Category Archives: Jason

by

I have a plan…

I like plans, I like knowing that I and I alone hold some semblance of control over *my* life and no one else.  So after the most epic meltdown that I think I have ever had which Ian bared the burnt of that via  a telephone conversation last night after making the mistake of asking me how my day was lol.  So my boss is being a twat and I have officially reached my breaking point!  I\’ve been talking about going back to school for years now to pursue something else but that takes time and money that I don\’t necessarily have.  Especially time!  Being in the culinary industry is a total time whore!  No its not impossible to maintain a job and go to school, I\’ve done it.  However its so un-predictable it makes time management a tad difficult on occasion.

Enter this beautiful thing that technology permits called e-learning!  Lasalle college offers a year long program in multimedia techniques which is online and the tuition fees aren\’t outrageously high either so that\’s a plus!  I have little interest in some aspects of the program, but meh why not?  Won\’t kill me to learn something new which is somewhat in retrospect to what I was after anyway.  I\’m also going to be taking a crash course in web design.  I have background knowledge  in it anyway and seeing as how my code skills could use some work anyway might as well.  Jason and I had discussed that prior to his untimely death and well I figure there\’s no better time then the present.  I put it off for several reasons, one of them being he was my personal coding genius.

I already have a copy of the entire macromedia dreamweaver suite (which is included with said class) and associated programs but maybe I\’ll actually learn how to actually use it lol.  Because their tutorials well they\’re shit…  I also lack the patience to sit there and figure it out on my own.  nothing like have a grossly over-priced piece of paper to add to my current collection that say YAY I know how to use it! 😉  Originally it was more so for my own personal benefit with Jason\’s & company\’s joint ventures but I figure since he\’s gone now and even though James did agree to come on board (thank God!) it would be to my own personal benefit to actually know 100% how everything works so that I need not rely on anyone/anything else…

So in order to achieve this I have to continue to whore myself out to the industry that I really am growing to despise and don\’t exactly enjoy anymore regardless of where I work I now have a goal in mind and that if anything gives me the motivation to tolerate this a little bit longer (I hope!) knowing that in the end something bigger and better will be there at the end.  Again I can hope right?  So we\’ll see what happens, in any case my website will benefit from it in the end (I think).

So I have a job interview tomorrow evening for a sous Chef position which is more *my* deal, and well its more stable since its in an upscale retirement home as opposed to a restaurant environment so if anything its consistent as opposed to being in an alternative culinary environment where your hours are dictated by the amount of customers you have in a day.   I need more stability in my life when it comes to my finances because well I have a tattoo habit to support.  Also decided that since my knee issue has improved sans surgery I\’m going back to the gym.  I miss kick boxing, people may say that its violent blah blah blah but really aside from having and I quote \” good old fashioned angry sex to make me feel better\” which is always fun, I need an outlet for the reams of anger I seem to be experiencing lately and well I like it.   Not only that my sex life is well not even in exsistance :p

So maybe I\’ll start shopping for hot pink hello kitty boxing gloves ha ha!

by

Dear Jason

Have  I mentioned lately that you suck?  Because you do!  Its been a month and that horrible pain that I felt is still very much in existence, I just for the most part keep it to myself.   Its been a month since I came home and read the news and sat here screaming and crying for hours on end.  I\’m pretty sure the people upstairs thought that I was being beaten to death or some other horrible instance such as it was, but no that was my heart being torn into a million tiny shards…

I gave up trying to figure out why, granted I\’m still in shock.  I know your dead and gone its just as if a part of my mind refuses to accept it for what it is.  Screw the 7 stages of grief your death has rocked me to the very core of a soul that I didn\’t even know that I had.  I broke the news to James, and finally got around to calling him earlier in the week.  I put it off because I knew that would just bring back the hurt all over again and sure enough hard as I tried not to cry I did.  Much like I am now, maybe someday it will stop but I doubt it.  I think he\’s pretty much the only one who knew you the same way that I did and could truly appreciate just how awesome you are.  He\’s also in universal agreement with me about how utterly gross what she did was.  He was pretty great in spite of the fact that it was after midnight when I called him, little did I know he\’s 6 hours ahead of me.  Videotron must LOVE me seeing as how I\’ve been racking up my phone bill with these awesome overseas phone calls.

Put the site on hold, can\’t bring myself to do any real work on it.  Reminds me too much of you and it hurts too damn much!  I have a pretty high tolerance for physical pain but this, yeah I can\’t handle this very much…  My friends have been wonderful, dragging me all over the place and providing a nice distraction but at the end of the day your still gone and there\’s not a damn thing I can do to change that.  Like I said to James, we tend to take for granted that our friends are going to be around a lot longer.  The guilt for the most part has abated but I\’m not 100% certain it will ever go away.  Mostly because you told me that in spite of the fact that you find so little to live for, that I was great and hearing from me always made your day.

Except that I got all hardcore caught up in my life and never did send you that e-mail to tell you that I was in fact OK and that abnormality that they found turned out to be nothing major that I can\’t personally handle.  I also remember the time you asked me what it was like to be 30 and me telling you that the first 6 months were the best 6 months ever except you\’ll never get to experience that.  You know though one piece of advice you gave me has stuck with me and it was what you had said that finally made up my mind in the end.  You couldn\’t have been more right on that note.  I wish you were still around so we could talk about that stuff, you were the only one I had that I could speak that freely with…

They say time heals everything but I don\’t think that time will ever heal this or erase this.  I know eventually I\’ll learn to cope as you know that I will but I\’ll tell you that time can\’t come fast enough!  Not a day goes by that I don\’t think of you and I miss you so much its unreal!  I scroll through my bookmarks and your blog is still there, even though you got rid of the domain I can\’t bring myself to erase that link.  Same thing with your phone number that\’s stashed in my cell phone.  I miss actually physically talking to you, hearing you laugh…

I\’m able to sleep now for the most part, the first few weeks after you died, especially the first few days sleep was a luxury that  I simply couldn\’t obtain.  Oddly enough I had a dream about you the other night, I was staring at your memorial page when someone\’s voice crept up behind me and scared the crap outta me!  I\’m going to call Gil soon to make that tattoo appointment for your memorial tattoo.  Jeff is also going to be tattooing me in the new year which will be  a secondary memorial tattoo for you; since the first one I thought about before hand because it coincides with the memorial tattoos I have on my chest already.  Tattoos/pain really do solve everything…  Or at least that\’s what us tattooed people try to convince ourselves that it does.  So the first one will be on my chest and Jeff will be tattooing a piece on my ribs.  Apparently that\’s the most painful place to get tattooed but I need it to hurt because then maybe I can channel the pain of loosing you into the pain of the tattoo that I\’m about to get and maybe then I\’ll start to heal.

I\’m really starting to hate my job…  I need a career change and I need one BADLY!  I really truly hope that your faith in modology rings true because as much as I love being a Chef its time for a change!  I just wish you were here to see it unfold and prevail and maybe become the next best thing.  So if that\’s the case then once I start up your memorial fund your profit margin as previously agreed upon will be donated to that cause.  I refuse to let your legacy die!

I miss you so much it hurts…  I wish you were here because I need you, not for work related purposes but to just be there like the awesome friend you always were.  James agreed to come on board, thank God!  He also understands all too well that I just can\’t work on it right now.  He\’s coping as am I but were both still reeling from the loss…  Like I\’ve said countless times, I really hope there IS life after death because I\’ll kill you all over again!  Like James said, heaven help you when I arrive 😉

I just hope in the end when you left that you knew that there was at least one person in this world who adored you and loved you so very much! <3

Grief is like the ocean, it\’s deep and dark and bigger than all of us.  Pain is like a thief in the night: quiet, persistent, unfair; diminished by time, faith, and love.

by

Epic time killer…

Mostly cos I\’m bored!

Who in your phone has a heart after their name?
– no one at the moment

What are you doing tomorrow?
– Work. Then off to Clyde\’s for the benefit concert.

What shirt are you wearing?
– a regular one of the mill super soft long sleeved shirt and a hoodie of course!

How many pillows on your bed?
– 6, well technically 8 but 6 are for sleeping purposes. Yeah I love pillows

Where was the last place you went besides your house?
– Work.

Has someone ever told you they love you and you didn’t say it back?
– yeah, that was kinda bad… Long time ago though.

Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?
-Yep

Is anyone else in the room with you?
-nope

What\’s your favorite drink?
-Depends

Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?
-Nope

What was the first thing you thought of this morning?
-Can\’t recall

Do you really, truly miss someone right now?
– Yes. Jason <3

What is the last movie you watched in a theater?
– Ice age 3 in 3D with my mom lol

Who did you last go out to eat with?
– Donna to Chocolate et Juliette and it was AWESOME!

How\’s your life lately?
– meh, it has its moments. Mostly OK.

When was the last time you laughed so hard you couldn\’t breathe?
– a few days ago

Is there someone you used to talk to every single day that you don\’t talk to at all anymore?
– There are several.

Have you ever been rude to someone without even realizing it?
– I always realize when I am being rude.

Have you found someone you really like?
– 😉 indeed

What do you hear right now?
– random street noises.

How are you feeling?
– like a total dumbass STILL *ahem*

Have you seen anyone you knew and purposely avoided them?
-nah, I have blowing people off down to an art!

Think of the last time you were REALLY angry when was it?
– lol like six hours ago. PMS induced hissy fit, LOVE those.

Is there someone you can\’t stop thinking about?
– There\’s at least two; each for their own reasons.

Will tomorrow be better than today?
– I suspect it will have some small improvements.

What do you bite on more, your tongue, lip, or nails?
– likely my lower lip, or screw around with my tongue piercing.

Do you trust all your friends?
– No.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
– I hope not!

Are you happy at the moment?
– Happy enough.

Do you ever get shy around the boy/girl you like?
– On occasion, but that\’s a rare occurrence.

Last thing you bought?
-dinner

Last time you were scared?
– n/a

Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex?
– I did, not anymore 🙁 Damn you Jason!

Do you like reading?
– I fucking love it.

-Friday-Clyde\’s, Sat. afternoon Jackie\’s house for a dinner party, Sat. nite crying over the fact that I will NOT be at Metallica, Sunday nufin at the moment

Do you tell your mom everything?
– Nope, I love my mom but somethings are on a need to know basis as in she DOESN\’T need to know. <3 you mom! 😉

What are your plans for this weekend? Who will you hangout with?
Didn\’t I already mention this? Jackie, Jen & Clint for sure!

Are you enemies with a former friend?
-nope.

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
– Yeah like 5 hours ago…

Regrets?
– Only misgivings.

Has anyone ever crawled through your window?
– Nope

What is something you\’re currently frustrated about?
– my job

How many wives/husbands do you want?
– meh already had one, maybe someday I\’ll have another.

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
– Nope I love her to pieces!

Who was the last person you yelled at?
– As in verbally? Um been a while unless you, nah never mind.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
-Donna, she came over the night I found out Jason died.

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
– Yes, Jen cos I do!

Did you speak to your mother today?
– No. Much to my disappointment.

Do you have plans for tomorrow?
– I feel I may have answered this already? Do believe I did!

Does the last person you held hands with, mean something to you?
-Not anymore cos that was a LONG time ago.

Are you close with your mom?
-She\’s my everything

Who was the last person in your bedroom?
-Donna oddly enough, was showing her my painting or something like that.

Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone?
– Jackie

Do you need to say anything to anyone?
– It\’s getting to that point, I think.

Are you typically a jealous person?
-Nope

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
– yep

If I looked under your bed, what would I find?
-nothing special

Sleep on your back or stomach?
-Depends

What time did you go to sleep last night?
– 12:45am

Ever talked to someone that was drunk?
-Yeah

Where were you at 3:02 AM this morning?
-In my awesome bed!

Do you wet the toothbrush before the toothpaste?
– nope

What song did you last listen to?
– Not an addict- K\’s choice

Have you ever broken a toe?
-Yes

Are your nails painted?
-Not at the moment but they\’re all shiny like thanks to the nail kit my mommy bought me for Christmas and I finally used it. Its nothing short of awesome I may add.

What\’s your favorite brand of shoes?
– Doc Martens & Airwalks

Do you ever get car sick?
– Nope

Have you ever kissed under fireworks?
– Not that I recall

Who do you text the most?
– Lately? Micheal/John/Jen

Have you ever made a snow man?
– Yeah not in years

Do you prefer sliding down a slide or swinging on swings?
-Both are fun

Are you sick a lot?
– Nope, I hate germs!

Do you have a male that you can trust with your whole life?
– My tattoo artist Tim oddly enough.

Is it easy to make you cry?
– Nope, unless your super important to me and you decide to play God.

When\’s the last time you fell asleep watching a movie?
– I almost always fall asleep watching a movie.

Are you feeling guilty about anything right now?
– Yeah

Who is the last person you got a text from?
– Micheal

Are you texting anyone?
– Not at this moment.

Are you excited for winter?
– not even.

Have you kissed/hugged anyone in the last 24 hours?
– nope

How many cellphones have you had?
– 3

Do you have any nicknames?
– Steph, stephie, sweetcheeks, Chef Christ I could go on and on… In fact only ONE person actually calls me Stephanie.

What do you do when you\’re having a bad day?
– Depends

If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
-I wouldn\’t, none of them were *that* bad.

Would you rather text or IM?
– Depends sometimes IM is easier then texting…

by

Sometimes I do nice things

Even though according to some people… Micheal *ahem* I\’m trashing my street cred I don\’t care. I never claimed not to be a nice, good all around decent person because I am. That however doesn\’t mean that I\’m STILL not totally badass (because I am) and I refuse to take shit from anyone. Anyway yesterday was the Beaconsfield pet fair and Reach for the stars rescue was there. Which most people should know is owned and operated by a friend of mine and I stand by her efforts 150%.   So in spite of the fact that I didn\’t go to bed until 4:30am I got up early and dragged my ass off to the west island and was hello kitty for the day.

Yes I dressed up as hello kitty.  Yeah we all know how much hello kitty rules but it was pretty warm yesterday and wearing 2 layers of plush over my jeans and t-shirt was equivalent to wearing my own personal sauna ALL day.  Made lots of little girls exceptionally happy, freaked out a few smaller children, as well as scared a dog.  Posed for lots of pictures, got attacked numerous times by small children who I couldn\’t really see since that mask is almost damn near impossible to see anything in.  I however managed not to step on anyone\’s animals or children and didn\’t kick any puppies.

It was an awesome day for the rescue since most people had dogs whereas we did too but we also had lots of kitties with us that were in dire need of forever homes and thankfully to the generosity of some kind people 7 cats and one dog are now out of foster care which is awesome!  I couldn\’t be more happier for Jackie\’s rescue since she works SO hard to make sure that those animals are taken care of and well loved!  Reach for the stars rescue is the ONLY foster based rescue that provides everything.  From the food, the litter, vet check ups, toys, blankets and the whole 9 yards!

Sooner as opposed to later I\’ll be building their website so that we can make a better effort to get the word out for fund-raising and such.  Which Jackie does a lot of from making her own jam from scratch, dinners, live shows and any other means that she can raise money to help them.  I think she\’s amazing, I have never met someone who gives so selflessly to others.  Most people are against adopting from rescues and various agency\’s because of the adoption fee\’s.  What most people don\’t take into consideration is the amount of money that goes into making sure that they\’re well loved and healthy BEFORE they become your new pet.

So on that note, once my business gets up and running, some proceeds will go to the rescue because I know for a fact that ALL the money she raises is put back into her rescue efforts and doesn\’t keep a cent for herself.  OK I\’m done pimping out the rescue for now 😉

Just goes to show you that those of us who are modified aren\’t bad people!

I also added another section to my links for suicide prevention because not a day goes by that I don\’t miss Jason <3