Category Archives: Life as I know it

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2010 review

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Most importantly I became a little more true to myself.  I also attended university, wrote a book, got my armpit tattooed and several other things that I\’m not going to list because I don\’t like to brag/look like an over achiever because I\’m not.  I LIKE being humble.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I haven’t bothered with them in years.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My best friend of 25+ years had an adorable baby boy!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

no

5. What countries did you visit?

How about provinces? I went to Ontario for Christmas.  Not a very exciting year in terms of travel.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Less drama and less BS.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

June 13th: The day my foundation was actually founded

November 18th: That\’s the day my book was officially introduced to the world.

November 30th: When I got my OSIS certification

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

It\’s a toss up between my book, my foundation or getting my OSIS certification with a day to spare before the deadline.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not paying attention to what I was doing at work one day which could have had dire consequences which thankfully it didn\’t.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I work in a daycare, illness is pretty much an everyday part of my life.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Copies of my book

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Jason\’s mom Julie.  My friend Heather.  Two very amazing woman!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Pete

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills, bills and more bills!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My tattoos! lol Also having some of my awesome friends come to visit me in Montreal.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Can’t say I have one particular song in mind.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Although I can’t totally recall how I felt this time last year I know due to circumstances that I am mostly happier, thinner and hands down a whole lot more poor too lol.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Made more time for myself.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

stretching myself too thin.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

I was in Ontario with my immediate family and it was awesome!  I had an exceptional Christmas this year!

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Possibly, still UN-decided on that

22. What was your favorite TV program?

I don\’t watch TV

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yes.

24. What was the best book you read?

I read so many good ones!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Haven’t made any of those…

26. What did you want and get?

My 1/4 sleeve turned into a half sleeve, the jacket I\’ve been drooling over at Danier woo hoo! Also my book to be published and my foundation started.

27. What did you want and not get?

Piece of mind from certain people, to be heard.  I know a lot of self centered people who really could care less about what goes on in my life, unless of course it has something to do with *them*

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Didn’t see enough movies to even garner a proper response for that one.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 32…  Went out and had a simple, yet fun evening!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

not being in debt and being back in school already!

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

ha ha this year was a bit of a transformation of sorts.  I’ve always been a jeans/t-shirt/hoodie girl.  I still am but I have gotten more “girly” attire and started wearing heels!  That’s a little crazy in itself!

32. What kept you sane?

Some of my friends, I honestly don’t know what I would have done without them this year!  I am so very fortunate to have such amazing people in my life!

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

That’s not my style, I could care less about that sort of thing.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The BP oil spill

35. Who did you miss?

Jason, my mom

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Pete

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

You don\’t know how strong you are until being strong is the only option that you have left.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I\’ve had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn\’t do

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Humbleness and vagueness

Strange how those two relate.  At least in my life.  I had a conversation with someone once about how they admired me for being so determined and not letting anything stand in the way of my dreams/goals/aspirations regardless of how UN-achievable they may seem.  I\’ve heard this a few times and I usually disregard it thinking that anyone can do whatever it is that I do that seems to leave people so awestruck.  Really.  You just have to put your mind to it and have a ton of demons from your past chasing you. the want to do something for the greater good, no matter how minor it may seem.

Or so I keep telling myself.

I\’m almost fascinated by the way people view me.  Because 95%  of what I \”allow\” people to see is fake.  I don\’t mean fake in a superficial kind of way, I mean fake in a \”fake it til you make it\” kind of fake.  Because I don\’t believe most of it.  I also know anyone who\’s reading this and has met me in real life thinks that I\’m full of it.

In reality, I\’m just that good at it.  As in faking it.

I have my reasons for this, most of which I don\’t willingly share with the world at large.  Mostly because I don\’t really care to be a drama Queen, that\’s not my style.  Nor am I an attention whore.  I am also sure as hell not one of those over achiever types either.  I don\’t actively seek out sympathy, although sometimes empathy is nice.  I\’m not the type of person who whores themselves out to social networking sites (IE twitter/facebook) because I need/want/crave these things.  I fucking despise people who update their statues to something that really should say one of the following:

OMGWTFBBQ MY LIFE IS OVER! OVER I TELL YOU *CRIES*

NO ONE LOVES ME, I\’M LONELY, OMFG LOOK AT WHAT I DID, I\’M SO AWESOME LULZ!

Which to me screams one of the following:

  • I\’m a pathetic looser who needs to reaffirmed time and time again (preferably 10x\’s a day) that someone loves me and I want everyone and their mother to see it too!
  • I need to brag about every single achievement I have ever accomplished because I have no self esteem and I need everyone to comment on what a great job I did and while I\’m at it, make everyone around me feel inferior/jealous/like shit or something.

I could totally go on, but I won\’t.  Now that\’s not to say that some people I know are legit and really did do something fantastic and totally have bragging rights.  Although I am sure that there is at least one person in everyone\’s circle of friends who is like that to some degree.

I\’m also sure that you really want to punch that person in the face too.

Even I have my moments where I can be a total dick and say stuff like \”I can top that\”.  It wasn\’t until someone said to me once: \”Steph, does everything have to be a competition?\” that I clued in just how much I was like my ex-husband in that regard and how truly irritating it really is.  I also realized that while I do work in a very ego driven industry, my ego is the result of over compensating to the fullest.  Because in reality, I\’m not an egotistical person, I\’m actually quite humble.  I\’m also really shy (hard to believe but it really is true) and the only time I feel the need to mention anything that I have done is because *I* can\’t wrap my head around the fact that I actually did it.

I\’ve done a lot with my life.  Especially lately.  While I\’m somewhat  meh about the whole thing now that they\’re said and done, it\’s also dawned on me that I could have and most likely did make quite a few people feel inferior along the way.  I know I\’ve made quite a few people stop and stare.  Which in turn makes me feel bad.  I know that it shouldn\’t to a degree.  Although people who are successful, especially women from what I have noticed tend to intimidate people, especially men.  While I freely admit and several other people say that I don\’t give myself enough credit, because I don\’t.  I wonder if people know the real reason, the true driving force behind why I do what I do?

I blame Garnet.  Garnet who trashed my self esteem and my self worth (among other things) 2 demons that I still (sadly) to this day go to battle with far more then I care to admit.  When you get told constantly for years that you\’ll never amount up to anything, you\’ll never be anything you start to believe it.  I\’ve taken a long hard look at myself as of late and have pretty much come to the conclusion that I\’m driven to succeed for all the wrong reasons.  I tell people it\’s because I can, and that is partially true; it\’s more so because I need something to believe in.

That something would be me.

I\’m notorious for saying that a million people in this world could believe in you and it doesn\’t mean a damn thing unless you believe in yourself.  I say this often I think in the subconscious hope that I\’ll start to believe it myself.

I\’m not putting myself out there and baring my soul because I *need* people to say that I\’m whatever.  *I* know what I\’ve done, I know what I\’ve accomplished and blah blah blah.    Because at the end of the day, no matter what I do I\’m still me.  I\’m nothing special, I\’m just Steph.  A person who prefers to be humble, detests drama in spite of how much of that shit has infected my life as of late.  I\’m also someone in dire need of a nap…  The one thing that stuck out of my brief stint in university was this acronym: HALT as in :Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.  Commonly used in AA, it also has a major effect on depression and one\’s general well being.  The only thing that applies to me at the moment is the \”T\”

When I\’m tired, which lately seems like All. The. Time.  I\’m impossible to deal with, hell I can\’t stand myself.  I\’m irrational, irritable and surprised that people can even stand me when I can\’t stand myself.

Because come on, who doesn\’t like a neurotic bitch?

Everything seems 100x\’s worse when you\’re (in my case at least) tired.  Then I go off on a tangent and am generally not a happy person.  Then all I want to do is bitch.  In other words, I really just want someone to listen.  Sometimes hugs are nice too.

I\’m not seeking advice, not looking to get someone sucked into my drama or anything like that.  There\’s something to be said about being heard, the beautiful thing about having someone listen without preamble, or interjecting with UN-welcome comments like:\”I\’m sure it\’s not as bad as your making it out to be\” and things like that.  Because really, how would you know?  The one thing I learned in my course was, for example someone loosing their job could be as tragic as someone else loosing their child.  So if they were to seek out help from me, regardless of how minor it my seem to me (or anyone else) it could be a really big freaking deal to them.

So yes, while I can be vague at times, that\’s generally a huge reason why.  I\’m not one to turn up the drama.  When everything feels like a total train wreck and I feel like a drama queen, that makes me get even more bent out of shape.  Yet I don\’t like to discuss it because I really don\’t care to be disregarded.  I named my foundation:(I\’m) Not Afraid Of Your Pain for a reason and when someone says to me \”Steph, I\’m not afraid of your pain\” and says something like that to me (as in I\’m sure it\’s not as bad as your making it out to be); I\’m not all the inclined to \”open up\” to them about anything.  Because while in the grand scheme of things it\’s more manageable in their eyes then it is in my own, when you\’re tired and cranky you have a really hard time looking at the bright side of things.  Let alone being all zen like or optimistic.

So vagueness is almost like my second defensive mechanism these days.  I\’d rather keep my thoughts to myself regardless of how bad they can get at times then to be written off as a drama queen.  Not only that, some things are best to be discussed in a certain manner. I hate waiting/not knowing as much as the next person.  However, sometimes, especially through UN-conventional means such as text messages/e-mail situations can become horribly misconstrued and that in turn can make the situation worse.  Especially when you think it\’s one of the few rare people in your life that you actually thought gave a damn.

Until you find out differently.

Then you have the audacity to wonder why I\’m vague?  Humble?

Please do yourself a favor and look in the mirror.

OK that\’s a tad harsh on one level.  Although sometimes I would love to say that to some people.  I don\’t, because I\’m polite most of the time.

Anyway the bottom line is this: I will always be surprised by how some people manage to suck at everything they do and seem to be born to lose. And by how other people, perfectly normal individuals, manage to always land on their feet and be perpetual winners, against their own limits and against any enemy.
We are the ones who set most of our limits, and we are the only ones who can push them and break them!

So that being said, that\’s why I\’m humble.  I don\’t need to brag about my achievements in order to feel good about myself.  I hate being the center of attention and while yes I have accomplished a lot has anyone noticed that it hasn\’t exactly gone anywhere?  The novelty tends to wear off and then something happens like I get bored or my life circumstances change.  I\’ve started a lot of things and abandoned them or just let them slide.

It\’s not as if I\’m successful, I\’m not rich, nor famous.  I\’m just a girl who\’s always been different and knows the harsh reality of being different and just trying to figure out exactly where I belong.

Because honestly…

I\’m not sure.

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A note to my 16 year old self…

I\’ve read several, rather poignant blog posts by people who wrote letters to the sixteen year old selves.  Kind of brings to mind: If I knew then, what I know now, right?

Well I thought about this long and hard and what, given the opportunity, I would say to myself back then.

A lot of people reflected upon a lot of things.  Relationships and their overall appearance taking the top two places.

My past is somewhat sketchy, full of a lot of turmoil, angst, sex, drugs, alcohol and a ton of other things that gave my mother gray hair, a friend of mine a reason to say I told you so and lots of other people to reflect that they didn\’t know and had they known they would have done something.  Except there\’s a reason they didn\’t know.

I chose not to tell them.

Very much like I\’m choosing not to tell you or anyone else now either at this moment.

Why?

Because it makes people in my life and even the ones who are not, emotionally unstable.  It brings forth pity, sympathy, looks of shock and wide eyed horror among other things.  I don\’t need that, certainly don\’t want it and neither do you.

Although…

As I reflect upon my life which is something I\’ve been doing a lot of lately; I do wonder what life would have been like had I taken a different route, not dated the same boy for seven years of my life that were the most crucial of my growing up (15-22), not met some of the people I have and done some of the things that I have done.  What if I had gone right instead of left or vice versa?

Not that I did either of those things, I took an ATV and created my own path.

So I wonder to myself, what if I had taken a different path?  Would I be the same person that I am now?  What would I have been like had I gone a different way?  I\’ll never know, what I do know now however is that if I was to meet my 16 year old self now at the age of 32 I would tell myself this:

  • You\’re going to fuck up a lot and drive your mother insane with having to save your ass.  She will however because she loves you and someday you will appreciate that in a way you can\’t grasp now and she\’ll be your best-est friend, your biggest ally and be really, really proud of the person you\’re going to become.
  • Your stubborn, ornery ways will eventually pay off.
  • Everything happens for a reason, so live it up, make mistakes (you will learn from them), take really ridiculous chances and love every damn minute of it.  They\’re the best years of your life, but the really good stuff is yet to come!
  • Everything that you\’re about to go through will be worth it, someday.
  • Your going to accomplish some really, truly amazing things that are going to blow your own mind and everyone Else\’s too while you\’re at it.

A lot of people ask me if I have any regrets or if I could do it all over again would I?

You know what?

I wouldn\’t change a damn thing.

Sounds insane to the people who know me, but in retrospect it got me to the here and now.  17 years later after all of the shit I\’ve been through I\’m proud of the person I am, I love me for who I am and I accept me for who I am because:

That\’s who I am supposed to be.

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Home reno\’s suck balls!

Seems like just about everyone I know is doing some sort of home reno work.

Now don\’t get me wrong, there\’s always that awesome sense of accomplishment that comes with doing something yourself.  I\’m also VERY stubborn!  Also picky.  Very. Picky.

I like things to be done my way OK?

OK for real though, my slumlord landlord is a douchebag.  The property manager is nice, but up to her armpits in buildings and tends to get sidetracked.

A lot.

So needless to say, if I can fix it myself.  I do.

Because it\’s easier for me to just knock the price off my rent and send her in the receipts for minor repairs.  So when I first moved in here, there was some minor (or at least appeared to be) water damage to my hallway ceiling.  Of course she said she would get someone in to fix it.  Hell even the \”handyman\” said he would come in and fix it for me.  Mind you this was after waiting 3 weeks for the installation of my new water heater oh and 6 months of having almost NO heat!

So I got sick of the yellow hall/kitchen area and decided to paint.  Painters tape is your friend.  Except for mine, because well hell that would be easy and make sense.  So in spite of my using one of those nifty painting tools that pretty much ensures that you WON\’T get paint on your ceiling, molding, whatever and gives you a nice clean line…  My almost 6 feet tall, impatient over zealous self almost ALWAYS hits the freaking ceiling with paint.

Of course my ceiling is apartment white and the color on the walls?  A nice dark mocha color.  So while I did make a valiant effort to clean the shit off, my mess off the ceiling, it would seem that I missed a spot and likely stopped giving a shit  got sidetracked thought awe hell I can paint over that.  Which I totally can, although that would mean taking care of the peeling ceiling in the middle of the hall.

Do. Not. Want.

So I let it go, much to my OCD\’s dismay.  Pete even offered to fix it for me, I blew him off by saying that I wasn\’t sinking anymore money/time/effort into this place when it\’s my landlords problem to have this shit fixed.  Not mine. Except I of course was not satisfied with the shade of my accent wall/ceiling color variation.  I wanted it to be much lighter.  I thought well, the hallway isn\’t that long and I hate the paint on the ceiling because it looks like crap!

So I thought I would tackle this project by myself.

That was a huge mistake.

You see, last summer when I was dating John he came over beofre I got home and sent me a text to inform me that there was a flood in my hallway.

Awesome.

Which made it even worse.  It\’s blatantly obvious to me that upon close inspection this wasn\’t the first time that this has happened.  So Sunday night I got the bright idea to fix it myself.  Because I was sick of it, and the property manager told me that it was OK to tackle minor repair projects on my own.  Actually I think she prefers it because she knows it\’s just the cost of the materials and nothing else.

What I thought was going to be a simple patch job, has turned into an epic nightmare!  You see, the water damage has made the sub flooring above (I live in the sub basement) and my ceiling very soft.  Not soft enough to shove my finger into my neighbors bathroom above, although I fear that someday it\’s going to leak again and their tub\’s going to land in my hallway.  So I have stripped away the previous crap that lay beneath and have slowly layered up the plaster and it\’s mostly even.  Far from perfect but hell in order to make that sucker straight the cost would be exponential and you know what?

I don\’t own the place, so I don\’t care!

Plastering was easy, I have it down to a partial science now.  One that requires minimal sanding when finished.  Usually.  Except this time, I didn\’t factor in air bubbles.  Usually my patch jobs are small holes and minor things.  While this isn\’t huge by any means it was still a lot of freaking work!  I have minimal tools to get the job done so long story short, after layering on an ass-load of plaster I sanded the ceiling down by hand.

I was covered from head to toe in dust!  It looked like a 50lb bag of flour have exploded all over me and my hall.  Lesson to be learned here:

Drop cloths are not only your friends, they cover all your shit oh and the un-bleached canvas ones make great fabric to reupholster your sofa with!