Tampons, condoms & vibrators (at the dollar store) a touching story.

Deep thoughts with Steph part 309

So I seen (via a friends twitter feed) a great blog post.  Now I trust Tracey\’s instincts when it comes to humor, because she\’s one funny lady.  So when she posted a link to this blog story I thought instead of posting some of the ones I had to share in the comments section, I thought \”hey I have my own blog, so what not write my own?\”  So here I are 🙂

I can relate to tampon related issues, after all I am a woman.  Yeah, yeah I know TMI, but whatever.

I have a uterus, therefore I bleed.  Deal.

Anyway, I got my period and my massive boobs early in life.  I didn\’t need guidance from my mom, I read Judy Blume.  You know books like: Are you there God? It\’s me Margaret.  My sister who is older then me had already started at this point (sorry Sandra) so I would just use her pads.  OMFG pads sucked balls.  Don\’t give me this ultra thin non-sense, I swear to God it was like wearing a mini mattress between your legs!  Then I discovered tampons.

At first I wasn\’t entirely sure what they were for, then I got a clue so I thought I would you know \”practice\”.  I\’m pretty sure that\’s how I really lost my virginity.  Well at the very least broke my hymen for real.  The whole sex thing came later, I\’ll save that story for another day.  So yanking that sucker out, well sucked since I wasn\’t on my actual period.  However that really isn\’t the point to this post, more so in relation to other things.

Working with a bunch of women, period talk is just about damn near inevitable when you think about it.  So one of my co-workers (from my old job) shared this particular story with me  and even thinking about it now still makes me laugh to no end!   She\’s from Brazil, so her first language was neither English or French (I live in Quebec so this applies).  She was in need of a pad and no one had one so another co-worker gave her a tampon.  Poor woman had no clue what it was, so said co-worker tried to explain it to her.

Except she got it wrong.  Dead wrong.

First she put it in with the wrapper still on.

Then after having some major discomfort (no doubt!) took the plastic off, but left the applicator on.

Still couldn\’t figure out why it didn\’t \”feel\” right, only to realize that no, the applicator is not meant to be \”left behind\”.

OK maybe some of you won\’t find that funny, had to be there I guess…

On Condoms & tampons…

One day I was at Pharmaprix (or shoppers drug mart for you non QC residents) buying some personal items such as tampons and Trojan magnum condoms for an uptight friend (seriously, it really was for a friend.  All the guys I know who wear them hate buying them) anyway I am the kind of person who will not only make fun of you in the condom aisle, I\’ll also buy them for you because your pansy ass is too embarrassed or whatever.

I mean seriously hello, think about how awesome that makes me look?

Anyway I get in line and this couple who was considerably younger then I was who were standing behind me snickering the whole time at my purchases.  Tampons, maybe some bikini wax and of course a box of Trojan magnums which looks like this in case you didn\’t already know:\"\"Not exactly discreet if you know what I mean.  So anyway I glanced back behind me and the guy who was snickering and pointing at my crap on the counter was Asian of some sort. (beware slightly racist comment to follow)  It\’s a well know stereotype that Asian guys aren\’t \”well endowed\” now I don\’t know this to be fact of course.  After all it IS just a stereotype right?  So forgive me if that just offended anyone.  Anyway moving along…

I glanced behind me once again, looked the guy straight in the eye and said what?  Are you jealous?

Well, the look on his face was PRICELESS!  So was the Cashiers, she was laughing so hard!

That snotty brat had nothing to say about that 😉

On Condoms and tampons:

Eons ago (I was maybe 15 or 16 at the time) you know back in the dark ages.  I had a bet with my then boyfriend that he wouldn\’t have the balls to buy me tampons.  To which he retorted \”Well IF I buy you tampons, then you have to buy the condoms!\” I accepted this challenge and living in a smaller city, our shoppers drug mart wasn\’t that big so the tampons and condoms were in the same aisle/area.  I gave him what I wanted and grabbed the box of condoms and we were both off and running to the cashier looking rather triumphant that we had both completed this task.  Of course the cashier looked at us like we were on crack but looking back on it, it was pretty damn funny!

Dollar store vibrators:

Yesterday I was out with my friend \”LA\” and she was in need of a few items for her hot date and I was just browsing.  I do love the dollar store and I have always maintained that you can find anything there.  So while in the aisle that has your usual assortment of \”Health & Beauty\” products I spotted a \”personal, hand held back massager\” that  looks similar to this (for the sake of argument):

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So I jokingly said to LA:\”Ohhhhhhhh look a vibrator! You really can buy everything at the dollar store!\”  She looks at me like I grew a second head and says to me and I quote:\” Now Steph, that\’s NOT A VIBRATOR its a back massager.  You use it to massage your back, nothing else\” Or something like that…

I beg to differ, seeing as how I have an online store that carries these \”alleged\” so called, personal massagers…  The way I see it, if it takes batteries and it vibrates then its a vibrator.  Not necessarily a good one, but hey even welfarians need sex toys too you know!

Pre-wedding hilarioty

OK so my lovely friend Jen has finally caved is finally getting married!  By finally, I mean if you ever met these two you would throw up in your mouth a little at how truly awesome they are together and after years of convincing, nagging and pleading (that was mostly me) with Jen, she finally decided that life was too damn short (because it is) and finally said YES!  I am certain that I wasn\’t the only one who said its about damn time!

Here\’s le happy couple:

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Yeah Clint never smiles, seriously never.  I have however seen the guy laugh so its not all lost right?  Anyway Jen has some major health issues and while planning this wedding, any thoughts of a wedding shower/bacholorette party somewhat got flung to the wayside because we were all far too busy being worried sick about her and stuff.

So in the end we decided we were taking her out for dinner, then as her cousin Corina said dessert.

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Clint\’s comment was my favorite 😉

Dinner was FUN, our server must have thought we were on crack or something because strange things happen when you put 11 woman together in one place.  99% of them not being prudish…  No impromptu bacholorette party is complete without a blinking penis pacifier and these which ours were clear and may I add, not the best thing to be drinking daiquiris out of either…  I didn\’t realize our server was behind me as I was jamming my fork into the tip of this thing and when Corina asked me what the hell I was doing, I promptly replied:\” The hole is too damn small and no matter how hard I suck on the damn thing, nothing\’s coming out of it.\” Then Alex said to me, well that could be taken out of context in a number of ways.  He was fun, our neighboring tables, not so much…

Of course pictures to capture moments of sheer debauchery at best 🙂

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After dinner wrapped up, we headed off to club 281 for dessert as Corina stated or more so I\’m thinking a killer headache and a slight waste of money.  Although it did have its moments I must say.  Since its May and spring and summer weddings are hugely popular there was several bacholorette parties in the works that evening.  Upon our arrival Jen\’s look of horror as to where we were taking her was priceless!  Then things didn\’t get much better when some random dude tried to get in with us.  WTF?  Men are allowed in, pending they have a woman to accompany them.

This guy obviously didn\’t have one and tried to hone in on our party.  I told security at the front that he wasn\’t with us and glared at the French tard that tried to con a way in.  Needless to say, he got kicked out before he even got in the door.  Having never set foot in the place prior to last night, I didn\’t know what the whole deal was.  Coat check girl (Marie-Piere)  was a total, epic bitch.  Yeah obviously your pissy about the gaggle of screaming 20-somethings in their stilettos and tiara\’s but no need to be such a twat because you can\’t ogle over naked men.  Cos honey let me tell you, you ain\’t missing much.    We got there somewhat late so the place was already packed and our seating arrangement was less then ideal to say the least.  Here\’s a picture jacked from 281\’s facebook page just to illustrate how sucky it truly was:

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We were in the upper level off to the far side, couldn\’t really see much from that point of view.  Not to mention all the stupid bitches that kept standing in our way.  To add insult to injury, we were directly positioned in front of the spotlights that were pretty much blinding 90% of the time and in order to keep your seat your required to buy at least one beverage, alcoholic or not.  WTF, their prices BLEW my freaking mind!  I know bars aren\’t cheap but 6 bucks for a 250ml bottle of fancy water?  Yeah I know…  Here\’s their price list if you think I\’m exaggerating a little.

Speaking of which, our server was MIA and trying to track him down to pay our bill was a chore in and of itself!  We could have totally pulled a drink n dash but were honest people and paid up.  Hardly worth it, seeing as how it cost so damn much.  Anyhow all was not totally lost…  Seeing as how it was a bacholorette party and all, well a lap/table dance is pretty much mandatory right?  The look on Jen\’s face was EPIC to say the least!  Too bad camera\’s weren\’t allowed because that was a Kodak moment and then some.  So here\’s the guy that Corina being the good cousin she is picked out for Jen:

\"\"In case you haven\’t had enough, here\’s another one 😉

\"\"Jen was dumbfounded and speechless for the most part.  Although she did comment on how nice his tattoo was, and when it got to the point that he pretty much looked like this:

\"\"her facial expression wasn\’t nearly as joyful as the woman in the picture!  She looked so totally grossed out I thought she was going to vomit and to top it off, when he started flashing his ass in her face and smacked it hard enough to make quite the amount of noise she jumped half a foot out of her chair!  Jen\’s mom had her face buried in my arm, Corina and I were debating if we could get away with the whole \”no touching the dancers rule\” is we just smacked his ass with the whip and everyone else seemed to look away.  I mean really, way to suck the fun out of that ladies!

So to their credit, they do make an effort to put on a decent show, which is considerably better then Huggies, which might be closed now for all I know.  I\’m not into the whole strip club scene, having only visited one previously in my hometown I thought I would at least make an effort to keep an open mind.  I guess full on nudity is an option because I along with my guests seen a whole lot of pretty boys running around topless and flashing their butt cheeks but only 2-possibly three of them actually bared it all.  I might go again, I think my mom would get a kick out of it.  I am however going to go on a Thursday when the admission is lower, and earlier so I don\’t get a migraine and a sore neck from trying to get my money\’s worth 😉  Besides I\’d rather see him naked, its a whole lot more appealing, well to me at least!

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There are NO words…

Instead of posting a total downer post (ta da!) here\’s some useless, although highly amusing (to some) links.

Enjoy 😉

Natural harvest (hmm, wonder if I should add this to my recipe book collection?)

Puby panties? (not entirely safe for work or children) Who designs this stuff?  Seriously!

A killer top ten thanks to Twwly!

The most random lawsuit ever!

That\’s quite the er tramp stamp you got there…

Come again? Tales of woe, drama and useless junk…

You know, my life is epic.  Truly, there\’s never a dull moment and when there is I tend to cherish them.  Kind of like good people in my life…  Someone said to me the other day:\”Is every guy you know (or been involved with, something to that effect) an ass?\” To which I simply replied it would seem like that wouldn\’t it?  Except he\’s not (YAY, well at least not yet).  Oddly enough I got to thinking to myself would I appreciate him for who he is nearly as much as I do had I not encountered such douche-baggery through the years?  Likely not, but who am I to say?  Everything does happen for a reason does it not?  OH yeah speaking of douche-bags, I just about damn near lost it yesterday when I turned my phone back on after trekking all across Montreal yesterday afternoon to find my text message in-box flooded with messages from Micheal.  Micheal who has his own tag on my blog (mostly because he\’s the only person I know who uses the word wow so much) and he\’s also the guy who stood me up and pissed me right. the. fuck. off.Gives me the weakest reasoning behind why I haven\’t heard from him in two months, yes that\’s right TWO months.  That was the biggest insult of all!  Honestly, I wasn\’t born yesterday, please don\’t insult my intelligence like that!

I call bullshit, because really, I have several e-mail accounts (don\’t ask I just do) and he has the two that I generally utilize the most.  So did he leave his laptop with said person who had his phone too?  I have a really hard time believing that.  You see he\’s been dropping in and out of my life like a damn yo-yo.  I finally put my foot down and said this is it, you pull some stunt like that again and your done.  I know people are busy, we ALL have lives.  blah blah blah…  However after such a long period of time why bother?  It was made quite clear to me that apologizing wasn\’t his intention(he even went as far to say that there was no apology in his message(s) to me), yet he felt \”I had the right to know & what I\’m(meaning me) thinking isn\’t true\”.  So obviously he still cares.  Awe how sweet, guess what?  I DON\’T.  As in care.  Regardless of whether your sorry or not, its too late to apologize anyway.  You won\’t ever have the best of me.  I have chosen to move on.  I made a promise to myself and anyone who truly knows me, knows that I don\’t make promises that I have no intentions of keeping. NEXT!

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