I refer to him as Mr. Almost Perfect.  As in almost perfect FOR me.  I like him, we get on well.  However like I said to him the other day, the stars got knocked out of my eyes a LONG time ago.  I am not infatuated with him, nor am I in love with him.  I do however enjoy his company immensely.  Its new & I\’m not looking too far ahead.  Right now I\’m just enjoying the moments as they come.  Besides no one truly knows our situation except for us.  So needless to say I got rather annoyed flat out irritated when one of my friends felt the need to point out that no one is perfect, let alone almost perfect.  On my facebook wall no less.  She felt that I \”needed a reminder\”.  Um hmm.  OK how about you stay outta my personal life and drop dead. mind your own business?  What am I some starry eyed 15 year old?  No I happen to be on the edge of being *cough 32 cough* I see no need for any sort of alarm or concern.  Either of which is horribly misplaced.  I know what I\’ve been through, last time I recall I was there.  I am not a naive fool thanks.  If you feel the need to comment on anything I do in my life, then fucking well message me privately.  Even my mom & her mom both said that I wasn\’t in need of a reality check.  Thanks though, however if I wanted your opinion; I would gladly give it to you.

For real.

Apparently that pissed me off more then I thought it did. Who knew?  Which is why I deleted that post & the argument/comments that followed.  It was getting a tad ridiculous!

In other news…

I\’ve been corresponding quite a bit with Jason\’s mom.  Who\’s been nothing short of wonderful!  She wants to bring Jason\’s ashes to Canada.  He always wanted to come & I believe it was last 2 summer\’s ago  that he almost made it here too.  Well to Toronto for BME fest.  I was mighty pissed that I wasn\’t going to be able to meet him, except he wasn\’t able to cross the border due to a lack of a passport.  So the poor guy got stuck in Buffalo NY.  So of course pending she decides to bring him here (which I\’m assuming she will) I\’ll get to \”meet him\” in retrospect, however that wasn\’t what I had in mind…  However I think it will be nice to have a memorial service and scatter his ashes with his mom and whomever else chooses to be in attendance that day.  Yeah I know that\’s technically not legal but hey, why not?

So out of curiosity I checked out the price of airline tickets on Expedia.  Carlsbad has an airport and so does Montreal, so that made searching easy.  The cost blew. my. fucking. mind.  Almost $1300.00 yes that would be thirteen hundred freaking dollars for a round trip ticket!  Yet for about the same price I could go to you know Cuba and stay in a 5 star all inclusive resort for a week.  W.T.F.!?!  I wonder how long it would take to drive there… One day and 12 hours according to Google maps (of course I had to check you know). Not that I would do such a thing but you know what I mean?  I think Jason was taking the bus across the border into Niagara Falls and grabbing a flight from there to Toronto.  Can\’t recall now, obviously it doesn\’t matter that much.

Something to ponder anyway.

On a final note, I really want a cupcake!

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Disjointed fragments

memory is a funny thing.  My heightened level of exhaustion is truly screwing with my mind more often then not it would seem.  There\’s things I want to remember because they\’re just beyond hilarious and I seem to forget them and then come back to them.  Sometimes I wish I could videotape my life so I can look back on it and laugh.  Laughter is a wonderful thing.  Memories fade and its usually the good ones I find.  As I was having my most enchanted evening with him, something he said triggered a long forgotten moment in what I refer to as my old life.  It was a surreal trip down memory lane & I wasn\’t quite sure how I felt about that.  He felt bad (no need to), as my beautiful friend Carly referenced:\”you are only as sick as your secrets\”.

Fuck. I. have. a. lot. of. secrets.

Some of which I share (rendering them a secret no more), some I keep to myself.  As much as I didn\’t don\’t want him to feel bad, it totally dawned on me that there was something semi huge that I shared on here and not with him.  I meant to & somehow I totally forgot & for that, I\’m sorry.  I guess now that the moment is over (thankfully)/crisis averted there was no need to bring it up.  However had things not been so damn crazy for either of us (seriously I tried to wash my hands with toothpaste the other day, don\’t ask) I\’m quite certain I would have mentioned it.  Because he had the right to know and still does.  What a kick to the balls to read it on here and not hear it from me.  Yeah that\’s pretty damn low.  Pending of course he reads my blog at all.  Anyway, back to that whole memory thing.  It was strange because it took me back to a place that I hadn\’t visited in so long.  It didn\’t bother me, it just made me feel unsettled for a while I guess.  I did put a positive spin on it because there is one.  Although I will always wonder what I would have been like had that not happened.

I\’m obviously not destined to know.  We all have our scars & that part of my life is my cross to bear and I feel for the most part I bear it pretty well.  I lived it, learned from it and became whom I am today because of it.  I like me most of the time.  I don\’t like talking about it because of the emotions it evokes in other people.  I personally have moved on, I can\’t & won\’t forget what happened but it made me stronger in the end.  Which in a way I am thankful for.  I don\’t however want to hurt him with that story.  Disjointed fragments come out now & then; he\’s not stupid (he\’s actually too smart for his own damn good) I like love that about him.  However I know first hand how hearing about that hurts some people and evokes the general reactions of anger/sympathy/pity and a slew of others that I would rather not do.  Like he said \”we all have issues\” which we most certainly do.  However I personally think its all in how you deal with them in the end.  Do you learn from them, embrace them as a period of growth or do you react like some people I know and surround yourself with it like a shroud and use it as a shield?  Or more accurately [use it] as an excuse for how messed up you think your life is?  There\’s something to be said about letting go and for the most part I have.  It changed me on a number of levels, some of which I don\’t particularly care for personally.  I have however made my proverbial bed and while I did lie in it for a while, I have since exchanged it for a new & improved model.  Mostly.

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A FML quickie…

17 days straight without a day off…  Yes seventeen.  W. T. F?!?!  Yeah I know right?

All this running around and waiting is making me impatient and more then a little crazy.  Today of course being the yuckiest of all.  My day started at 6am then finished off at 10:30pm.  With a lovely hour & a half lull in between, which was largely spent on the smelly metro shuttling my ass back from one job to the next.  I was supposed to finish at 11 but by the grace of God it wasn\’t busy so I left early.  Holy christ my feet feel as if they\’re going to fall off my body.

I\’m limiting my availability at COC next week so I can catch a break (in spite of the fact that I didn\’t work at all during the week there this week) and there\’s NO damn way I\’m working next weekend.  Its bad enough that I have to spend 8 freaking hours of my day at a infant CPR/First aid/home safety training course because working in the daycare requires it on Sunday.  Dear God I better get to keep this job!  I did however get my birth certificate YAY! That however is a whole other nightmare unto itself.  Saturday is MINE!  ALL MINE!

I\’ll slow down once everything checks out, in the meantime I have to whore myself out to both jobs until I am damn sure I have secured employment at the daycare.  Then I can work at COC when I feel like it for extra tattoo, Visa bill paying money.  If I never update my blog again its because I dropped dead from exhaustion somewhere along the line.

Just sayin…  

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Spewing forth randomness

I dream about him, this is driving me crazy.  Its one thing to consume my thoughts from time to time but when they invade my dreams, its almost disturbing to me on a certain level.  I had one the other night, that he was on the phone and somehow I missed it and I tried to call him back and he wasn\’t there.  I woke up, and I was upset.  I shouldn\’t be but I was.

Why is it that things that appear to good to be true usually are?  Totally pessimistic I know, but still.

You know what irritates the hell out of me?  People who undermine me!  Happened at work today, when I\’m working with one of the newer staff members I tend to hang back just a little.  Mostly because they need to man the fuck up and learn.  I was not a happy girl today for a number of reasons.  Most of them stress related but still…  He comes on the line, sits there and munches away on an apple (with a full board) while I get my ass kicked.  Oh then to top it off, I\’m looking at my schedule for the week @ COC (no days off for a possible 3 weeks straight, holy fuck!).  The he walks up to me and says:\”What time are you done at? Now. Oh well can you do some dishes before you leave? Excuse me? \”  OK first of all: I. wear. the. pants. in. the. kitchen. NOT you.  Nor do you have the right to ask me to stay later on the clock, Christ even I don\’t have that privilege of doing that.  Nor do you have the right to complain either!  Take some fucking initiative and make it happen.  Just because your accustomed to having it done upon arrival does not give you the God given right to expect it to be like that all the time.  Besides its reading week aka spring break and yes this was the busiest night we\’ve had in oh I dunno 12 days but still not nearly as insane as it usually is.

Seriously, these boys know NOTHING about problem solving!  They freak out when there\’s not enough prep, yet God forbid they get off their ass and do some.  Freeman left me a note about prep.  Good stuff, at least he listened to me when I mentioned that.  However Jerk sauce isn\’t part of my duties.  Why?  Because we buy it pre-made you fool!  They don\’t know where everything is, they have no idea how to prep next to nothing and all this other shit.  Seriously?  They\’re killing me, really.  Although in a rather ego driven moment, I am pretty thrilled about one of my creations hitting the new menu!  We changed it in the new year, however we\’re eliminating quite a few items that just aren\’t cutting it.  Although some things are semi OK sellers yet they\’re yanking them off the menu regardless.  Ah well its not my judgment call.  Just seems frivolous to me that they spent all this money on the new menu design & printing now and they\’re changing it.  Not that it matters, seems to me that 96.3% of the people who order from us don\’t read the details anyway.  As in you know when we open.  Idiots.

So no days off from either job, yeah the money is nice and until my background checks either in or out I very much prefer to hold onto my night job until my temporary contract is up with the daycare (as in my 30 day trial period to see if I make the final cut or not).  Can\’t wait to see how bitchy I get in the up-coming weeks ha ha.  Damn bills, URGH!

Travis is being extra nice to me lately…  Kinda strange because we don\’t really talk that much at work.  Sometimes we do, but more often then not we don\’t.  In any case, some of his gestures were really sweet! 🙂  Even though I suspect he has an ulterior motive…  Meh whatever.

Sean totally made me have an Awe moment.  Those are quite rare, I however blame hormones.

I just about damn near had a stroke today when someone at work said OMG Steph are you pregnant?  Granted I could see why they would make such a comment because I normally don\’t do that sort of thing at work.  Spazzing out is normal for me, other things, not so much.  Also our bathroom smelled like someone had died in there when I was in there this morning.  Slightly disturbing since I was the first to arrive & it was like that when I got there.

Oh yeah, changing the fryer oil is sooooooo nasty.  At least with the one fryer, I literally had to stick my hand in there to clear away the tender crumbs that were forming walls around the elements to find the drain.  I was literally up to my elbows in fryer oil and sludge.  Of course, one of our bio-oil containers is filled with a bunch of shit.  Such as paint cans, branches and other misc stuff.  Yeah I know it looks like one of the garbage cans in the alley but its not.  I think we should just toss it(the crap that\’s in there) in the alley and forget about it.  The one container we have is over-flowing as it is (oops, that was my bad) and that\’s so irritating because they never empty the whole damn thing!

URRRRRRRRRGH!