Category Archives: Life as I know it

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Pirates of the tattooed kind.

I have my right arm dedicated to a theme.  That theme being pirates.  I had a conversation with someone not too long ago about this and they simply ceased to get it.  That conversation went a little something like this:

Me: Pirates are cool, who doesn\’t like pirates?
Dan (in a snotty tone): Ugh I don\’t!
Me: Why not? What\’s wrong with pirates:
Snotty tone Dan: Ugh because like I grew up in Quebec like and like that\’s not a part of Quebec/French Canadian culture (you mean not a part of your household \’culture\’ douchebag?) so I was like never exposed to them.  Pirates are only cool these days because of Pirates of the Caribbean.
Me: Well OK then… I don\’t expect you to get it, but don\’t be so fucking judgmental Dan; it makes you look like a total ass bag.
Snotty tone Dan: Ugh well like whatever Steph! (sounding like a valley girl)

Then he goes onto tell me some story about a robot chicken episode where there\’s a pirate and he\’s smelly because he hasn\’t bathed in an eternity and has scurvy or some shit.

I honestly don\’t really know what he was saying because at one point I just started to tune his ass out because I couldn\’t stand his over use of the word like and sounding like a fucking valley girl.

His bottom line: Pirates aren\’t all that glamorous and shit.

I never said they were.  

My bottom line: I can\’t stand talking to the guy anyway.  This is why he\’ll never get laid (especially by me), he\’s obnoxiously  judgmental, whines constantly, makes the most ignorant statements ever and sounds and talks like a fucking valley girl!  Needless to say, we don\’t talk anymore.  I don\’t care how judgmental I sound, I WILL judge you for butchering the English language, it\’s sad that in today\’s day and age that using proper sentence structure and grammar and not sounding like an extra from Legally Blonde is actually hot…

Random Fact:  I\’ve never seen ANY of the pirates of the Caribbean movies.  In other words…  Johnny Depp and his hotness, let alone ANY of those movies had ZERO influence on my sleeve.  I wanted something to represent my niece and nephew.  I also LOVE skulls and Jolly Roger style flags and regardless of all the negative aspects of pirates, they are seriously bad-ass.  So on came the original plan: two pirate /Jolly Roger styled flags one girly, one more manly with the text : Death before Dishonour.  That was really all I wanted in the beginning and then Tim (my brilliant tattoo artist)  got right into it and so did I.  Thus my sleeve was born.

I had always intended to sleeve out my arm, I just wasn\’t sure how to incorporate an entire pirate theme into one sleeve.  Not as simple as it sounds.  The internet didn\’t yield much inspiration in that regard and it\’s essentially been a collaboration of Tim & I pulling idea\’s out of thin air and using reference material that other clients never ended up using.  Needless to say with my ship, the compass rose, the two flag, text and my new bad ass, sword wielding skeleton with a treasure chest, things are well under way!  I need to get a proper picture of the whole thing so I can show it off in all it\’s glory.

I don\’t give a shit if you don\’t like it.  It\’s MINE!  My tattoo designed by my tattoo artist and myself. It\’s pretty damn awesome and I love it!  😀

 

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Packing up my life and starting over.

So I\’ve been hoarding boxes from work.  I don\’t get near the sheer amount of deliveries I used to get when working in a restaurant so I\’ve been saving them up for a while.  My hearing with the regie de lodgement is on Friday (OMFG!) and I need to be prepared for that!  Thankfully a lot of it is essentially printing out letters and making sure I have copies of all the images/video that I need as well.  Have to go out today and get some blank CD\’s I think.

As much as I hate moving (I really, really do!) I hate packing, trying to find a moving company, a new apartment and all those things I am actually looking forward to it in a way.  I\’m proud of what I\’ve done with this place.  I left a lot of stuff behind when I moved from Ontario to Montreal and even more so when I split up with Jeff.  So moving in here was an accomplishment.  It\’s MINE and everything that\’s in it is also mine.  It\’s the first apartment I have ever gotten that\’s been truly on my own terms.  Just me, myself and I.  Only my name on the lease and no one Else\’s.

Everything in it also belongs to me.  Some of it was donated by a good friend who moved to another country (thanks Carly) and that was a huge help.  Regardless of what happens on Friday (I put in a request to kill my lease early) I\’ll still be moving out of here sooner as opposed to later.  As of July 1st I will have lived here for 3 long years and I have accumulated a lot of stuff in that time frame.  I\’ve outgrown this place and need to get out of here.  There\’s no storage, the neighbors upstairs are crazy and I could go on and on and on…  However I won\’t.

I will admit, I will kind of miss it here.  Not that much though, as this apartment has  turned into quite the problem child and just keeps getting worse.  So as much as I am dreading the actual aspect of moving, I\’m looking forward to moving on.  Hopefully to a bigger and better place that\’s got more storage and more of what I need!

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The dark side of hell…

I\’m stealing borrowing taking inspiration from someone I admire and respect.  Who wrote this on facebook:

\”I have come to the conclusion that over the past two years I have come into a bit of a problem: Me.
Its like a skipping record that never gets into the next groove. I lost my aunt, my wife and my grandma all in one year… who would not be …affected by these big life changes?
But guess what? Life goes on, and I need to participate. I need to be a part of. I am so much more than my work. I am Mr. B and I need to snap the hell out of this, right here, right now. [baby steps]
I am that guy who will come running if you need help… but what about Mr. B? How do I fix him?
Well, first off I do something really crazy, like get honest on facebook of all places. I come clean. I tell the truth, and the truth of the matter is I hurt and have been hurting for a very. long. time.
I feel a change is coming… starting this weekend.\”

That, well that was pretty ballsy.

Sadly I can relate.  I didn\’t loose my wife (don\’t have one of those).  My grandmother, well sadly she passed away a while ago (miss you nan!) and most of my aunts are still alive.  I did however loose something (s) very precious to me in the past two years: One of my closest friends to suicide none the less, have battled the war known as apartment hell, been taken for granted, lied to and walked all over by FAR too many people, lost a baby somewhere along the way and most recently Andrew Wilmer (also to suicide) who was a friend of mine from back in my early school years.  Only to find out that another one of my former classmates Peter Overton had also passed.  From an overdose back in 2009.

Bottom line: I give so much, yet I have lost so much more.  So to coin a phrase from Mr. B: \” The truth of the matter is, I hurt and I have been hurting for a very long time\”

I\’ve made it my own personal mission to help fix others and I\’ve actually succeeded a few times (GO ME!).  But what about me?  Who in the fuck is going to fix me?  Save me from this soul sucking depression that plaques me far more in the winter (thanks Montreal) likely due to having a case of SAD.  Lots of people don\’t own up to being depressed or unhappy because of the stigma attached to it.

\”Mental imbalance is about as acceptable as herpes. It’s never going to be accepted. But really, it’s a disease just like cancer. It just happens, and eats away all the good parts of your brain, like judgment and happiness and perception and memory and life. And you can die from depression just like any other disease. And it’s not as if people choose it. So why is it still a joke of medicine? \”She died of cancer\” is a lot more socially acceptable to people than “she committed suicide.” Why?\”

~ Sarahbeth Purcell

Not only that, the first thing people want to do is try and cheer you up or fix you.

Get a clue, I am NOT sad, unhappy or any of that shit.  I SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION.  Depression is an illness, NOT a state of mind.  I really loathe when people say they\’re feeling depressed when really they mean that they\’re just UN-happy or sad that day.

“We\’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy”

Sure.  Along with trust also comes a world of hurt the minute you are betrayed.

I am SO. SICK. AND. TIRED. of people telling me not to feel guilty, or whatever.  I feel the way that I feel for a reason, I am me and you are you and you are entitled to feel whatever way you want, as am I.  Saying things like that to me only serve to make feel alienated, even if you do have the best intentions ever.  I have to say, my OSIS training has served a rather awesome purpose and has given me a greater understanding about several things surrounding mental illness.

It\’s easy to say: Don\’t give up on hope\” \”There is one thing that never, ever dissapoints and that\’s hope\” and so on and so forth.  Sure sounds really nice, BUT when you\’re in what P & I have started referring to as \”the dark place\” hope doesn\’t exist and what mattered to you simply doesn\’t anymore.  When you wake up and your first thought is, I don\’t want to get out of bed and deal with this anymore, what\’s the point.  When what used to give you joy, no longer does, hope is no longer a part of your repertoire.

It\’s like when people say OMFG I just seen so and so less then 24 hours ago and they seemed so happy.  Of course they did, because they knew deep down that their suffering was soon to be over.  That\’s why.  I hate to sound crass, but that\’s the ugly truth.  We\’re all human, and can only take so much.  Think someone who commits suicide is a coward?  Think again.  Killing oneself isn\’t as simple as it sounds.  Everyone is born with the will to live and even if you\’re in a place so dark, where light ceases to exist, ending your life takes far more balls and courage then one would think.  Otherwise I would have been dead a long time ago.

There, I said it.  Take it for what you will.

How appropriate jumper just came on the radio.   How about that!

That being said, I am going to assume that I\’ll be OK when I\’m meant to be OK.  Just for the moment, I prefer to grieve alone and do my own thing.  I get up and go to work because I still need to live, no matter how dead I feel inside some days.

So no need to panic or freak out, I\’m just being honest for a change.

I hurt, in a lot of ways and there is nothing you can say or do to change that.

Don\’t bother to e-mail , text,PM  or call me.  I haven\’t opened my e-mail in days, my phone has been off for a reason.  Please respect that, I answer to no one and I don\’t intend to start now.

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