Category Archives: Jason

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Out with the old…

In with a new start and a foundation to boot!  Who knew?  So that\’s it, I finally achieved something.

Kinda.

I\’ve been talking about starting Jason\’s foundation for a while now.  I finally made it happen.   Now I just need to get the last piece of government approval and a notary to get the ball truly rolling.

I opted not to wait for government approval before getting started because things need to change NOW.

Like yesterday.

I lost 10 months of my life to grief, needless to say, I\’m in a bit of a hurry.

I\’m looking forward to this new journey, hoping that only good things will emerge.

Maybe.

Only time will tell…

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I\’m breaking up with you!

Dear Grief

How have you been doing?  Hanging out, making my life miserable?  Anything else new and exciting?  I just wanted to let you know that we\’re done.  Yep you read that right, its over between you and me.  I have good things in my life and some seriously bitching people as well.  Yet there you are hovering above my sub-conscious mind like the most epic natural disaster waiting to strike someone me dead.

Except I\’m not going to let you.

I\’m tired of you bringing me down.  I don\’t like you, as a matter of fact I can\’t say I ever did.  I don\’t hate anyone or anything.  As a matter of fact I accept that you will turn up in my life once again.  However next time can it be for a reasonable explanation?  Not because one of my friends decided that it was OK to play God and in turn break mine & countless other people\’s hearts.  That would be fabulous.  I hope that isn\’t too much to ask for.

I decided that I want my life back, so you know what?

I\’m going to take it.

Sincerely, Steph

Dear Broken heart,

I think it\’s time you and I had a chat about this whole being broken thing.  It\’s pretty sad when I can say to someone :\”You can\’t break my heart because it\’s already broken.\”  I have a problem with that, not to mention feeling dead inside.  So you along with your friend grief, no longer have a place in my life anymore.  I know you and that bastard grief will team up and invade my life once again.  Possibly you\’ll just show up on your own making me wish that I was a little girl again because:

Skinned knees are easier to heal then a broken heart.

However times have changed and I need to move on.  I\’ve gathered up all the pieces that are left, knowing that it will never look/feel/be the same again.  I have learned to accept this for what it is because there\’s nothing I can do to replace the pieces that were destroyed in your last crusade.  I can however take a long hard look at the pieces that are left and possibly make them resemble something spectacular.  Oh I know that you\’ll come around one day again and destroy my work of art that I have spent the better part of 9 months slaving over.  However in the meantime, I can take what I learned from this whole experience and turn it into something meaningful, special and beautiful.  You can\’t take that away from me.  Even if its only that way to me.  Because really I\’m the only one who matters in this relationship anymore.

I however have news for you; aside from some extreme circumstances I don\’t think that it\’s possible for me to ever hurt that much ever again and I am more then OK with that as a matter of fact.  Because I got through this and even though I totally underestimated the possibility of actually dying from a broken heart, I now fully acknowledge that it is entirely possible.

Only if you let it.

I however can\’t let you do that, so this is where you and I part ways.  We are done and when the time comes that you and I shall meet again I might not be ready and I sure as hell won\’t be waiting but I\’ll know deep down that somewhere, somehow I\’ll make it through and come out on top.  Somewhere, somehow I will find the strength.  I can\’t let you defeat me, it\’s a matter of principal really.

Drop dead.

Love, Steph.

Dear people in my life who suck,

I guess I should \”man up\” and tell you all of this separately face to face but that takes too much time and effort.  You see I\’m busy trying to live again.  Refer to Dear Grief, Dear Broken heart if you don\’t understand this statement.

Quite simply, you have proven to me that you have no place in my life anymore.  That\’s right your actions or lack thereof have brought you to this point.  It\’s really not anything personal, I just decided to do a clean sweep.  You see after September 3rd 2009 my life changed drastically.  You weren\’t there for me when I needed someone the most.  Perhaps what I went through scared the shit out of you, that\’s fine.

Try living through it.

I have since discovered that the people who belong in my life are the one\’s who will let me indulge in my tears and offer me their shoulder to cry on.  The one\’s who wouldn\’t let me sit on my ass at home and cry because they were too worried to leave me alone and out of their sight.  I\’m glad they did, those days were some of the happiest times I have ever had and I\’ll cherish them.  The people who stuck by me as I slugged through the worst period of my life and didn\’t run off because I had far too much emotional baggage yet they still recognized that I had space left for them in my life regardless.  The one\’s who reminded me and continue to remind me that Rome wasn\’t built in a day, who wholly support my foundation to honour the passing of one of the most selfless people I have ever had the privilege to know.

The people who encouraged me when I said I was breaking up with grief, the people who told me that it was still \”new\”/hadn\’t been that long and it was OK to cry, scream and yell.

Those people are the people I want in my life.  People who in spite of myself somehow love me to pieces even when I know personally that I\’m a hard person to love, even the one\’s that don\’t; I still know that they\’ll stand by me and care.  Which is exactly what I need the most.

Which is why we are done now.  I\’m sorry it had to be this way, however actions will always speak louder then words to me.  Its been your actions that led me to this decision and I\’m not sorry that I had to let you go because you were sadly just weighing me down.  I hope you understand that I refuse to drown.

Here\’s to no more failing in life,

Steph

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Depression, a boy & his puppy, oh and art.

\”Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn\’t permanent.\” – Jean Kerr

Couldn\’t have said it better myself.  Which is precisely the feeling I\’ve had pretty much all of last week.  As in, I hope this goes away, you know like yesterday?  So its been

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Since Jason died, but hey, who\’s keeping track?  Most days I\’m pretty much OK.  Wed April 21st? Not such an OK day, nor were the days leading up to it either.  As a matter of fact, those (the days leading to) were the worst.  A few years ago Jason asked me what it was like to be 30.  I simply & honestly replied \”Dude the first 6 months of being 30 were the best 6 months of my life\” and they were.  On. So. Many. Levels.  He replied with something to the effect of:\”I hope mine is just as good, gives me something to aim for/look forward to.  Except Jason didn\’t make it to be thirty years old.  Wed April 21st 2010 was Jason\’s 30th birthday.  That was a hard day.  A dark day if you will.  That whole week?  Hello depression!
I shut pretty much everyone out, I really didn\’t bother to correspond with anyone if I could help it and it sucked balls.  I\’m not going to lie.  You see, I had a conversation with someone not so long ago that sounded a little something like this:
Them:\”I don\’t ever say I\’m depressed, just \”sad\”.
Me: \”See, that pisses me off.\”
Them:\”Why?\”
Me: \”Because I am SO sick of the stigma around depression!  Sometimes you get depressed briefly, usually after a period of grief, its very common.  Also depression is a disease that affects so many people and those people sometimes don\’t get help because of statements like that!  Either they\’re afraid of the \”social stigma\” or too embarrassed or something along those lines. \”
Them: \”Well since you put it that way, you have a point\”
I at least like to think that I do…
Jason was a diagnosed manic depressive.  It made him suicidal.  Hence my burning desire to start Jason\’s memorial foundation.  These people who are suffering either briefly, or for the long term need to know that we are NOT afraid of how they feel!  Its human instinct to try and \”make someone feel better\” however I now know that its impossible.  Support them? Yes!  Make them feel as if they\’re less alone? Absolutely!  However \”feeling better\” in its truest form takes time, love, support and a whole lot of patience.  I hit an all time low last week that scared the shit out of me.  Not suicidal low, just OMG I haven\’t ever felt this \”dark\” inside in my entire life and it freaked me out.  I sought immediate help.  After doing a quick Google search I found  GROWW: Grief recovery online while this site is a bit of a pain in the ass to navigate, it was well worth the effort.
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Ohhh FFS!

I\’m still sick, not nearly as bad as I was on Monday or Tuesday mind you.  However I still sound like a combination of Darth Vader and a coffee maker gone horribly wrong.  This is what I get for doing the things I do.  I was Mostly OK on Sunday.  Well OK enough to see him after I pumped myself full of drugs, took a bath and almost killed both my cats in the process.  In spite of the fact that I felt like (and still do feel like) a bloated  cow…  I\’m also feeling tres barftastique!  For real…  I had to get blood work done on Sunday, that is always fun.  Maybe then I\’ll discover what the hell is wrong with me. I can nap on demand and my body aches all. the. damn. time.

I also feel compelled to point out this: \”Love may be blind, however I am not in love. I also have glasses that didn\’t come with the rose colored tint, so I can also see ;)\”  Although Jen had a valid point with this: \”if love blind pluck it out and see not with rose colored glass but look into the soul and u will see clearly if your attended is worthy of your love\”

Why do you ask?

Because I refer to him as Mr. Almost Perfect.  As in almost perfect FOR me.  I like him, we get on well.  However like I said to him the other day, the stars got knocked out of my eyes a LONG time ago.  I am not infatuated with him, nor am I in love with him.  I do however enjoy his company immensely.  Its new & I\’m not looking too far ahead.  Right now I\’m just enjoying the moments as they come.  Besides no one truly knows our situation except for us.  So needless to say I got rather annoyed flat out irritated when one of my friends felt the need to point out that no one is perfect, let alone almost perfect.  On my facebook wall no less.  She felt that I \”needed a reminder\”.  Um hmm.  OK how about you stay outta my personal life and drop dead. mind your own business?  What am I some starry eyed 15 year old?  No I happen to be on the edge of being *cough 32 cough* I see no need for any sort of alarm or concern.  Either of which is horribly misplaced.  I know what I\’ve been through, last time I recall I was there.  I am not a naive fool thanks.  If you feel the need to comment on anything I do in my life, then fucking well message me privately.  Even my mom & her mom both said that I wasn\’t in need of a reality check.  Thanks though, however if I wanted your opinion; I would gladly give it to you.

For real.

Apparently that pissed me off more then I thought it did. Who knew?  Which is why I deleted that post & the argument/comments that followed.  It was getting a tad ridiculous!

In other news…

I\’ve been corresponding quite a bit with Jason\’s mom.  Who\’s been nothing short of wonderful!  She wants to bring Jason\’s ashes to Canada.  He always wanted to come & I believe it was last 2 summer\’s ago  that he almost made it here too.  Well to Toronto for BME fest.  I was mighty pissed that I wasn\’t going to be able to meet him, except he wasn\’t able to cross the border due to a lack of a passport.  So the poor guy got stuck in Buffalo NY.  So of course pending she decides to bring him here (which I\’m assuming she will) I\’ll get to \”meet him\” in retrospect, however that wasn\’t what I had in mind…  However I think it will be nice to have a memorial service and scatter his ashes with his mom and whomever else chooses to be in attendance that day.  Yeah I know that\’s technically not legal but hey, why not?

So out of curiosity I checked out the price of airline tickets on Expedia.  Carlsbad has an airport and so does Montreal, so that made searching easy.  The cost blew. my. fucking. mind.  Almost $1300.00 yes that would be thirteen hundred freaking dollars for a round trip ticket!  Yet for about the same price I could go to you know Cuba and stay in a 5 star all inclusive resort for a week.  W.T.F.!?!  I wonder how long it would take to drive there… One day and 12 hours according to Google maps (of course I had to check you know). Not that I would do such a thing but you know what I mean?  I think Jason was taking the bus across the border into Niagara Falls and grabbing a flight from there to Toronto.  Can\’t recall now, obviously it doesn\’t matter that much.

Something to ponder anyway.

On a final note, I really want a cupcake!