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Happy Mother\’s day Mom!

I love my mom, my mom=win more so then anyone Else\’s.  I can say that because we all know that its true for the following reasons:

  1. My mom & I get tattooed, sometimes together sometimes not.
  2. My mom has piercings, cool ones at that.
  3. My mom & I go to bars, which rocks the awesome.
  4. My mom and I can swap all kinds of secrets and that\’s exceptionally cool.
  5. My mom & I would totally go to a strip club together.  I am so taking her to 281 when she comes next time.  Early so we get better seats on a Thursday or something.  Saturday was crazy but I\’ll save that for another day.
  6. My mom and I have gotten wasted together on a few occasions 😉
  7. My mom bailed me out of jail once.  I\’ll save that story for another day.
  8. My mom is my best friend <3

Those are just a few reasons why my mom rocks the awesome on so many levels.  If I wrote them all, this entry would be a mile and a half long.

I love my mom, no matter how bad I fucked up and on occasion still do so, she still loves me.  My mom has taught me a million things but the most important things being: Patience. UN-conditional love.  My life simply wouldn\’t be the same without her and that\’s what really matters at the end of the day.

Thanks for bringing me into this world mom.  For all the hugs, the skinned knees that were magically made better, for making so many sacrifices just so that I didn\’t go without anything, for dishing out the tough love and teaching me the meaning of: You made your bed,now your going to lie in it and for just being really, really freaking awesome.

I love you and I appreciate you more then you will ever know.

Love, Steph

Before I was myself you made me, me
With love and patience, discipline and tears,
Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free,

Allowing me to sail upon my sea,
Though well within the headlands of your fears.
Before I was myself you made me, me

With dreams enough of what I was to be
And hopes that would be sculpted by the years,
Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free,

Relinquishing your powers gradually
To let me shape myself among my peers.
Before I was myself you made me, me,

And being good and wise, you gracefully
As dancers when the last sweet cadence nears
Bit by bit stepped back to set me free.

For love inspires learning naturally:
The mind assents to what the heart reveres.
And so it was through love you made me, me
By slowly stepping back to set me free.


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A quick heads up…

I\’m re-formatting, which may I add is a pain in the ass.
So my layout is about to go through some odd changes, since this new \”theme\” of mine is 100% customizable I am going to go for the gold, I mean why not right?

Ad\’s yeah I know, they suck on all kinds of levels.  I am however broke on my ass and seeing as how this is my private blog, for the time being this will have to suffice as possible extra income.  I am however not holding my breath at the prospect of any real revenue.

But hey you just never know right?  Its worth a shot just the same…  I am also finally working on Jason\’s memorial website, seems that my html skills have escaped me for the time being.  Very frustrating!

In the meantime, I am focusing on making THIS blog look purty!  Not that I have some mega issue with the current theme other then its pretty plain and as we all know, I am not a plain kind of girl.

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Depression, a boy & his puppy, oh and art.

\”Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn\’t permanent.\” – Jean Kerr

Couldn\’t have said it better myself.  Which is precisely the feeling I\’ve had pretty much all of last week.  As in, I hope this goes away, you know like yesterday?  So its been

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Since Jason died, but hey, who\’s keeping track?  Most days I\’m pretty much OK.  Wed April 21st? Not such an OK day, nor were the days leading up to it either.  As a matter of fact, those (the days leading to) were the worst.  A few years ago Jason asked me what it was like to be 30.  I simply & honestly replied \”Dude the first 6 months of being 30 were the best 6 months of my life\” and they were.  On. So. Many. Levels.  He replied with something to the effect of:\”I hope mine is just as good, gives me something to aim for/look forward to.  Except Jason didn\’t make it to be thirty years old.  Wed April 21st 2010 was Jason\’s 30th birthday.  That was a hard day.  A dark day if you will.  That whole week?  Hello depression!
I shut pretty much everyone out, I really didn\’t bother to correspond with anyone if I could help it and it sucked balls.  I\’m not going to lie.  You see, I had a conversation with someone not so long ago that sounded a little something like this:
Them:\”I don\’t ever say I\’m depressed, just \”sad\”.
Me: \”See, that pisses me off.\”
Them:\”Why?\”
Me: \”Because I am SO sick of the stigma around depression!  Sometimes you get depressed briefly, usually after a period of grief, its very common.  Also depression is a disease that affects so many people and those people sometimes don\’t get help because of statements like that!  Either they\’re afraid of the \”social stigma\” or too embarrassed or something along those lines. \”
Them: \”Well since you put it that way, you have a point\”
I at least like to think that I do…
Jason was a diagnosed manic depressive.  It made him suicidal.  Hence my burning desire to start Jason\’s memorial foundation.  These people who are suffering either briefly, or for the long term need to know that we are NOT afraid of how they feel!  Its human instinct to try and \”make someone feel better\” however I now know that its impossible.  Support them? Yes!  Make them feel as if they\’re less alone? Absolutely!  However \”feeling better\” in its truest form takes time, love, support and a whole lot of patience.  I hit an all time low last week that scared the shit out of me.  Not suicidal low, just OMG I haven\’t ever felt this \”dark\” inside in my entire life and it freaked me out.  I sought immediate help.  After doing a quick Google search I found  GROWW: Grief recovery online while this site is a bit of a pain in the ass to navigate, it was well worth the effort.
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Random stuff

that really makes you think.  I have lots to post about, however its been a really rough week so I\’ll save it for another day.

However I shall leave you with this. I\’m not one for ad campaigns but there\’s something about this one that\’s so beautifully done its well worth the watch!

Also this was posted on twitter via the lovely Tracey, Ms. Grumble Girl herself  and *I* happen to think that its amazing!

2009 was a rough year (for me, it was by & large the worst year of my entire life!)  View the images, read the stories and if that somehow doesn\’t move you in some way, then I think your truly dead inside.