They say that imitation is the most sincerest form of flattery, which is a phrase that tends to come to mind when I get a memorial tattoo. For me tattoos are like therapy, its something beautiful to look at in spite of the pain you may experience and something that you can cherish all the days when your loved one is gone. In some cases it can also bring some much needed closure when you can\’t find it anywhere else.
On September 3rd 2009 I got some of the most tragic news I had ever experienced in my entire life. Jason Cartwright who was my dear friend, confidant and business partner had passed away in the wee hours of the morning. The shock and the pain of getting that news was the metaphorical equivalent to that of being hit by a mac truck. I screamed, I yelled and I cried what felt like a river of tears. I haven\’t been the same since that day, nor do I ever expect to be again. Oddly enough it was a love of modifications that brought Jason and I together. Jason mentioned on a few occasions that he wanted to get another tattoo and commented that he would love if I designed one for him. I\’m pretty sure that what I have, wasn\’t what he himself had in mind. I can certainly say that its not what I had in mind in the first place, as I would very much prefer to have designed a tattoo for him to wear as opposed to myself.
I still have a ton of questions that I know will never have any answers. I never did blame myself for what he did, I did however become so consumed with quilt over his death that I was afraid it was going to swallow me whole. Had he died as the result of some horrible disease, or an accident of some kind then maybe I could have at least come to terms with what happened. Jason\’s suicide wasn\’t a total surprise but I felt as if I could have done more. I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn\’t pay nearly enough attention to what was going on around me. I had this nagging voice in my head to e-mail him, to reach out and let him know that I was OK and more importantly to remind him that even though things weren\’t that great that they would be OK sooner or later. I kept saying to myself, tomorrow I\’ll e-mail him just to let him know that I was there. Reminds me of the Charles Hanson Towne poem: Around the corner Plenty of tomorrows came and went and I never did send that e-mail like I had intended. Would it have made a difference? Maybe, perhaps just for a little while longer. I\’ll never truly know. The what ifs, the maybes, the could have, should have but didn\’t ran through my mind for months. I knew I wanted to get a tattoo to represent him and how much he meant to me but it was really a matter of what.
See to me, memorial tattoos should signify the person. A permanent representation of what they meant to you. Problem with that was I knew Jason on a very personal, almost intimate level but in some ways I never really \”knew him\”, what he liked and things of that nature aside from programming. So needless to say I was totally stuck on that one. I had already decided on the script previously, which oddly enough I seen on the back of someone\’s shirt in the metro one day. That however was back in the summer and I had originally wanted to add that to the memorial pieces I already had on my chest.