Category Archives: Deep thoughts with Steph

by

This is what I\’ve been doing lately.

The have\’s:

  • Thinking a lot about the best advice I was ever given.  Thank You Jason! <3
  • Thinking far too much about him…
  • Thinking about making a homemade flame thrower to burn down a proverbial forest.
  • Sorting out my papers and maybe even doing my taxes.
  • Working on Jason\’s foundation.
  • Getting ready to quit smoking…  Everyone else is doing it, so hey why not follow for a change.
  • Letting down my guard and taking a huge leap of faith, all the while praying that it doesn\’t bite me in the ass…
  • Keeping the hives under control (or at least trying too, I can feel the little bastards dancing under my skin just waiting to break out all over my face and have an anaphalixis party like no other)
  • Eating far too much pizza!
  • Reading, lots and lots of reading!

The have not\’s:

  • Shaving my legs, oh and my armpits, Jesus Christ I keep this up and I will look like a freaking Sasquatch!
  • Birth Control pills.  Stopped taking those for a while.  Mostly because my prescription is almost out and I still have to get off my ass and renew my medicare card so I can get more.  Besides, not like I\’m getting any at the moment so really, who gives a shit?
  • Laundry.  There\’s still a huge pile of it in my kitchen no less that needs to be put away.
  • Canceled videotron\’s services that I simply don\’t use.
  • Returned phone calls/texts and e-mails.  What can I say, I don\’t feel like talking to anyone.  Maybe that\’s why I haven\’t called Videotron, aside from the fact that they\’re total douche-bags.
by

Out with the old…

In with a new start and a foundation to boot!  Who knew?  So that\’s it, I finally achieved something.

Kinda.

I\’ve been talking about starting Jason\’s foundation for a while now.  I finally made it happen.   Now I just need to get the last piece of government approval and a notary to get the ball truly rolling.

I opted not to wait for government approval before getting started because things need to change NOW.

Like yesterday.

I lost 10 months of my life to grief, needless to say, I\’m in a bit of a hurry.

I\’m looking forward to this new journey, hoping that only good things will emerge.

Maybe.

Only time will tell…

by

I\’m breaking up with you!

Dear Grief

How have you been doing?  Hanging out, making my life miserable?  Anything else new and exciting?  I just wanted to let you know that we\’re done.  Yep you read that right, its over between you and me.  I have good things in my life and some seriously bitching people as well.  Yet there you are hovering above my sub-conscious mind like the most epic natural disaster waiting to strike someone me dead.

Except I\’m not going to let you.

I\’m tired of you bringing me down.  I don\’t like you, as a matter of fact I can\’t say I ever did.  I don\’t hate anyone or anything.  As a matter of fact I accept that you will turn up in my life once again.  However next time can it be for a reasonable explanation?  Not because one of my friends decided that it was OK to play God and in turn break mine & countless other people\’s hearts.  That would be fabulous.  I hope that isn\’t too much to ask for.

I decided that I want my life back, so you know what?

I\’m going to take it.

Sincerely, Steph

Dear Broken heart,

I think it\’s time you and I had a chat about this whole being broken thing.  It\’s pretty sad when I can say to someone :\”You can\’t break my heart because it\’s already broken.\”  I have a problem with that, not to mention feeling dead inside.  So you along with your friend grief, no longer have a place in my life anymore.  I know you and that bastard grief will team up and invade my life once again.  Possibly you\’ll just show up on your own making me wish that I was a little girl again because:

Skinned knees are easier to heal then a broken heart.

However times have changed and I need to move on.  I\’ve gathered up all the pieces that are left, knowing that it will never look/feel/be the same again.  I have learned to accept this for what it is because there\’s nothing I can do to replace the pieces that were destroyed in your last crusade.  I can however take a long hard look at the pieces that are left and possibly make them resemble something spectacular.  Oh I know that you\’ll come around one day again and destroy my work of art that I have spent the better part of 9 months slaving over.  However in the meantime, I can take what I learned from this whole experience and turn it into something meaningful, special and beautiful.  You can\’t take that away from me.  Even if its only that way to me.  Because really I\’m the only one who matters in this relationship anymore.

I however have news for you; aside from some extreme circumstances I don\’t think that it\’s possible for me to ever hurt that much ever again and I am more then OK with that as a matter of fact.  Because I got through this and even though I totally underestimated the possibility of actually dying from a broken heart, I now fully acknowledge that it is entirely possible.

Only if you let it.

I however can\’t let you do that, so this is where you and I part ways.  We are done and when the time comes that you and I shall meet again I might not be ready and I sure as hell won\’t be waiting but I\’ll know deep down that somewhere, somehow I\’ll make it through and come out on top.  Somewhere, somehow I will find the strength.  I can\’t let you defeat me, it\’s a matter of principal really.

Drop dead.

Love, Steph.

Dear people in my life who suck,

I guess I should \”man up\” and tell you all of this separately face to face but that takes too much time and effort.  You see I\’m busy trying to live again.  Refer to Dear Grief, Dear Broken heart if you don\’t understand this statement.

Quite simply, you have proven to me that you have no place in my life anymore.  That\’s right your actions or lack thereof have brought you to this point.  It\’s really not anything personal, I just decided to do a clean sweep.  You see after September 3rd 2009 my life changed drastically.  You weren\’t there for me when I needed someone the most.  Perhaps what I went through scared the shit out of you, that\’s fine.

Try living through it.

I have since discovered that the people who belong in my life are the one\’s who will let me indulge in my tears and offer me their shoulder to cry on.  The one\’s who wouldn\’t let me sit on my ass at home and cry because they were too worried to leave me alone and out of their sight.  I\’m glad they did, those days were some of the happiest times I have ever had and I\’ll cherish them.  The people who stuck by me as I slugged through the worst period of my life and didn\’t run off because I had far too much emotional baggage yet they still recognized that I had space left for them in my life regardless.  The one\’s who reminded me and continue to remind me that Rome wasn\’t built in a day, who wholly support my foundation to honour the passing of one of the most selfless people I have ever had the privilege to know.

The people who encouraged me when I said I was breaking up with grief, the people who told me that it was still \”new\”/hadn\’t been that long and it was OK to cry, scream and yell.

Those people are the people I want in my life.  People who in spite of myself somehow love me to pieces even when I know personally that I\’m a hard person to love, even the one\’s that don\’t; I still know that they\’ll stand by me and care.  Which is exactly what I need the most.

Which is why we are done now.  I\’m sorry it had to be this way, however actions will always speak louder then words to me.  Its been your actions that led me to this decision and I\’m not sorry that I had to let you go because you were sadly just weighing me down.  I hope you understand that I refuse to drown.

Here\’s to no more failing in life,

Steph

by

Ghosts & sex

I have a poster art print thingy in my living room that I think is simply stunning.  I\’d post an image but Pete still has my camera that somehow got wedged underneath the seat of his car.  Thankfully out of the clutches of Bandit the designer shoe chewing dog.

But I digress.  Some of my friends think its creepy, some people don\’t \”get it\” but they like it.  Others think its just kind of wrong given how Jason committed suicide.  However I sense that there is a correlation between my buying that particular print and his death (as Pete once presented forth to me and I did ponder this) seeing as how I got it two days after he died, while I was at the tattoo convention.

Something about it sucks you in.

I think its beautiful personally.

Its a depiction of a woman standing in front of some cardiogram graph thing with a beautiful tattoo on her hand going up her arm, a row of rose thorns around her neck causing her to bleed as she\’s smiling and holding a revolver to the side of her head.  I was captivated by this image, something about it spoke volumes to me and I had to have it.  I remember when I purchased it, the gentleman selling it to me pointed to the gun and said:

\”It\’s just a prop\”

I remember thinking in one of  my grief stricken moments I wish Jason\’s was just a prop.  It however was not.

Anyway, I can\’t afford no fancy frame for this oddly sized sucker so I went to Zellers and purchased a poster frame that\’s really just a piece of Plexiglas with a backing and the four sides that are all removable.  Except it doesn\’t always co-operate like it should.

Of course.

I was standing in my kitchen earlier this evening and I heard what can only be described as a ripping noise and I looked behind me and all I could see was this insane print swinging to & fro.  One of the sides had come away from the wall (it was being held in place with blue tac to help keep it straight on the wall because it doesn\’t lie flat.)  Then I got to thinking…

Perhaps its the new book that I\’m reading?  Its called follow, to summarize its a creepy book about a woman who\’s haunted by visits from dead people.  Then I got to thinking about the conversation that Ms. Jackson and I had a few days after Jason\’s demise and how she told me that if there was life after death then Jason would know how much I\’m hurting.  I got to thinking about this last night, more so because of something I wanted to do/should have done in my last e-mail but didn\’t.  So I thought to myself you know, I really do hope that there is life after death because even though he would see my world of hurt, he would know just how much I loved him too.

So then this whole poster thing happened and I ain\’t going to lie, it Creep-ed. Me. Right. The. Fuck. Out.  I looked at her and something about that print made my skin crawl.  Between my nerves, my stalker, that strange (but good) book I\’m reading, haunted encounters I have had in the past (I\’ll save that story for another day) and loosing my best friend I thought to myself what if a ghost comes to visit you and you\’re in the middle of something?

Like having sex for instance.

Do they stick around and watch?

Is there porn on the other side?

Strange to ponder I know but I got to thinking about this at random.  Then I thought to myself as I was walking around with no pants on, is he here?  Was that some sort of sign from him?

I\’m just not down with the deceased seeing my O face I guess 😉