Category Archives: Jason

by

Oh God…

How ironic its Sunday… Heh

So Saturday didn\’t suck as much as I thought it would.  In fact it was actually pretty chill, low key and dare I sat fun?  OMFG I actually said work was a hellish nightmare, fun for a change!  Mostly because it wasn\’t a non-stop ass-rape-a-thon of drama.  Aside from working with F who drives me up the wall.  We have an understanding now, so maybe that\’s a good thing.  There was some stressful moments but no one freaked out and/or pitched a fit.  We had a good crew on last night for the most part.  I have to say that my fellow co-workers/managers/owners are quite the electric bunch.  Maybe I\’m just more calm because I have a plan in place and I don\’t feel like I\’m at total odds?  Really who knows?  I sure as hell don\’t.  What I do know is that I need to make some changes in my life and exercise a little patience because I will get there, eventually.  Today is day 7 of work without a day off, its also Superbowl Sunday ACK!  Darren called me, to see what was up with the other place (nothing so far) and to give me my schedule.  So needless to say as much as I bitch about my job I am pretty damn grateful that I still have one.  They could have said Fuck you Steph, you handed in your notice, your out but they didn\’t <3 Thank you!

Speaking of \”the other place\”…  I chase NO ONE ever!  Had the interview last Thursday, got hired.  Was told that I would be contacted \”sometime next week\” to figure out when I would start training and all that good stuff…  So work called me on Monday wanting to know what the deal was (fair enough) so I called him just to see.  No harm in that right?  Well apparently so, I got blown off ; said he would call me in the middle of the week.  Well it\’s now SUNDAY the middle of the week has come & gone still no word.  So I give up.  I have my pride, I won\’t lower my standards for ANY man for ANY reason.  Don\’t care how good the job is or how cute you are, I DO have standards…  Seriously boys, save the games for your Nintendo, PSP, X-Box whatever your poison.  If your going to play games with me, it better be naked & in my bed or some other random location… 😉

So waiting to start school, and working through reams of paperwork and contacts to get Jason\’s memorial foundation off the ground…  So at least I feel semi-productive.  So. much. work.  Totally worth it though, by & large!  As cheesy and cliche as it sounds I couldn\’t save my friend, but maybe I can help save someone else?  Who knows, if I do; then it will be more then worth it for sure!  Its times like these that I wish I still lived at home or had a roommate or  had a sugar daddy 10 more hours in a day to get this stuff done.  Not quite sure where to start so I\’m going to sit down and figure out a hopefully plausible plan to make this happen.  It has to, there\’s no other way.   Need to make some contacts, check out some avenues and quite simply send in the paperwork and play the waiting game.  Seems like I\’ve been doing that a lot lately!

by

Things fall into my lap

like this and make me think…

Bring Me The Horizon
Suicide Season

We stare at broken clocks, the hands don\’t turn anymore
The days turn into nights, empty hearts and empty places
The day you lost him, I slowly lost you too
For when he died, he took a part of you

No time for farewells, no chances for goodbyes
No explanations, no fucking reasons why
I watched it eat you up, pieces fallen on the floor
We stare at broken clocks, the hands don\’t turn anymore

If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way
I would climb my way to Heaven, and bring him back home again
Don\’t give up hope my friend, this is not the end

We stare at broken clocks, the hands don\’t turn anymore
The days turn into nights, empty hearts and empty places
The day you lost him, I slowly lost you too
For when he died, he took a part of you

Death is only a chapter
So let\’s rip out the pages of yesterday
Death is only a horizon
And I\’m ready for my sun…
I\’m ready for my sun to…
I\’m ready for my sun…
I\’m ready for my sun to set

This is suicide season!

If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way
We would climb our way to Heaven, and bring him home again
If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way
We would climb our way to Heaven, and bring him home again

If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way
We would climb our way to Heaven, and bring him home again
We would do anything to bring him back to you
We would do anything to end what you\’re going through

If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way
I would climb my way to Heaven, and bring him home again
I would do anything to bring him back to you
Because if you got him back, I would get back the friend that I once knew

That either someone is trying to tell me something, or the part in italics would be a killer tattoo!!!  Either way closure is a beautiful thing just like the tattoo I just got.  Speaking of tattoos, my chest still hurts but it looks amazing.  I just hope that the people responsible for my inspiration realize just how truly grateful I am for them. 😉 Because I am <3

by

My own personal reminder

They say that imitation is the most sincerest form of flattery, which is a phrase that tends to come to mind when I get a memorial tattoo.  For me tattoos are like therapy, its something beautiful to look at in spite of the pain you may experience and something that you can cherish all the days when your loved one is gone.  In some cases it can also bring some much needed closure when you can\’t find it anywhere else.

On September 3rd 2009 I got some of the most tragic news I had ever experienced in my entire life.  Jason Cartwright who was my dear friend, confidant and business partner had passed away in the wee hours of the morning.  The shock and the pain of getting that news was the metaphorical equivalent to that of being hit by a mac truck.  I screamed, I yelled and I cried what felt like a river of tears.  I haven\’t been the same since that day, nor do I ever expect to be again.  Oddly enough it was a love of modifications that brought Jason and I together.  Jason mentioned on a few occasions that he wanted to get another tattoo and commented that he would love if I designed one for him.  I\’m pretty sure that what I have, wasn\’t what he himself had in mind.  I can certainly say that its not what I had in mind in the first place, as I would very much prefer to have designed a tattoo for him to wear as opposed to myself.

I still have a ton of questions that I know will never have any answers.  I never did blame myself for what he did, I did however become so consumed with quilt over his death that I was afraid it was going to swallow me whole.  Had he died as the result of some horrible disease, or an accident of some kind then maybe I could have at least come to terms with what happened.  Jason\’s suicide wasn\’t a total surprise but I felt as if I could have done more.  I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn\’t pay nearly enough attention to what was going on around me.  I had this nagging voice in my head to e-mail him, to reach out and let him know that I was OK and more importantly to remind him that even though things weren\’t that great that they would be OK sooner or later.  I kept saying to myself, tomorrow I\’ll e-mail him just to let him know that I was there.  Reminds me of the Charles Hanson Towne poem: Around the corner Plenty of tomorrows came and went and I never did send that e-mail like I had intended.  Would it have made a difference? Maybe, perhaps just for a little while longer.  I\’ll never truly know.  The what ifs, the maybes, the could have, should have but didn\’t ran through my mind for months.  I knew I wanted to get a tattoo to represent him and how much he meant to me but it was really a matter of what.

See to me, memorial tattoos should signify the person.  A permanent representation of what they meant to you.  Problem with that was I knew Jason on a very personal, almost intimate level but in some ways I never really \”knew him\”, what he liked and things of that nature aside from programming.  So needless to say I was totally stuck on that one.  I had already decided on the script previously, which oddly enough I seen on the back of someone\’s shirt in the metro one day.   That however was back in the summer and I had originally wanted to add that to the memorial pieces I already had on my chest.

Continue reading →

by

The 2009 review

Well the year is almost over…  There\’s lots I could say to sum it up but to coin a phrase from Catlin \”2009 for me was the absolute highest highs and the lowest lows. I experienced pure, unadulterated joy and rock bottom, brutal sadness. I felt about as angry as I ever have.\” Hope she doesn\’t mind, but in all honestly I really couldn\’t have said it better myself!  Brilliantly put Catlin, that\’s all I have to say 🙂  Reading other people\’s blogs has its advantages since it was Catlin that pointed out that Gillian answers a serious of questions every year after skimming through them I thought well you know, why not?  So thank you Gillian for making this blog entry a little easier!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Lots of things!  Went to places I\’ve never been before and more importantly became a little more true to myself.  Oh and I went boxing day shopping with my mom & sister and didn\’t buy a  single hoodie!  (I have a hoodie addiction)  Seriously…  You reading this Micheal lol.  I actually bought girly attire…  I gotta say though I do love that angora sweater 😉

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I haven\’t bothered with them in years.  I do however hope that 2010 is a whole lot better then 2009 was!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

not particularly close per say, but a few people I know are proud parents.  However  my best friend of 20+ years is pregnant 🙂

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes

5. What countries did you visit?

How about provinces? I went to Ontario as per the usual in the summer and just got back from Christmas there too.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

peace of mind!

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

September 3rd one of my best friends died and that day changed my life.  RIP Jason, I love you!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Wow that\’s a tough one.  Can\’t really say I actually have one which is kind of sad in a way but this year was full of so. much. fail.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not being there for someone when they needed me the most.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Well aside from the Advil overdose because of that epic tooth pain I had, the infection that followed which SUCKED not really.  Injury\’s well I hurt myself at work quite a bit but its rather minor in comparison.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A new computer (thanks mom <3)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My sister

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Jason…

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills, the dentist, visa

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My tattoos! lol

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Can\’t say I have one particular song in mind.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Although I can\’t totally recall how I felt this time last year I know due to circumstances that I am most certainly sadder, thinner and hands down a whole lot more poor too lol.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Been there more for my friends/family.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

procrastinated, stressed out, getting angry and less crying!  Did far too much of that this year!

20. How did you spend Christmas?

I was in Ontario with my immediate family and it was awesome!  I had a really good Christmas this year in the end.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

nope.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Family guy!  Although I haven\’t watched a lot of TV this year and I\’m canceling the cable soon because of it.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No.

24. What was the best book you read?

I read so many good ones this year!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Haven\’t made any of those…

26. What did you want and get?

Tickets to Metallica!  A new computer,  a cat with thumbs, some beautiful tattoo work of course/

27. What did you want and not get?

Jason to be alive.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Didn\’t see enough movies to even garner a proper response for that one.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 31…  Had a small soiree with my friends at my apartment and it was fabulous!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

not being in debt and being back in school already!

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

ha ha this year was a bit of a transformation of sorts.  I\’ve always been a jeans/t-shirt/hoodie girl.  I still am but I have gotten more \”girly\” attire and started wearing heels!  That\’s a little crazy in itself!

32. What kept you sane?

My friends, I honestly don\’t know what I would have done without them this year!  I am so very fortunate to have such amazing people in my life!

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

That\’s not my style, I could care less about that sort of thing.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

H1N1 Jesus Christ!  All the hype and bullshit holy fuck!

35. Who did you miss?

Jason, my mom

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Define met, I can say who the best new person I\’ve talked to but have yet to meet is.  They already know that though and if they don\’t well they should!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Life is short, too short!

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day\’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What\’s worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts \’cause there\’s no second try
So live like you\’re never living twice
Don\’t take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day-Nickleback

So in closing, this year sucked in SO many ways…  Tons and tons of soul sucking drama, far too many tears and heartbreak and things that just speak of pure evil.  Although there were a few rare moments of happiness that made them all that much more precious.  In the end its the little things that matter and that was a lesson that I sadly learned the hard way.
So 2009 wasn\’t a total loss, just a very difficult year.  In the end, I have learned that inspiration can come from the strangest things but leads to something beautiful.  I\’m not going to rattle of names, but I can only hope that those who were there for me either directly or indirectly when I needed them the most, who gave me some very much needed closure in inadvertently assisting me with my memorial tattoo for Jason and those who just made this year suck a little less, your awesome and I am so totally grateful that you were there even if it was only for a brief period of time <3
Here\’s to hoping that 2010 is full of much better things for us all 😉