So I was thinking that

maybe I should buy a helmet for all those occasions that I want to bang my head against the wall.  I find myself fighting that urge more and more and I ask myself do these people not realize how foolish some of the things they say really are?  Reminds me of a line from a suicidal tendencies song:\” silently screaming as I bang my head against the wall.\”  Everyone has those moments where the most ridiculous thing flies out of your mouth without even thinking about it, yet when you converse with someone daily and it seems to be a regular occurrence you almost want to smack them.   Almost makes me wonder what in the hell I was thinking when I met them 2.5 years ago…  Let alone what I seen in them in the first place…  Actually I already know the answer to that question & its almost shamefully shallow…  At the time though, it was totally worth it!  Now not so much I\’m thinking these days.  Not enough to totally cut them out of my life per say, more so enough to start keeping my distance.

Need a career change, been contemplating that for years now of course.  Hell I even went to school for something else and like most things took something away from it, lost interest and moved on.  Yet cooking is something that\’s stuck with me year after year and in light of my current job and the half ton of BS that it brings almost every single day I\’m about ready to snap…  I have no issues taking responsibility for my own actions, I always have and at my age most likely will continue to do so.  However to blatantly tell me that I haven\’t done this that or the other thing when you fucking well seen ME DOING IT 2 DAYS PRIOR really, really, really pisses me off!  Among a million other things, like ASSUMING I\’m being defiant because your simply not intelligent enough to realize any other conclusion, or even better God forbid admit that YOU are in fact the one who\’s wrong…  I\’m 31 not 15, defiance is something that left my life a LONG time ago…  This is real life, not high school!

Here\’s how I see it: First off you tell me not to do this that and the other thing yet expect me to assume responsibility anyway?  That\’s a huge WTF on my list of things I can\’t currently stand.  Also don\’t sit there and tell me that you want me to use \”your\” recipes when in fact you don\’t A: Have any of your own, you rely on Betty Crocker\’s cook book that was published before I was even born.   B: When you actually DO provide them they\’re incomplete and missing crucial steps leaving me no option but to improvise. C. Have NO background in culinary what so ever!

Who\’s the one who went to culinary school, not cooking school but actual culinary school oh yeah that would be ME not YOU.  Who\’s the one who has the background in international foods, nutritional sciences and what not once again that would be ME and not YOU so you can go fuck yourself!  I could sit here and write pages upon pages of things that quite simply piss me off about that current situation but I won\’t.  What I am going to do however is start documenting every single damn thing I do while there so the next time I hear you didn\’t do this, that or the other thing I can call your ass on it!  I think when it comes to the point that I would rather get a Brazilian wax EVERY day for the rest of my life & attempt to scrape off my tattoos with heavy grit sandpaper then go to work its time for me to move on…

*end rant*

In other news, I painted my bathroom again.  So I can officially say that I have in fact painted every single room in my apartment twice with the exception of my bedroom.  That thankfully only got painted once, there\’s too much big stuff in here to be moved around to do that again.   When I moved in it was this tacky shade of baby blue which reminded me too much of the generic shade of blue that is associated all too often with baby boys.  Not only that, it had finding Nemo wall paper cut-outs liquid cemented to the wall!  I mean seriously who does that?  I had to use an old Chef knife to scrape them off the wall and had to plaster over that before I painted.  So anyway my bathroom used to be pale yellow and for the most part I liked it.  Then I started noticing little things that were inadvertently driving me nuts and thought I had some paint left over which I did but it was the wrong hue!  That\’s the downfall to making your own custom colors which I do often yet when you run out of paint your essentially screwed.

So I trekked off to home depot because I decided it was high time for a change anyway.  Had to buy special primer because it was oil based paint that I used and since the question has in fact been asked a million times yes you CAN cover over oil based paint with latex under the following circumstances: Either you need to buy a primer that is specifically engineered for both types of paint.  They do exist but they\’re not all created equal so read the damn can!  I personally bought zinsser bulls eye 1-2-3 latex primer which had awesome coverage and could be tinted but I didn\’t bother since I wanted to paint the ceiling as well which I left white.  Or you need to sand down your walls first with low grit sandpaper to take off the sheen left by oil based paint because its a harder substance and has no flexibility unlike acrylic latex does (in any case I did both, its a small room and I wanted no margin of error).  And anyone who says you can\’t put oil over latex is a moron, I\’ve done it a hundred times with no problem.

I\’m pretty picky about color and I find for the most part that paint is grossly over-priced and since I don\’t own this place I really have no interest in spending a ton of money on paint and related supplies.  Behr does have exceptional paint but at almost $40.00 a gallon its more then I\’m willing to spend on a rental.  However if you buy lower quality paint, your color options are generally limited and that\’s when I go seek out the oops paint section and see what I can manipulate to my needs which generally works out pretty well in my favor (with the exception of one time).  Until I discovered recycled paint!  This stuff is AWESOME!  Its made by boomerang and its exceptionally affordable too ($12.00/gallon)  not to mention better for the environment as well.  It does have its limitations since it doesn\’t come in pure white (but close) so you can\’t tint it to suit your needs you pretty much pick a color and go with it.  I had my doubts when I bought a gallon to paint my living room but I figured that the cost was so minimal that it was worth trying out.  Thankfully I wasn\’t dissapointed since 2 gallons (1 was white from another company) and this paint which was much too dark out of the can itself and I made it lighter myself I was able to paint my living room, and the hallway and still have plenty left over for touch ups and such I was quite pleased.  So I decided since my living room is various shades of \”shore\” (which out of the can dries to the color of almost milk chocolate) I wanted to stay somewhat neutral and decided to go with \”moss\” knowing that it would dry darker since the color magnifies itself once on the walls.  I liked foliage too but I had a sneaking suspicion that it would be far too dark and since it is my bathroom I didn\’t want it to appear the size of a closet.   So now its a lovely shade of sage-esque green and I quite like it.  Except now I have to go out and buy new decorative touches for my bathroom since my shower curtain is very similar in color it appears to match a little too much for my own personal tastes.   Needs a third coat though since the color underneath it was a little on the bright side and I want to ensure total coverage.  Its not a huge space though so it takes almost no time at all to paint.  So yes Ania, I will finally post pictures!  Seeing as how I *think* I finally have this place looking the way that I would like it to look 🙂

Dear Jason

Have  I mentioned lately that you suck?  Because you do!  Its been a month and that horrible pain that I felt is still very much in existence, I just for the most part keep it to myself.   Its been a month since I came home and read the news and sat here screaming and crying for hours on end.  I\’m pretty sure the people upstairs thought that I was being beaten to death or some other horrible instance such as it was, but no that was my heart being torn into a million tiny shards…

I gave up trying to figure out why, granted I\’m still in shock.  I know your dead and gone its just as if a part of my mind refuses to accept it for what it is.  Screw the 7 stages of grief your death has rocked me to the very core of a soul that I didn\’t even know that I had.  I broke the news to James, and finally got around to calling him earlier in the week.  I put it off because I knew that would just bring back the hurt all over again and sure enough hard as I tried not to cry I did.  Much like I am now, maybe someday it will stop but I doubt it.  I think he\’s pretty much the only one who knew you the same way that I did and could truly appreciate just how awesome you are.  He\’s also in universal agreement with me about how utterly gross what she did was.  He was pretty great in spite of the fact that it was after midnight when I called him, little did I know he\’s 6 hours ahead of me.  Videotron must LOVE me seeing as how I\’ve been racking up my phone bill with these awesome overseas phone calls.

Put the site on hold, can\’t bring myself to do any real work on it.  Reminds me too much of you and it hurts too damn much!  I have a pretty high tolerance for physical pain but this, yeah I can\’t handle this very much…  My friends have been wonderful, dragging me all over the place and providing a nice distraction but at the end of the day your still gone and there\’s not a damn thing I can do to change that.  Like I said to James, we tend to take for granted that our friends are going to be around a lot longer.  The guilt for the most part has abated but I\’m not 100% certain it will ever go away.  Mostly because you told me that in spite of the fact that you find so little to live for, that I was great and hearing from me always made your day.

Except that I got all hardcore caught up in my life and never did send you that e-mail to tell you that I was in fact OK and that abnormality that they found turned out to be nothing major that I can\’t personally handle.  I also remember the time you asked me what it was like to be 30 and me telling you that the first 6 months were the best 6 months ever except you\’ll never get to experience that.  You know though one piece of advice you gave me has stuck with me and it was what you had said that finally made up my mind in the end.  You couldn\’t have been more right on that note.  I wish you were still around so we could talk about that stuff, you were the only one I had that I could speak that freely with…

They say time heals everything but I don\’t think that time will ever heal this or erase this.  I know eventually I\’ll learn to cope as you know that I will but I\’ll tell you that time can\’t come fast enough!  Not a day goes by that I don\’t think of you and I miss you so much its unreal!  I scroll through my bookmarks and your blog is still there, even though you got rid of the domain I can\’t bring myself to erase that link.  Same thing with your phone number that\’s stashed in my cell phone.  I miss actually physically talking to you, hearing you laugh…

I\’m able to sleep now for the most part, the first few weeks after you died, especially the first few days sleep was a luxury that  I simply couldn\’t obtain.  Oddly enough I had a dream about you the other night, I was staring at your memorial page when someone\’s voice crept up behind me and scared the crap outta me!  I\’m going to call Gil soon to make that tattoo appointment for your memorial tattoo.  Jeff is also going to be tattooing me in the new year which will be  a secondary memorial tattoo for you; since the first one I thought about before hand because it coincides with the memorial tattoos I have on my chest already.  Tattoos/pain really do solve everything…  Or at least that\’s what us tattooed people try to convince ourselves that it does.  So the first one will be on my chest and Jeff will be tattooing a piece on my ribs.  Apparently that\’s the most painful place to get tattooed but I need it to hurt because then maybe I can channel the pain of loosing you into the pain of the tattoo that I\’m about to get and maybe then I\’ll start to heal.

I\’m really starting to hate my job…  I need a career change and I need one BADLY!  I really truly hope that your faith in modology rings true because as much as I love being a Chef its time for a change!  I just wish you were here to see it unfold and prevail and maybe become the next best thing.  So if that\’s the case then once I start up your memorial fund your profit margin as previously agreed upon will be donated to that cause.  I refuse to let your legacy die!

I miss you so much it hurts…  I wish you were here because I need you, not for work related purposes but to just be there like the awesome friend you always were.  James agreed to come on board, thank God!  He also understands all too well that I just can\’t work on it right now.  He\’s coping as am I but were both still reeling from the loss…  Like I\’ve said countless times, I really hope there IS life after death because I\’ll kill you all over again!  Like James said, heaven help you when I arrive 😉

I just hope in the end when you left that you knew that there was at least one person in this world who adored you and loved you so very much! <3

Grief is like the ocean, it\’s deep and dark and bigger than all of us.  Pain is like a thief in the night: quiet, persistent, unfair; diminished by time, faith, and love.