Category Archives: Are you f’ing kidding me?!?

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Online dating: the do\’s & don\’t edition

Here\’s what slays me, in this day and age a lot of people utilize online dating websites.  It\’s a lot more convient then to bother going to all the trouble of trying to meet someone in person.  Most people won\’t own up to this though.  Every single guy I know who uses a popular (and free) dating site, the conversation always starts with: A buddy of mine set up a profile for me and I met this woman…  Online dating, the hidden shame of us all.  It is however, not without it\’s pitfalls…

I get a lot of messages depending on what category I place myself in.  I\’ve tested this theory out and the most attention grabbing (and also garnered the creepiest replies) was of course \’intimate encounters\’ a close second although not nearly as popular was dating.  Haven\’t ever bothered with a long term commitment, figure my in-box would look like a ghost town and that\’s not really what I\’m after from the get go anyway…  The whole hang out/e-mail talk thing hasn\’t ever been an option I\’ve chosen, nor activity partner.  I figure intimate encounters pretty much covers this, after all sex is an activity right?

Of course it is! 

Anyway…  Online there\’s no consequences, or at the very least not very many.  I personally keep my profile pretty brief and to the point.  Most people these days have short attention spans.  That being said:

Don\’t write a fucking novel!  Jesus Christ.  It\’s one thing to write a well thought out profile that show cases your highlights.  More often then not though, they usually start with something like OMG I am SO bad at talking about myself lulz and then they proceed to write their life stories, the cliff notes edition.

Use proper grammar and spelling!  Jesus Christ!  Is it really that difficult to spell out an entire word?  You know instead of U how about adding those three extra letters.  OR PEOPLE WHO TYPE LIKE THIS -or- my personal favorite LiKe THsI.  I had a discussion about this with someone last night.  Not bothering to use proper spelling and or grammar makes you look like a fucking idiot who didn\’t make it past grade 2.

Private messages: It\’s one thing to drop someone a quick word or five to open up the line\’s of communication.  However it is in poor taste to write a message to someone that is another novel that highlights your income, the kind of car that you drive and blah fucking blah.  You know what that says to a woman like me?  I\’m insecure and I\’ll buy you everything that you want because I\’m really trying to buy your love because dammit I need someone to fuck love me. Or that you\’re a materialistic douche bag.  Either way? Do. Not. Want.  Real woman who will like you for you and you alone, don\’t need to know your entire pedigree.  We\’re not buying a dog.

Comments on my pictures and or  my tattoos:  Yes I am pretty to most people, thank you.  However saying: \’Yeah but you\’re really hot, you must not be having any problems getting laid\” Well not usually no I don\’t.  However I don\’t need you to point that out.  Proves to me that you\’re terribly, terribly insecure.

NOT ATTRACTIVE!  

Saying you want to lick all of my tattoos is not a turn on.  I have 27 and they\’re essentially all over the place.  Yes I do have my naughty bits tattooed (and pierced) also my butt cheek, along with one on my big toe and I\’m sporting one in my left armpit among other places.  Do you really want to lick my armpit?  Furthermore do *I* want you to lick my armpit?  No.  No I do not.  What are you a dog?  Do I need a bath?  Do you feel that my skin is dry and I should drink more water and or up the ante on my moisturizer?  So just don\’t.  It\’s NOT attractive and makes you look like a douchebag.

YOUR pictures: The whole point about dating period is all about looking to score.  Regardless of what you want, we\’re all searching for something or someone.  Perhaps you\’ll get lucky and actually find it.  So naturally no one isn\’t going to post pictures of themselves looking anything less then their best usually.  Most guys do OK in this department.  Here\’s what\’s not OK (in my eyes at least)

  • Pictures of your ride.  What are you a fucking transformer?  No?  Didn\’t think so!  Likely you\’re over compensating for something.  I don\’t want to know what that something is.
  • Your bitchin\’ tan.  Most of you look like Jersey shore rejects, it\’s not hot.
  • Pictures with what is clearly your ex girlfriend cut out of the picture.  Take 5 mins and take a new one!  Jesus!
  • The mirror pictures showing off your so called \’bad\’ self.  For example (yes this is an actual picture from someone who messaged me)
  • \"\"

The caption: a sneak peek at my physique.  You want to know what I see:

  1. A sneak peek into your mom\’s/grandmother\’s and or wife\’s bedroom.  The glaring mauve walls and 80\’s mirror are a dead giveaway.  Along with the flowery curtains and the picture of Marilyn Monroe.  I have one of her too because I love her but mine\’s hotter.
  2. Back hair.  It looks like your pubes have escaped from your groin and planted themselves above your butt crack.
  3. Douchebag taking a picture of themselves in a mirror.  Self timer\’s, even my fucking phone\’s camera has one.  Try it sometime.

Pictures of your junk: Most guys assume that if you place yourself in the intimate encounters category, you automatically want a picture of their cock.  No, no I don\’t actually.  Why?  Because I, unlike most people have professional pictures of mine.  Thank you Hylton!  I happen to have a really awesome, rock star vag.  That aside, I am also a Chef.  I\’m a very visual person in that regard (not unlike most men) and to coin a phrase from someone: \”I eat with my eyes first\” and that\’s true!  So when you send a girl a picture of your junk and it\’s not up to par.  I\’m going to judge your sorry ass!  I won\’t post pictures of some of the eye bleach inducing    genitals I\’ve gotten lately but I will tell you this much.  Make. An. Effort.  I personally haven\’t ever been with a guy who isn\’t cut and after seeing the latest, I really don\’t want to.  Not trying to be all judgmental, however not one of you is selling me on it.  Really you\’re not, not in the least.

Save for one.  I\’m giving him a medal, only because I feel that he deserves one.  As a general rule of thumb, best not to send a picture of your junk unless she asks for it.  It\’re pretty damn presumptuous of you to assume that we want to see it.  Also your definition of well endowed can likely vary vastly from mine and on a final note if your going to take a self shot, best not to do it when looking down.  Why?  Because when I look down at my chest, it\’s not nearly as large as it actually is.  Ergo, you\’re selling yourself short (pun is totally intended).

So if you\’re going to create an online profile looking to score, might want to keep some of these points in mind.  Men judge woman based on many, many things and you know what? We do the same.

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Monday Fcukery

Ever have one of those days where you make the mistake of waking up and crawling out of your nice, warm cozy bed only to discover the the universe clearly has it out for you and decides that it\’s OK for you to be fucked up the ass without your permission and then proceeds to blow it\’s load all over your face?  Which then in turn makes you want to throw yourself in front of a really fast moving bus?

Yeah, that\’s known as Monday Fuckery.

For real.

Since  Bob Geldof asked in a song tell me why I don\’t like Monday\’s?  I\’ll tell you.  Not as crazy as the inspiration behind the song mind you, clearly Barbara Ann Spencer had some serious issues or something.

Shit happens when I don\’t get enough sleep/

No really. It does.

So technically this is Sunday night antics leads to Monday Fuckery.  But whatever.

Point being I stayed up too late on Sunday night get all uber excited about my new smart phone and spent farrrrrrrr too much time playing angry birds   (speaking of angry birds & smart phones, it\’s FREE for Android and NOT for iphone HA!) anyway moving along…

So wake up at 5:30 am after going to bed at almost midnight (yeah I know smooth move there Steph) and it was FREEZING in my room.  Glass cutter needed?  Just give me a call, I\’m there!  I guess this is what I get for sleeping naked?  Hellooooooooo it\’s AUGUST FFS!  Jammies should not be required in what is considered the \’summer months\’ seriously.  My bed, so cozy & so very awesome.  I LOVE my bed.  Perhaps a little too much?

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 Seriously.  Look at that!  Doesn\’t it just make you want to crawl in it and have the most crazy sex you have ever had  epic sleep ever!?!

Of course it does.

Memory foam everything FTW!

So yeah, dragging my naked self out of bed at the butt crack of dawn, freezing my ass off (literally) wondering where in the hell my fuzzy robe was while having to pee really bad.  I really should just leave it on the floor instead of hanging up all nice and proper like.

Because that would make sense.

Anyway get myself mostly put together and then I can\’t find my damn jeans.  You know the one\’s I had in my hand and put down briefly to go do something and then for the life of my couldn\’t find again.  I mean seriously, WTF is that?  So there I am, trolling around my apartment mostly dressed sans pants while muttering where in the fuck are my jeans to myself whilst looking for said jeans.  Thankfully I had a clean pair on my \’chair-drobe\’ because lord knows, I hate doing laundry and the 5 foot pile of it in my room is testament to that very fact.  So after wasting loads of time getting ready and missing the bus that I wanted to take, I finally got my ass en route to work.

Staggered into the dep at the metro because this guy has some killer croissants and he also has coffee.  AKA the breakfast of champions.  It was insanely windy outside and all I wanted was to suck back some of my awesome coffee delicious-ness and get through my day.  Anyway, mission accomplished.  Cafe was consumed, as was the awesome croissant AND Can-Am not only arrived on time but they also didn\’t fuck up my produce order.  The best part, my banana\’s were actually fit for immediate consumption (they\’re the easiest to prepare) unlike the previous order where all 20lbs yes TWENTY POUNDS of my banana\’s were a hideous shade of day glow green!  Something very much like number 1\"\"

when really, ideally they\’d be closer to 5 seeing as how I order  then half & half.  So in theory they should be 2-3 & 4-5.  Took almost 2 weeks for those bastards to ripen!  Anyway, I had hope.  Hope that maybe today wouldn\’t turn out to be such a craptacular day!

I was wrong. 

Walking by Angela\’s desk, she commented that Jack Layton had lost his battle to cancer.  Figures that one of the few rare gems in politics, that most people liked died of some hideous disease.  Which hardly seems fair.  I pay scant attention to politics because well that always starts up a heated debate of some sort doesn\’t it?  That\’s why I\’d rather talk about food.  Everyone likes food.  The kitchen is usually the hub of anyone\’s home and it\’s comforting.  When people get into heated debates about food it\’s usually happy one\’s.  Amiright?

So yeah that sucked, more then a little.  Can\’t wait for the next election.  o.0

So my afternoon progressed without too much hassle.  Save for the odd incident here and there, but whatever.  By now, the caffeine high is winding down and I go from being tired to bitchy and tired.  Then I had to do laundry, at work no less.  Which generally isn\’t an issue, except that the settings on the machine are totally and utterly fubar\’ed to the point that I waste FAR too much time doing laundry, more then I should.  Of course, there\’s a fuck ton of it too.  YAY!

Then one of my co-workers pops her head in there to let me know that she had to leave her bowls on the counter because the dishwasher was full.  I\’m muttering (mostly to myself) how in the hell can the dishwasher be full?  We had almost no kids, ergo not that many dishes.

You know why the dishwasher was full?

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE ARE FUCKTARDS AND DON\’T KNOW HOW TO FILL A FUCKING DISHWASHER PROPERLY!  Jesus H. Christ!

Nothing and I do mean nothing irritates me more, than having to re-arrange the damn dishwasher like it\’s my fucking living room.  Seriously!   So because of that, I now have to construct an instruction sheet (with pictures) to show exactly how one fills the dishwasher.  You know, like I would have to for say my 3 year old\’s.  Because you know, lying an empty yogurt container on it\’s SIDE on top of a bunch of other dishes is the most effective way to get it clean.

This is why I don\’t like Monday\’s, even though you didn\’t ask.

I told you anyway.  You\’re welcome.

Let\’s see you write a song about that Geldof.

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The train wreck that was The Tea Party…

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Now don\’t get me wrong, I love the tea party, been a fan of theirs for a while  since high school, back in the dark ages.  Not a die hard fan mind you but a fan none the less.  They\’re from Ontario and so am I.  I also love me some affordable concerts!  The one thing that I love about this city is that there\’s a mixed bag of venues from the huge ass Montreal hippodrome that U2 infused over 3 million cool one\’s into the now defunct site to host a huge ass concert (apparently it\’s due to be demolished soon after the show after being there for over a century) that I missed (which I\’ll get to in a moment) the bell center  which is the most common place for concerts or more intimate and affordable venues such as the Corona Theater (where I had the opportunity to see Finger 11 in January and it was AMAZING!) and Metropolis which I had never set foot into until Thursday night.

The Corona, much like Metropolis is a theater gem that you don\’t see anymore these days.  Both locations are historic and neither one of them are in the most sought after neighborhoods either.  However if  I had to choose what neighborhood I\’d rather be in any time of the day the red light district of Montreal ISN\’T It.  I love ghetto trash, I find this innate charm in those areas and maybe on a different day I would have been inspired.  Except I wasn\’t armed with my camera, capturing the real gritty ways of Montreal which is always interesting.   I was on a mission to pick up show tickets to see the tea party.  I was on the fence about going originally and should have trusted my instincts.  After checking out their set list and seeing quite a few of their songs that I loved and a mere $40.00/ticket I decided that since I couldn\’t go see U2 because that was sold out,  an event that I didn\’t realize had more tickets left, I would still get to see a band that I have had  some affection for.

I was tired and not really feeling up to it but determined to go thinking that once I got there I would have a good time.  Because that\’s usually the way.  I do however hate general admission concerts as a rule.  I\’ve been to three and I\’m pretty sure that Thursday\’s show was going to be my last.  Evidently I\’m too old, cranky and tired to go to a GA concert on a work night anymore lol.

Anyway moving along…      

Show starts at 8pm with The Reason opening.  I thought it started at 8:30 and ended up coming in just as they were finishing up their last song of the night so can\’t really comment on them.  Although I will say that from the little I did see, they seemed to really work the crowd and had a positive energy about them.  Then that\’s when the wait started.  The downfall to smaller stages is that you\’re not able to set up several groups at one time.  I get that.  However waiting almost a fucking hour  for TTP to arrive on stage after the reason\’s tear down and sound check was beyond ridiculous!  I should have carted my ass upstairs and grabbed a balcony seat, however for some reason I didn\’t.  The crowd was getting restless (with good reason) and my patience was running out and I was starting to get pissy.  I was already tired, it was almost 9:30 pm (you know an hour and a half after the show started) and my feet were killing me.  It\’s bad enough that I\’m on my feet all day at work, but at least there I\’m productive.  Yes I know I could have sat down, however I feared I would fall asleep from sheer boredom.  If anyone thinks this is impossible, trust me it\’s not.  I\’ve passed out in some pretty \’creative\’ places before.

I contemplated leaving before they even came on but that would have been a huge waste of money and time for nothing.  Turns out it was anyway but I digress.  So there they were, the tea party, on stage FINALLY.  The dissapointment was evident right from the start.  Mostly due to the sound guy!  The sound in there was shit.  I know it varies from place to place and where you\’re located and blah blah blah, however you would think that the technician would have a fucking clue!  It was ridiculously loud which is appropriate for a concert except that you could barely hear them over their instruments.  So between this static-y, white noise effect coming from God knows where and the douche bag who was whistling at a decibel that was  so shrill, I had to put my fingers in my ears (like one of my kids at work) to stop myself from punching him in the face my ear drums from taking a bigger beating then necessary, it was hardly enjoyable.  To top it all off, the guy in front of me was practically having an orgasm and was flinging his hair to and fro and sprayed his sweat on my face more then once and he was NO WHERE NEAR naked enough or hot enough to be doing so!

From a musical standpoint, they played well.  Although Jeff Martin, the ego-eccentric lead singer lacked passion and looked like he would rather be anywhere but there.  Not unlike myself!  I wasn\’t the only one who thought so either.  On the bands facebook page someone else had the balls to say exactly what I was feeling.  Interestingly enough, when I looked today, wouldn\’t you know it, any negative, less favorable comments about the concert Thursday night had been deleted.  Can\’t handle the truth boys?  The reviews that I had seen were a mixed bag ranging from sheer elation to absolute dissapointment.  Of course, anything that was less then someone gushing about how awesome they weren\’t were was removed.  I didn\’t have a bad time per say, although I have to say on a scale of one to ten I would have to give them a 3.  In fact, I didn\’t even stay to the end.  I was so UN-inspired, that I left early even knowing that two more of my favorite songs were about to be played.

As I said to a friend of mine, it\’s like going on a date with someone that\’s almost perfect in every way only to find out that he\’s really, really bad in bed.

If the opportunity ever came for me to see them again, I wouldn\’t bother.  That was 4 hours of my life and $40.00 I\’ll never get back again.  I don\’t totally regret it, I just wish that I had trusted my instincts and not went.  Because if I hadn\’t, then I would be at the U2 concert this afternoon.  However, I couldn\’t cough up the funds sadly since I have bills to pay.  Even though I have a feeling that $70.00 would have been MORE then worth it to see them play.  Unlike the tea party.  Although the live experience has tainted them for me on one level, I\’m not going to shun their studio recordings.  I\’m still a bit flabbergasted that there was so many people who were all OMFG this was better then meeting God in person!  Although, they do say that love is deaf, dumb and blind… Clearly these people are just that.

 Edit:

To the ass bag that commented that *I* didn\’t know how to use facebook: FUCK YOU.  The comments that weren\’t favorable WERE removed.  So get a fucking clue before you start shooting your mouth off about things that you clearly know nothing about.  Anyone who knows the tea party knows that Jeff Martin is horrendously egotistical.  Clearly your loyalty has made it UN-able for you to read.   

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Dear wolf crying, drama Queens.

The one thing I truly dislike about social media is the blatant abuse of it.  I get constant invites to bullshit \”causes\” such as tell Zynga to do what-the-fuck-ever with my farm/mafia/game show/ kid brother/ my pet monster, whatever.

THAT AIN\’T A FUCKING CAUSE YO!

Causes was created so that people who have legitimate charities/NFP organizations and  such to raise money and awareness about things that are important, you know like cancer?!? Your farm? Not so much.

I don\’t say that to be insensitive or mean, I play the odd game here and there on FB to procrastinate from doing things that I should be doing pass the time.  There\’s nothing wrong with that, although abusing such things like that are.  So. Very. Wrong.  So yeah, I report those. 

Yeah I totally am one of those people.

Anyway, another thing I dislike about social media in general is the need for it to be a popularity contest for some, an audience for others.  Whatever the reason, some people abuse it to a whole other level.  Such as a need to churn up constant drama!  Especially when I see things like this:

OMFG! NO ONE LOVES ME, I WANT TO DIE </3

I\’M GOING TO GO KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW!

(enter dramatic sigh/sob here)

You know what I say to that?

PLEASE DO!  Because then I don\’t have to:

  • A. block you from my news-feed anymore and/or kick you off my friends list for being a drama queen douche.
  • B. Wonder if this time you\’re actually being fucking serious or not.
  • C. Waste my precious time and training trying to help you help yourself when really you just have a low self esteem and need some fucking redemption of yourself!

Suicide is serious, so stop fucking around about it and making it into some personal fucking game for your attention seeking ways!

It\’s not to say that I don\’t care.  Because clearly I DO otherwise I wouldn\’t bother with this, nor this.  Suicide is no stranger to my life and out of all the people I lost, not one of them went ahead and broadcasted it all over the fucking internet.  The signs were there (they always are) however they\’re so subtle that you might not notice them if you\’re not paying attention.  The key to communication is to not only listen, but to hear what\’s NOT being said.  So when you scream suicide online like some fucking drama Queen idiot, the only thing you\’re saying to me is this: I need help, I need someone to love me.  NOT :I want to die.

So you think about this the next time you want to say shit like that, think about the people\’s heads you\’re fucking with, simply because you need attention.

Think long and fucking hard.

-Steph