Category Archives: All the feels

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The surreal life.

In May 2014 I took a massive leap of faith and applied for school at Concordia University. My end goal being a diploma in professional photography and a second one in Digital Photographic Imaging. I was tired of the culinary industry and had developed such a hatred for it, I wanted to move on. I was slated to begin towards the end of June.

On June 11th 2014 (about 2 weeks after making such a huge decision) I got word that my father was dying. On June 12th 2014 I had an amazing birthday and on June 13th 2014 I lost my job.

Funny how things can change so damn fast.  

You hear about stories like this all the time, they might fascinate you, appall you, inspire you or perhaps scare you. Which is all fine and well…

Until it actually happens to you.  

My first thought was to immediately drop out of school (before I had even started) and run home. Home being Ontario. I didn\’t, I internally rationalized it by telling myself that my dad\’s death sentence was quite new and he might have years to live. So why waste it, just in case. Either way, I was loosing my dad, it was really just a question of when. I figured that I would get myself a new job right away and just keep going to school part time and that would be that.

Except life never works out quite like you planned.

I never did get another job. No one wants to hire someone who\’s been in my position and I can\’t say I blame them. We (future husband and I) were broke, but we figured it out. I ended up going to school full time and completed my final course for digital photographic imaging (Photoshop) in October 2015. While I had technically graduated university, it hadn\’t sunk in yet because I didn\’t have my grades yet. So it was a fair assumption that I would pass, at the very least. I checked my final grades today and I almost fell out of my chair when I seen my final grade. It was/is the highest grade I have ever gotten in my entire life. Which was a surprise to me because that last class was a struggle. Once I got over the shock, I sat there and cried, so hard.

It was finally over and I had made it. Not unscathed by any means…

I\’m pretty humble overall as a person. It\’s one of my better qualities and no one likes that jerk who brags (sorry). This diploma represents so much more than my education overall. It\’s a accumulation of:

  • Debt. So much debt. Which we have most paid off (YAY).
  • Grief. I lost my dad on February 28th 2015 and it hit me hard.
  • Battling through class when you\’re waiting for \’that call\’.
  • It\’s getting that call and hiding in an empty classroom bawling because you know that you\’re going to loose your dad sooner rather than later and you\’re helpless against it.
  • It\’s having your mom text you and knowing that the following phone call most likely won\’t be happy news.
  • It\’s focusing every ounce of who you are and pouring your heart into final projects that can take up to 60+ hours.
  • It\’s referencing your notes and realizing you missed something important.
  • Watching countless videos on YouTube because you can\’t figure out how to do that thing.
  • It\’s missing meals and quiet time with the man you love because you\’re staring at a computer screen.
  • It\’s trying to quiet the voice in your head because depression is an asshole that lies.
  • It\’s trying to quell your anxiety because your deadlines are looming and why can\’t you find inspiration already.
  • It\’s late nights and early mornings.
  • It\’s missing weddings and other occasions because you have to hand in your final(s).
  • Tension headaches and sore backs. Awful eating habits and so much more.

That\’s not all though.

  • It\’s the professors who rally around you and let you leave class so that you can text/call your family.
  • Those same professors also give you deadline extensions and/or present for you so that you can go home and bury your father.
  • It\’s your boyfriend turned fiancee who never stops encouraging you, even when he resents that you spend more time with your computer than with him.
  • It\’s the friends and the family who rally around you during your darkest time and encourage you to not give up and remind you why you started on this journey in the first place.
  • It\’s all the really cool things you learned to do with images that you never even dreamed of.
  • It\’s all the amazing and talented people you meet who become your friends.
  • It\’s discovering a talent that you didn\’t know you even had.
  • It\’s being inspired by the guy who delivers your parcels in the afternoon.

It\’s all that and more. I can\’t wait to get my diploma so I can hang it in my home with so much pride. It\’s been one hell of a journey and it still doesn\’t feel real, but at the same time, it feels pretty amazing just the same.

So if you ever think that you can\’t…

Trust me. You can.

 

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Ciao 36

And so a new chapter begins…

I turned 37 yesterday.  I got up and the first thing I did was sit there and just think long and hard about what a long, strange and exhausting journey it\’s all really been.  Looking back on everything up until this point, I would have to say that so far 36 was the hardest and challenging years I have ever had.

  • I lost my job of 4.5 years due to petty betrayal.
  • I lost my father to cancer/COPD.
  • My childhood home, the only home I have ever known has been sold.  I spent my last night there on June 9th 2015.
  • People I thought were friends have come and gone and other people I just needed to let go because of their toxic behavior.
  • I got thrown under the bus more times than I care to count because people don\’t have the guts, nor the integrity to admit that they did wrong and I somehow ended up paying for their mistakes and their lies in more ways than one.
  • I\’ve seen far too many people I love suffer a similar heartbreak as mine when it comes to loosing the ones you love, especially a parent.  Which is a special kind of hell like no other.
  • My OCD and Anxiety is by and large the most crippling it has ever been and that\’s legit scary.

And yet 

  • I went back to school to finally pursue my dream of being anything but a Chef.  So I consider myself officially retired from the industry.
  • I have learned to accept that it\’s OK to be anything but.
  • I was reminded once again that you don\’t know how strong you are until it\’s the only option that you have left.
  • I have embarked on my photography journey and discovered a love of digital art along the way.
  • I have learned to put myself first.  It\’s not selfish, it\’s a basic human need.  I refuse to apologize for that.
  • I have learned who I can truly count on when I need someone the most.  I\’ve always kept my circle small and I am thankful that I have made good choices when it comes to the people I love and I have had to walk away from a few people for no reason than they take up precious space in my head and I can\’t and won\’t make space for that.
  • I take so much more joy in simple pleasures and take time to smell the flowers, laugh more, be silly, be crazy, being ME.

There is so much more I can add to this list, but I won\’t.  It\’s all going to be OK.  Not today, but someday.  Like Rachel Platten said: I might only have one match, but I can start an explosion.

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Priorities vs options and good intentions.

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There\’s that saying: \”Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.\” -Maya Angelou

Now don\’t get me wrong.  Sometimes I am a sucky friend.  I\’m the worst at keeping in touch with people at the best of times and it\’s not because I don\’t love my friends, I have legit memory issues and well adulting is hard yo!

I have learned one thing through the years though, even more so after moving to Montreal: who my circle is.  I have a lot of friends and I am fortunate to be surrounded by them and I am secure in the knowledge that they love me, even when I am not always around, or when I am not very lovable.

I have one very important thing in common with these people though: Loyalty.

I know who will be there for me in a heartbeat and I know who won\’t.  Some people I can count on when it really matters and some not so much…  So it irritates me when some people complain that I come home and I don\’t go out of my way/make the time to see them.  It\’s not usually a secret when I come home (except for that one time) and I\’m really not that hard to find when I am in Ontario.  Up until recently, I would always be staying at the same house.

Mind you, it depends on why I returned in the first place.  I had truly wanted to meet up and see a ton of people but I was just done.  So done with this whole adulting thing and having just finished up final exams for this term, my mom sold the house, my dad died and the list goes on and on.

I was SO very, tired this time around.

So sadly I missed out on a lot of stuff, but it was in part by sheer exhaustion, not so much by choice.  I made my mom and option this time around.  I didn\’t come home to Ontario for a vacation per se. I came home to give back because I haven\’t been able to help out as much in a physical sense, I was however pulling my weight behind the scenes which is just as exhausting. Except some people don\’t \’see that\’ and it doesn\’t count in their mind.

But fuck them.  Seriously. 

Anyway, it was nice to be able to come home and not only help out my mom but indulge her a little.  It doesn\’t take much to make her happy and if taking her out for a few meals and doing some laundry makes her day a little brighter, than so be it. She\’s the best mom ever and she totally deserves it.  She bends over backwards to make people happy, even when they don\’t deserve it.

I did make it a point to stay later this time with the hopes of seeing/doing more but i\’m old yo and when I don\’t get enough sleep and my allergies are being douchy I get uber lethargic and it just takes too much effort overall, even more for those who would never respond in kind (aside from my mom putting my ass to work on the daily).  You get what you put in after all. However, to the people who claim to miss me and complain and carry on that *I* don\’t make time for them…

Would you make time for me?  Montreal isn\’t that far, I\’ve lived there for 11 years now and only five of my friends have made the trip to see me.  I don\’t care about your excuses.  I know some circumstances can\’t be helped, I totally get that…  However I am unemployed, a student and yet I made the trek for the second time this year.  There are SO many ways to come see me on the cheap, you just need to be willing to do them.

So your excuse(s) is invalid. 

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One last trip…

I had this crazy urge to blog, i\’m on a bus that just left Kingston en route to Toronto so this stirkes me as rather absurd.
As most things in my life seem to these days.

My dad dad passed away at 1:24pm on Feb 28th 2015 and that was the catalyst of a massive shitstorm that left myself and several people I care about emotionally devestated and simotaniously crippled at the same time.

This isn\’t about that though.
This is about the house.
My dad\’s hosue specifically, my childhood home.
I don\’t begrudge my mom for selling the place, in fact if I was in her shoes I would do the same.
Yet, I feel lost in a way.

Yes, it\’s just a house, but it was the house that everyone knew.

More importantly, it was the only house that *I* knew.
I came home from the hospital to this house and my tiny room upstairs was always mine, even when I shared it with my sister for many years.

No matter how crazy my life would get, there was always the big white house on King street that everyone knew and it was the place that I would always come to when I would make the long trek from
Montreal to Ontario.  No matter where I was, no matter what I was doing or what shape I was in, there was always a place for me there..

So many memories contained within those walls…