Category Archives: Life as I know it

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Time well wasted today!

I\’ve wanted to go to the botanical gardens for a while now few years now.  Of course no one wants to go with me a majority of the time.  I asked Donna if she wanted to go and she said to me and I quote \” I don\’t want to spend the whole day watching you take pictures of flowers.\” So when Jackie said she\’d go with me, I was pretty excited!  I needed the distraction and today wasn\’t a disappointment.

We started out at this little tiny hole in the wall restaurant for brunch where Jackie patiently listened to me ramble on about Jason and offered up some thoughts on her own experiences as well.  I had jokingly said that if there was such a thing as life after death then I\’m looking forward to kicking his ass for hurting me so bad.  Her reply to that statement made a lot of sense and made me feel better: \”Steph, if there truly is life after death, then he\’ll already know how much you hurt and how much your suffering because of his loss.\”  She\’s got a point, I have to give her that!  It was also comforting to me in a way, because you know as religious as I am NOT by any stretch of the imagination I only wish/hope the he really can see just how much of an impact that his death has left on so many people.  I was able to get a hold of James who worked on the IAM2 project, I have yet to get back to him but I will on Monday.  He\’s really only one of the few people that knew how close we were.  The outpouring of awesome support I\’ve gotten from everyone has been amazing!  I\’ve had a lot of new people pop into my life and \”old\” people that I haven\’t heard from in forever come back into it.  I of course avoid dragging them into my emotional trauma and most of them have kept a respectful distance while I grieve.  I have to say once again that I am beyond grateful to have the close friends that I do.  I couldn\’t get through this without you and I love you for it!

Anyway moving along…  We ate after running some errands for her rescue and headed out to the gardens which is MASSIVE, Jesus Christ I think we both sat down for all of a minute the entire afternoon.   We had a field day checking out all the different gardens and even popped in briefly to the insectarium to see how much we weighed in ants & I picked up some candy coated bugs for the kids.  I\’m thinking Chelsea will think that its gross whereas Dustin will think its pretty neat.  What can I say, that\’s the fun part about being an aunt 🙂

All in all it was a good day, although an exceptionally long one!  Then we headed off to the west island for some dinner and I got to meet my possible new companion for Heddy.  He\’s a cute little tabby cat and hopefully they get along as he\’s in need of a forever home.  My memory card is full and the batteries are dead so once they\’re recharged then I\’ll post pictures from the tattoo convention and the botanical gardens as well.  I\’m far more interested in seeing how my garden pictures turned out as I got pretty up close and personal with some bee\’s while I was there.  Didn\’t get stung by any thankfully and I also nabbed a shot of a butterfly that was kind enough to hang out while I took a picture.  One thing I\’m not looking forward to is uploading literally hundreds of images.  My HDD is once again becoming over-run with images and needs to be sorted out again *le sigh*

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And life goes on…

I got a text from Jen this morning asking me to go to the tattoo convention (which I had forgotten ALL about) but after reading yet another follow up on Jason\’s death in the news with some rather gruesome details I really wasn\’t feeling up to going.  Yet Jen was insistent that I don\’t stay at home & grieve like I wanted to today and go out and have some fun which I did and I am pretty glad that I didn\’t stay at home & cry and freak out.  You know l I wanted to *cough cough* thanks for \”ruing that Jen\” lol *cough*.  Generally I\’m usually the  tough girl who hides behind her feelings and its rare for me to let them out.  However I can tell you one thing that I am so eternally grateful that I have the friends that I do have and the awesome support they\’ve given me.  I\’ve had countless people die in my life, it happens.  This isn\’t my first suicide related death that I\’ve had to deal with either but this one was the closest to home for me and I\’m still numb from the shock of it all.

Jason\’s death rocked me to the very core of a soul that I didn\’t even know that I had.  It still hurts, and I won\’t go on pretending it doesn\’t.  It still seems surreal to me that I won\’t ever hear from him again.  I thought of him today when I was at the convention and how he always wanted to get another tattoo.  So I talked to my ex today who\’s apprenticing to tattoo and he\’s going to do a small memorial piece for me after Christmas when the shop isn\’t so busy.  Jason couldn\’t afford to get a new tattoo, so this one will be for him in his honor.  His death has taught me that life is short and sometimes goes by too fast even if he was the one who decided to cut it short.  Needless to say I am now counting my blessings a little more then I used to.

I shunned the convention for a few years now mostly because it was the same old, same old. However this year was MUCH better then the previous one\’s I\’ve attended and I\’m glad that I went we had a lot of fun!  Jen nabbed all kinds of goodies for herself, Clint got a new tattoo, I nabbed a ton of tattoo convention swag for Ania, I treated myself to a really amazing poster that I need to have framed & had an awesome and exceptionally entertaining dinner.  Dinner was entertaining because as we were sitting on the terrace which overlooked the space between Windsor station where the convention was being held and the bell center where the killers were playing tonight so there was a huge crowd outside between the 2 events and all of a sudden I see numerous people pointing up to the Marriott hotel and at first I didn\’t know what everyone was pointing at until I noticed a couple in the window giving us a free show.  I don\’t think they realized how many people were paying attention to them until they looked out the window where at least 500 people started cheering and waving lol.

All in all, was a really good day!  Spent money that I shouldn\’t have, but I rarely go to the conventions and fuck it, you only live once!  During my time at the convention, I got a phone call from someone that I haven\’t heard from in ages so we made plans to hang out after I got home.  I won\’t divulge all the details but needless to say it was good to see him because of an incident that had occured 2 years ago and I was itching to call him on it.  Which I did of course!  It was nice to see him, somewhat reminiscent of high school to some degree but all in all the entire day was a welcome distraction.   Good times, with even better friends 🙂

Some people have asked what will happen to the business but I want to make one thing clear: Yes Jason *was* my business partner but first and foremost he was a dear friend.  Our friendship developed quite the bond over time and while I need time to heal this gaping wound of hurt that I have, the show must go on.  Jason would have wanted it that way.  I\’m trying to come up with the funding to reinstate his now suspended dream host account (which I always had access to).  That\’s where IAM2 was hosted and several other sites as well so I would at least like to get the source codes so I can move it to my domain and try to keep his memory alive in some form or another.   As far as Modology is concerned, even though Jason is no longer with us;  he will still be listed as staff.  Any money he would have made through our business venture will be put into a fund and donated to various charities that deal with suicide prevention and awareness.

Eventually I would like to start the Jason Cartwright memorial fund in his honor as a non profit organization.  Looking back I knew, the signs were there and while I did my best to rally behind him and be there I think that it was just too much for him to take.  I\’m 99.9% certain that the whole incident with Rachel fucking him over at his job at BME the way that she did was the proverbial straw.  Had it not been her it would have most likely been someone else of course.  I acknowledge that for what it is, I will however forever blame her for his un-timely demise.  As far as I\’m concerned, even though she wasn\’t there; she was the driving force behind him pulling the trigger.

Perhaps I just need someone to blame amongst the grief/anger/sadness/hurt I feel at the moment.  Maybe not, but I knew him better then most which is sad.  I have a ton of people to rally behind me when things get tough and for the first time I let them \”shoulder\” the burden of grief with me and I\’m glad I did.  Sometimes one needs to break down their barriers and let some people in, or at the very least; build a few windows.

I\’m looking forward to later to day where I\’m visiting the botanical gardens with Jackie so that should be a lot of fun.  Haven\’t been there yet strangely enough!  So there\’s going to be a ton of pictures to upload when I get home.  I took lots at the convention today and I\’m not going to bother uploading any of them until I get back from the botanical gardens.

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I wish my tear ducts were broken…

But nope its my heart that\’s broken in a million tiny shards.  I lost a VERY dear friend to me today; Jason was also my business partner.

There are no words for how I feel right now… I created a memorial page just for him, which is linked at the top & on the right.  If you knew him, please feel free to comment there/here.

RIP Jason, I love you and you will be deeply missed until the end of time.  I hope you have found the comfort that you were so desperately seeking.

\"jason\"

Also Shannon posted this which I am grateful for because for a brief period I found comfort so thank you.

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Screw you pizza pizza!

Funny how filing a complaint with a company get you NO WHERE FAST…  Anyway after Saturday\’s incident I thought about it more and more and the more I thought about it the more it pissed me off! Even more so when I went to visit a few friends of mine and was discussing the events that had recently occurred and everyone said:\”Why didn\’t you call the cops or beat the snot out of him?\”
Here\’s why I didn\’t call the cops right away: For one thing I was HEAVILY intoxicated, and at the time even though it freaked me out I dismissed it like I usually do. Not only that its Saturday night and what are they going to take more seriously a more serious crime or some random person getting \”assaulted\” by the delivery man?
I didn\’t kick his face in because well I was smashed and my reflexes were at 0 along with my reaction time. I did however make a vow to myself that if he ever came back then I would nail his ass to the wall.

So after a lovely afternoon with my \”extended\” family I went home and there was a slew of private name/private number calls on my phone and a slew of hang-ups on my voicemail. So needless to say when my dentists hygienist called me to see how I was feeling after my surgery I was a little on edge but it was a 450 area code. I thought that was the sweetest thing ever! To call me on a Sunday when I know the clinic is closed to make sure I\’m OK, talk about service! So anyway the phone rings again and once again no ID, I generally don\’t as a rule pick up the phone but I had a feeling it was him…

I pick up, they hang up and low and behold about 10-15 mins later there\’s someone at my door! Now I damn well know that I wasn\’t expecting ANYONE because all of my friends/family have manners and not only call me before showing up, they actually talk when I answer the phone! I was sober and I was ready for that bastard! I\’ll spare you all the details but needless to say he tried to pull that stunt again and he ended up with a broken nose and they arrested him at the hospital because I called the police immediately after. I got away with self defense because that\’s EXACTLY what it was and he\’s been charged with: assault/trespassing and entering (as in entering a private residence un-invited) there\’s no such thing as a stalking law in Canada but given that this is the THIRD one I have had maybe we should change that?

So that\’s over with, I feel better now. Still a tad creeped out but meh, I\’ll go on with my life.  Next time I order take out from anywhere I will be sure to add under \”delivery instructions\”: Send a HOT pervy driver instead of an old one, k thanks.

Gave my new waterpik a spin, sucks because the water reservoir is at a rather small capacity because its the hand held model but it was interesting to use in any case. Takes a minute to get accustomed to just how this thing works but it sure is fun! Its like a hand held high pressure water gun lol. Maybe it will help save on my dental bills and if it does well $47.00 for a waterpik is a whole lot cheaper then a dental treatment that falls into the same vein and is about $500/per quadrant. Someone said I should get one of those nifty sonic care toothbrushes too but I\’ll wait and ask my dentist about that one. I mean really, who wants to spend that much money on a toothbrush? They retail from anywhere to $65-100.00 But again if it will keep me out of her office more often then I\’ll buy one!

Work today BLEW my mind!  Its getting busier and of course along with that comes a whole new breed of stupid people.  I ran out of patience today on several occasions!  Really I shouldn\’t be allowed to work with the public,  especially if I\’m in a bad mood like I was today!  Its gotten to the point that the minute someone walks in the door, I ignore them until the come up to the counter.  I am NOT a fucking waitress!  If one of my co-workers isn\’t around I am NOT going to kiss your ass and tell you what the deal is.

I will be rude and pretend that you don\’t exist until you make your presence known to ME first.  That\’s how it works at my job, its 85% self serve.  There\’s no official \”wait staff\” on hand to take your order.  You come to the counter, tell someone what you want and then we bring it to you.   Someone does a table check, then brings your dessert, THAT\’S it!  No I will not bring your fucking coffee, its right there!  Get it yourself!  When you mutter under your breath \”that\’s her job\” not only do I hear you, I also fight the urge to tell you to fuck off because you know what? ITS NOT MY FUCKING JOB!  I make your food, I am the executive Chef, not a waitress!   Bill? Yeah no we don\’t have those either, you pay at the cash.  Reason being is because servers get really shitty minimum wage/taxed on their tips and we get paid more then that.  Which is why we have no real serving staff on hand.  Don\’t know how it works? Then fucking well ask someone you doucetard! FUCK!

*end rant*