Category Archives: That’s classy!

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Tampons, condoms & vibrators (at the dollar store) a touching story.

Deep thoughts with Steph part 309

So I seen (via a friends twitter feed) a great blog post.  Now I trust Tracey\’s instincts when it comes to humor, because she\’s one funny lady.  So when she posted a link to this blog story I thought instead of posting some of the ones I had to share in the comments section, I thought \”hey I have my own blog, so what not write my own?\”  So here I are 🙂

I can relate to tampon related issues, after all I am a woman.  Yeah, yeah I know TMI, but whatever.

I have a uterus, therefore I bleed.  Deal.

Anyway, I got my period and my massive boobs early in life.  I didn\’t need guidance from my mom, I read Judy Blume.  You know books like: Are you there God? It\’s me Margaret.  My sister who is older then me had already started at this point (sorry Sandra) so I would just use her pads.  OMFG pads sucked balls.  Don\’t give me this ultra thin non-sense, I swear to God it was like wearing a mini mattress between your legs!  Then I discovered tampons.

At first I wasn\’t entirely sure what they were for, then I got a clue so I thought I would you know \”practice\”.  I\’m pretty sure that\’s how I really lost my virginity.  Well at the very least broke my hymen for real.  The whole sex thing came later, I\’ll save that story for another day.  So yanking that sucker out, well sucked since I wasn\’t on my actual period.  However that really isn\’t the point to this post, more so in relation to other things.

Working with a bunch of women, period talk is just about damn near inevitable when you think about it.  So one of my co-workers (from my old job) shared this particular story with me  and even thinking about it now still makes me laugh to no end!   She\’s from Brazil, so her first language was neither English or French (I live in Quebec so this applies).  She was in need of a pad and no one had one so another co-worker gave her a tampon.  Poor woman had no clue what it was, so said co-worker tried to explain it to her.

Except she got it wrong.  Dead wrong.

First she put it in with the wrapper still on.

Then after having some major discomfort (no doubt!) took the plastic off, but left the applicator on.

Still couldn\’t figure out why it didn\’t \”feel\” right, only to realize that no, the applicator is not meant to be \”left behind\”.

OK maybe some of you won\’t find that funny, had to be there I guess…

On Condoms & tampons…

One day I was at Pharmaprix (or shoppers drug mart for you non QC residents) buying some personal items such as tampons and Trojan magnum condoms for an uptight friend (seriously, it really was for a friend.  All the guys I know who wear them hate buying them) anyway I am the kind of person who will not only make fun of you in the condom aisle, I\’ll also buy them for you because your pansy ass is too embarrassed or whatever.

I mean seriously hello, think about how awesome that makes me look?

Anyway I get in line and this couple who was considerably younger then I was who were standing behind me snickering the whole time at my purchases.  Tampons, maybe some bikini wax and of course a box of Trojan magnums which looks like this in case you didn\’t already know:\"\"Not exactly discreet if you know what I mean.  So anyway I glanced back behind me and the guy who was snickering and pointing at my crap on the counter was Asian of some sort. (beware slightly racist comment to follow)  It\’s a well know stereotype that Asian guys aren\’t \”well endowed\” now I don\’t know this to be fact of course.  After all it IS just a stereotype right?  So forgive me if that just offended anyone.  Anyway moving along…

I glanced behind me once again, looked the guy straight in the eye and said what?  Are you jealous?

Well, the look on his face was PRICELESS!  So was the Cashiers, she was laughing so hard!

That snotty brat had nothing to say about that 😉

On Condoms and tampons:

Eons ago (I was maybe 15 or 16 at the time) you know back in the dark ages.  I had a bet with my then boyfriend that he wouldn\’t have the balls to buy me tampons.  To which he retorted \”Well IF I buy you tampons, then you have to buy the condoms!\” I accepted this challenge and living in a smaller city, our shoppers drug mart wasn\’t that big so the tampons and condoms were in the same aisle/area.  I gave him what I wanted and grabbed the box of condoms and we were both off and running to the cashier looking rather triumphant that we had both completed this task.  Of course the cashier looked at us like we were on crack but looking back on it, it was pretty damn funny!

Dollar store vibrators:

Yesterday I was out with my friend \”LA\” and she was in need of a few items for her hot date and I was just browsing.  I do love the dollar store and I have always maintained that you can find anything there.  So while in the aisle that has your usual assortment of \”Health & Beauty\” products I spotted a \”personal, hand held back massager\” that  looks similar to this (for the sake of argument):

\"\"

So I jokingly said to LA:\”Ohhhhhhhh look a vibrator! You really can buy everything at the dollar store!\”  She looks at me like I grew a second head and says to me and I quote:\” Now Steph, that\’s NOT A VIBRATOR its a back massager.  You use it to massage your back, nothing else\” Or something like that…

I beg to differ, seeing as how I have an online store that carries these \”alleged\” so called, personal massagers…  The way I see it, if it takes batteries and it vibrates then its a vibrator.  Not necessarily a good one, but hey even welfarians need sex toys too you know!

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OMGWTFBBQ!

Jesus Christ can I ever get a break? Having to divulge my \”dirty laundry\” to my boss was one thing (more on that in a minute) discovering I have allergies from hell? That\’s taking it to a whole NEW kind of low. I rarely have allergic reactions to anything. My sister is deathly allergic to bee\’s, to the point that she has to carry an epi pen. Let me tell you, the thought of stabbing myself in the thigh with anything, much less a needle holds 0 appeal. In any case I pretty much know when I have an allergic reaction coming on and what things to avoid now. Such as this which sucks balls because Tiramisu is my favorite thing of all time!  In spite of the fact from eating that particular brand I almost died.  Brought on by Anaphylactic shock .  Me being rather ignorant about food allergies at the time, didn\’t realize how foolhardy I was being.  So lucky me I am not only blessed with asthma but anaphylaxis too.

So enter Sunday, had plans with him to do stuff and as soon as I got out of the shower, I felt my ears and neck start to burn and itch (first sign of a reaction for me) as soon as I got into my room and I couldn\’t for the life of me figure out why.   While I know allergies can creep up out of no-where, especially in the event that you introduce yourself to something new.  However nothing was \”new\” the food I had consumed that day were old favorites of mine, the shower items I used were also favorites of mine.   It wasn\’t until I was waiting for him to come pick me up that I knew I was going into mild anapylatic shock from something.  I was eating ice cream & watching TV when the back of my throat started to itch and swell.  Not in a OMFGIMGOINGTOSTOPBREATHINGANYSECOND now kind of way, more so in a dammit I\’ve been down this road before and I was hoping not to return kind of way.

So I took one of his allergy pills \”just in case\”, told him what was going on and made sure I had my health care card on my person as well.  I didn\’t feel right, but I thought it, whatever it was, would pass.  I was wrong, dead wrong!

The following day when I woke up, I was about 5 mins away from work and all of a sudden, that God awful feeling came back.  Then the hives came, OMFG I HATE HIVES!  Polite society doesn\’t deem it appropriate to scratch your ass in public and let me tell you, that huge hive on my left butt cheek was begging for attention.  Yeah I know scratching them only makes them worse.  Thankfully these seem to be pretty localized to a few hidden locations.  Unlike the last time when those suckers sprouted up all over my entire body.  You\’ve never experienced hives to the fullest extent until you have them between your toes, in your mouth and well every nook, cranky & crevice you body has to offer.

So I\’ve been breaking out at random now.  On the way to work, taking the metro to and from work (only during certain times of the day mind you) so the variables are rather huge.  I did a spot test on the inside of my elbow for the perfume I\’ve been wearing and my laundry soap as well to rule them out and so far so good.  So now to rule out a few other things, although I think its environmental.  Mostly because it comes on and out, out of no-where!  So its either seasonal or my cats are the culprits.  Either of which would suck since allergy meds make me pretty damn drowsy.  I want to sleep. Right. Now. kinda drowsy so I can\’t take them in the \”real world\” and expect to function normally.

Could be stress…

Continue reading →

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So i\’m really

not so down with the sickness.  As a matter of fact, I hate being sick period.   So. Damn. Much.

I\’m one of those stubborn pain in the ass types who will still cook you dinner in spite of the fact that I\’m vomiting.  Yeah for real, that was last weekends lovely gastro incident.  I just couldn\’t give in.
Being sick makes me want to crawl into a whole and die, want my mommy, wonder how dare germs even think its OK to invade my body.
You see I was blessed with bronchial asthma.  So while most people will only get the common cold, mine travels south and takes up all the precious space in my lungs.  Its like a free-loading house guest that has over-stayed their welcome and refuses to leave.

I also hate being one of those people who runs to the doctor every time they have a runny nose.  So I generally suck it up and spend copious amounts of my precious hard earned money on OTC pills that I damn well know I\’m not supposed to take.
Oops my bad!
I still do it anyway because I need to work & I can not work around food while coughing up gobs of goo from anywhere in my body. Although this time around was quite the learning experience! Did you know that snot also comes in orange? This was news to me, believe it though. I seen it, it came out of my own nose.

Most of that crap has Dextromethorphan in it.  Asthmatics and people with various other diseases aren\’t allowed to have anything with DM in it because it gives you a false sense of wellness while its really hardening the goo inside your lungs.  I know, awesome right? Coughing to the point where you vomit is even more awesome, trust me on this.
So there I am thinking that I was finally starting to get over this abundance of crap & out of no where my sinus infection made a not so triumphant return. I was a little bitter needless to say.

So like every other damn time I get a cold, I get deathly ill.  Awesome coughing spasms that made him & my mom cringe.  After being damn near nagged to death several suggestions from concerned individuals to go see a Dr. which I relentlessly refused to do.  I caved.  Mostly because I promised him that if it got worse, I would in fact go see a Dr.  Because my Dr. Lambert\’s cough syrup just wasn\’t cutting it (also not nearly as effective as an inhaler according to him).  Well it was to a degree, because after two days even though I was coughing non stop, the phlegm was coming up with the force of a freight train on speed.

So was my dinner.

However on Easter Monday after having to bail not only on him (twice), but my friend Jen as well I said fuck it and went to the clinic.  Mostly because when I woke up that morning my sinuses were blocked like no one\’s business & when I made a lame attempt to breathe through my mouth I sounded like a coffee maker when its almost finished brewing.  Yeah I know, healthy isn\’t it?  That was a little disconcerting.  So after waiting three hours to see a Dr. for all of oh I dunno maybe 7 minutes I scored some heavy duty antibiotics & much to my chagrin a damn inhaler.

I must say that my 10 pills for the price of $30.00 dollars (co-pay) have started to work their magic.  The infection itself is gone & I now have the energy to dance around my living room in my underwear work, do some housework and you know function.   Ah but this inhaler and I are going to be BFF\’s for the next month.

FUN!

The infection may be gone, the inflammation however is sticking it out.  This inhaler scares me.  I was told by Dr. Converse there (he was wearing Chuck Taylor\’s, I respect that) that failure to rinse out my mouth after using this inhaler would lead to tongue fungus.   AKA Thrush or  even better: a yeast infection in your mouth. That sounds about as much fun as having one between my legs.  Although it just sounds so much sexier don\’t you think?  Mmmmmm  I can see it now: \” What do you mean you don\’t want to kiss me?  It was you who suggested I get an inhaler honey.\”  That\’s a total turn on right there!

At least this Dr. didn\’t have a \”sweater\” and sitting in the clinic for three hours wasn\’t nearly as amusing as sitting in the ER with Carly Cakes    for at least 8 hours after pulling a muscle from coughing so hard.  That time was even better, I was sporting a mask listening to her say wait for it, no, no, wait for it and then bust out singing the chorus to easy lover, dancing in the chair while we ate crap out of the vending machine out of sheer boredom, as I tried not to cough to death from laughing so hard.  At least she makes being sick fun & she brought me Arahova\’s (from the WI location, one of our favorite places) and that\’s one of the many reasons why I love her & miss her so! <3

I attacked my apt. with gusto using Lysol wipes, and other disinfectant things to kill the germs.  Now that I finally get to see him again, I just might spray his ass down with Lysol as well.

Just in case 😉

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There are NO words…

Instead of posting a total downer post (ta da!) here\’s some useless, although highly amusing (to some) links.

Enjoy 😉

Natural harvest (hmm, wonder if I should add this to my recipe book collection?)

Puby panties? (not entirely safe for work or children) Who designs this stuff?  Seriously!

A killer top ten thanks to Twwly!

The most random lawsuit ever!

That\’s quite the er tramp stamp you got there…