Category Archives: Epic FAIL!

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Busted!

Looks like I just nailed your judgmental ass to the wall now didn\’t I?

Guys think they\’re so slick and oh-so-clever sometimes, I got news for you honey…

You\’re anything but!  

I\’ve worked in the food industry for two decades.  15 of those years have been spent in restaurants where more often then not, I\’m the ONLY woman who has the balls to work the line.  It\’s not an easy industry to be in and even more complicated if you\’re a woman.  In any case, you really get to know a lot about men. Mostly just how full of shit they really are.

So earlier I was talking to some random dude and he asked for a picture, which is fine.  I have a few and most of them *do* have other people in them.  I\’m not going to be one of those douchebags who takes pictures of themselves in a fucking mirror with their God-Damn phone!  So get over it and move on with your life.  I have nothing to hide, it\’s not as if I weigh 350lbs and even if I did…

WHO GIVES A SHIT!

Most guys however do.  So I hear a lot of: Do you have other pictures of yourself, you know one\’s without furniture, or another person, a full length picture of yourself yada yada yada…  Which all basically sums up to one thing: Want to see how much you weigh, because no one wants to fuck a fat chick.  We\’re all shallow in some way or another but this just kills me.  Whatever, either you like me or you don\’t, I personally don\’t care which.  I\’m not a barbie doll, nor do I want to look like one either.  I have a body, I have curves and I don\’t see anyone complaining about my bra size (well except for me) so while talking to Ben earlier he asked me for a picture, preferably with no clothes and did I have one of my stomach because he\’s \’big\’ into those.

Seriously?

Clearly you think I\’m retarded and don\’t understand that pretext…

So this is basically how that little incident played out (using actual text):

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That\’s all I have to say about that.

PS check this out, it\’s pretty awesome!

 

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Brett Michaels called

And he wants his bandanna back… 

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That was the first thought that crept into my mind when M parked his ass in front of me at Starbucks earlier this evening.  Never in my life have I encountered such social disparity in one place before.  Starbucks is yuppie-ville no doubt and most people who truly know me, know that I don\’t embody that persona.  In any case, one can\’t begin to fathom my surprise (and hidden horror) when I laid eyes on him.

I knew something was up when he blew me off about the whole picture thing.  Everyone has a picture of themselves and while his excuse reasoning seemed somewhat feasible I let it go.

Which clearly, I shouldn\’t have.   

Don\’t get me wrong, I don\’t put a lot of stock in the way a person looks.  Yes they DO matter, just how much however depends on the person.  I\’m a Chef and I eat with my eyes first after all 😉  I was not however quite prepared for what sat before me…  It was as if a member of long since departed 80\’s heavy metal band sans eyeliner was my \’date\’.  Holy shit!  I mean really dude, if you\’re going to run around sporting long hair take care of it.  Instead however you choose to run around with split ends and hair so fried that it looks like you were the victim of a fire gone horribly wrong and didn\’t bother with a trim at that.

Oh and the bandanna…  Oh my word.  It was as if he was trying to embody Brett Micheals, without the eyeliner!  I mean really?  The camo pants and band t-shirt were what really did me in…  I like heavy metal just as much as the next person, I do not however embody the long lost \’look of the 80\’s)  I mean come on, put forth some effort at least?!?  Jesus Christ!  Even I, who had just gotten off of work put forth a minor effort to at least look somewhat put together.  I\’m honestly starting to not give a shit period and thinking that becoming a nun might not be such a bad idea…

I don\’t care how you dress or anything like that.  However, whatever look you\’re attempting to pull off…

Do. It. Well.  Then maybe, just maybe you\’ll get laid.

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Disclaimer: I don\’t care if I sound like a judgmental bitch.  I\’m just being honest and I honestly don\’t give a shit if you like it or not.  It\’s your right to dress/act the way you choose, doesn\’t mean *I* have to like it… 

 

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Online dating: the do\’s & don\’t edition

Here\’s what slays me, in this day and age a lot of people utilize online dating websites.  It\’s a lot more convient then to bother going to all the trouble of trying to meet someone in person.  Most people won\’t own up to this though.  Every single guy I know who uses a popular (and free) dating site, the conversation always starts with: A buddy of mine set up a profile for me and I met this woman…  Online dating, the hidden shame of us all.  It is however, not without it\’s pitfalls…

I get a lot of messages depending on what category I place myself in.  I\’ve tested this theory out and the most attention grabbing (and also garnered the creepiest replies) was of course \’intimate encounters\’ a close second although not nearly as popular was dating.  Haven\’t ever bothered with a long term commitment, figure my in-box would look like a ghost town and that\’s not really what I\’m after from the get go anyway…  The whole hang out/e-mail talk thing hasn\’t ever been an option I\’ve chosen, nor activity partner.  I figure intimate encounters pretty much covers this, after all sex is an activity right?

Of course it is! 

Anyway…  Online there\’s no consequences, or at the very least not very many.  I personally keep my profile pretty brief and to the point.  Most people these days have short attention spans.  That being said:

Don\’t write a fucking novel!  Jesus Christ.  It\’s one thing to write a well thought out profile that show cases your highlights.  More often then not though, they usually start with something like OMG I am SO bad at talking about myself lulz and then they proceed to write their life stories, the cliff notes edition.

Use proper grammar and spelling!  Jesus Christ!  Is it really that difficult to spell out an entire word?  You know instead of U how about adding those three extra letters.  OR PEOPLE WHO TYPE LIKE THIS -or- my personal favorite LiKe THsI.  I had a discussion about this with someone last night.  Not bothering to use proper spelling and or grammar makes you look like a fucking idiot who didn\’t make it past grade 2.

Private messages: It\’s one thing to drop someone a quick word or five to open up the line\’s of communication.  However it is in poor taste to write a message to someone that is another novel that highlights your income, the kind of car that you drive and blah fucking blah.  You know what that says to a woman like me?  I\’m insecure and I\’ll buy you everything that you want because I\’m really trying to buy your love because dammit I need someone to fuck love me. Or that you\’re a materialistic douche bag.  Either way? Do. Not. Want.  Real woman who will like you for you and you alone, don\’t need to know your entire pedigree.  We\’re not buying a dog.

Comments on my pictures and or  my tattoos:  Yes I am pretty to most people, thank you.  However saying: \’Yeah but you\’re really hot, you must not be having any problems getting laid\” Well not usually no I don\’t.  However I don\’t need you to point that out.  Proves to me that you\’re terribly, terribly insecure.

NOT ATTRACTIVE!  

Saying you want to lick all of my tattoos is not a turn on.  I have 27 and they\’re essentially all over the place.  Yes I do have my naughty bits tattooed (and pierced) also my butt cheek, along with one on my big toe and I\’m sporting one in my left armpit among other places.  Do you really want to lick my armpit?  Furthermore do *I* want you to lick my armpit?  No.  No I do not.  What are you a dog?  Do I need a bath?  Do you feel that my skin is dry and I should drink more water and or up the ante on my moisturizer?  So just don\’t.  It\’s NOT attractive and makes you look like a douchebag.

YOUR pictures: The whole point about dating period is all about looking to score.  Regardless of what you want, we\’re all searching for something or someone.  Perhaps you\’ll get lucky and actually find it.  So naturally no one isn\’t going to post pictures of themselves looking anything less then their best usually.  Most guys do OK in this department.  Here\’s what\’s not OK (in my eyes at least)

  • Pictures of your ride.  What are you a fucking transformer?  No?  Didn\’t think so!  Likely you\’re over compensating for something.  I don\’t want to know what that something is.
  • Your bitchin\’ tan.  Most of you look like Jersey shore rejects, it\’s not hot.
  • Pictures with what is clearly your ex girlfriend cut out of the picture.  Take 5 mins and take a new one!  Jesus!
  • The mirror pictures showing off your so called \’bad\’ self.  For example (yes this is an actual picture from someone who messaged me)
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The caption: a sneak peek at my physique.  You want to know what I see:

  1. A sneak peek into your mom\’s/grandmother\’s and or wife\’s bedroom.  The glaring mauve walls and 80\’s mirror are a dead giveaway.  Along with the flowery curtains and the picture of Marilyn Monroe.  I have one of her too because I love her but mine\’s hotter.
  2. Back hair.  It looks like your pubes have escaped from your groin and planted themselves above your butt crack.
  3. Douchebag taking a picture of themselves in a mirror.  Self timer\’s, even my fucking phone\’s camera has one.  Try it sometime.

Pictures of your junk: Most guys assume that if you place yourself in the intimate encounters category, you automatically want a picture of their cock.  No, no I don\’t actually.  Why?  Because I, unlike most people have professional pictures of mine.  Thank you Hylton!  I happen to have a really awesome, rock star vag.  That aside, I am also a Chef.  I\’m a very visual person in that regard (not unlike most men) and to coin a phrase from someone: \”I eat with my eyes first\” and that\’s true!  So when you send a girl a picture of your junk and it\’s not up to par.  I\’m going to judge your sorry ass!  I won\’t post pictures of some of the eye bleach inducing    genitals I\’ve gotten lately but I will tell you this much.  Make. An. Effort.  I personally haven\’t ever been with a guy who isn\’t cut and after seeing the latest, I really don\’t want to.  Not trying to be all judgmental, however not one of you is selling me on it.  Really you\’re not, not in the least.

Save for one.  I\’m giving him a medal, only because I feel that he deserves one.  As a general rule of thumb, best not to send a picture of your junk unless she asks for it.  It\’re pretty damn presumptuous of you to assume that we want to see it.  Also your definition of well endowed can likely vary vastly from mine and on a final note if your going to take a self shot, best not to do it when looking down.  Why?  Because when I look down at my chest, it\’s not nearly as large as it actually is.  Ergo, you\’re selling yourself short (pun is totally intended).

So if you\’re going to create an online profile looking to score, might want to keep some of these points in mind.  Men judge woman based on many, many things and you know what? We do the same.

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Monday Fcukery

Ever have one of those days where you make the mistake of waking up and crawling out of your nice, warm cozy bed only to discover the the universe clearly has it out for you and decides that it\’s OK for you to be fucked up the ass without your permission and then proceeds to blow it\’s load all over your face?  Which then in turn makes you want to throw yourself in front of a really fast moving bus?

Yeah, that\’s known as Monday Fuckery.

For real.

Since  Bob Geldof asked in a song tell me why I don\’t like Monday\’s?  I\’ll tell you.  Not as crazy as the inspiration behind the song mind you, clearly Barbara Ann Spencer had some serious issues or something.

Shit happens when I don\’t get enough sleep/

No really. It does.

So technically this is Sunday night antics leads to Monday Fuckery.  But whatever.

Point being I stayed up too late on Sunday night get all uber excited about my new smart phone and spent farrrrrrrr too much time playing angry birds   (speaking of angry birds & smart phones, it\’s FREE for Android and NOT for iphone HA!) anyway moving along…

So wake up at 5:30 am after going to bed at almost midnight (yeah I know smooth move there Steph) and it was FREEZING in my room.  Glass cutter needed?  Just give me a call, I\’m there!  I guess this is what I get for sleeping naked?  Hellooooooooo it\’s AUGUST FFS!  Jammies should not be required in what is considered the \’summer months\’ seriously.  My bed, so cozy & so very awesome.  I LOVE my bed.  Perhaps a little too much?

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 Seriously.  Look at that!  Doesn\’t it just make you want to crawl in it and have the most crazy sex you have ever had  epic sleep ever!?!

Of course it does.

Memory foam everything FTW!

So yeah, dragging my naked self out of bed at the butt crack of dawn, freezing my ass off (literally) wondering where in the hell my fuzzy robe was while having to pee really bad.  I really should just leave it on the floor instead of hanging up all nice and proper like.

Because that would make sense.

Anyway get myself mostly put together and then I can\’t find my damn jeans.  You know the one\’s I had in my hand and put down briefly to go do something and then for the life of my couldn\’t find again.  I mean seriously, WTF is that?  So there I am, trolling around my apartment mostly dressed sans pants while muttering where in the fuck are my jeans to myself whilst looking for said jeans.  Thankfully I had a clean pair on my \’chair-drobe\’ because lord knows, I hate doing laundry and the 5 foot pile of it in my room is testament to that very fact.  So after wasting loads of time getting ready and missing the bus that I wanted to take, I finally got my ass en route to work.

Staggered into the dep at the metro because this guy has some killer croissants and he also has coffee.  AKA the breakfast of champions.  It was insanely windy outside and all I wanted was to suck back some of my awesome coffee delicious-ness and get through my day.  Anyway, mission accomplished.  Cafe was consumed, as was the awesome croissant AND Can-Am not only arrived on time but they also didn\’t fuck up my produce order.  The best part, my banana\’s were actually fit for immediate consumption (they\’re the easiest to prepare) unlike the previous order where all 20lbs yes TWENTY POUNDS of my banana\’s were a hideous shade of day glow green!  Something very much like number 1\"\"

when really, ideally they\’d be closer to 5 seeing as how I order  then half & half.  So in theory they should be 2-3 & 4-5.  Took almost 2 weeks for those bastards to ripen!  Anyway, I had hope.  Hope that maybe today wouldn\’t turn out to be such a craptacular day!

I was wrong. 

Walking by Angela\’s desk, she commented that Jack Layton had lost his battle to cancer.  Figures that one of the few rare gems in politics, that most people liked died of some hideous disease.  Which hardly seems fair.  I pay scant attention to politics because well that always starts up a heated debate of some sort doesn\’t it?  That\’s why I\’d rather talk about food.  Everyone likes food.  The kitchen is usually the hub of anyone\’s home and it\’s comforting.  When people get into heated debates about food it\’s usually happy one\’s.  Amiright?

So yeah that sucked, more then a little.  Can\’t wait for the next election.  o.0

So my afternoon progressed without too much hassle.  Save for the odd incident here and there, but whatever.  By now, the caffeine high is winding down and I go from being tired to bitchy and tired.  Then I had to do laundry, at work no less.  Which generally isn\’t an issue, except that the settings on the machine are totally and utterly fubar\’ed to the point that I waste FAR too much time doing laundry, more then I should.  Of course, there\’s a fuck ton of it too.  YAY!

Then one of my co-workers pops her head in there to let me know that she had to leave her bowls on the counter because the dishwasher was full.  I\’m muttering (mostly to myself) how in the hell can the dishwasher be full?  We had almost no kids, ergo not that many dishes.

You know why the dishwasher was full?

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE ARE FUCKTARDS AND DON\’T KNOW HOW TO FILL A FUCKING DISHWASHER PROPERLY!  Jesus H. Christ!

Nothing and I do mean nothing irritates me more, than having to re-arrange the damn dishwasher like it\’s my fucking living room.  Seriously!   So because of that, I now have to construct an instruction sheet (with pictures) to show exactly how one fills the dishwasher.  You know, like I would have to for say my 3 year old\’s.  Because you know, lying an empty yogurt container on it\’s SIDE on top of a bunch of other dishes is the most effective way to get it clean.

This is why I don\’t like Monday\’s, even though you didn\’t ask.

I told you anyway.  You\’re welcome.

Let\’s see you write a song about that Geldof.