Category Archives: Family

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Tick-Tock

\”3 months, maybe a year, no one really knows for sure.\”

This is what my mom said to me the other day when she called to update me on the situation with my dad.  The prognosis was never good, however I (and most likely him and a few other people) thought that we had more time and suddenly it would seem that there isn\’t nearly enough.  The emotional roller coaster I am on right now is my worst nightmare.  Today is an angry day.  Fucking doctors and their need to make money at seemingly any cost.

What ever happened to the oath that Doctors are supposed to take.  You know the one where it says:

\”Whatsoever house I may enter, my visit shall be for the convenience and advantage of the patient; and I will willingly refrain from doing any injury or wrong from falsehood, and (in an especial manner) from acts of an amorous nature, whatever may be the rank of those who it may be my duty to cure, whether mistress or servant, bond or free\”.

Evidently none of that matters if the person you\’re treating is going to die sooner rather than later.  Except that stupid radiation treatment (that I always thought was pointless) ate up time.  Time that should have been spent with family and friends, cherishing those last moments.  But no no, that cancer \”needed\” to be treated.  Doesn\’t matter that your patients lungs are so riddled with a fatal lung disease that the tiny cancer tumor that wasn\’t even a inch long, just HAD to go.  Had to bust out that biopsy \”just in case\”.

Oh hey, maybe we can do a lung transplant, except we can\’t because you\’ll die on the table from the anesthetic because your disease is too far advanced. Too late for you because your family doctor is a useless twat who ignored your constant stream of lung infections and wrote them off as \’nothing\’.  We\’re going to give you a radiation treatment to kill the cancer cells and in doing so, we\’re going to destroy your immune system.

You\’ll have an amazing Christmas with your family but that will be short lived because of the radiation treatment.  You\’re going to end up with a vicious lung infection that will almost kill you in your sleep, yet you managed to get yourself to the hospital just in time.  Now you\’re completely dependent on oxygen 24/7 because we\’re doctors, we have God complexes, we\’re greedy as fuck and don\’t give a flying fuck that you\’re family is going to be the one\’s who are left to pick up the pieces while we steal your dignity and your life.

I have no words.  NONE.

Although I can only hope that karma bites them in the ass or they get struck by a bus.  Can\’t suck away all my hope, it\’s not much but right now it\’s all I have.

This is a game changer, because now there\’s an actual time limit and time?

It goes by too damn fast and it scares me to death.

 

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Tea, toast & tears.

It wasn\’t enough to get a letter today from the government informing me that I apparently owe them $758.00 because they \’re-assessed\’ my taxes.  That\’s not a huge deal because I have the T4\’s to be backing up that bullshit claim.  That\’s the one downside to doing your taxes online, you need not hand in your slips, but it\’s a damn good thing that I hold onto these things because them \’readjusting\’ the amount of taxes I owe is ridiculous.  Evidently the people at revenue Canada can\’t do math?  How do you just \”decide\” that I didn\’t pay as much as I said I did?

There will be none of that thank you very f\’ing much.

So I can just add that to the great big pile of stuff I just don\’t care to deal with but can\’t ignore…

Alas, this isn\’t about that.

It\’s about my dad. 

Back in June he was diagnosed with lung cancer and emphysema.  Before you put on your judge-y pants, my father quit smoking over 30 years ago so this disease?

Not just limited to smokers.

So there is no cure for emphysema and while my dad was able to kick cancer in the ass, it doesn\’t change much.

In fact, it doesn\’t change anything at all.

They figure that he\’s had this disease for years and it went largely ignored because of our family history of having lousy lungs, so the time that we have is extra precious because we thought that we had more of it.  Something I think that we all take for granted.  Sadly most people don\’t get to living until they realize that they\’re dying.  We\’re pretty candid in my family about pretty much everything and death is no exception.  As soon as the diagnosis was announced my parents made sure that everything was in order and my dad planned his funeral.  So all of his wishes are laid out and we know what he wants and we\’ll be certain to make sure that we send him out the way he wants.

Aside from that, life is pretty normal more or less.  It\’s always in the back of our minds because it\’s not going anywhere, there\’s no cure.  Emphysema slowly cuts off your air until you stop breathing.  It\’s cruel and while it\’s something I try not to think about too hard, I try to make the most of the time I DO have with my dad.  I\’ve been trying to get a family picture done twice since I\’ve been home because it will most likely be the last.  It never seems to work out and I wonder if it ever will.  I went home in July after I heard the news and Christmas was one of the best one\’s my family has had in a long time, it was nice.  Life goes on as it should and while my dad puts on this front of false bravado, I know it\’s a ruse.  He\’s trying real hard to be brave but I know he\’s scared and it breaks my heart because I can\’t imagine dying in such an agonizing fashion.

Shit got real when I came home and my dad was outfitted with his oxygen supply.

It got even more real when I seen him at Christmas and he was complaining that he was gaining too much weight from the steroids to help him breathe and yet all the weight gain makes it more difficult to breathe.  Seeing how frustrated he was because he couldn\’t catch a break and breathe like a regular person.

Today as I was sitting in class, I got a text from my mom.  Dad has a lung infection, he\’s in the hospital.  You should call him.

All of these things take on a whole new meaning when you have emphysema.  So I called my dad, we tried to have random small talk, he asked me about school, listened to me bitch about what douche-bags the tax agency is and tried to be all nice and normal all the while ignoring the fact that you could hear hospital sounds in the background while they tried to find a place for him.  Tried to keep things light and airy when he said he\’s trying to stay on this side of the sod (grass) a little longer.

I tried not to fall apart as my dad said I love you to me and heard him start to cry as we were hanging up.  That happens every time we talk now because neither of us knows if that\’s the last time.

My father is dying a slow death and it fucking sucks. Part of me really wants this to just be over because the wait/wondering is brutal and scary and emotionally taxing.  I can\’t even imagine how terrifying it is for him.  Yet part of me wants him to at least stick it out long enough for me to finish school so he can see me graduate from university.  It\’s a really big deal for me and it would be extra special if he was there to witness it.  I know he\’s already proud of me, but that\’s not really the point.

I can\’t handle the feels.

Thank God for Nick.  While tea and toast when I get home from school won\’t make it all OK, his hugs are amazing and he doesn\’t mind when I come home and fall into his arms as I ugly cry about the injustice of it all.

I just can\’t even.

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You\’re an asshole parent.

I\’m being extra judg-y and petty right now.  I also don\’t care.  Now that\’s out of the way…

I don\’t have kids, but one thing I know for certain is that if you and hubs have split ways and share your kids here\’s a tip:

FUCKING COMMUNICATE!

Normally I don\’t like to \’drag\’ other people into my blog life because it\’s just not right.  However when history repeats itself time and time again and I get screwed over?

Game over motherfucker.

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I made plans back in APRIL to have my mom and my niece come visit me in Montreal.  My mom always comes to visit me once a year and this year the Lion King (the Broadway musical) is making a comeback so I bought really awesome seats for my niece and I.  It was a major splurge but I figured since it was for her birthday and part of Christmas, why not?

Well her dad booked his vacation during the EXACT same time that my niece is supposed to be in Montreal with my mom and myself.

Apparently it was asking for too much to wait for four measly days for his daughter to have the time of her life, enjoying what is most likely to be a once in a lifetime opportunity for his daughter to see a beautifully done musical in Montreal.

Lot\’s of blame has been tossed around but you know what?

I made plans with her first, I should have first priority since I only get to see her once or twice a year.  Apparently none of that matters because someone doesn\’t know how to communicate effectively.

Did I mention that the travel tickets and the musical tickets are also non refundable?

So you are an asshole parent Jeff.

That\’s really fucking low.  Your daughter should come before your needs.

I\’ve lost all respect for you now.

 

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Dear Dustin

An open letter to my nephew who turned 18 today.

Dearest Dustin.

I remember when your mom told me she was pregnant with you.

Instant Joy. 

I was SO excited, I couldn\’t wait for you to arrive!  I took your mom and dad out to Mr. Sub and your mom got the most disgusting concoction I have ever seen.  I still lived at home and your mom and dad lived next door and I was the one who answered the phone when your mom called in the wee hours of the morning panicking because she was pretty sure that her water broke and she couldn\’t pee and could I please get mom.

I was fortunate enough to be let into the delivery room minutes after your arrival, which technically wasn\’t allowed but the rules were bent for me that day and I remember the first time I held you in my arms.  Your dad was glaring at me because I was hogging you and had a real hard time giving you back.  I absolutely adored you from that moment and that\’s one thing that hasn\’t changed.

I promised your parents that I would be your guardian should something happen to them.  I was honored that your parents asked me to be your God mother and I stood before all of our loved one\’s and God as I promised to do everything I could in my power to help you, to guide you, to protect you and most importantly to love you no matter what.

I never, ever go back on my word.

I\’ll never forget the time you asked me about being gay, which also led to a discussion about adoption all the while wondering where on earth your mother was! Ha ha >.<  We (your mom and I) still laugh about that to this day and about how mortified *I* was.

When you were small, I used to sing you are my sunshine and that has proven to be true all these years.  No matter how rough things got, I could always count on you (and your sister when she arrived) to brighten my day and to remind me of how blessed I truly am.  Through the years there\’s been some insane ups and downs.  Lot\’s of sleepover\’s, trips to the park, ice cream, hugs,  tears, joy, frustrations and times when I was sorry and very angry that I couldn\’t be there with you to take the hurt away when I moved to Montreal.  Just remember my dear heart, death before dishonor.  I promised you and your sister that I wouldn\’t ever hurt you.

I will beat the snot out of anyone who dares to hurt the love of my life.   

I can\’t believe that you\’re 18.  *I* was 18 when you came into this world and you have turned into a remarkable young man and I am so proud of you and the man you have become and I can only begin to imagine what an outstanding man you\’re going to become.  Here are some pearls of wisdom  and there\’s some more here and some more here.  There\’s a lot of validity in those pearls of wisdom.  Cherish them.

The only piece of advice I wish to leave to leave you with is this: Be true to yourself, because at the end of the day that\’s who you have to live with.  I\’ll love you no matter what. xoxo

You are my sunshine.  I\’ll love you forever, i\’ll like you for always.  As long as i\’m living, my nephew you\’ll be. <3

All my love, Aunt Stephie