Category Archives: Tattoo fever

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Disjointed fragments

memory is a funny thing.  My heightened level of exhaustion is truly screwing with my mind more often then not it would seem.  There\’s things I want to remember because they\’re just beyond hilarious and I seem to forget them and then come back to them.  Sometimes I wish I could videotape my life so I can look back on it and laugh.  Laughter is a wonderful thing.  Memories fade and its usually the good ones I find.  As I was having my most enchanted evening with him, something he said triggered a long forgotten moment in what I refer to as my old life.  It was a surreal trip down memory lane & I wasn\’t quite sure how I felt about that.  He felt bad (no need to), as my beautiful friend Carly referenced:\”you are only as sick as your secrets\”.

Fuck. I. have. a. lot. of. secrets.

Some of which I share (rendering them a secret no more), some I keep to myself.  As much as I didn\’t don\’t want him to feel bad, it totally dawned on me that there was something semi huge that I shared on here and not with him.  I meant to & somehow I totally forgot & for that, I\’m sorry.  I guess now that the moment is over (thankfully)/crisis averted there was no need to bring it up.  However had things not been so damn crazy for either of us (seriously I tried to wash my hands with toothpaste the other day, don\’t ask) I\’m quite certain I would have mentioned it.  Because he had the right to know and still does.  What a kick to the balls to read it on here and not hear it from me.  Yeah that\’s pretty damn low.  Pending of course he reads my blog at all.  Anyway, back to that whole memory thing.  It was strange because it took me back to a place that I hadn\’t visited in so long.  It didn\’t bother me, it just made me feel unsettled for a while I guess.  I did put a positive spin on it because there is one.  Although I will always wonder what I would have been like had that not happened.

I\’m obviously not destined to know.  We all have our scars & that part of my life is my cross to bear and I feel for the most part I bear it pretty well.  I lived it, learned from it and became whom I am today because of it.  I like me most of the time.  I don\’t like talking about it because of the emotions it evokes in other people.  I personally have moved on, I can\’t & won\’t forget what happened but it made me stronger in the end.  Which in a way I am thankful for.  I don\’t however want to hurt him with that story.  Disjointed fragments come out now & then; he\’s not stupid (he\’s actually too smart for his own damn good) I like love that about him.  However I know first hand how hearing about that hurts some people and evokes the general reactions of anger/sympathy/pity and a slew of others that I would rather not do.  Like he said \”we all have issues\” which we most certainly do.  However I personally think its all in how you deal with them in the end.  Do you learn from them, embrace them as a period of growth or do you react like some people I know and surround yourself with it like a shroud and use it as a shield?  Or more accurately [use it] as an excuse for how messed up you think your life is?  There\’s something to be said about letting go and for the most part I have.  It changed me on a number of levels, some of which I don\’t particularly care for personally.  I have however made my proverbial bed and while I did lie in it for a while, I have since exchanged it for a new & improved model.  Mostly.

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And i\’m

rocking the quickies lately it would seem.

Still working. A. Lot.  As in too fucking much.

I did however have the most epic night last night ever. I do mean EVER.  I was beyond starved for human interaction that didn\’t involve my lovely co-workers and/or children.  Oh speaking of children…  NEGATIVE HOORAY!

Not only that but real food that I actually went to the effort to make because I felt like it & other stuff (Thanks for the awesome goodies Maximus!).  Mostly, I just wanted to see him & his naked ass in my bed his adorable smiling face.  He\’s amazing and just what I wanted needed after such an insane two weeks of the non-stop-work-a-thon.   I also needed some serious self indulgence and I decided to share and it was wonderful extrodinary MIND. BLOWING.  and I\’m still smiling <3

The sleep deprivation?  Totally worth it!  Even though I felt like today was never going to end (it did end late oops).

I\’d like to know where on earth my glasses are!  10 days my ass!  That nausea?  Stress & migraines due to my awesome inability to not see properly and working too damn much.  I finally get a break on Saturday YAY! 🙂  Going to my favorite museum ever & I\’m SO excited!

Life\’s been pretty crazy, however totally worth it!  Got a tattoo appointment on the 3rd & the 10th!  Things are good, I\’m quite content.  I\’m actually not waiting for the bottom to fall out of it for a change.  Who knew?

What can I say?  All the BS is finally paying off and you know what?  I\’m enjoying it immensely! Which brings me to this song (in regards to past, not current things):

I took a drive today
Time to emancipate
I guess it was the beatings made me wise
But I\’m not about to give thanks or apologize
I couldn\’t breathe holdin\’ me down
Hand on my face kissin\’ the ground
Enmity gauged united by fear
\’Posed to endure what I could not forgive…

I seem to look away
Wounds in the mirror waved
It wasn\’t my surface most defiled
Head at your feet fool to your crown
Fist on my plate, swallowed it down
Enmity gauged, united by fear
Tried to endure what I could not forgive

Saw things
Clearer
Once you, were in my…Rearview mirror…

I gather speed from you fucking with me
Once and for all I\’m far away
I hardly believe, finally the shades…are raised…hey…

Saw things so much clearer
Once you, once you…
Rearview mirror

Saw things so much clearer
Once you…oh yeah…

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Good things come

to those that wait.

Sometimes at least right?  Got rudely awakened  by the phone this morning which normally irritates the hell out of me and I was cranky and tired so I didn\’t answer it.  Turns out it was the daycare calling me with a job offer which I happily accepted!  No more insane schedule!  I\’m pretty sure I\’m not the only one who\’s going to be happy about that.  As much as I love my foray\’s into the wee hours of the morning, I at least have the option of going to bed as opposed to going straight to work.  After all its hardly fair.  Right?  I don\’t expect anyone to cater to me at all, give and take is where its at after all!  In any case this is one situation where I will happily take responsibility for my own actions.  I always do anyway as a rule but some instances are far better then others!

So yeah pretty stoked about that!  Its a little more money and I of course have the option of staying at COC as well, which I will because I need the cash!  Got to pay off my Visa, I want need another tattoo, school and a million other things.  The nice thing about this place is that I work from 7:30-2:30 M-F YAY!  So I\’ll snag a few shifts from the other place and hopefully get caught up and can still maintain some semblance of a life.  Who knew?  We\’ll see what happens, there\’s one thing that concerns me but I\’m not going to let that bother me too much until I have too.  Let\’s just hope that doesn\’t kick me in the ass, which it very well might.  If it does, well its no one\’s fault but my own.  The only downfall to this week is that I\’m working at the day care Thursday & Friday, then I have a photo-shoot that I totally kinda forgot about  Saturday afternoon for a rather interesting art book.  Then working at COC over the weekend which means no days off until the following Saturday.  Ah well, if that\’s what I have to do then so be it.  Going to totally throw off my sleeping pattern but I\’m thinking that\’s not such a bad thing!

So in spite of the slightly irritating things that have occurred as of late, things are pretty damn good where they matter 🙂

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a whole lot of WTF and reunions!

Well this weekend has been the up-most roller coaster ride straight out of hell!  Work, well what can I say work is work.  Although I have to give kudos to the new guy!  He\’s my new bitch 😉  Seriously, he really is.  He\’s doing a pretty great job though I have to admit!  Lots of positive changes around work which is good.  Maybe in the end we\’ll all be happier!  I\’ve been itching to \”Steph-a-fy-\” that kitchen since I started working there and I finally got the backing, go ahead and support that I need from all the bosses and owners so that\’s pretty freaking awesome!

Then the other night I came home, checked my facebook and lo and behold there\’s a friend request from a very dear friend of mine that sadly feel out of my life for a number of reasons.  I knew he was on FB but didn\’t muster up the nerve to actually put forth the effort to \”be-friend\” him again.  That was the better part of 2 years ago and well he found me after 2 years of searching.  He spelled my last name wrong, which more often then not most people do.  So I guess we have been reunited once again which is nice actually!  I really missed him!  We were really close friends, and he was my rock when my life was horribly out of control in my early 20\’s.  I knew I could count on him and he on me.  He was the person when you felt like you had almost no one that you could count on, let alone trust but he was always there.  I cherished that friendship and I can\’t/won\’t go as far to say that we can \”pick up the pieces\” seeing as how we live in different provinces but still nice to re-connect just the same 🙂

So while I was having a nostalgic moment  I thought I would scope out my ex just to see if B was friends with G and turns out they weren\’t but then I discovered another old friend from my old life of long ago (by that I mean the 15-22yrs).   So we then played catch up and he\’s doing really well too which is fabulous!  I too wondered what on earth happened to him and how he was doing.  I have to say that out of the things I don\’t remember from that time period one thing I fondly recall is his going away party.  Which was the most epic toga party EVER!

Then while looking for something in my other not too often used e-mail address I got an e-mail from Jeremie whom I pretty much assumed that I wouldn\’t have anything to do with him because I apparently gave him the wrong impression about something inadvertently & unintentionally before and at least he was man enough to tell me as opposed to some people who just figure that they can ignore me and that\’s that…  But I\’m saving that for last…  Anyway he e-mailed me 5 days ago and I still had his number in my old cell phone so I figured since my other plans totally fell through,  why not give him a call.  So we ended up hanging out from about 9-ish til midnight so that was OK I guess.  Granted I had my head up my ass the whole time he was here…  Mostly because I was pissed at Micheal.  But whatever, at least my night wasn\’t a total loss.  Granted it could have been better… meh, whatever.0  I just really hate when people waste my time like that!

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