Category Archives: Love! <3

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Tick tock

What the fuck?  That\’s the sound of Steph\’s biological clock…

To coin a phrase from a friend:\” Sweet baby Jesus I\’m fucking screwed!\”

OK well she doesn\’t usually say that, but close!
She uses sweet baby Jesus a lot.  Now I can see why!

So I had a horrific revelation of sorts the other day…  I work in a daycare.  Which is beyond hilarious if you really knew me.  Why?  Because I am was so anti baby it would blow your mind!  When I worked at the tea room, parents would think that we were their babysitters.  One time I told someone that if they didn\’t keep an eye on their child who was being utterly disruptive to other patrons (running around and into my kitchen and hanging out at other people\’s tables while mommy was playing catch up with a friend), that I would duct tape them to the chair.  Not to mention the mother who was breastfeeding her baby FACING the huge bay window of the tea shop not covered up what so ever.  I\’m not talking a discreet breastfeeding display here either, she may as well had her whole shirt off .  OK, no I don\’t have a problem with breastfeeding in public (never have).  So before all you public breast feeding pro choice people come and burn my house down, chill out for a moment.

It sucks to live your life according to others standards of decency but you can’t discount that they will often have an affect on you and yours so I’m trying to tread lightly and find that middle ground. I personally could care less, I have my own pair of breasts to stare at all the time and they\’re fan-freaking-tastic if I do say so myself 😉

Breasts provide nutrition for the little\’s, but they\’re also sexual things as well.  Argue all you want about the topic but its true.  For example: This:

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This:

\"\"Anyway this isn\’t about breastfeeding, but regardless of how natural it IS, some people aren\’t cool with that.  IE: my uptight customers, or even me as I\’m setting your scones down on your table and getting a face full of boob (I\’m not thirsty thanks, and I have enough milk in my coffee already).  Feed your kids all you want, I\’m all about saving money!  Except maybe be a  little discreet about it, there\’s no need to show off all the goodies right?  There\’s nothing wrong with it, and I fail to see anything sexual about breastfeeding either mind you.  Although I am sure that countless others would beg to differ.

I\’m currently waiting for the hate brigade to show up at my door.

That and countless other things that have turned me off from wanting to have kids…  Like stretch marks, I have enough of those already thank you.

I don\’t need more.  Do. Not. Want. Thanks.

Then I met Elliot.

Swoon!

I seen him during the tour my co-worker was giving him of the daycare.  They always make a stop in the kitchen to introduce them to the Chef (me) and show them the facilities that we have in store.

It was love at first sight.

One look at those huge blue eyes, two chins, those itty bitty feet, chubby little hands and the most perfect cupid bows mouth would have you falling for this adorable little as well.  OMG I have never in a million years been so smitten by someone\’s baby!

With the exception of my niece and nephew of course, because they\’re perfect!  Not to mention my friends little\’s OMG they\’re so cute!

Anyway Elliot is my latest \”boyfriend\” at the daycare.  They say the way to a man\’s heart is through his stomach and seeing as how all the little boys at the daycare love me, this must be true.

I\’m quite popular with the little\’s for this reason.

Anyway moving along…  My period was is all messed up for a few reasons, and now that I\’m not on my pills for the moment, my damn hormones seem to be all over the place.  So Wed. I made my morning trek into the nursery and seen my adorable sweetheart Elliot and this feeling of longing came over me.  I didn\’t want to put him back down, I just wanted to hold this child forever and take him home.

Wait WHAT!?!  *enter the sound of screeching here*

Dear God my first though was…

I\’m turning into one of those people.

You know, the one\’s whose ages start to creep up on you and stuff.  I just turned 32, this is what I have to look forward to for the next few years, you know until I get all menopausal like?  Or con, bribe find a Dr.who will tie my tubes, or better yet, just yank it ALL out?

Because my OBGYN won\’t *Le sigh*

Are you kidding me?!?

Ah but sweet Elliot, I have to get a picture of this kid, because he\’s just so damn cute!  As I was leaving on Wed, I of course had to stop in and fight the urge to steal say good-bye  to my adorable sweetheart Elliot.  I put him down to leave and as soon as I turned and walked away he started to cry 🙁  I turned around and looked back at him and he looked at me with one lone tear rolling down his cheek with the worlds biggest pout on those lips and my heart melted.

Then of course reality kicks in, the cost, the time, did I mention the money?  Oh yeah and then I can turn into one of those mommy bloggers.  You know the type that have NOTHING to say other then what their children ate/slept/shit/barfed?  Yeah I can\’t stand them either.  While some are a wealth of information when you have no where to turn (I like useful things like that!) I like my mommy blogger friends/people I read the best.  Because while they do in fact talk about their children, they have other things to talk about as well.

So that at least makes it interesting to read and I can on occasion go AWE!  Oh yeah and feel my uterus contract with need and longing…

No only do they talk about their adorable children, there\’s things like dealing with the possibility of having another…

This is why I love Tracy!

Also not to mention that reading her last blog post, essentially took a sledge hammer to my clock and smashed it to pieces, this is another reason why I love her!

Thank you sweet baby Jesus for that!


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I\’m breaking up with you!

Dear Grief

How have you been doing?  Hanging out, making my life miserable?  Anything else new and exciting?  I just wanted to let you know that we\’re done.  Yep you read that right, its over between you and me.  I have good things in my life and some seriously bitching people as well.  Yet there you are hovering above my sub-conscious mind like the most epic natural disaster waiting to strike someone me dead.

Except I\’m not going to let you.

I\’m tired of you bringing me down.  I don\’t like you, as a matter of fact I can\’t say I ever did.  I don\’t hate anyone or anything.  As a matter of fact I accept that you will turn up in my life once again.  However next time can it be for a reasonable explanation?  Not because one of my friends decided that it was OK to play God and in turn break mine & countless other people\’s hearts.  That would be fabulous.  I hope that isn\’t too much to ask for.

I decided that I want my life back, so you know what?

I\’m going to take it.

Sincerely, Steph

Dear Broken heart,

I think it\’s time you and I had a chat about this whole being broken thing.  It\’s pretty sad when I can say to someone :\”You can\’t break my heart because it\’s already broken.\”  I have a problem with that, not to mention feeling dead inside.  So you along with your friend grief, no longer have a place in my life anymore.  I know you and that bastard grief will team up and invade my life once again.  Possibly you\’ll just show up on your own making me wish that I was a little girl again because:

Skinned knees are easier to heal then a broken heart.

However times have changed and I need to move on.  I\’ve gathered up all the pieces that are left, knowing that it will never look/feel/be the same again.  I have learned to accept this for what it is because there\’s nothing I can do to replace the pieces that were destroyed in your last crusade.  I can however take a long hard look at the pieces that are left and possibly make them resemble something spectacular.  Oh I know that you\’ll come around one day again and destroy my work of art that I have spent the better part of 9 months slaving over.  However in the meantime, I can take what I learned from this whole experience and turn it into something meaningful, special and beautiful.  You can\’t take that away from me.  Even if its only that way to me.  Because really I\’m the only one who matters in this relationship anymore.

I however have news for you; aside from some extreme circumstances I don\’t think that it\’s possible for me to ever hurt that much ever again and I am more then OK with that as a matter of fact.  Because I got through this and even though I totally underestimated the possibility of actually dying from a broken heart, I now fully acknowledge that it is entirely possible.

Only if you let it.

I however can\’t let you do that, so this is where you and I part ways.  We are done and when the time comes that you and I shall meet again I might not be ready and I sure as hell won\’t be waiting but I\’ll know deep down that somewhere, somehow I\’ll make it through and come out on top.  Somewhere, somehow I will find the strength.  I can\’t let you defeat me, it\’s a matter of principal really.

Drop dead.

Love, Steph.

Dear people in my life who suck,

I guess I should \”man up\” and tell you all of this separately face to face but that takes too much time and effort.  You see I\’m busy trying to live again.  Refer to Dear Grief, Dear Broken heart if you don\’t understand this statement.

Quite simply, you have proven to me that you have no place in my life anymore.  That\’s right your actions or lack thereof have brought you to this point.  It\’s really not anything personal, I just decided to do a clean sweep.  You see after September 3rd 2009 my life changed drastically.  You weren\’t there for me when I needed someone the most.  Perhaps what I went through scared the shit out of you, that\’s fine.

Try living through it.

I have since discovered that the people who belong in my life are the one\’s who will let me indulge in my tears and offer me their shoulder to cry on.  The one\’s who wouldn\’t let me sit on my ass at home and cry because they were too worried to leave me alone and out of their sight.  I\’m glad they did, those days were some of the happiest times I have ever had and I\’ll cherish them.  The people who stuck by me as I slugged through the worst period of my life and didn\’t run off because I had far too much emotional baggage yet they still recognized that I had space left for them in my life regardless.  The one\’s who reminded me and continue to remind me that Rome wasn\’t built in a day, who wholly support my foundation to honour the passing of one of the most selfless people I have ever had the privilege to know.

The people who encouraged me when I said I was breaking up with grief, the people who told me that it was still \”new\”/hadn\’t been that long and it was OK to cry, scream and yell.

Those people are the people I want in my life.  People who in spite of myself somehow love me to pieces even when I know personally that I\’m a hard person to love, even the one\’s that don\’t; I still know that they\’ll stand by me and care.  Which is exactly what I need the most.

Which is why we are done now.  I\’m sorry it had to be this way, however actions will always speak louder then words to me.  Its been your actions that led me to this decision and I\’m not sorry that I had to let you go because you were sadly just weighing me down.  I hope you understand that I refuse to drown.

Here\’s to no more failing in life,

Steph

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Happy Mother\’s day Mom!

I love my mom, my mom=win more so then anyone Else\’s.  I can say that because we all know that its true for the following reasons:

  1. My mom & I get tattooed, sometimes together sometimes not.
  2. My mom has piercings, cool ones at that.
  3. My mom & I go to bars, which rocks the awesome.
  4. My mom and I can swap all kinds of secrets and that\’s exceptionally cool.
  5. My mom & I would totally go to a strip club together.  I am so taking her to 281 when she comes next time.  Early so we get better seats on a Thursday or something.  Saturday was crazy but I\’ll save that for another day.
  6. My mom and I have gotten wasted together on a few occasions 😉
  7. My mom bailed me out of jail once.  I\’ll save that story for another day.
  8. My mom is my best friend <3

Those are just a few reasons why my mom rocks the awesome on so many levels.  If I wrote them all, this entry would be a mile and a half long.

I love my mom, no matter how bad I fucked up and on occasion still do so, she still loves me.  My mom has taught me a million things but the most important things being: Patience. UN-conditional love.  My life simply wouldn\’t be the same without her and that\’s what really matters at the end of the day.

Thanks for bringing me into this world mom.  For all the hugs, the skinned knees that were magically made better, for making so many sacrifices just so that I didn\’t go without anything, for dishing out the tough love and teaching me the meaning of: You made your bed,now your going to lie in it and for just being really, really freaking awesome.

I love you and I appreciate you more then you will ever know.

Love, Steph

Before I was myself you made me, me
With love and patience, discipline and tears,
Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free,

Allowing me to sail upon my sea,
Though well within the headlands of your fears.
Before I was myself you made me, me

With dreams enough of what I was to be
And hopes that would be sculpted by the years,
Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free,

Relinquishing your powers gradually
To let me shape myself among my peers.
Before I was myself you made me, me,

And being good and wise, you gracefully
As dancers when the last sweet cadence nears
Bit by bit stepped back to set me free.

For love inspires learning naturally:
The mind assents to what the heart reveres.
And so it was through love you made me, me
By slowly stepping back to set me free.


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Depression, a boy & his puppy, oh and art.

\”Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn\’t permanent.\” – Jean Kerr

Couldn\’t have said it better myself.  Which is precisely the feeling I\’ve had pretty much all of last week.  As in, I hope this goes away, you know like yesterday?  So its been

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Since Jason died, but hey, who\’s keeping track?  Most days I\’m pretty much OK.  Wed April 21st? Not such an OK day, nor were the days leading up to it either.  As a matter of fact, those (the days leading to) were the worst.  A few years ago Jason asked me what it was like to be 30.  I simply & honestly replied \”Dude the first 6 months of being 30 were the best 6 months of my life\” and they were.  On. So. Many. Levels.  He replied with something to the effect of:\”I hope mine is just as good, gives me something to aim for/look forward to.  Except Jason didn\’t make it to be thirty years old.  Wed April 21st 2010 was Jason\’s 30th birthday.  That was a hard day.  A dark day if you will.  That whole week?  Hello depression!
I shut pretty much everyone out, I really didn\’t bother to correspond with anyone if I could help it and it sucked balls.  I\’m not going to lie.  You see, I had a conversation with someone not so long ago that sounded a little something like this:
Them:\”I don\’t ever say I\’m depressed, just \”sad\”.
Me: \”See, that pisses me off.\”
Them:\”Why?\”
Me: \”Because I am SO sick of the stigma around depression!  Sometimes you get depressed briefly, usually after a period of grief, its very common.  Also depression is a disease that affects so many people and those people sometimes don\’t get help because of statements like that!  Either they\’re afraid of the \”social stigma\” or too embarrassed or something along those lines. \”
Them: \”Well since you put it that way, you have a point\”
I at least like to think that I do…
Jason was a diagnosed manic depressive.  It made him suicidal.  Hence my burning desire to start Jason\’s memorial foundation.  These people who are suffering either briefly, or for the long term need to know that we are NOT afraid of how they feel!  Its human instinct to try and \”make someone feel better\” however I now know that its impossible.  Support them? Yes!  Make them feel as if they\’re less alone? Absolutely!  However \”feeling better\” in its truest form takes time, love, support and a whole lot of patience.  I hit an all time low last week that scared the shit out of me.  Not suicidal low, just OMG I haven\’t ever felt this \”dark\” inside in my entire life and it freaked me out.  I sought immediate help.  After doing a quick Google search I found  GROWW: Grief recovery online while this site is a bit of a pain in the ass to navigate, it was well worth the effort.