So since a slew of people were asking to view my work as in my exceptionally random photography work, I created a gallery section & I\’m slowly sorting through my albums to see what exactly I want to share with the world at large.
I\’ve learned to appreciate more of what I have these days now that Jason\’s gone. I actually made it through the day without crying for a change! So that was nice… Still need to e-mail James which I\’m going to do shortly. Its not fair to keep him in the dark when maybe I can offer him a little insight to ease his pain as well as my own. It still hurts but I count my blessings now a lot more then I used to.
I hope someday sooner as opposed to later I won\’t be as sad anymore. I can\’t e-mail him anymore but I will \”stay in touch\” through here. It helps me to deal, especially since I think I will forever be haunted by him telling me that hearing from me brightened his day and I wasn\’t there when he needed me the most. Besides its my domain, my blog and no one needs to read them if they don\’t want to.
Although I think the hellish nightmare/roller coaster of grieve and guilt has at the very least slowed down a little. I\’m a little bothered by the fact that they still haven\’t buried him yet. Yeah I understand that an autopsy is necessary to determine the cause of death but I\’m fairly certain that\’s was established at the scene. Again I\’ll spare you the details that I do know…
In any case tragedy will either bring out the best and/or the worst in people and I have to say that I\’m pretty fortunate to have the amount of people in my life that I do that are SO AWESOME! Words can\’t express how exceptionally grateful I am to have such people in my life. I know I keep saying it, but I\’m not going to assume that they know anymore.
I read in a book once if you wanted to \”forgive\” someone who had passed on to write a letter to them which of obvious reasons you can\’t send to at them. Its not so much that I don\’t forgive you; I just have a lot to say I guess. My guilty conscious eating away at me for all those e-mails I never sent to you when you were actually alive to read them. I could make these posts private as you know I\’m not one to publicly broadcast my pain I choose not to for a few reasons. Not because I want anyone\’s pity, but maybe this will help someone. Besides its my blog, my domain, my rules! lol
It still hasn\’t sunk in yet which is normal I suppose, its only been 4.5 days. I just keep hoping that this is just a horrendous nightmare that I will wake up from and I will come home from work to find an e-mail from you telling me that your alive and well like you did the last time you ran off on me. I\’m kicking myself in the ass in a way. I knew, I had this feeling and after reading those last e-mails we shared the signs were all there. I know you can\’t help someone who won\’t/can\’t help themselves. Perhaps you didn\’t want to, maybe you were too fucking proud to take my suggestion to determine if you were really bi-polar since you told me you were suffering from depression/anxiety.
Its a damn good thing you changed the IAM2 dev forums to my server because I didn\’t have an e-mail address handy for James in my contact list. We hadn\’t spoken in a while, because we\’re all so insanely busy. I\’m just glad that in spite of that fact that it was your death that brought us back together so to speak that he heard it from me. Unlike myself who 1st heard about it via facebook but was too dense to clue in (sorry Carly) and then for some unforeseen reason I went onto Shannon\’s blog and read the news there. Shannon of course being ever so tactful didn\’t say why but deep down I knew. So I emailed him and me not being patient what so ever googled Carlsbad area newspapers and there you were. The latest breaking news story for all the world to see.
I didn\’t want to believe that it was you although they said your name. I shouldn\’t have read those news reports, especially after the fact. I really didn\’t need to hear about what happened to your lovely face and your brilliant mind.
I cry a little less now, although sometimes its still hard. Like when I was talking to Daniel, I couldn\’t help it when I talked to my mom and James being sweet gave me his number and I honestly can\’t bear to call him at the moment.
I wish that you were still here. I missed you before and even more so now. I was ever so hopeful that things would work out and we would rock out our projects and then you could say:\” Nothing tastes better then the embarrassment of those sure that you would fail\” (Marilyn Manson). Since you can\’t I sure as hell can try! I spoke to Daniel today, we both agreed that you can\’t EVER be replaced but in the same token I still need a \”business\” partner in some form or another. Even just to take care of things if I get sick, or go on vacation and he accepted. Fuck! Sorry man, sometimes I have bursts of anger… Modology will go on and eventually somehow, someway so will I but my life and our pet project will never be the same without you. At first I was going to say the hell with it, it wouldn\’t be the same without you. However James saying that we needed to round up the funds to pull the dreamhost account back into good standing so your legacy could continue so I decided against ditching it. I will do my damnedest to move it all over to my server, its all I have left of you and I refuse to let it go.
People of course are talking a ton of shit and it pains me to read things like this and even this, you know why it hurts me in one way and its totally BOGUS bullshit in the other way. In the same token however there\’s been a HUGE outpouring of support and people have been saying some really nice things about you. One comment was especially nice:
\”Edurus_Fas wrote:
I hope no one minds me posting a poem I found a while ago.
A Memory Hug Author Unknown
Your loss has left a hole in your heart.
That never goes away…
you learn to live with it.
With acceptance of the loss and
changes in your life, the pain lessens.
Eventually memories fill up the space,
but it never goes away.
Then, when you least expect it,
a memory spills out of the hole
in your heart and washes
you clean again with tears. Think of it as a Memory Hug
This poem helps me in some ways about the three members of my family I lost in 2008. I hope it helps those who knew Jason too.\”
At times like these I truly wish that there is life after death, because after I\’m done screaming at you for hurting me and countless others like this for doing what you did to yourself; then I can tell you I love you at least one more time because I do. You were one of the sweetest guys I know and your my everything. I\’m suffering from tattoo fever again and since I know you wanted another tattoo for the longest time I\’ll be getting one on your behalf. Not quite sure what you had in mind so I\’m actually getting two, one for you and one on your behalf to remind me that life is precious. I hope your resting well dear friend, I miss you.
Love Steph
Lyrics to How To Save A Life :
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it\’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you\’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you\’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he\’ll say he\’s just not the same
And you\’ll begin to wonder why you came
CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
I got a text from Jen this morning asking me to go to the tattoo convention (which I had forgotten ALL about) but after reading yet another follow up on Jason\’s death in the news with some rather gruesome details I really wasn\’t feeling up to going. Yet Jen was insistent that I don\’t stay at home & grieve like I wanted to today and go out and have some fun which I did and I am pretty glad that I didn\’t stay at home & cry and freak out. You know l I wanted to *cough cough* thanks for \”ruing that Jen\” lol *cough*. Generally I\’m usually the tough girl who hides behind her feelings and its rare for me to let them out. However I can tell you one thing that I am so eternally grateful that I have the friends that I do have and the awesome support they\’ve given me. I\’ve had countless people die in my life, it happens. This isn\’t my first suicide related death that I\’ve had to deal with either but this one was the closest to home for me and I\’m still numb from the shock of it all.
Jason\’s death rocked me to the very core of a soul that I didn\’t even know that I had. It still hurts, and I won\’t go on pretending it doesn\’t. It still seems surreal to me that I won\’t ever hear from him again. I thought of him today when I was at the convention and how he always wanted to get another tattoo. So I talked to my ex today who\’s apprenticing to tattoo and he\’s going to do a small memorial piece for me after Christmas when the shop isn\’t so busy. Jason couldn\’t afford to get a new tattoo, so this one will be for him in his honor. His death has taught me that life is short and sometimes goes by too fast even if he was the one who decided to cut it short. Needless to say I am now counting my blessings a little more then I used to.
I shunned the convention for a few years now mostly because it was the same old, same old. However this year was MUCH better then the previous one\’s I\’ve attended and I\’m glad that I went we had a lot of fun! Jen nabbed all kinds of goodies for herself, Clint got a new tattoo, I nabbed a ton of tattoo convention swag for Ania, I treated myself to a really amazing poster that I need to have framed & had an awesome and exceptionally entertaining dinner. Dinner was entertaining because as we were sitting on the terrace which overlooked the space between Windsor station where the convention was being held and the bell center where the killers were playing tonight so there was a huge crowd outside between the 2 events and all of a sudden I see numerous people pointing up to the Marriott hotel and at first I didn\’t know what everyone was pointing at until I noticed a couple in the window giving us a free show. I don\’t think they realized how many people were paying attention to them until they looked out the window where at least 500 people started cheering and waving lol.
All in all, was a really good day! Spent money that I shouldn\’t have, but I rarely go to the conventions and fuck it, you only live once! During my time at the convention, I got a phone call from someone that I haven\’t heard from in ages so we made plans to hang out after I got home. I won\’t divulge all the details but needless to say it was good to see him because of an incident that had occured 2 years ago and I was itching to call him on it. Which I did of course! It was nice to see him, somewhat reminiscent of high school to some degree but all in all the entire day was a welcome distraction. Good times, with even better friends 🙂
Some people have asked what will happen to the business but I want to make one thing clear: Yes Jason *was* my business partner but first and foremost he was a dear friend. Our friendship developed quite the bond over time and while I need time to heal this gaping wound of hurt that I have, the show must go on. Jason would have wanted it that way. I\’m trying to come up with the funding to reinstate his now suspended dream host account (which I always had access to). That\’s where IAM2 was hosted and several other sites as well so I would at least like to get the source codes so I can move it to my domain and try to keep his memory alive in some form or another. As far as Modology is concerned, even though Jason is no longer with us; he will still be listed as staff. Any money he would have made through our business venture will be put into a fund and donated to various charities that deal with suicide prevention and awareness.
Eventually I would like to start the Jason Cartwright memorial fund in his honor as a non profit organization. Looking back I knew, the signs were there and while I did my best to rally behind him and be there I think that it was just too much for him to take. I\’m 99.9% certain that the whole incident with Rachel fucking him over at his job at BME the way that she did was the proverbial straw. Had it not been her it would have most likely been someone else of course. I acknowledge that for what it is, I will however forever blame her for his un-timely demise. As far as I\’m concerned, even though she wasn\’t there; she was the driving force behind him pulling the trigger.
Perhaps I just need someone to blame amongst the grief/anger/sadness/hurt I feel at the moment. Maybe not, but I knew him better then most which is sad. I have a ton of people to rally behind me when things get tough and for the first time I let them \”shoulder\” the burden of grief with me and I\’m glad I did. Sometimes one needs to break down their barriers and let some people in, or at the very least; build a few windows.
I\’m looking forward to later to day where I\’m visiting the botanical gardens with Jackie so that should be a lot of fun. Haven\’t been there yet strangely enough! So there\’s going to be a ton of pictures to upload when I get home. I took lots at the convention today and I\’m not going to bother uploading any of them until I get back from the botanical gardens.
But nope its my heart that\’s broken in a million tiny shards. I lost a VERY dear friend to me today; Jason was also my business partner.
There are no words for how I feel right now… I created a memorial page just for him, which is linked at the top & on the right. If you knew him, please feel free to comment there/here.
RIP Jason, I love you and you will be deeply missed until the end of time. I hope you have found the comfort that you were so desperately seeking.
Also Shannon posted this which I am grateful for because for a brief period I found comfort so thank you.
![\"sad\"](\"http://modologyworld.net/steph/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/sad-300x233.jpg\" "\\"sad\\"")
I hope someday sooner as opposed to later I won\’t be as sad anymore. I can\’t e-mail him anymore but I will \”stay in touch\” through here. It helps me to deal, especially since I think I will forever be haunted by him telling me that hearing from me brightened his day and I wasn\’t there when he needed me the most. Besides its my domain, my blog and no one needs to read them if they don\’t want to.![\"jason\"](\"http://modologyworld.net/steph/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/jason-300x248.jpg\" "\\"jason\\"")